RECKLESS WRITING

[Erin]

Once A Masterpiece

We have history,
We were a masterpiece.
I gave you everything
but I meant nothing.

You with all your pretty lies
and all your "it's gonna be fine" 's.
I told you you were the universe to me
and you told me I deserved the world
so I guess I didn't deserve you,
didn't see how your words could hurt,
didn't predict how you'd walk away.

I tried to stop myself from catching feelings
but I was way too late,
should've listened when they said young love doesn't last anyways,
should've listened when they said depression was a battlefield
and we were both in the middle of a warzone
trying to stay innocent but breaking in the chaos.

I told you I loved you
and you disappeared on me without a second thought,
never questioning how you might break me,
never wondering what it'll take to lose me.

Well, I lost me.

But you still haven't
and isn't that fucking strange?
How someone can still have so much power over you
despite the amount of time that passes?
Despite the fact that you've lost control over yourself,
despite the fact you've lost your sense of identity?
Isn't it so fucking strange how you can love someone
who you clearly mean nothing to?

Why can't I stop?
Why can't I move on?
Why do I still let you break me after all this time?
Why are you the one I'll always love more?

It sucks,
doesn't it?
Always being the one who loves more,
who loves too much,
always seeing everyone else disappear as they learn to move on,
as you stand there frozen in time.

I miss you,
I want to scream that into the cosmos
because maybe then you'll hear me,
maybe then you'll come back,
maybe then you'll care,
but I know you won't.
I know you can't
because despite how close we once were,
I'll always be too much,
too broken,
for anyone to love me back.

We have history,
I thought we were a masterpiece
but we were broken at the seams
and you'll never forgive me
and I'll never forgive me,
so our story is over.

I know that.
However, I'll always be waiting,
because guilt scares me
into thinking maybe you're really gone,
maybe I lost you way more than I thought,
maybe I destroyed you,
and that really fucking scares me.

I love you.
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

[Erin]

You

you tell me you don't want me to end up alone

that you won't be here forever

but don't you know that you are the reason I can't love anyone else?

you're abusive and manipulative,

invasive and cruel,

you're a total narcissist who uses lies to excuse the truth.

you tell me you love me

but you have told me the opposite too

so when I say I'm afraid to love, why can't you understand?

you have belittled me

turned me into nothing

used me until I felt nothing.

you know just how to destroy my self-esteem

how to make my voice sound fragile

how to make my bones weak.

you are not a lover

you were supposed to be a mother

instead all you created was a sufferer out of a daughter.

you can use my skeleton to decorate your walls

use my blood to sacrifice to your god

and my heart to feast upon.

you can hate me

and need me

but you never ever love me.

you love that you can use me

you love that you can abuse me

you love that you can break me.

I am nothing but yours

and you know that I will never be anything more

because I'm just a doll to you, a tool you can use.

[Erin]

Hallucinations

My mom wanted to blame my hallucinations on the crime shows I'd been watching

but I didn't have the guts to tell her it wasn't them I was hearing,

it was her.

It was always her.

From the moment she told me I should kill myself already

to the moment she tried kicking me out a few days before I left for college-

all I could hear was her voice,

taunting me,

destroying me.



I used to run a lot,

thought that it was the only way to stop thinking,

the only way to ignore my anxiety,

the only way I'd ever prepare to escape.

I used to run,

even after my ankles were swollen,

even when I accidentally twisted them,

even after falling and scraping my knees.

Even when I was bleeding,

I would run.



I thought I deserved to feel pain

because I couldn't gather the courage to kill myself,

the way I was certain everybody around me wanted me to.

When I first heard my mother's voice,

she told me she hated me.

She told me I was a mistake,

something she wished she could replace,

something she got stuck with and now could only use to clean up other messes.



I wanted to die

but was living for people I was sure hated me

because some days they convinced me they needed me.

I was confused

because why did sometimes they love me

and sometimes they despise me

and sometimes they didn't know who I was?



Nobody expects their kid to have hallucinations,

but when they do end up having them,

there's nothing they can do.

They can't save them or wake them up,

they can't snap them out of it,

they can't say it'll all be okay,

because everything is a lie in side that kid's mind

and how the hell are we supposed to know if you're real?

[Erin]

Nothing Once More

I think I put my life on pause for you
always waiting for you to come back
but I'm now afraid you never will.
Not even just because you probably hate me now
but because from the moment I told you I loved you
you decided I wasn't worth knowing anymore.
Maybe it's because you found out I was gay
or maybe it's because you're afraid of love
or perhaps you just don't feel deserving of love.
Whatever you reason was, I'll never know.
What I do know is that I still love you-
what I feel wasn't a temporary illusion,
wasn't a minor crush,
wasn't something I could whisk away.
No, what I feel for you is once in a lifetime.
It is magic.
We were magic.

I'm sorry my confession wasn't concrete.
I'm sorry that I doubted my feelings for you
with the self hatred I feel for myself.
I thought I was incapable of feeling love
but I've learned I have a great capacity for it-
more than most.
That people who say you can't love others
until you learn to love yourself are liars.
That that theory is complete bullshit.
Because I fucking love you
but I can't help but hate myself.

I hate myself for telling you how I felt
and I hate myself for feeling so fucking broken
and I hate myself because after all this time
I am still writing poetry about you-
words you'll never read,
no matter how many times you promised me you'd be there.

I hate myself because I have nightmares that you killed yourself
and if you did I would never know.
We never met but you impacted my life
and then disappeared as if I was nothing,
so yes I hate myself more than anything-
even as I still love you.

I am nothing,
I am nothing,
I am nothing,
that's what you taught me-
the same lesson my abusive mother taught me,
the same thing it took you two years of convincing me I wasn't.
You disappeared and it broke me.
Why the hell does nobody understand that?
I am nothing but words behind a screen,
a voice that is screaming for you to come back
but knows there is a greater chance you never will.

I am broken
because that's all I know how to be.

I'm sorry.

I'm just Nothing once more.

[Erin]

The Girl in the Mirror

I want to fall in love with the girl in the mirror-
the one who when she looks at herself,
all she sees is a number on a scale.
Or the scars on her wrists and thighs.
The one who remembers what it was like to run,
the way she used it to escape thinking by giving herself pain.
The one who thinks all she deserves is pain.
The one who when she loves someone,
she loves them with everything to the point it terrifies her.

I want to fall in love with the girl in the mirror-
the one who refuses to wear makeup most days
because she hates the idea of someone thinking she's someone she's not.
I want to love the girl who reads too many books to count
and who sings like nobody is watching
and who dances in the rain
and who lays in the grass just because.
I want to love the girl
who wants to disappear from the world,
who thinks nobody would even notice if she didn't show up tomorrow.

I want to fall in love with the girl in the mirror-
the one who has been screaming for help since she was twelve years old,
the one who believes nobody can hear her,
the one who is frustrated with how there's too many kids without homes,
too many homeless people in the street.
The girl who dreams.
I want to fall in love with that girl.

I need that girl to love herself.
I need her to stop giving up so much of herself for everybody else.
I need to save her.
I need to save me.