Requesting Feedback on YA Fantasy Query

[SweetSophie777]

Hello Fellow GRers,

I posted my query letter here previously and revised it based on the feedback. I'm hoping this iteration is stronger. Would love to hear some of your thoughts on if it's working. Thank you.

Dear [agent name],

I am submitting WORST OF LUCK (81,000 words), a fast-paced YA fantasy with quirky humor and touches of sarcasm, to you because [whatever reason I'm submitting to them].

New-guy Kennedy Jacobs finds out exactly why Adina Anteloni doesn’t fit in at school when she sprouts a pair of horns and curses him at the spring dance. Adina is secretly a Zoandrian, a human-animal hybrid with a magical talent, and unfortunately for Kennedy, her talent is Curse Working. Now Kennedy is living through one terrible day after another, body-hopping from person to person who are experiencing the worst of luck, and Adina faces serious punishment if the Zoandrian Senate finds out she lost her temper … again.

When Kennedy’s body-hopping lands him in the mind of a Zoandrian rebel, Adina isn’t able to hide her mistake any longer. The rebels suspect Kennedy knows their secrets, and the Senate is certain he knows too much about them all. The rebels want Kennedy dead while the Senate plans to strip him of his memories—even the ones he’s beginning to grudgingly cherish of Adina. It will take everything they have to remove the curse and turn their bad luck around … and maybe into something more.

WORST OF LUCK is a standalone novel with series potential that will appeal to readers who enjoy unlikely romances and stories featuring schools for magic-users. The humor and multiple perspective storytelling may appeal to fans of Anna Bank’s Syrena Legacy Series while the concept of living as a new person each day may appeal to fans of David Levithan’s Every Day. Professionally, I am the co-founder of a local critique group, a member of the Editorial Freelancers Association, and the lead author on a scientific publication about the endangered Georgetown salamander. Non-professionally, I am a crazy cat lady who loves Disney, dragons, and dessert.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Keith]

I think it is too wordy. My stab at it:


Kennedy, the new guy, finds out the hard way exactly why Adina doesn’t fit in at school. She sprouts a pair of horns and curses him at the spring dance! Now Kennedy is living through one terrible day after another as he body-hops from person to person, each experiencing their worst day of luck. Adina faces serious punishment if the Zoandrian Senate finds out she lost her temper … again.

When Kennedy’s body-hopping lands him in the mind of a Zoandrian rebel, Adina isn’t able to hide her mistake any longer. The rebels and the Senate feel Kennedy knows too much. The rebels want Kennedy dead while the Senate plans to strip him of his memories—even the ones he’s beginning to grudgingly cherish of Adina. Kennedy and Adina work to remove the curse and turn their bad luck around … and maybe into something more.


While the crazy cat lady (kitten, judging by your picture ;-) bit is amusing, I'm not sure it necessarily helps. It does show humor, and if the book is intended to be humorous (hinted at in the blurb) then it might fit well. I think mentioning your membership in EFA is good, but not sure about co-founding a critique group. The comment about the salamander is interesting and shows you are more than a writer.

Good luck with it!

[SweetSophie777]

Just realized I never responded to this! Though I could have sworn I did ... I even remember saying something about the crazy cat lady part, but I guess that was a hallucination or the internet ate my comment.

So, anyway, thank you for the feedback, Keith!

Keith wrote: "I think it is too wordy. My stab at it:


Kennedy, the new guy, finds out the hard way exactly why Adina doesn’t fit in at school. She sprouts a pair of horns and curses him at the spring dance! No..."

[Alex]

Your intro sentence is quite bulky and could very easily be slimmed down. For example,
"Because of your interest in (bit of research on agent), I would like to submit my YA fantasy, WORST OF LUCK, for your consideration."
Leave word count for the end, and rather than telling me your novel includes sarcasm etc., show it to me in your summary.

The last sentence of your first summary paragraph is 38 words long, and quite hard to follow. Cut it down, and split into two or more sentences.

Is body-hopping a power that Kennedy has? Or did Adina curse him, and he doesn't have control over it? If it's the first, I'm missing that connection in there. If it's the later, this is starting to feel like Adina should be the protagonist even though the query suggests it is Kennedy. Focus on his character's agency if he's the protagonist.

This may just be a personal preference, but I find the use of ellipses (...) to look unprofessional and makes for weaker sentences. Find a way to make the sentences strong enough on their own, trust me you'll get a better emotional punch that way.

Your last paragraph is way, WAY, too long. Again, you don't need to tell us what the novel is like, you should have been able to show us in the summary. As for comp titles, it's up to your preference whether or not to include them. Personally, I don't feel like they do anything but eat up word count, but I'm also not an agent.

As for a bio, keep the part about EFA, leave out the critique group, and include the scientific journal unless the salamander directly relates to the novel (in which case that should be apparent in the summary). And the non-professional aspect is not necessary. If it is your first novel, and you feel like you absolutely need something else in your bio, you can mention it. Otherwise use the extra space in your word count to splurge on your summary--most people don't get that luxury!

Hopefully this helps!