World, Writing, Wealth discussion
This topic is about
Denise Baer
All Things Writing & Publishing
>
Looking for a few Betas to read my first chapter
date
newest »
newest »
Very intense and well written paragraphs! Since it's the beginning, my own preference is to get into action quick. To me: "I didn’t choose to kill; it chose me." And then "I stood over a quivering man..." would probably work even better as a starter and then the rest of the first paragraph - to place just a little later..
But that's just me -:)
Denise wrote: "Thank you so much, Nik. I appreciate you taking the time to read them and I'll definitely take your comments into account. :D I owe you a beer."Welcome! I owed you one for the help with German, so I guess instead of cancelling out, we'd better look for a chance to have 2 -:)
Enjoy, London!Might pass through Germany in July...
Denise wrote: "If you do, please let me know. We're on the west side of Germany, the NRW area. We're not far from the Netherlands and Belgium. "Sure, would hate to miss a chance for having a beer or two -:)
I'll preface my comments by apologising if I'm too blunt, but as a fellow writer, I prefer people being blunt to me, then I know what's working and what's not. I think there's an excellent beginning there.
A few things that stood out:
Your first sentence - it's great. 'I didn’t choose to kill; it chose me. Murder brings a great sense of relief.' A truly exceptional beginning.
Then I was thrown out of the immediacy of the experience, because you went from referencing 'you,' to referencing 'a killer.' I'd actually ditch the whole paragraph, and go with Nik's suggestion and move directly into the story.
I did wonder if the victim was on the floor or pinned against the wall, or both, or whether it was you or him pissing on the floor... just need to move a couple of commas, or add a word here or there.
Absolutely loved 'Despair glossed his eyes and apologies dripped from his mouth like Hail Marys.' Another fabulous sentence!
Hope that's helpful!
I haven't been on for a while. We've been busy moving. Now that it's done, I was wondering if anyone would have the time to read the first chapter of my book. It's a crime mystery novel, ..."
Hi Denise,
We've been missing you -:)
Apart from betareading the chapter, if you want to share the first line or paragraph on this or dedicated thread, some members might want to provide a feedback..