Query for midgrade fantasy- will return critiques

[Morgan]

Dear (Agent),

For five spunky cousins, what begins as a typical summer day on their grandmother’s farm quickly becomes the adventure of a lifetime when they tumble through an old wishing well and land in a world populated by quirky characters, breathtaking scenery, and unimaginable evil.

Margot Chadwick and he four cousins have always loved adventure. Growing up roaming the rolling hills and deep valleys of their Grandmother’s farm, they always yearned to discover another land, just like in their storybooks. One day, the five cousins find an old-fashioned wishing well that they’ve never seen on the property before. When the youngest, Holly, makes a wish, the children are whisked away to the enchanted realm of Soltaria. Not long after arriving in this strange new world the youngest cousin, Holly, is kidnapped by Kali, a fearsome villain who embodies fear itself. Margot, our fiercely independent, slightly bossy, and altogether fearless protagonist, has read every great adventure story known to man and decides to take her siblings on a wild journey across an unknown land to save their cousin. Along the way they are joined by a genius princess who is afraid to leave her castle, a warrior who is destined for greatness but is still struggling through the many challenges of being twelve years old, Pelli the fearful dragon, and a goddess of time embodied in an irascible eleven year girl whose vocabulary could put an Oxford professor to shame. While the company travels across the kingdoms of Soltaria they are faced with a growing evil in the south, and creature that stalk the children by night. As the evil grows stronger the children begin to wonder if they will ever reach Holly, or if their fears will get the best of them.

THE WAY HOME is a midgrade fantasy novel, completed at 55,000 words. Fans of THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and THE PENDERWICKS will enjoy this playful romp through a wonderfully strange land that delves into the true meaning of family, friendship, fear, and the unparalleled magic of being a child.

Thank you very much for your time and consideration,
Morgan Smith

[Keith]

"and he four" the? He doesn't seem to fit.

I think lose the first paragraph. I don't believe it adds anything.

I suggest you need to break up your solid second paragraph. I've read a number of places that long solid paragraphs will make an agent's eyes glaze over. I've noted myself that I find it easier to read when it's broken up.

I'm also not sure that 'our fiercely independent...protagonist' is right, but I don't read a lot of middle grade, so may be off base there.

[Katlyn]

Hi Morgan!

PROS: I enjoyed the first paragraph-it gave me a sense of what your story is about in a clear concise way, and it made me want to read the rest of your query. I also felt the third paragraph was great because it's concise and has all the appropriate info for a concluding paragraph.

CONS: The second paragraph is too wordy. I wasn't able to pay attention for the extension of the paragraph because I found some information repetitive. Cut down and even cut out some sentences. For example, the first three lines in the second paragraph repeats the information of the first paragraph. I would cut that down to only one sentence , and then go "when the youngest, holly, makes a wish." Similarly, I would to do that for the rest of that paragraph.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

[Ellis]

I laughed while reading, which is great. I would try for something like this:

For five spunky cousins, what begins as a typical summer day on their grandmother’s farm quickly becomes the adventure of a lifetime when they tumble through an old wishing well and land in a world populated by quirky characters, breathtaking scenery, and unimaginable evil.

Margot Chadwick and the four cousins have always loved reading adventure, but living it was more than they bargained for. Not long after arriving in this strange new world the youngest cousin, Holly, is kidnapped by Kali, a fearsome villain who embodies fear itself. To rescue their cousin, Margot, fiercely independent and only slightly bossy, must take her siblings on a wild journey across an unknown land to save their cousin.
Along the way they are joined by a genius princess who is afraid to leave her castle, a warrior who is destined for greatness but is still struggling through the many challenges of being twelve years old, Pelli the fearful dragon, and a goddess of time embodied in an irascible eleven year girl whose vocabulary could put an Oxford professor to shame. While the company travels across the kingdoms of Soltaria they are faced with a growing evil in the south, and creature that stalk the children by night. As the evil grows stronger the children begin to wonder if they will ever reach Holly, or if their fears will get the best of them.

THE WAY HOME is a midgrade fantasy novel. Fans of THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA and THE PENDERWICKS will enjoy this playful romp through a wonderfully strange land that delves into the true meaning of family, friendship, fear, and the unparalleled magic of being a child.

[Chelsea]

First off, I agree with the suggestion to delete the first paragraph. Everything it's saying is already said in the second paragraph.

Also, the second paragraph needs to be broken up. The giant block of text just makes me want to skip it. And I'm not sure how I feel about all of the characters introduced. It seems like a lot. Margot, Holly, and Kali seem pretty essential, but the other characters don't really matter to me at this point. I just want an overall idea of what this story is going to be about and why I should care.

Overall, I am intrigued by your query! It makes me want to find out more. The last paragraph gives me a good sense of the work as a whole. So good job on that part.

[Andrea]

Hi Morgan,
I liked the 1st paragraph but consider making it 2 sentences. It's a bit long but informative. Spunky is a great way to describe them.
Turn the 2nd paragraph into at least two paragraphs. I honestly skipped over some of it. A big block of text can be a bit daunting. But once I read it the story did intrigue me. Limit the number of characters you reveal. Save them for the novel. Maybe say, Along the way they are joined by several interesting characters that inhabit the land of Soltaria...
This sounds like a great story that I would be interested in reading.
Good Luck!!

[Iris]

I like Frank's trim. Your original was good, but had wayyy too much info in it.