Writer's Group discussion

i wrote a story is it worth continuing

Comments Showing 1-31 of 31 (31 new)    post a comment »
dateDown arrow    newest »

message 1: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments Water laps at my legs and face the rest of my skin burns with a fire of heat from a strong sever heated fever. My head pounds in a series of beats and each is worse than the last. My muscles scream with killing pain as if needles have encased them. I feel as if I am in a dream and in my dream there are figures running towards me a group of men I do not know I can not be sure though for my vision is starting to fail. I hear shouting probably from the men but I can not distinguish their words. What would be the point of the words though if I am lucky death will seize me and put me out of this fierce misery. One of the men comes closer than the rest and kneels down next to me. I can not describe him because at that moment my vision leaves me completely.

His cool hands scan over me feeling my flesh for life. I don't want the hands to ever leave for I have deeply missed the feeling of cool. I breath but I am not sure if it is visible for they are shallow breaths. I pray that he can see I am living. He lifts me up from the sandy ocean's bank and the man starts to speak in a soft, sweet, warm honey voice but unfortunately I am too far gone to understand him I catch little things like "I got you beleza." but the rest I don't comprehend. I wish the lids of my eyes would open so I could see him but they are too heavy instead I lift a hand and place it on his chest for an instant but even that is too much and my muscles scream in agony but I can not even scream.

I am carried to a closed place cooler than the sun and I can no longer even smell the sea air and some how that is so comforting. He takes me into a room I believe that was it. It smells of roses and at some point after entering all my senses left me and I fainted.

I awake in a quiet room where I'm burning up and there are people working over me and outta the three men none of them is my savior. A man in a white garment must have realized I was awake for he immediately stopped something that he had been doing with his green fired magic. another put down a syringe and sent all the men out and he left with them. I guess they were in the process of healing me for I don't feel near as awful now. What had happened to me? The last I remember is pain; I can't remember anything else about myself not even my name. I sigh a heavy sigh and then cringe in agony from the swift breath. Some ribs must be broken. I decide it is time to take innovatory of my injures. In the end, I find that one arm is badly bruised but nothing broken there, my forehead is so deeply cut I have stitches it feels like, no black eyes at least and an ankle is sprained but not broken that I can tell.

I start to sit up slowly but the whole room spins and I feel sick and vomit on the top cover of the bed. I really am sincerely sorry to who ever has to clean them. I need to move out of the covers I am now swelter in this heat. they must be trying to sweat out my fever. Before I can think of how to get out of the bed of heat i hear fabric swishing and foot steps approaching the room. A man who I have seen before... the one who saved me i realize walks in and sits on a chair close to my bedside.He looks at me with what seems like adoration.

message 2: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments "How are you feeling today sea girl?" he asks in his sweet honey voice. Plainly he could tell that I was better than I was before even if I had puked on the covers. I hoped he would ignore the scum on the covers and wouldn't bring it up. i tried to respond to his question my lips moved but then i realize i don't quite know how to reply to this finally i say " as well as any one who felt that death might have been a relief." "ah so you were suffering that badly when we found you on the shore. if the surgeon had been busy you wouldn't be hear to say that we found you nearly dying the men i was with thought that you couldn't be saved and honestly i did too. it was just you looked like a dying goddess on the white sand you looking so beautiful even on your death bed i didn't want to let a beauty like that end so soon. may i ask what is your name?" "honestly i don't know the only thing i can remember is pain" " hmm then may i name you for now at least til you remember" i nod because it seemed it was the right thing to do " then your name shall be Meia-noite Vento which is Portuguese for midnight wind but for short Vento for wind. you see, Portuguese is my native tongue actually the native tongue of my people as well. do you like the name ?"

i loved the name. it made sense considering he found me a windy midnight. i smiled and nodded. "well i gotta go now the doctor doesn't really want me to bother you if he had his way he would've sent you back to sleep for he fears that you are in too much pain to be awake and not numbed." to tell the truth i think he was right but if he hadn't said anything i don't think i would've realized all the pain i was truly in. he left my with a smirk on his face telling me that he hoped to see me again soon and would have a maid bring me new covers. a minute later a maid came in and set some covers on a chair " i would put them on the bed miss but the doctor has told me not to touch you for fear that you will break. silly ain't it." she smiled at me and left the room.

the doctor came in along with all the others i had seen earlier soon after the maid left. the man smelled too clean. so clean that i hurled he claimed it was because of all the medications they had been putting down my throat and so he had a nurse take me to a privy to puke but since i was away from the smell and a man carried me in the room there was no puke but my rib was jostled too much for my liking once i was back in the bed i got examined. i almost wish they could've given me some anaesthetic and put me back to sleep then. after all that had gone on i finally got to sleep and the doctors worked some more i suppose.


this time my room is pitch black wen i wake up and it scares me for a moment then i see there is a candle at my bed side and with a twitch of my finger it is lit. i had forgotten i was able to do that. i can magic little things if i remember correctly but never had i been this weak that i knew of to do that. lighting that candle took too much outta me and i collapsed back on the bed.
i opened my eyes and it is morning the candle i had lit was out and a petite maid was sitting in the corner. i blinked again and my eyes adjusted and i knew who it was it was the amid who brought me covers before. she grinned at me realizing i was awake and came over to " today Mistress Meia-noite Vento we are gonna get you out of bed," she declared as she through back my covers and got me lifted up on the pillows so that i was in a sitting position. my stomach lurched from the sudden movement but i managed not to get sick again. i then looked my self over i was a blue tinted pale color. the maid must have noticed me staring because she then said " your color will come back in time miss. it is a side effect from a healer who came last night to make sure all your bones were properly set and he halfway healed em so they not cause as much pain for ya." again she smiled her full red painted lips not letting her teeth show.

"now clothes... Hmm how bout this," she asked as she went through a closet in the corner of the room and pulled out a silky yellow dress of many layers. "yes this will do nicely," she mumbled as she had me lean against the bed tabled and started to take off what appeared to be a nightdress off of me. i would've insisted on dressing my self but i was too tired to do so. by the time she got me dressed i had too plop back down on the bed and rest twice. " and they say ya ready to skedaddle outta bed. ha ya can barely stand your own weight... ah well i isn't in charge of ya i just do as i told." with that statement she left me

message 3: by Jade (new)

Jade wow! except for grammar mistakes, it had me reading! do you have more?

message 4: by Syd シド (last edited Aug 26, 2009 04:25AM) (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments Krissy wrote: "wow! except for grammar mistakes, it had me reading! do you have more?"

at the moment i i dont think i hav much'more but i will post wat i do have this afternoon i have not had much time to wtite now with skool

message 5: by Jade (new)

Jade cool, thanks!

message 6: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments yh i gotta get on my lappy top and do it it will b online very soon

message 7: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments “And they say ya ready to skedaddle outta bed. Ha ya can barely stand your own weight... ah well I isn't in charge of ya I just do as I told." with that statement she led me to mirror where I could look at myself. I really was beautiful I too had dark locks but mine had a blue tint to it. I was well filled out bust wise and I looked like a fairy the way I was shaped in a perfect hourglass. Plus the dress made me look like a princess. I smiled that’s when I noticed my face. It was worn looking though the maid kept saying it would look better in a couple of days when I was able to bathe without worrying about stitches coming loose. After I was done gawking at my beauty she led me out of the room.

We went down glorious hall way its wine red carpets set off the stone whitewashed wall in a beautiful fashion. The windows were wide and edged in forest green with smooth panes of glass set into place on each one. I had to lean against the wall for the beginning of the walk because the maid refused to help me. I walked on following as close behind as I could. As we reached a turn I felt myself lose my balance and right before I hit the floor the maid grabbed my elbow and helped me the rest of the way down some stairs into the courtyard where the stables were close by.
I can smell the salty air again. The hair on my neck goes straight up and my stomach flips. What happened to me out there I look at the see through an opening from which the courtyard goes into a pasture to the sea. The thought scares me that I don’t know. I have no idea where I am even from or what happened to bring me here I remember nothing.

Rodolfo I hear laughing in the stables and a horse whinnies in response. He must have a gift with horses for I do remember that that isn’t a common thing anymore and those that have it are so very lucky to be born with such a splendid gift. I want to go see him. I walk over to the stable only shaken with nervousness when I breathe in the salty air that unsettles me so. When I am halfway to the stable he walks out head held high smiling an amazing white smile. He tosses his lush locks then turns his head slowly in my direction I look away out to the ocean for I would hate to be caught staring.

I hear him walk behind me and before I know it he is cradling me in a cool embrace. “How are you feeling today Vento? Surely you’ve slept enough for awhile and I won’t have to wait so long for you to be up again.” I reply in a hushed whisper, “So much better than I was the last time I met you I can finely get out of bed.” “So I see jovens um. You still need to be cleaned up some but I suppose that can wait since you can’t get truly clean until the stitches dissolve.” As he spoke he touched my forehead lightly the coolness of his skin lingered even as his fingers left my head. “I have so many questions to ask you I don’t know where to start” I spoke this shyly for I am not one to speak my mind or tell what comes to mind freely. “Ask away Vento we have until your maid comes to take you inside for dinner.” “Well first how did I come to this place and how long was I unconscious? Was I so close to death as you keep saying I was?”

“To answer your first question you already know most of that already. My friends and I often get together whenever we have free time and that night we had been drinking on the beach laughing and talking when we here this ear piercing scream of plainly peer agony. Of course us being a curious bunch of men we went to look to see what it was. After walking some ways we see you lying in the sand with blood pooling all over you and your arm in a position that isn’t possible.” He motioned as the arm that was badly bruised that I thought to have never been broken. He swallowed and continued. “We stopped walking towards you once we could clearly see this. Then the others said it was best for us just to leave you there. That even such a beauty as that must perish when the time has come. One of them even volunteered to go over and put you out of your misery and at that point it would’ve probably been a blessing to you…” he glanced over at me for his eyes had drifted to that frightening sea.

message 8: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments I spoke for the first time since he had begun his tale. “What stopped you from letting him kill me? I would’ve been so thankful I was praying for death. I couldn’t even scream clearly anymore.” That hurt him I saw it in his blue eyes but he spoke confidently and strongly , “I hate to see a woman I had fallen in love with at first glance perish like that. That’s why I stopped him beleza.” I feel my cheeks turn red with embarrassment for I had not had any idea that someone actually cared about me. It had seemed that everyone here was just trying to be kind so to look good by their god’s standards.

“To answer your next question you have been kept asleep for a week. I often saw you at night after the first 3 days. The doctors didn’t like to leave you alone they thought at any minute it might be the end of you. It was depressing to look at you, like an infant so fragile. When you were awake I don’t think you knew you were. I was there every night but you didn’t even recognize that I was there. You just stared out the window at the sea with you purple eyes searching for something.”

I had no idea I had been asleep so long and I had been awake every night at least most of them any way. I could only remember being awake 3 times and no one was there when I awoke at night that I knew of. I couldn’t remember things very clearly but if it had been him surely I would’ve realized it. “I believe that I already answered your last question. Now I have a question for you. How old are you do you know?” before I even had time to think I answered him “Seventeen.” “Hmm… that was a quick answer so I suppose you knew that one. Do you know where you’re from?” this one didn’t come automatically so I had to answer myself. “No I don’t know where I’m from.” I felt discouraged now and upset for not knowing. He must’ve notice for he rubbed the small of my back in what seemed to be comfort.

I heard someone come out a door then and my maid came scurrying out to us. She urged me to come get cleaned up for supper and scolded Rodolfo for not making me sit down. Saying my legs were not fit for such a long stand and must be babied as much as possible. Rodolfo apologized to her then helped her help me to the entrance of the palace halls. He bid me farewell for now and left us.

“You think you’d know better than to just stand around. You fell coming down to the courtyard what made ya think you could just suddenly stand and have the most perfect balance. ya a stupid girl to think that.” She kept scolding me as we went to my rooms. When we got there I was out of breath and sore from my weight for the maid wasn’t near as strong as Rodolfo and couldn’t support all my weight for me. I collapsed on the bed and the maid scornfully looked at me. “I suppose ya won’t be able to make the trip to the dinner table so I will ask the prince to dine with you in your quarters if ya like. So ya best go on and sit and I be back with him soon.”

When the maid left I sat up on the bed that action alone was an effort the pain medication they had been making me scarf down in my sleep must be wearing off. I lifted my dress and examined my knee and ankle they were both more swollen then before and screamed with intense pain. They would have to be treated tonight. I started to get off the bed and as I did so my ankle gave out on me and I screeched. I guess I would have to get that treated sooner than I thought. I limped to a table and waited for my host to come in.

A few minutes later there was a knock on the door. Rodolfo walked in with his hair well brushed and nice crisp clothes on. As he has always done he smiled at me his gorgeous smile and sat down in the chair across from me gracefully. “Was the climb to your room to much for you Vento?” He grinned his grin his eyes twinkling he truly was just gorgeous. I nodded I felt kind of ashamed of not coming down for dinner but that all had melted away for he had come to me.

When we had finished eating he told me what it was like being a prince. I really didn’t care for the conversation but his sweet voice was something I could never tire of. I knew our time together for dinner was up I got up slowly from my chair but apparently not slow enough because my ankle gave out underneath me just before I hit the floor Rodolfo was there to catch me by the elbow. “Thanks…” I said. But that was all I said then he picked me up and cradled me in his arms. His arms were cool as his touch had always been and I felt his muscles flex underneath me. He set me down on my bed, “Meia-noite Vento may i have a look at your ankle that is what is in pain isn’t it. I nodded he had used my full name he must’ve really wanted me to do this for him. I lifted up my skirts so that my swollen ankle was in view. Gingerly he ran his fingers across the bruise. “I could heal this for you if you would like Vento.” “Wouldn’t the doctors have already done what could be done for it?” “No, they wouldn’t the doctors no their limit and know when they drain out to much. I simply was never patient enough to wait on those things. Though I must warn you if I do it, it will sting at first but you can’t yell. Alright? Second once I do this I will be too tired to return to my rooms so I will have to stay here tonight but I promise you I won’t do anything to you and will not even think such thoughts. If you can agree to all this I’ll do it for you.” I had to think about this I knew I could trust him and my ankle was killing me. So why not?? “Alright,” I answered. I layed down on the bed as he motioned me to and then he sat in a bedside chair and magic started to swirl around my ankle.

It did sting it felt as if I was being shocked. I bit my lip so I wouldn’t yelp out loud. A minute later I got the most pain full shock of all I yelped but managed to make it soft enough that only he could here and then it was done. As the magic vanished I looked over at Rodolfo he had a sheen of sweat on his forehead and looked a little dizzy. He spoke then though his voice was scratchy and his words were rather slurred “does it feel better now? I know it looks better but looks can be deceiving.” I smiled I tired smile and leaned over and hugged him. He didn’t have the energy to hug me back but I didn’t care a bit just as long as he knew how happy I was now. “Thank you Rodolfo,” I whispered in his ear. He smiled a weak smile then limped up onto the bed and fainted.

I smiled to myself and slept.

message 9: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments alot of wat i just posted hasnt been editted and needs some work but here it is krissy

message 10: by Jade (new)

Jade wow!

message 11: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments is it worth continuing tho???????? it seems the characters are so weakly put right now. i dont think they are... um... i guess i could say that they arent of the right consistenty yet. they just dont seem quite right yet

message 12: by Jade (new)

Jade you have the rest of your life to fix them if you want, you can always fix them later, syd, do you know brigid?

message 13: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments who?????????
and i no bur i still want it to be better cant i always strive foir that perfection

message 14: by Jade (new)

Jade Brigid, she's one of my great friends on g-reads, I bet she can help you if you need it, she loves writing too, and her stuff is amazing.....

And seriously, just keep working on it, and eventually it'll seem better

it's definetely worth continuing in my opinion

message 15: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments ok ty ill be sure to add her and hav her look at it

message 16: by Jade (new)

Jade yw

message 17: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments :) so how r u

message 18: by Jade (new)

Jade good, u?

message 19: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments pretty good im happy thats its the weekend

message 20: by Arch (new)

Arch Are any of you doing the Nanowrimo?

message 21: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments yh i am i am acually doing this story story too but i dont think i will be able to reach 50k this yr
oh btw i hav more ir it i will post it as soon as i can

message 23: by Aliya (new)

Aliya (ayilamina222) | 5 comments wow! ur so good @ writting.....u should continue writting it.....

message 24: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments thanx im not sure where its going right now though besides that vento has a dark past

message 25: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments this is really good tay a great storyline it flows well too it has some rough patches but overall it is an awesome storyline
Do u have any more? i wanna know how Ava will react to seeing her sister (if she does see her i mean)

message 26: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments that would be awesome if it did
i beleive that every 1 has a story to tel it is just that only some of us have the persistence and the gifr to write it down and to share it with the world.

message 27: by Arch (new)

Arch Everyone has a story, but everyone can't sit down and write it.

message 28: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments yh thats the point im trying to make thanx Arch

message 29: by Arch (new)

Arch You are welcome Syd.

message 30: by Syd シド (new)

  Syd シド ♫Just one of the wolves ♫ (sydaroo) | 61 comments :)

message 31: by Anna (new)

Anna (stregamari) Really, I think you should cut out at least half of the first paragraph, leave some information for later in the story. We realize Lisa is lying when she tells her friend that she's at the airport, no need to restate that. Maybe the accident could be better written(felt) as a flashback, with Lisa coming out of it when "fireflies" starts to play. just my thoughts, hope there's no offense taken

back to top