a raging sea ( trapped inside a raindrop )

[fallon starcrow]

heya ! it's fallon.

excuse the emo poetry.

i'm not very good at keeping journals, but maybe this will be the one that works. the pretty gifs on top might help. my timezone is weird and my typing style alternates between lapslock, Proper Capitalisation and CAPSLOCK depending on mood and person i'm talking to.

my music taste varies so much that my spotify account looks like five vastly different people run it, which kind of sums up my taste in everything.

radio station

the hush sound.mp3
oh wonder.mp3

[fallon starcrow]

help, moby dick is SO BORING

[fallon starcrow]

falls over hello hello !! i can't believe im doing my ee on moby dick ew

[fallon starcrow]

yeaaaaah i vaguely remember reading it when i was younger but. nope. just as awful as i remembered

i should study for my test tmr but im not. im gonna fail oops

[rae]

fallon starcrow | 銀河 wrote: "falls over hello hello !! i can't believe im doing my ee on moby dick ew"

eyy why did you pick that ?

[fallon starcrow]

to be super precise i'm doing the emoji version of it...but it's still confusing and honestly probably even MORE confusing

[fallon starcrow]

it's not even that chemistry is hard (ok this chapter maybe)???? i'm just so distracted very easily

[fallon starcrow]

oops, back :P

[fallon starcrow]

my life is major procrastination as of this moment

[fallon starcrow]

"be nice to others" yeah ok but not at the expense of myself ????? no thank you ???????? why do i have to sacrifice my happiness to make others potentially happy? i'm all for being nice and kind, but i shouldn't have to force myself to be around people who have a negative effect on me just because i want to "be nice" and make sure they're not sitting alone during lunchtime.

[fallon starcrow]

idk ???? there's this girl who keeps following me around but GOD i really don't want her to be, but other than me she really doesn't have anyone else, but our conversations consist of 99% her complaining about shit and being a total prima donna so no
thank
you

[fallon starcrow]

so sleepy

[ᴀᴜɢᴜsᴛᴜs]

" trapped inside a raindrop " oh my literal godss this is amazing write i fuckin book about this pretty please

[fallon starcrow]

it's such a pretty quote right !!! idk where it's from though unfortunately :/

[fallon starcrow]

(i.) titled: look back in ten years and cry of embarrassment

i miss him.

i miss him to the moon and back but im just another one of those city girls who come and go and —

people say love is selfish. people say they love someone so much that they go green with envy with just the thought of someone in another's arms

but i cannot feel that. cannot will not will never. he is a comet, illuminating that dark summer sky and all too soon i am in darkness again.

.

sometimes, i imagine that he remembers me. sometimes i imagine that while he toils away, muddy feet, he'll remember that girl who can spin a wordless story with pencil on paper.

.

i am home. my mind is a world away where he is a farmer boy, the only in his town who can read. i am a princess on the run. we hold hands under the summer moon.

i imagine myself returning two years later, a victory march. the kingdom is mine and peace is returned. sometimes, he is gone — he has left to become a knight in my palace, and i have just missed him. sometimes, i summon him by royal decree to work as a royal scholar.

.

i give away my books, he tells me, under the shade of a wooden house. a woman weaves away in a corner while he whispers it into my ear like the most exciting of secrets. i fill them up and give them away when i want to.

i have stacks upon stacks of them at home, i want to tell him. i keep them selfishly — a page out of my books is strange. i never take pages out of my books.

i give him a page out of my book before i leave. in return, he spins a story of his own into mine, a dragon.

he does not know but with that page i have given away a piece of my own heart.

.

all the girls are enamoured with him. the boys, too. how could they not be? i feel a secret joy when he chooses me. maybe love is a little selfish, after all.

.

he watches me draw more keenly than anyone else has ever done. there are city girls who come and go but not many know my craft.

with that i like to tell myself that i am special.

.

maybe tomorrow i will talk to him again.

[fallon starcrow]

what is art

[fallon starcrow]

this is living embarrassment and not art tbh

[fallon starcrow]

HOW is this art i am not art

ive basically written down what happened word for word :P

[fallon starcrow]

i am not, fight me

[fallon starcrow]

question why do people do things and then say "i'm not ready" as a defense

[fallon starcrow]

*dons armour*

yeah see like. if you're not ready and you PREFACE whatever you do with "by the way i'm not as prepared as I want to be" then that's FINE. at least people have a heads up. but if you're like here look at me and then people find mistakes with your work, not being ready is not an excuse

[fallon starcrow]

update on the guy: im gonna talk to him after exams are over

[fallon starcrow]

(ii.) titled: hometown / great-grandparents' shrine
warning for death ment.

(view spoiler)[

every year we get a day off for grave sweeping but there are no graves to sweep.

.

land is expensive. there is a space for taipo and taigong's ashes in their respective urns, and there is another plaque in place in the buddhist temple we go.

our shrine is the biggest and it takes up the space of 12 boxes, four up three across. it's the biggest one, like a cabinet, taipo's photo in black and white next to taigong's. (he died before I was born.) on top, engraved in gold into dark wood — the place where they were born, our family name, right to left.

.

i've never been to my hometown before save once. our house is abandoned, burgled bare, the windows shattered and any electricity that once was here no longer works because people have stolen the copper wire to sell.

a neighbour taps their water supply from our home.

there is a big framed photograph of our family tree, but only the men are on it. i'm not surprised, but the dust on the glass makes it hard for me to see the faces that came before me.

i want to know them.

.

when chinese people say their hometowns it does not mean where they come from. it does not mean where their city was born and it does not mean where they live now.

hometown is a concept that roots you to places you've never been to.

.

"there are bigger ones," grandpa says. "upstairs." there's something a little wrong with going to see the shrines of people who don't share your blood, but i go anyway.

grandpa is right. the shrines extend all the way from the ceiling to the ground. most only contain two people. (some of the other single box shrines contain two people, too.)

"these are all rich important people," grandpa tells us. "and they have powerful descendants. even the government won't touch them."

they do look untouched. tall and intimidating and marble stone. one of them is so dusty that i cannot see the inside at all. (I wonder which important person lies here, too.)

we stream back downstairs in silence.

.

in the buddhist temple, taipo and taigong share one plaque.

i ask my mother if i'll get places here, too. she laughs. "you're not asking for a house but you're asking for a place?"

because it costs just as much to have a home when you're alive and to have a home when you're dead.

(hide spoiler)]

[fallon starcrow]

hellooo

[fallon starcrow]

oops

AND YES I DID, it did happen

[fallon starcrow]

IT WAS OK HE DIDNT FORGET I EXISTED

[fallon starcrow]

i need to send him things so he doesn't forget me

[fallon starcrow]

i have dedicated a shrine to another boy, too

he's cute, talented and he dances like the wind and he dedicates his life to his craft but i shall watch him from afar

[fallon starcrow]

he's SUPER cute. truly he is very cute and i saw him again today

[blue]

omg i love the title of this journallll

[fallon starcrow]

yes he is the new guy and he's a dancer and he's soooooo good he's younger than me tho