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It's a bigee...Looking for help with my blurb
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Amie, please remove the link at the end of your post as this is considered a bookwhack. Thanks.
Okay, I got that link out of there. Sorry! Didn't realize it wasn't supposed to be included. Thanks for the help and thank you for your edited version, V.M. ;)
Like the ideas. As VM said cut it. Drastically.
Another edit for comparison:
Daughter of a missionary, Sarai thought the whole world would trade their beliefs for hers. But her parents are murdered and she learns the world never stops for one person.
By 1875, she isn’t Sarai anymore. She is Leila, a palace concubine-in-waiting for indulgent Sultan Abdul’Aziz. Leila does her best to stay out of the eye of ‘Aziz and his son, Prince Emre. But when Emre claims Leila for his own, she is thrown into a ring of competition. She cannot hide from the lavish attention her young master. Nor can she can avoid the ruthless retaliations of his prior favorite, Aster.
As she learns about Emre and his family’s struggles, despite her better judgment, she finds her heart becoming increasingly tied to him. But can she submit her faith and spirit to be loved only as "favorite"? Can she share him? And what happens to her love if the sultan can’t hold together his fragile kingdom?
Daughter of a missionary, Sarai thought the whole world would trade their beliefs for hers. But her parents are murdered and she learns the world never stops for one person.
By 1875, she isn’t Sarai anymore. She is Leila, a palace concubine-in-waiting for indulgent Sultan Abdul’Aziz. Leila does her best to stay out of the eye of ‘Aziz and his son, Prince Emre. But when Emre claims Leila for his own, she is thrown into a ring of competition. She cannot hide from the lavish attention her young master. Nor can she can avoid the ruthless retaliations of his prior favorite, Aster.
As she learns about Emre and his family’s struggles, despite her better judgment, she finds her heart becoming increasingly tied to him. But can she submit her faith and spirit to be loved only as "favorite"? Can she share him? And what happens to her love if the sultan can’t hold together his fragile kingdom?
Clare wrote: "Another edit for comparison:Daughter of a missionary, Sarai thought the whole world would trade their beliefs for hers. But her parents are murdered and she learns the world never stops for one p..."
Thank you, Clare! I truly appreciate this :) It's been such a busy week but I sat down this morning to work on it a bit and came back to grab the suggestions. Awesome to see your help here too, along with V.M.'s
Thanks a heap!
Alrighty....here's what I've come up with after fusing the thoughts from V.M., Clare, and the first round of suggestions from Susan (professional copy editor). I'm sending this revision to you guys and her at the same time. So just know I may have some errors she hasn't had a chance to fix yet. The word count only came down by 40-50 words, but Susan seemed to be less concerned with length, and more in it being too vague and cutting down on redundancies. She wanted that opening line to really explain itself and not confuse the reader.
Please share with me any other suggestions any of you have.
NEW VERSION:
As the daughter of a missionary, Sarai was taught that people were won over with love. There wasn’t a single obstacle that a little faith and love couldn’t triumph. But when her parents are murdered, she quickly learns that the world doesn’t stop for love. More importantly, the world never, ever stops for one person.
By 1875, she isn’t Sarai anymore. She’s been enslaved as Leila, a palace concubine-in-waiting for the Ottoman Sultan. Leila does her best to stay out of the eye of Sultan Aziz and his son, Prince Emre. But when Emre claims Leila for his own, she is forced out of her shell and thrown into a ring of competition. She cannot hide from the lavish attention of her young master, nor can she can avoid the retaliations of his prior favorite, Aster. But it’s an unexpected gift and an inside look into his family’s struggles that really collides with Leila’s upbringing. Soon, despite her better judgment, she finds her heart has a mind of its own.
Can she subject her faith and independent spirit to such a future—a future in which the best she can hope for is to be his favorite? How will she stand sharing him with the other girls in the harem, one a jealous rival and another her closest friend? As the sultan’s fragile kingdom unravels around them, grave threats approaching from every side and within, will it even matter?
A thought...what do you think if it actually stopped altogether after that second paragraph? (See above)
Awesome! Thank you, V.M. :) I enjoy having that last paragraph too. I'm going to report one more time here in just a bit as she said she'd get back to me in early evening with any more suggestions of where I can tighten. Sorry to keep pestering!
The hope is to have this hammered out by morning and submit the changes on my e-book, so I can get a one-month test run before finalizing the print version. Woo hoo!
This the final 2 versions...#1 tight. #2 the tightest we're going!Please let me know what you think. For me, I really enjoyed the intro paragraph I posted last time around. It felt more gritty with the "never, ever stops for one person." It was like you could feel her angst. But...I aim to sell books and I flat out know I can be biased!
Blurb #1:
As a missionary’s daughter, Sarai was taught that love and faith conquer all. But when her parents are murdered, she quickly learns that the world doesn’t stop for love or, more importantly, for one person.
As a teen, Sarai—now called Leila—is enslaved, a palace concubine-in-waiting for the Ottoman Sultan Aziz. Though she does her best to elude him, she’s forced out of her shell when his son, Prince Emre, claims her for his own. Tossed into competition with the other girls in his harem, Leila must face the lavish attention of her young master and the resulting retaliation from his prior favorite, Aster. But it’s an unexpected gift and a glimpse inside his family’s struggles that collide headfirst with Leila’s upbringing. Soon, despite her better judgment, she finds her heart has a mind of its own.
Can she subject her faith and independent spirit to such a future—a future in which the best she can hope for is to be his favorite? How will she stand sharing him with the other girls in the harem, one a jealous rival and another her closest friend? As the sultan’s fragile kingdom unravels around them, grave threats approaching from every side and within, will it even matter?
Blurb #2 (all changes take place in final paragraph)
As a missionary’s daughter, Sarai was taught that love and faith conquer all. But when her parents are murdered, she quickly learns that the world doesn’t stop for love or, more importantly, for one person.
As a teen, Sarai—now called Leila—is enslaved, a palace concubine-in-waiting for the Ottoman Sultan Aziz. Though she does her best to elude him, she’s forced out of her shell when his son, Prince Emre, claims her for his own. Tossed into competition with the other girls in his harem, Leila must face the lavish attention of her young master and the resulting retaliation from his prior favorite, Aster. But it’s an unexpected gift and a glimpse inside his family’s struggles that collide headfirst with Leila’s upbringing. Soon, despite her better judgment, she finds her heart has a mind of its own.
Can she subject her faith and independent spirit to such a future—a future in which the best she can hope for is to be his favorite? How will she stand sharing him with the other girls in the harem? As the sultan’s fragile kingdom unravels around them, will it even matter?
(Virtual hugs going to everyone who gives me feedback!) (And cookies!!! The warm, chewy kind.)
My book will be a whopper. We got it down to 450 pages, 6x9 trade size. So there's a lot of canvas space...BUT....my blurb is long. It can fit, but I don't want to screw this up if it could be done better.
You guys seem good at this tightening stuff and are not biased. Can you tell me how you would do my blurb if it were up to you? Think "love in a time of slavery" as you approach this. "North & South" kind of stuff, not "How to Tame a Duke."
My Tagline:
"She couldn't escape his love. He couldn't escape his past."
My Blurb:
As the daughter of a missionary, Sarai was led to believe that the whole world could exchange their beliefs for hers. But when her parents are murdered, she quickly learns that the world never stops for just one person. The world takes, forgets, and swiftly moves on.
By 1875, she isn’t even Sarai anymore. She had spent her teenage years repackaged as Leila, a palace concubine-in-waiting for the overly indulgent, Ottoman Sultan, Abdul’Aziz. Leila does her best to stay out of the eye of ‘Aziz as well as his son, Prince Emre. But when young and thoughtful Emre claims Leila for his own harem, she is forced out of her shell and thrown into a ring of competitive women. Here, she cannot hide from the attention her young master wishes to lavish upon her. Nor can she can avoid the ruthless retaliations of his prior favorite, Aster. But it’s the unexpected gift of sexual sanctuary and an inside look into his family’s struggles that really collides with Leila’s upbringing. Soon, despite her better judgment, she finds her heart becoming increasingly tied to him.
But can she submit her faith and independent spirit to such a future—a future where to be loved means settling for the fact that she can only ever be his favorite? Will she be able to take turns sharing him among the four beautiful girls he had received before her, one being a jealous rival and another a closest friend? And what will happen to their love if Emre’s father can’t hold together his fragile kingdom, an empire that has grave threats encroaching from every side…including within?