Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query for YA contemporary: Second try!
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Write numbers out (e.g., Seventeen year old).'Traditionally' speaking, your blurb is too long. The sweet spot is supposed to be 100-150 words, you are at almost 300. Lots of people argue about that and the reality is the only thing that matters is getting a MS request, but I've read that some agents will look at a blurb and, at the very least, have their decision colored by the length and density.
The third paragraph seems to be revealing spoilers. Generally you want to introduce the character (not too bad, though I don't think we need to know her parent's names since they aren't used again), outline the obstacles she needs to overcome (not really clear to me), then list the stakes for failure (not terribly clear either, though it might simply be surviving the summer with sanity intact). These things really are a PITA. I have spent more time on my query, blurb and synopsis than I have on my writing, of that I'm sure. Welcome to the club!
What I've seen that seems to be most helpful for the authors I've interacted with here is to list a series of bullet points on what are the main character and plot points. Really quick, just the highest-level you can think of. Be sure they really are important, meaning, if you cut them out the story would fall apart (there is no room for minor plot points in a blurb, no matter how fun they were to write!). Once you have a half dozen (really, just a half dozen!) then expand each bullet to 2-3 sentences (max!). Then rewrite that until you go blind, post back here for us to trash, rinse, repeat.
I don't think you have a bad start, I just don't feel any tension and it sure seems to me like you spoiled the ending (spoilers are for synopsis, not blurbs!).
Good luck!
Keith wrote: "Write numbers out (e.g., Seventeen year old).'Traditionally' speaking, your blurb is too long. The sweet spot is supposed to be 100-150 words, you are at almost 300. Lots of people argue about th..."
Thanks so much for your feedback, Keith! The bullet point idea sounds very helpful especially to help me cut down my word count. I will get on that and report back. :)
Here is my attempt take two. It is still too long, but I'm having trouble cutting anything out!Lise is ready for a change of routine from her days of home school and hospital stays for her Crohn’s disease. But even now that she is seventeen, her helicopter parents can’t seem to stop hovering with no plans to stop anytime soon. So they strike a deal; if Lise can survive an entire summer at some dorky camp by herself, they will let her do her own thing. If not, Lise is sentenced to an indefinite number of years being babied at home while the world passes her by.
Thrown into a new social situation and on her own for the first time, Lise is lost. And when she discovers that her summer camp specializes in friendless freaks like her, she is furious at her parents for withholding that important piece of information. But then she meets Max, who follows her around camp like some teenage-boy breed of lost puppy. Add in the aggravating, but undeniably cute counselor, Freddy, and Lise decides she just might survive the summer after all.
Earning her freedom won’t be easy, but Lise is determined to show her parents and herself that she has what it takes. Summer camp is a far cry from the real world, but for Lise it just might be the closest she ever gets if she can’t find the inner strength to pull herself through the challenges that await her there.
Sorry I haven't been able to respond. We had a storm go through and knock out the power and it only just came back on. I'll take a look tomorrow morning and give you my feedback.
Hey Keith, you are so kind to let me know, but I am not on a timeline at all. I really appreciate your help whenever you have time to look. Sorry to hear about the power being out; that's never fun!
Thank you so much, Natasha! Your explanation makes a lot of sense and clears up some of the things I have been struggling with concerning queries. So spoilers in general are good as long as I'm not spoiling the really juicy parts that come at the end; that is good to know! I really appreciate that you took the time to type all of that out for me and walk me through it in such detail.
When you start writing your synopsis is when it gets really 'exciting', in case you weren't feeling challenged so far ;-)Your blurb has fairly tight length constraints and, when scouting agents/publishers, its only goal is to entice the reader to read the rest of the query (when it is on the book back, or online, it is to get the reader to buy or 'look inside'). The purpose of the query is to entice the reader to either ask for the MS right away, or to want to read the synopsis and first couple of chapters. A lot is riding on the blurb portion of the query and it isn't too much hyperbole to say it's your future as a professional writer (no pressure ;-). Think about all the blurbs on the back of books you read that made you yawn. Sure, you might have got the book anyway, but usually at the strong suggestion of a friend. Without that recommendation, though, most likely you'd put the book back on the shelf (do people actually look at real books any longer?). You want to emulate the blurbs that made you want to open the book. That's your (our) challenge. As Natasha said, there is a formula to these things. While you definitely want to adhere to the formula, you also want to make your blurb unique and interesting (and fit within 100-150 words!). There are a couple of long threads you can check out to see how blurbs have evolved.
As I suggested earlier, I propose you 'get angry' and quickly list down 4-6 bullet points that summarize what you feel is the core of your story. That should help you focus on what's unique about yours and give you direction in formulating your blurb. Beyond the blurb, the query is largely boiler plate, so get this part nailed down and the rest is straightforward.
Thank you, Keith! I am really struggling here, but it makes me feel a little bit better knowing this process sucks for everyone. Back to redrafting!
I haven't tracked hours officially, but I feel in my gut that I've spent more hours working on my blurb, query and synopsis than I did writing the initial draft of my novel. Since then, I've read about an approach another writer uses. He writes the blurb and synopsis first and only when satisfied does he actually start writing the novel. I've taken that suggestion to heart and have worked on them for two other novels outside the series I'm working on. If I could just stop beta reading, I could go back to writing ;-)
It sounds like you're a busy guy! Writing the other stuff first is an interesting take, since it would give you a really concise map to start your draft from.
The way I think of it (doing blurb/synopsis first) is I have a clearer idea of what I think is distinct about the story. I haven't been 'polluted' with all my pretty prose, clever plot points and amazing side characters. It's hard to leave out mention of those aspects when you write first, then blurb afterwards. Here are the two blurbs I've written for the novels I haven't:Jane of the Jungle (the title sucks, but I haven't thought of anything better)
Jane is exactly where she wants to be: flying her helicopter as fast as it will go, on a pitch black night, while barely skimming the ground. After hearing another Spec Op team is under attack, with help too far away, she diverts on her return trip to provide assistance.
Jane circles the team, doing what she can with just a .45 pistol. Her luck runs out and she’s shot down, but survives the impact. She’s separated from those she set out to rescue, the bad guys closing in for revenge.
Can Jane hold off her enemies until the rescuer can be rescued or will her risk seeking behavior finally seal her fate?
Player at the _Real_ Game
Maria is studying under the very best. She worked hard to become the winning candidate and works harder still to master what she’s learning now. She also wants to be the very best in these corporate sponsored gladiatorial games. To be the very best, though, means she must eliminate her mentor.
After Maria’s mentor has taught her all he knows, she forms a team who all want revenge on him. The most well-known of these is Harold. He and Maria form an uneasy alliance. She feels he takes too many risks, he thinks she’s too sympathetic.
Maria’s mentor knows the score and has no intention of being supplanted. As they battle in the arena, allies and enemies fall. Finally, it’s just Maria, Harold and her mentor. Who will prevail? Who will prove to be the very best?
(Yes, I have a thing for strong female characters ;-)
I'm quite certain, once I finally start writing, that I'll come up with all sorts of really cool stuff (well, cool in my mind, anyway) that will be hard to resist sticking into the blurb and synopsis. However, since at this point I only have a very high level idea of what I want to accomplish, I can be succinct and focused on the major plot points.
I lean towards strong female characters as well. Those blurbs both sound like they will make great books! I love how clear each of the main characters' missions are; if only I could achieve that level with my own query! But your advice is all awesome, so I will go back and try again.
As I said earlier, think about the handful of elements about your story that, if removed, would completely gut it. Those are the aspects you want to cover in the blurb. Then, as Natasha said, you want to hit the goals, obstacles and stakes for your MC. It isn't unusual to only mention by name your MC, btw.Even if your story is largely about 'nothing' (think Seinfeld), there are still character and plot arcs (you wrote a bunch of words, right?). Sometimes you don't realize you are following the 'three act play' format (which is supposedly the ideal, though I personally remain unconvinced), or, when thinking about that format you may realize you can shift things around to better fit that format. You may write the story linearly, but that doesn't mean you have to tell it that way, so perhaps shuffling around elements temporally can create the tension needed for the three acts.
Who knows? You might wind up making changes to your novel by writing your blurb and synopsis! Don't worry if that's the case, it's far from unusual to make structural changes like this. At least you have your novel written; can't edit something that doesn't exist ;-)
Keith and Natasha hit the editorial points fairly thoroughly, so I won't bother throwing my hat into the ring there. I do have a brief question though. Does the fact that Lise has Crohn's play a significant part in the plot? If not, then I don't see a reason that it needs to be included. If it does, then I would want to see more of an indicator in the narrative, other than just "she has it". I have Crohn's as well, so that's likely why it caught my eye. A book entirely based around Crohn's--now that would be something. Quite a sh*tty book indeed. *ba-dum-tss*Alright, I digress.
Best of luck on your querying!
17- year-old Lise is completely used to her days full of parental concern and routine hospital visits. Since being diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease at the age of 13, that’s all she’s known; and she has accepted that her life is meant to be mundane—and a little lonely. That is, until her helicopter parents, Dan and Amanda, emotionally blackmail her into attending summer camp two hours away from home.
Thrown into a new social situation for the first time in her life, Lise is lost. And when she discovers that this camp specializes in friendless freaks like her? Lise is furious at her parents and eager to go home and get back to the predictable life waiting for her there. But then she meets Max, a camper who is smart, strange, and who follows Lise around like some sort of adorable teenaged-boy breed of lost puppy. With a newfound confidence, Lise discovers that living outside of the bubble she’s always known might be exactly what she needs to be happy. But not everyone is who they seem to be at the beginning of camp—a lesson that rattles Lise’s fragile sense of self.
When Lise’s first kiss, first boyfriend, and first breakup land her in danger of her unstable now ex-boyfriend, she has decide whether a life outside of the safety of her parent’s care is really what she wants. Max is still at camp, and he wants Lise to either choose him or live out the rest of the summer as miserable as he is. With the help of some of her new camp friends Lise just might have a chance in salvaging summer camp, along with her dreams for the future.
CAMP FREAKZOID is a Young Adult contemporary novel complete at 54,000 words; it is loosely based off of my own experience growing up as a teenager with Crohn’s Disease.