Blurb help pretty please?

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

I hate writing blurbs! Blurb writing should have its very own level of h*ll. All the wonderful people here helped me out with my last blurb so I thought I would ask again. I know, I know I'm always asking for help with something! Ugh *bangs head against the wall* If you lovelies would please help me fix this blurb I will love you forever!!

Tasha
I wish I had never gotten mixed up with case. Being a detective with the LAPD, I didn't get much of a choice. I have been running from my past for a long time, but it just may be catching up with me. Twitch barreled into my life without a care and damnit if I don’t love every minute of it. He could be the one to save me . . . or break me. What terrifies me the most, he sees right through me.

Twitch
It was a job until it wasn't. I couldn't help but fall for that sexy little redhead. I noticed pretty quickly that she was damaged . . . just like me. It might have made me even more attracted to her. Yeah, I know that's pretty sick, but it's the truth. She barreled into my life with confidence and I was lost. How am I supposed to keep the demons from her past from eating her alive? I don't know, but I will do whatever it takes to make her mine.

It's really rough at the moment but any insight would be super helpful! Thanks! ❤️️❤️️❤️️

[Amanda]

Moved to 'author help'

And to help...I don't think this one is bad. I'm no expert at blurbs, because yeah, I hate writing them as well. So take my help with a grain of salt...

Tasha
I wish I would've never gotten mixed up with this case, but being a detective with the LAPD, I didn't have a choice. I've been running from my past for so long, I just know it's going to catch up with me. Then he barrels into my life without a care, and damn if I don't love every minute of it. What terrifies me the most is he sees right through me. He could be the one to save me...or break me.

Twitch
It was a job until it wasn't. I fell easily for that sexy little redhead, someone just as damaged as me, which makes me even more attracted to her. Yeah, I know that's pretty sick, but it's the truth. Now she's in my life and I'm lost in everything she is. I want to keep the demons in her past from destroying her. How? I have no idea, but I'll do whatever it takes to make her mine.

So yeah, hope that helps some:)

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

lol I knew that's where it went! Ugh thanks for the move! Sorry! Yes that was super helpful! Thank you!

[Annie, The Mistress]

Well, ya already know my obsession with short blurbs so I'd personally pull out a few extraneous/repetitive points.

The one thing that's a tad unclear to me in paragraph one is if "running from my past" is in anyway related to "Twitch barreled into my life"? And then I get to paragraph two and I'm like, "Oh, okay, they have no prior connection."

Fave line: How am I supposed to keep the demons from her past from eating her alive? I don't know, but I will do whatever it takes to make her mine.

Hope that help, missy! x

[T.L.]

I second the requirement for shortening.
Attention spa...ooh look butterfly!

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

@Mistress Ann yes super helpful thank you!!!!
@TL lol did you catch it?

[Amie]

I agree with Amanda on changing "Twitch barreled...." to "he barreled..." because I found myself stopping in that sentence as if I had read it wrong. I hadn't looked down to see that it was divided as Tasha/Twitch and Twitch took me by surprise as a name. But when I read it Amanda's version I have to say it flowed quite nicely.

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

Haha, yeah it's a nickname lol! Thanks for the feedback I think I will be removing Twitch from the first paragraph I don't want people to be confused!

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

Ok, so with all the amazing help this is what I came up with. Suggestions are still welcome and don't be afraid to tell me if it's garbage! LOL!

Tasha
Being a cop, I didn't have any choice, but I really wish I hadn't got mixed up in this case. My dark past was catching up to me ever since he barreled into my life without a care. It terrifies me that he sees right through me. He could be the one to save me . . . or break me.

Twitch
It was just a job. Until it wasn't. By then the sexy little redhead had her claws in me. Now she's in my life and I'm lost. How am I supposed to keep the demons from her past from eating her alive? I don't know, but I will do whatever it takes to make her mine.

We are two damaged souls, but together we may just heal.

[Annie, The Mistress]

Ooooh, Miss Ember. I dig a lot more. A LOT. Methinks Tasha's "voice" comes out much better in paragraph one.

I will say I feel like the ending is a bit anticlimactic. Like it builds all this tension and kinda snips the cord with "but together we may just heal." Hmm. Personally, I'd go with something along the lines of:

We are two damaged souls, but together we could be something else.

Okay, that sounds like absolute poo-poo LOL but yeah, something a bit more ambiguous and less happy-ending-esque, if that makes sense?

That said, it's stronger as it stands, imho ^_~

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

Thank you Mistress! I may just get the hang of this blurb writing thing yet!
Something like this?
We are too lost souls, but together we could be so much more.

[Jane]

I like the second version better, but I kind of like it ending with the 'make her mine' and not with the final line about damaged souls, but yeah, blurbs are not my strong suit!

[Annie, The Mistress]

Oooh! I was gonna say:

We are two lost souls but together we might be something more.

But actually, I like Princess Jane's suggestion better. Chop that last line. *ninja strike*

[Amanda]

Ember wrote: "Ok, so with all the amazing help this is what I came up with. Suggestions are still welcome and don't be afraid to tell me if it's garbage! LOL!

Tasha
Being a cop, I didn't have any choice, but I ..."

I started typing something else, but now that I'm rereading it, the first paragraph might be a little confusing. Being a cop, I didn't have any choice, but I really wish I hadn't got mixed up in this case. My dark past was catching up to me ever since he barreled into my life without a care. Going from the case to talking about her dark past makes me think the case is about her past. Which I'm assuming it's not since this is continuing from book 1, right?

And I'm not a huge fan of the last line either. Otherwise I liked it!

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

Awesome! I'm cutting that! The thing is the case takes them into her hometown and her dark past so its kinda the same. But yes it is continuing from book 1

[Amanda]

Ember wrote: "Awesome! I'm cutting that! The thing is the case takes them into her hometown and her dark past so its kinda the same. But yes it is continuing from book 1"

Oh okay. Sounds good!

[Amanda]

Ju wrote: "On another note, why do authors give their characters so similiar names? "

I think characters name themselves sometimes. They can be very persistent.

[Annie, The Mistress]

Ju wrote: "why do authors give their characters so similiar names? Sometime if there are more than two, I get whipped lashed, going back and forth to see whose POV I'm reading. (I'm equally guilty)."

Hmm. Interesting point but... seeing as how Miss Ember has already named her characters and is only asking for help with her blurb, we're not gonna start critiquing other stuff or derailing this thread (any more than usual LOL).

You're totally welcome to whip up another thread to discuss if you wish, though ^_~

Amanda wrote: "I think characters name themselves sometimes. They can be very persistent."

This is very true haha! No, really, very true.

[Annie, The Mistress]

Commented deleted (sorry!!)

Like I said, we're just gonna stick to what Miss Ember asked for help with and keep the criticism constructive. Thanks so much, everyone!

[Ember-Raine, The Lady]

Amanda wrote: "Ju wrote: "On another note, why do authors give their characters so similiar names? "

I think characters name themselves sometimes. They can be very persistent."

Absolutely true! My characters all have a tendancy to name themselves! I don't really have a choice in the matter! :D