Query Help - YA Urban Fantasy

[Alex]

Dear (Agent Name),

Are we defined by what we were born as or are we defined by what we are made into?

Rose Holland must confront those demons, and literal ones, in THE ROSE VENDETTA. A Young Adult Urban Fantasy at 102,500 words.

On Rosalie Holland’s eighteenth birthday, her true fate began to unravel as visions of a past life started to invade Rose’s mind. Unbeknownst to Rose, she is a pawn in a plot set in motion long before her time. She is the reincarnation of Emelia, a witch, who grants Rose powers infinitely greater than she was destined. With this power, Rose is meant to vanquish the man that made Emelia into the revenge-obsessed monster she was.

But something went wrong.

Emelia is trapped within Rose with only one hope to succeed – surrendering the memories of her former life to Rose – but death has a way of alternating history and forgetting key details. Emelia’s memories break apart Rose’s identity piece by piece so she can be made into a weapon. Three people from Emelia’s life seek out Rose, each with their own agenda, so Rose needs to work fast before she loses what’s left of her identity just as she establishes love with her best friend.

Fans of The Mortal Instruments by Cassandra Clare and The Vampire Diaries TV show can enjoy the blossoming romance and road to the truth that The Rose Vendetta offers.

Because of your connection to (Agent-Specific Information) I feel that we would make a great match. I have pasted the first (X Pages/Chapters/Words) as you have requested and would be happy to provide more material as you wish.

Thank You for Your Time,

Alexandra Tamburro
(Contact Information, Website)
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Any comments, suggestions or other notes would be super-duper helpful.
Thank you guys in advance!

[Katlyn]

I think this story sounds great!! I love the question at the beginning, that totally held me.

Pros: Immediately hooked into the main protagonist; the story seems original and something I haven't seen in a while; query is cleanly written and at the right length.

Cons: confused with the 5th paragraph, starting with "Emelia is trapped..." There is a lot of key plot elements written in those few sentences, and I had to read that paragraph over and over to understand each part. weapon-what kind of weapon? mechanical? nuclear? and three people-what kind of people are they? threatening? thieves? killers? friends? and best friend-seems just thrown in. Maybe flesh this out a bit, adding just a few sentences to create a better flow, and change punctuation so the paragraph does not appear run on-ish

I hope this helps! And good luck!!

[Jessica]

I agree with Katlyn--a LOT happens in that fifth paragraph. Maybe you can pick one or two elements? And the best friend bit seems a bit tacked on. Leave it out, maybe?

I also think you should lose the log-line. Just start with "On Rosalie Holland..." and move the word count to the end. I'm sorry I can't be more helpful, but I think you're on the right track! Good luck!

[Alex]

Thank you guys so much!

[Leland]

Questions are not advisable in queries so I would avoid them.

I would move all of the word count and title stuff to the end.

The plot set in motion long before her time sentence seems not to add anything concrete. Its decent hook with reincarnation though it doesn't have your spin on the trope until the end of the paragraph.

After you say Rose is trapped, things get way too vague imo.

I might get rid of your comparisons only because tvd ended up really terribly after its first few seasons and the mortal instruments may have a bit too much popularity.

Also, there's really no reason to state you have the requested pages. They will assume you read their requirements.

[Alex]

Leland wrote: "Questions are not advisable in queries so I would avoid them.

I would move all of the word count and title stuff to the end.

The plot set in motion long before her time sentence seems not to add ..."
Thank you for you input!

[SweetSophie777]

Hi Alex,

I second what Leland said about the question you start with. I've heard many agents say they don't like them! Because 1) they don't actually give any info as to what the story's about and 2) they can come across as hokey.

Try to boil down your plot to what your character wants, what is in the way, and what the stakes are if she fails. Most of this query seems to focus on Emilia, and what I'm guessing is the real problem (Rose losing her identity just as she finds love) doesn't get mentioned until the last line.

Here's a skeleton you might use:

Hook including who and what: Something happens to Rosalie Holland that allows her to discover that she's the reincarnation of Emelia, a revenge-obsessed witch.

Conflict: Emilia wants this, but Rose just wants that. (Probably a good spot to mention the love interest).

So: What must Rose do to get what she wants and what will happen if she fails?

Hope that helps! The concept sounds really cool!

[Alex]

Tiffany wrote: "Hi Alex,

I second what Leland said about the question you start with. I've heard many agents say they don't like them! Because 1) they don't actually give any info as to what the story's about and..."

Thank you, that really helps a lot!