Query Help YA

[Rachel]

Any and all help is appreciated.

Mathilda Whitfox is the perfect member of her country’s Sentrist elite — wealthy, well-born, gifted in diverse fields from chemistry to equestrianism. Almost perfect, that is. Sixteen-year-old Sentrist don’t turn their classmates green. They don’t venture into city slums at night. They certainly don’t brag. Ever (ahem).

When Mathilda sneaks out to celebrate the most contentious election in the country’s history, she walks right into a revolution. The lower class Plebeon majority overthrows the Sentrist minority, and Mathilda’s politically connected family is a prime target. Mathilda’s books are burned, her mother sent to a prison camp, and her beloved Uncle faces execution. When the borders close, many Sentrists despair, but not Mathilda. She can navigate the city’s underground tunnel system as well as the halls of government. She’s skilled at disguise and a pro at lock picking. When she finds a way to escape to a neighboring country, Mathilda must make a choice. She can leave and save herself or stay and risk her life attempting to save those she loves.

What Mathilda doesn’t know is that those she loves have a secret agenda of their own. [unsure if I should keep this line]

Rules for Reluctant Outlaws is a 120,000 word YA.[ A comparable work for its character driven prison-breaks is Ruth Lauren’s MG Prisoner of Ice and Snow. As an art historian, I drew on historical events ranging from Ancient Republican Rome to the French Revolution to create a society separated by class and intelligence facing a major transition. I’ve also been running an arts and culture blog with around 40 contributors for the past four years. I end up writing the articles no one else wants and my special talent is making a list of upcoming events for the month of February very sexy. -- for those seeking a bio]

I appreciate your time and look forward to hearing from you.

[Keith]

I find it wordy. You seem to cover the relevant components (intro, stakes, obstructions), but I don't feel the energy. I also feel mentioning her disguise/lock picking skills at the end smacks of deus ex machina, so might be better to lead with that rather than make her sound conventional. And don't make her too perfect, 16 is rather young to have so many talents in an otherwise ordinary life (unless all her peers get the same training).

You are also a bit past the max word count for any debut novel (80-110K is considered the sweet spot for adult contemporary, with less being more) and my understanding for YA, well past that point (50-80K being the norm). Everyone is different, of course, but I suspect you're going to have a hard sell with something at 120K. Yes, there are plenty of lengthy YA/NA tomes out there, but most are by well established authors with established series.

I think the important elements of your bio (be sure to include your comparable!) is you are an art historian and run a blog. I don't think adding that you write articles no one else wants to necessarily helps. An agent is going to judge you on the strength of your MS, nothing else. All you want is enough of a tease to make them want to read an MS written by someone different from everyone else.

[Rachel]

Keith wrote: "I find it wordy. You seem to cover the relevant components (intro, stakes, obstructions), but I don't feel the energy. I also feel mentioning her disguise/lock picking skills at the end smacks of d..."
Thank you!

[Nat]

Agreed. The query letter needs to be three paragarphs
1 - book title, genre, length, and if you have it, comparable titles, or who you might market to. Why you chose this agent.

2 - the book itself: Character, what she wants, what is in her way, what is at stake. (This can be up to two paragraphs)

3 - a bit about yourself.

Query letters are sucky hard. I think your book sounds really interesting, though, so just giving you that! I end up putting too much worldbuilding in my queries, and have been told that isn't necessary. So, those are my not so helpful two cents.