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Query letters are three paragraphs max.First paragraph - introduction and why you're contacting this person specifically.
Second paragraph - synopsis of the book.
Third paragraph - your bio.
Signed,
You
Lily is right about the query letter length, but you can change the order of the paragraphs to put your book hook first. That's 35 words max. I've cut some of your text to show you. I would add more details about your writing experience (classes, contest wins, top finishes, short fiction publications) to the final paragraph if you have those credentials. As Lily says, it's also useful to explain why you've targeted this particular person (does he/she represent or publish books like yours, for instance.).Virtual reality has never been used like this. Ben and Hector, ex-employees of a weapons/drugs corporation have forged an underground virtual reality simulator. All they need is wealthy clients with a perverse idea of entertainment.
Teenager victims are unwittingly transported to the lab and repeatedly drugged, leaving them with no memory of the simulations. It doesn’t take long for parents and local police to take notice of a sudden surge in violent and bizarre behavior at local high schools. A simulated fight can only go so far. To heighten the viewer’s excitement, personal afflictions and troubled pasts are targeted, placing the teenager in his or her own personal hell. As well hidden as Project Zero is, it cannot go unnoticed forever.
Head Trip is a 105,007-word adult science fiction/adventure novel with series potential aimed at those in their twenties and thirties. The book is rife with influence from my many years playing video games whilst dreaming of a great story I could weave into a novel. There is plenty of action to keep the thriller elements of the book moving along at a brisk pace. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Word count should always go in the first paragraph, that's part of the introduction.Dear Whomever,
I'm seeking representation for (genre, word count), reason why I'm contacting you, etc.
Next paragrph, synopsis.
Third, bio, publishing credits, anything.
I'm not being mean. This is standard format and what agents expect. If they don't see standard format, it goes in their rejection pile. Sad, but true.
Thanks for the advice! I had seen some that deviated from that standard format on successful query letters here:http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-b...
I saw one that had five paragraphs that were two lines each and it got accepted by the agent.
It is not set in stone, but yours IS too long. My query has 3 paragraphs. Word count, genre, etc are in last paragraph. I have no intro, per se...I started with a hook. I've gotten plenty of requests. So don't feel like you have to conform! Just make it interesting, and save some info for the request.
Query shark (Janet Reid) has a great blog on querying. A few hours on that is a good investment.
I've sold my two fantasy romances with a hook-first query. As to length, as Lena says, yours is too long, which is why I cut it down to one page. You need to hook the reader here. Be clean. Be consise. Save the detail for the synopsis.
Updated QL:Dear (name):
Wes had seen plenty of disturbing scenario’s during his criminal career, but nothing compared to Ben and Hector inflicting terror on a young girl using virtual reality technology.
Ben and Hector, ex-employees of a weapons/drugs corporation have established Project Zero, the first underground virtual reality simulator with a most sinister purpose. Their only outside contact is Wes Dunley, a man with seedy connections to wealthy clients with a perverse idea of entertainment.
Teenage victims are unwittingly transported to the lab and repeatedly drugged, leaving them with no memory of the simulations. It isn’t long before parents and local police take notice of a sudden surge in violent and bizarre behavior at local high schools.
Project Zero’s live-streaming, simulated fights can only go so far. To heighten the client’s interest, personal afflictions and troubled pasts are targeted, placing the teenager in his or her own personal hell. As well hidden as Project Zero is, it cannot go unnoticed forever.
Head Trip is my first 105,007-word adult science fiction novel with series potential and plenty of action to appeal to the twenties and thirties market. I am seeking agency representation and appreciate your time and consideration. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Sincerely,
Preston Orrick
I can't tell by reading who your protagonist is and the point of the story. Also, just say 105,000 words.Check your punctuation, too. Scenarios, not scenario's.
Abigail wrote: "I can't tell by reading who your protagonist is and the point of the story. Also, just say 105,000 words.Check your punctuation, too. Scenarios, not scenario's."
That was my reaction, too. Is your book about the employees who created Project Zero? That's how it reads now. Your game masters. So if it's more of a Hunger Games type situation, your query should be about the teens in PZ.
There are no absolute rules for query letters. Anecdotes of success are as wild and varied as any work of fiction. I offer some guide lines based on pitches that have worked for me at writers conferences and my own query letters.Know your genre and only query agents who rep your genre. Begin your pitch by stating title, word count and genre. Learn something about the target agent and craft a sentence explaining why they might find your work compelling.
As for describing the content of your work, I've found nothing beats a great log line, a ONE SENTENCE description. A log line tells an agent everything they need to know.
End with a brief paragraph detailing your writing credentials. Anything helps, from working on the school paper to a closet full of journals.
Great log lines and tight query letters require a lot of thought but establish you as a pro who won't waste an agent's time. That sends a powerful message.
Mark wrote: "There are no absolute rules for query letters. Anecdotes of success are as wild and varied as any work of fiction..."Just to illustrate your point, your advice is contrary to what some working agents (such as Janet Reid and Kristen Nelson) say a query letter should be.
Two things seem to be more-or-less consensus rules:
-- The query should answer three questions: (1) who is the protagonist, and what does he/she want; (2) who/what is trying to stop him/her from getting it; and, (3) what happens if the protag doesn't get what he/she wants. (I've yet to see an agent writing on the subject who wants only a one-line description.)
-- The query is one page, ~250 words including everything that follows "Dear Ms. Agent".
The best thing to do is to check the agent's online presence to see if she/he has posted specific guidelines about queries. A number of blogging agents post examples of queries that worked for their clients. Janet Reid has gone one farther and set up a blog entirely about queries (queryshark.com).
Good advice, Lance. I saw one accepted query letter that had less than 200 words.
Oh, and I think you meant: queryshark.blogspot.com
Preston there are no rules but always look up the agent you are writing. They have different requirements and if you forget something - your letter is useless. This site is quite useful. Good Luckhttp://www.querytracker.net/query-let...
Oh, and Head Trip will focus on the antagonists. I really don't have a protagonist. Think Breaking Bad ie lots of bad people with no real hero in the mix.
Even Breaking Bad has a protagonist, Walt. The protagonist isn't 'the good guy' and the antagonist isn't 'the bad guy.' The protagonist is the character the reader identifies with and roots for, however much of an anti-hero he/she may be. The antagonist is simply the character or characters standing in the main character's way. Sometimes both are 'good' but have conflicting goals.Which character/characters in your book are changed in some fundamental way by the events in your book? Whose 'journey' is this? That's your protagonist.
I wouldn't say anybody is changed. Three 'bad' guys are running an operation and it follows their exploits and the effects it has on their community.
And I didn't find Walt to have changed at the end. He became bad early on and stayed that way. I didn't root for Walt but I did watch every season ;)
But you were watching to find out what happened to HIM, right? Whose journey in your book should readers be fascinated by?
I would say it focuses more on the actions of many than of a few.
Preston wrote: "Oh, and Head Trip will focus on the antagonists. I really don't have a protagonist. Think Breaking Bad ie lots of bad people with no real hero in the mix."Note that I didn't use the word "hero." As @Helen said, the protagonist is the central (or at least main) character, the one who most drives the story. S/he doesn't have to be good or admirable, just interesting. (Try Beat the Reaper for a thoroughly reprehensible protagonist.) It's possible to have more than one, but the number is still reasonably small.
The antagonist is whatever opposes the protagonist. If your protag is a criminal, the antagonist is a cop (or something). Again, it's all about who drives the plot, not who's "good" or "bad."
If somehow you've managed to craft a story in which a collective truly acts as a single entity and drives the plot, then the query focuses on that collective: what does it want? Who/what is opposing it? What happens if the collective doesn't get what it wants?
Dear (name):
Virtual reality had never been used like this, to manipulate innocent teenagers in a simulated environment with any number of threats to contend with in any scenario Ben and Hector desired.
Ben Linman and Hector Harris, two ex-employees of a major weapons and drugs corporation have teamed together to forge Project Zero, an underground virtual reality simulator somewhere in Nevada. All they need is wealthy clients with a perverse idea of entertainment.
Enlisting the help of rat-faced private counselor Wes Dunley and his strong connection with a seedy underworld, kids are unwittingly transported to the lab and repeatedly drugged, leaving them with no memory of the simulations.
It doesn’t take long for parents and local police to take notice of a sudden surge in violent and bizarre behavior at local high schools. At first, a popular and most volatile candy coated drug, nicknamed ‘Rachel’, is to blame, casting a shadow over the real problem.
A simulated fight can only go so far. To heighten the viewer’s excitement, personal afflictions and troubled pasts are targeted, placing the teenager in his or her own personal hell. As well hidden as Project Zero is, it cannot go unnoticed forever.
Head Trip is a 105,007-word adult science fiction/adventure novel with series potential aimed at those in their twenties and thirties. The book is rife with influence from my many years playing video games whilst dreaming of a great story I could weave into a novel. There is plenty of action to keep the thriller elements of the book moving along at a brisk pace. I appreciate your time and consideration.
Best,
Preston Orrick