Query help

[Arianne]

Hey guys! I have been sending out this query for a few months with no luck so far. It may be the fault of the query, the fault of the writing sample, or the fault of the concept, but I'd love to get some second opinions on my query. Post your own too!

Dear (X),

I am seeking representation for My Life As a Teenage Potato (italicized), an upper MG contemporary novel complete at 55k words.

9th grader Ben Hardy moves to Pocatello, Idaho and can’t seem to stay out of trouble. When a classroom-destroying stunt sends him to detention for the tenth time, he faces an impending suspension that would prevent him from attending Winter Formal with the girl of his dreams. Desperate, Ben sidesteps his punishment by agreeing to be the replacement school mascot. And that mascot is a potato.

Ben hides his identity, anxious to get through the last four games of the season as painlessly as possible. But things take a turn for the worst when he trips the team's star player with a prop from his juggling routine, making him the most wanted criminal at his school.

I graduated with a Bachelor’s Degree in English Teaching and became a middle school English teacher. My time interacting with students has enabled me to tap into their humor and capture the awkwardness of being a teenager in my writing.

May I send you my completed manuscript? Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Jessica]

This is a lot tougher than some, because honestly it seems pretty good! Nuts and bolts wise, my suggestion would be to cut "may I send you my completed manuscript?" They know it's completed and they'll ask if they want it, so it's redundant. I'd also cut "I am seeking representation for..." because they know you're seeking representation, otherwise you wouldn't be querying them.

Two nitpicks are that book titles are in all caps, not italicized. And, though I've heard mixed advice on this, you should move the title and genre to the end of the query. It's my opinion that you should hook the reader first, then say the title and word count (in case it's unforgivable on either front haha). Oh, and i think the phrase is "turn for the worse" not worst. Query letters are so short that they have to be perfect!

I think the main problem is that it's missing the stakes. I read the body of the query, but when I got to the end I thought "that's it?" Why is it such a bad thing that he tripped the popular kid? What's going to happen to him? What does "wanted criminal" entail at this school? You need a paragraph like "And now Ben must avoid getting a pummeling by the football team, all while trying to woo the girl of his dreams as a vegetable." Something to tie the book together (but much less awful than my example haha)

I know these things suck, but don't give up! Go to QueryShark and read all of the archives to get a better idea. You can do it!

-Jessica

[Arianne]

Okay, AWESOME advice. I especially love the "put more stakes in it" part. What would we writers do without our fellow writers? Much thanks!
--Arianne