Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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dystopian fiction blurb question between two themes
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The second is better in my opinion. Are you looking for feedback as just a blurb or as a blurb part of a query?I took a stab at combining and streamlining:
Theo and his mother were driven from their home tower and forced to scrape by in another. As outsiders, it seems they'll never have a chance to rise above their menial station. Until Theo is offered a job in one of the very few professions not absorbed by the artificial inteligent machines.
The machines, controlled by the AI Ava, which is, in turn, is controlled by the shadowy group of humans called Archons, are pawns along with the bulk of humanity in wars fought for dominance. Theo becomes a fighter and triggers the beginning of a new round of war.
Purely a blurb. Trying to figure out how to put so much into a small space, or just leave it shorter and vague... I like the way you've changed the first paragraph for sure, thank you!
I like the second, and I think the first paragraph of that is very good, except I'd like a little more info on what the towers are for. Are they self-contained cities? Simply residential?in the second par, it would help to have some idea of why they fled and if the new tower is in the same city.
The last line:Spark tells the story of humanity’s dependence on automation and artificial intelligence and the wars waged to control them, fought with the last resource left: the sun’s energy.
Feels a bit random. You suggestion the sun's energy is a majorly important thing, but it comes up nowhere in the rest of the blurb. I feel a little whiplashy about it. I would perhaps remove it.
I've been entrenched in the query writing mode for the last week in a half, so I apologize in advance if my comments relate more to a query synopsis than a back flap blurb--though I don't believe they differ all that greatly.In the short version, your second is 45 words. In the longer you have a 32 word sentence. Wowza! In blurbs less is often more, and that definitely applies to sentence length. If you can't say it in one breath, cut it into two, or cut something out.
I would suggest leaving out the bit about Theo's mother, or find a different way to word it. The fewer characters we have to try and keep straight, the better. If Theo is your main character, then focus on him, and him alone. Then throw in your antagonists or other main characters, but ONLY if they are vitally important and the blurb could not function without it. (for this I would say Theo, Archons, and possibly Ava.)
A small note, but the "one day" phrase feels so...blah. It doesn't really tell me anything pertinent except that time has passed. But how much time? What has he been doing since? Has the time changed him? It feels like filler. Blurbs are teeny tiny, every word counts, there are no filler words.
Lastly, I'm not too keen on the last sentence. It just kind of hangs there, and pulls me out of the narrative of the blurb. And as Vanessa mentioned, the whole bit about the sun's energy never comes up anywhere else, yet it's one of the more attention grabbing parts. Perhaps, instead of starting with all of the background information about Theo and his mother, start with where the action of the book begins. "Theo only has one thing left to fight with. The power of the sun. The catch? Theo's pretty sure he just started a worldwide war. And his opponents aren't even human. Or are they? ..." (obviously you'd need to rework it, I spent a whole whopping thirty seconds on it, but you get the idea)
Short, punchy sentences. Jump right to the parts that leave us with just enough questions to want more. Backstory? Nah. Forty word sentences? Nope. You've put a thriller novel in my hands, give me crash, bang, BOOM!
Hopefully this helps!
This is very helpful, thank you! The book has two story tracks, Theo and his mother, starting with them together then quickly forced apart, but it tilts more to Theo overall. I'm finding building a new world is really hard to encapsulate in a blurb along with a plot! This helps though, thank you again
Hey Alex, what do you think of this:Automation took people’s worth just as science cured aging. Living in massive towers fueled by solar power, people receive living wages of the harvested energy, desperate to survive another day.
Forced to flee their home tower when Theo was an infant, he and his mother Mette scrape by, but they’ll never be anything but outsiders in their new home. Every job is menial and only the politically connected get a chance to have one, something an outsider could never hope for. For Theo, all he wants is to find a way to keep them from living in starvation.
Behind the scenes, a small shadowy group called Archons maintain control of Ava, the artificial intelligence that runs the towers. Plagued by bitter infighting and politics, the Archons pit those around them against each other. Underlying their fighting is a deliberate effort to search for something that has eluded them for centuries, yet the harder they look, the more desperate their actions to find what they want. Little does Theo know, he is about to become the opening move in their game, and everyone around him will suffer for it.
Spark tells the story of humanity’s dependence on automation and artificial intelligence and the wars waged to control them, fought with the last resource left: the sun’s energy.
Shorter:
Automation may change humanity, but it won’t change human nature.
Forced to flee their home tower when Theo was an infant, he and his mother scrape by, but they’ll never be anything but outsiders in their new home, until one day Theo is given the chance to train as a fighter, the last true profession. Unbeknownst to him, his journey is the opening move in a greater plot than any could imagine.
Spark tells the story of humanity’s descent into automation and artificial intelligence, and the wars waged to control them, fought with the last resource left: the sun’s energy.
Longer:
In the aftermath of a devastating war, people fled to the cities for safety. Using Artificial Intelligence, codenamed Ava, machines stripped the land to build giant self-sustaining towers, leaving a desolate wasteland.
Forced to flee their home tower when Theo was an infant, he and his mother scrape by, but they’ll never be anything but outsiders in their new home. Every job is menial and only the politically connected get a chance to have one, something an outsider could never hope for. But, one day Theo is given the chance to train for a new future.
Behind the scenes, a small shadowy group called Archons maintain control of Ava. Plagued by bitter infighting and politics, the Archons pit those around them in war with each other. Underlying their fighting is a deliberate effort to search for something that has eluded them for centuries, yet the harder they look, the more desperate their actions to find what they want. Little does Theo know, his journey is the opening move in their game.
Spark tells the story of humanity’s dependence on automation and artificial intelligence and the wars waged to control them, fought with the last resource left: the sun’s energy.