Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query help
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Think you need to start with:Four children discover magic, technology and a lost civilisation when they journey to the American South West on a mission/quest/etc to save their people.
And then er what?
We need action, suspense, not a description of the desert.
As it stands your current par repeats magic/al and lost civilisation in two out of three sentences. What happens to these kids?
While middle grades is one area where the market favors traditional publishers, don't forget that most people are going indie.First--READ THE BOOKS THAT TELL YOU WHO WANTS WHAT!
Target your agent with care, publishers talk to agents, not writers. You want someone who represents what you are writing. You are going to be rejected. A lot. Sorry. You'll be in the best of company.
Second--You need a solid three chapters to send along with a blurb that's going to totally capture their imagination. If the agent's slush reader/lackey loses interest within the first page because you're world-building, not story-telling, you have a real problem. Spend time on getting a killer blurb and blockbuster chapter one rather than working on a website.
Third--think about the financial effects of a middle grade school book where the best part may be on the web and only directly accessible straight from the reading experience from and ebook. You may really want to go indie on this.
Really, really fast rewrite of blurb:
Desperate to save their families, name, name, name, and name must face the mystery, beauty, harshness and legend of the American South West desert of the American South West as they search for a lost civilization that has the ancient technology which will save their own people/village/city/whatever.
Johanna wrote: "While middle grades is one area where the market favors traditional publishers, don't forget that most people are going indie.First--READ THE BOOKS THAT TELL YOU WHO WANTS WHAT!
Target your agent..."
You have given me lots to think about, thank you!
I was really wanting to read that travel book about the American southwest.Now just make me want to read the book you actually wrote.
Thanks for all the feedback! So helpful!How about this:
According to legend, when a Skinwalker resurfaces to take over the land, the only hope is the four represented by the Figures in the Sky uniting to defeat him. This is the story of two sets of siblings who are given the seemingly impossible task of preserving their different and sometimes opposing cultures while trying to figure out the meaning of the legend, finding someone to save them, and evading a common enemy.
Juniper thought he could learn anything from his tablet, but finds out the hard way that he doesn’t know how to survive the hostile desert of the American Southwest least of all how to save his people. His sister, Lupine, has always been given everything but nothing she has really wanted. She isn’t sure how to handle suddenly having nothing, but learns she has more than possibly imagined. Muya, who loves animals more than people, thinks surviving Black Ogres and Winged Serpents is nothing compared to allying with those she once thought of as enemies. Her brother, Tawa, thought he had nothing, but realized that if their journey isn’t successful he has everything to lose. While pursued by the Skinwalker, the four travel through surreal landscapes where legend comes to life giving them the knowledge and tools required to defeat their enemy. Will they learn to work together to discover the meaning of the legend before it is too late?
This is much better than your first draft.You've totally dropped the "ruins of a lost civilization" and "magic and technology" bits. I feel like these could be worked in a bit more to give the story and the Skinwalker a bit more depth. Right now the name, Skinwalker, is the only thing giving us the heebie-jeebies.
I assume that even though the two sibling pairs are from different cultures (what cultures?) they both share the same legend? What legend? How is there culture at stake?
It's a lot to hint at in 300 words or less. Keep in mind - I've never heard anyone say they like this part of the process.
I would say you need to cut out the first paragraph completely. Maybe slip a sentence (two at the most) of backstory when Skinwalker is introduced at the end. I presume the story is about the four children, so you need to make the blurb about them. Who they are (you did fair with that), what they have to overcome (not terrible, but could use some work) and the stakes (not really discussed). A problem with having four equal protagonists (assuming they are actually equal, if not, drop the ones that aren't) is trying to cover something about them in the traditional 100-150 words alloted for the blurb. You probably need to pair them up rather than having sentences for each.
How about this:According to legend, when a Skinwalker resurfaces to take over the land, the only hope is the four represented by the Figures in the Sky u..."
So I'm reading this and come to a dead stop at the word "four" as my mind asked...four what? Four what are represented by figures in the sky? Reading further doesn't really clarify it very well. I'm guessing the two sets of siblings, but there's no real connection between the two.
The desert of the American South West is a magical land filled with ruins of a lost civilization. It is a landscape full of mystery, beauty, harshness and legend. This is a story of four children who travel this landscape finding the magic and technology of that lost civilization in order to save their own.
Title: The Figures in the Sky
Target Audience: Middle Grades
Genre: Fantasy
Word Count: 51,800
While this story is fiction and fantasy all the locations mentioned in the story are real places. When I journey into the desert, the animals and geographical features make it seem as though I have entered a place of fantasy. Currently, I am in the process of making a website that would link to an eBook version of the story, allowing readers to see images of and to find out more about the animals and geological features mentioned in the story.
Thanks for your help!