NA fantasy query

[Nikki]

Any and all help would be appreciated...still feels off to me.


Zara was never meant to be an outcast. Once upon a time, she was a Red Cape— a member of the respected forest guard. That was before the accident, though. The one that left her partner dead and her to blame. Now expelled from the guard and living a life of shame, all Zara wants is to redeem herself and earn back her coveted position. The perfect opportunity arises when a mysterious Hunstman shows up in the kingdom…looking for her.

Somewhere deep within the dark forest, a princess is being held captive by the werewolves and their king. As the royal Huntsman, it’s Ronan’s job to find her and bring her back. And who better to guide him than a former member of the renowned Red Capes? While Zara isn’t thrilled at the idea of working side by side with the irritatingly charming Huntsman, she’s in no position to refuse his proposition. Especially if she wants to impress the guard and earn a second chance. Together, they enter the forest to face the myriad of terrifying creatures awaiting inside.

Ardon, the werewolf king, has an agenda of his own...one where he and his pack rise from exile to reclaim their place at the top of the food chain. When he begins to make unexplainable appearances within Zara’s dreams, she realizes things are far from what they seem. The truth behind their strange connection may not be one she’s ready for. However, the werewolf king is far from the only one harboring dark secrets. What began as a simple rescue mission will soon turn into a challenge not only for Zara’s life, but for the world outside the forest.

DARK FOREST is complete at 70,000 words.

[Keith]

I think it is too wordy. Why not read some of the others to get an idea of what changes others have made? Generally you want to aim for 100-150 words and you are at 287. I think you have the elements, just need to tighten it up.

[Nikki]

I agree, it's very wordy. Thanks so much for the feedback...so far I've only managed to get it down to 200, but it's a start.


Red Capes have one job: keep people from entering the forest, and keep whatever is inside from getting out. Unfortunately, Zara’s time as a Red Cape is over. With her partner dead and her to blame, she’s banished from the guard and forced into a life of deadly deals and unlawful favors. All Zara wants is one last chance to redeem herself. The imperfect opportunity arrives in the form of Ronan, a mysterious Huntsman searching for a stolen princess— yet another victim of the werewolves. He needs to enter the Dark Forest, and who better to guide him than a former Red Cape?  

However, it’s not just a lost princess that awaits her inside the forest. When the werewolf king himself begins making cryptic appearances within her dreams, Zara is left to wonder the truth behind their strange connection. What he wants is clear— to rise from exile and regain his old power. And for some reason, he needs Zara to do it. While she’s certain it has everything to do with their unexplainable bond, not even her burning curiosity will allow her to give in. Soon what began as a simple rescue mission becomes a challenge for her life. One the werewolf king is intent on winning. 

[Keith]

Here is a stab at it, use as much or as little as you like:


Zara was a Red Cape - a member of the Forest Guard - until her partner died, with Zara blamed. Now she lives a life of shame: deadly deals and unlawful favors. A chance at redemption arrives in the form of a mysterious Huntsman, Ronan.

Somewhere in the forest a princess is being held by the werewolve king Ardon. Ronan's mission: to recover the princess. He needs Zara's expertise to make that happen.

Ardon has his own agenda: to rise up from exile and reclaim his rightful place. He begins that process by appearing in Zara's dreams. Somehow Zara is critical to Ardon's success just as she is for Ronan's.

Can Zara redeem herself helping Ronan recover the princess? Can she block Ardon from using her in his revolution?


132 words.