RECKLESS WRITING

[Erin]

Ugh. I hate you. I hate how that's not even the slightest bit true. I still love you. Do I even know what love is?

[Erin]

Why is everything I write about you even when it's not supposed to be?

[Erin]

Forget it. I'm trying something out. A prompt.

[Erin]

You told me I should talk about my feelings. Then you ask me why I am feeling that way. I take a chance, thinking maybe just this once we'll have a conversation go right but no.

The second I tell you you're part of the reason I'm so stressed, you get angry and demand more answers. I shut down. I do not respond well to anger, or to yelling. Only you don't seem to notice.

No. No, you never did notice how your actions impacted other people. You never saw me covering my ears, crying on my bedroom floor, or putting a hand over my mouth because I knew if I was caught crying I'd be yelled at for it. You were not a comforting mother. You were emotionally abusive, and yet I'm still here after I've turned the age of 18 because I'm scared if I leave, you won't be able to take care of my brother and that is why I'm so stressed. I'm stressed because I don't think you know how to be a mother.

You've had 8 kids- one died, 2 were taken away from you, 1 you put up for adoption, another one you lost because you decided it was okay to change your Facebook status to "in a relationship" with your child's abuser, and the other one clings to you and you treat her like shit but she's used to it and she still clings to you anyway. You have two kids left, in your home, to change your ways before you end up all alone. And yet, we fight. I give you all of my money- money I should be saving so I can get away from you, and we fight because apparently, you're the only responsible one. I have panic attacks when I talk on the phone or when I meet new people, and yes I spend more than half my day pondering if I should kill myself, and I am still more responsible than you. Because just because I am struggling with my mental illness, it doesn't mean I'm going to stop living or start treating the people who care about me like crap. And I still wait for you to say I love you when you leave but you don't. I think maybe you forget sometimes, or maybe you don't forget, maybe you've just decided to stop lying to me.

[Erin]

I stopped being honest when they asked me if I was suicidal if I had any thoughts of hurting myself. I stopped being honest and I don't know when it started, but it was recent. I said I'd never lie to them about my mental health or how I am feeling, and then I promised you I wouldn't go back to the hospital and I think that's what changed things. That, and when mom told me I should stop talking about killing myself and just do it already. Or when you said so many people waste time talking about and being suicidal. And I know you weren't trying to hurt me or offend me but it did hurt. I don't wake up and choose to be suicidal. The thoughts just come and they pester me, and I try so hard to fight them. I try so hard and so for you to talk about it as if I chose to be suicidal as if I chose to be this fucked up- well that just really fucking sucks. But hey, I can stop talking about it. That's why I don't tell the doctors or my therapist or anybody. I still write about it, though, In letters like this to you or to mom or to somebody else.

[Erin]

here are the things you don't see
here are the things I don't say
here are the mistakes I've made
here's the price I've paid

you're gonna walk away from this
cross my name off of your list
I can see it now
you're gonna forget my name
you're gonna forget my face
another child has come and gone
needed you and then moved on

'cause that's how this works, right?
we're not supposed to need you forever
you're school-based
I'm 18
and lost
and I just need you to show up to our session
I don't ask you to pretend that you give a fuck
I don't ask anything of you
and when you apologize I'll say that it's fine
but it's not
I'm not
I just urgh

I give up

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "here are the things you don't see
here are the things I don't say
here are the mistakes I've made
here's the price I've paid

you're gonna walk away from this
cross my name off of your list
I can s..."

that got really bad at the end lmao

[Erin]

you don't say I love you
when you leave any more
you say you can't feel your beating heart
you say you know you love us
but you don't feel it
you're numb
and I know it
but I still blame myself
wondering if I did something to make you stop loving me

they say narcissists can't love
and I can't help but wonder if that's true
because if it is
then what was that back then

did I imagine it all
was it all in my head

because I love you
even after you told me I should kill myself
because I love you
even when you never said you didn't mean it
because I love you
even when you make me feel like crap

[Erin]

there's a reason half your kids wish they were dead
and you have to admit that you're a part of it
although you'll never acknowledge it out loud

you'll say we blame you for our problems
that we're the ones who don't love you
you'll say it's our fault we're unhappy
that we should just learn to fucking love ourselves
but hey you were our role model
so we wear our self-hatred
all wrapped around us
way too tight
just like we've seen you do

we know you're broken
we never forced you to acknowledge it
maybe we should have
but we were just kids
and besides, you would've just yelled at us to shut our fucking mouths

cause that's just who you are
and I'd listen
cause that's the way you've programmed me
I shut down when you want me to
and now I shut down
even when you tell me not to
I am broken
I am flawed
but at least I'm trying
why won't you just give it a shot

[Erin]

stuck in my head
all these memories
coming at me
all these quotes of things
that some people said
picture perfect
fucking worthless
keep your mouth shut
why aren't you loud enough
why don't you express yourself
are you a robot
shut down reboot you'll figure it out
you've been here before
you're perfect in the worst ways
you're just in the fucking way
why don't you just kill yourself already

I said it didn't matter
I said I felt nothing
I went to work
and I came back home
and I went to school
and I came back home
and I said it didn't hurt
I was fine
I didn't feel a thing
I was lying
I'm not you, mom
I'm not you.

It hurt
It fucked me up
you tell me stories of things you've been through
whenever I try talking about me
and I don't think you're listening
because I say I'm struggling and I need help
and you say darling don't we all

[Erin]

I'm drowning
I'm sinking
I don't know what love is

I now know I never should have said it
never should have meant it

I don't deserve it
I don't get it

I know I'm destined to be forever alone
and that's okay
because I'd rather be alone than have to pretend to be someone else

and you never asked that of me
but that doesn't matter
because I gave you what I had
was way too vulnerable for you to leave like that

and I still don't blame you
though it may seem otherwise
I blame myself
for being too reckless
for clinging onto somebody
because I am independent
I won't be my mother
I won't need anybody
I am fine
I'll be fine

[Erin]

random words
keep pouring out
don't know why I'm feeling this way
don't know what I'm doing now
don't know why I have so many doubts

[Erin]

I'm falling
tried to stop only to start again
I'm falling
when did I turn into such a tragedy
I'm falling
where are you right now

I never expected you to catch me
I never even asked you to save me
All I ever needed was a way to cope
Maybe I relied on you too much
Maybe you finally gave up

If you gave up, why should I keep going?
If you gave up, what's the point of my story?
I'm supposed to be in recovery
I think
but I feel like I'm alone
and I don't want to feel at home

so I push everybody who actually gives a damn away
telling them I'm waiting for you
my therapist who abandoned me
who makes appointments and then excuses
and I-
I-
don't thinking I can do this anymore

I never expected you to catch me
I never even asked you to save me
All I ever needed was a way to cope
Maybe I relied on you too much
Maybe you finally gave up

I mean, you should give up
I'm just another name on a stupid list
a face you'll soon forget
but I'm also just someone who need you for at least ten minutes
tell me I'll get through this
lie to me, tell me I'll be okay
tell me it was worth it

I don't feel worth it

I'm so tired

[Erin]

picked it up to put it down
can't erase their faces
I don't wanna live
but I can't let them see me die
so I keep pretending
that I know how to be fine

[Erin]

who am I when you're not here
who am I when you've disappeared
who am I when I'm alone
somebody else who calls you home

I thought I'd eventually forget
I thought I'd get over this
but not hearing from you didn't make this easy
every day I wonder and I think
I have to know if you're okay
and then I remember I never will
because there's no way to find a girl who doesn't want to be found

we're strangers
we always were
I guess we weren't friends
I guess it was all a gam of pretend
I guess none of it mattered to you
I guess I was way into my head
maybe you weren't even real
maybe I thought you up
I'll never know
I'll never know

so what
what do I do now
now that you're not here
now that you've disappeared
now that I'm all alone
what I do

tell me how to forget
tell me how to erase this
tell me how to make sense of this


I'm sorry I fucked up
I'm sorry I'm such a screwup
I'm sorry I loved you
I'm sorry you hate me-
do you hate me?
I hate me

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "who am I when you're not here
who am I when you've disappeared
who am I when I'm alone
somebody else who calls you home

I thought I'd eventually forget
I thought I'd get over this
but not hearing ..."

and I hate that

[Erin]

Heroes are often said to have sacrificed themselves for the greater good. This is not that. This is not some story of some great heroic act that saved the world. She didn’t save anyone. In fact, she left them all to die. She left me to die. This is that story.

I remember the begging. I held her hand tightly, not ready to face a future without her. “Don’t go. Please don’t go. Don’t leave me behind. There’s ought to be another way, a better way, one where you don’t have to exist inside that thing for eternity.” I was desperate, saying anything that I thought might convince her to stay.

“There isn’t.” Her voice was soft, her words were cold.

I remember my attempts at negotiating. “Then let me come with you. Let’s spend eternity together.”

“As romantic as that sounds, only one person can bear the curse. Which means only one person can enter.”

“What if there’s a way to split it, to absorb it? Isn’t that worth investigating?”

“Not if it means delaying this any further. We’re done here.”

I remember the final hug, me clinging onto her, not willing to let her go. She yelled at our comrades to take me. I remember wondering why they were supporting her on this, why nobody listened to me, and the possibility that there could be other possibilities.

I remember my comrades holding me back and dragging me away from the very thing that was about to take her soul, her life, her very existence from the world. They pushed me to the ground. I lifted my head up, and saw her running, running toward her death. She didn’t look back.

I remember them letting go of me, thinking I was fine, thinking my resistance would be over. I remember getting up. I remember running toward the portal. I remember the people who were supposed to be my comrades grasping their nails into my skin, pulling my hair, doing anything to keep me here. I remember the rage. I remember the surge of power that went throughout my body. I remember the screams of thousands of soldiers, facing the portal in case things went wrong, ready for anything. Or almost anything. They weren’t ready for me.

I killed them all.

I made my way toward the portal, but I didn’t have to go very far. The portal came to me. I held up my hand, directing my rage at the portal. Why didn’t it close when she went through? Was her sacrifice for nothing? All these questions burned through my mind, and suddenly the portal was no more. In a blink of an eye, I had burned everything, everyone for miles.

[Erin]

she's slipping up
she's hurting again
she tries to hide it
but there's a voice inside her head saying

be the happy girl they think you are
the girl in the box they told you to be
be the one who always smiles
always polite
is always fine

don't let them see
don't let them know
who you really are inside
they don't wanna know
they don't wanna see
don't show them

[Erin]

I gave away everything I had to you-
my thoughts, my words, my hopes, my dreams,
my love, my heart, my soul, my brain
I gave it all to you,
gave everything to you, for you

I became obsessed
I needed you
Maybe that's why you left
You didn't like being needed
You didn't want to be wanted
You didn't

pfft idk

[Erin]

It's not all about you
That's what I want to say
That's what I've always wanted to say
but I never could

being your daughter is hard
you don't hear anything I'm saying
everything comes back to you

is there anything left of me
after loving a narcissist like you
I said, is there anything left of me
after loving you, after giving everything up for you
I could've gotten out
but I stuck around for you, for you, for you

tell me, do you even love me
or is this just a game to you

[Erin]

Erin wrote: "It's not all about you
That's what I want to say
That's what I've always wanted to say
but I never could

being your daughter is hard
you don't hear anything I'm saying
everything comes back to you..."

really rough draft, I'll come back to it

[Erin]

you were there
and you were scared
and yet you still raised us
the best you knew how

you´re the one I lean on
even when I know I shouldn't
I expect you to be there\
and to love me
and I work so hard for your approval

you say I don´t have to try so hard
you say I donŕt have to be this way
but

[Erin]

you were there
you were scared
yet you still raised us
the best you knew how
you were all alone
but you tried to pretend you weren't

maybe that's why I grew up to fast
to be an ear you could have
to hear too much for a kid my age
maybe that's why I hold your hand
and why I hug you despite not liking being hugged
maybe all I am
is your supporting character
the one who listens
the one who guides you
the one who loves you
when you don't deserve to be loved

[Erin]

tell me, what's left of me after loving a narcissist
how much of me is me
and how much of me is you

[Erin]

tell me what it means to need help
remind me each week
tell me when enough is enough
remind me I'm not weak
tell me when to stop pretending
remind me to wake up

[Erin]

my writing is all over the place

[Erin]

I wish somebody would hold me
without touching me
and I wish that was possible at all
because I feel trapped when I'm touched
suffocating under someone's love
but I'm drowning and I wish somebody could help me up

[Erin]

she blames me the way I blame her
a neverending cycle of hatred and love
and I was so scared of leaving
in fear she'd fuck up my little brother
but he's stronger than me
He won't let her break him.








I hope.

[Erin]

There's these voices in my head-
different versions of myself,
one angry, one scared,
one dying, one fighting
and they'd all love to take over
and I'm scared that they will.

[Erin]

don't come in
don't look through the windows
we only talk behind closed doors
so don't look in
don't question what you see
don't dive in any further
and if you hear the shouting
pretend you don't
we're broken but we don't like it
when you notice

I'm fucked up
I'm fucked up
and I know it
I messed it up
I became the broken sheep
nothing makes sense
and yet I feel at peace

we weren't supposed to talk about it
but I talked about it
I became the broken one
the only one who needed saving
how do I go back
to being invisible

[Erin]

I defend you
even though you broke me
you're a master manipulator
you know how to keep us quiet
you know how to fill us with self-hatred

[Erin]

you make me feel guilty for finally being able to admit that you hurt me really bad and it took me a long time to gather the courage to admit that. you're never going to understand that a part of me will always fear you, that I never know if I'm saying something that'll make you snap my throat or scream at me. you're never going to understand what it's like to walk on eggshells around someone who's supposed to love you. you don't know if it's true or if they're even capable of loving you at all.

[Erin]

Once upon a time a young girl held too much power. An organization caught wind of it and decided to keep her power to themselves. They were greedy and cruel. They wanted nothing of the girl except her power and were determined to force her to use it, no matter how hard she tried to refuse. This is not her story. This is not my story. It’s all of ours. If you find yourself showing abilities nobody else has, hide yourself. Don’t let them get you too.

It all started with the discovery of the future. When one woman was able to tell it, everybody was on the search for her. She then decided to go into hiding, or so everyone thought. In reality, she was betrayed by a friend and captured by an organization who was ready to wipe out their enemies by forcing the woman to use her powers. The woman fought hard to stop them, but it was no use. Her efforts were left useless as they figured out a way to control her. She became their weapon, and because of her powers, countless people died. In these files, you’ll learn the truth about what happens to the magically inclined when they don’t stay in the shadows.

The following document is a series of profiles and stories we were able to find through the aftermath of the war. People died to expose this organization for what it is and we won’t let their efforts be in vain. To whomever it may concern, welcome to the magical profiles. It is not for the faint of heart. Tread carefully.

[Erin]

Once second we're flying
the next we're falling
I've watched you cry
I've seen you die
I watched as you repeated mistakes
and blamed us for them

I've seen you scream
I've seen you shout
I've watched you bleed
I've seen your heart run out


^idk what this is lmao

[Erin]

tear me a part
ask me all these stupid questions
tell me you love me
then change your mind
it's okay I understand
you break hearts to hide from the pain
it's okay break me again
I'm used to it
I'm used to this

[Erin]

tell me it isn't true
tell me I've been lied to
tell me this isn't real
come on tell me

tell me you're not going back to him
tell me you're not wasting your breath
tell me you don't love him anymore


mehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Erin]

I tried so hard to forget
tried so hard to believe you
when you said he wouldn't be around again
tried so hard to fight your battles
tried so hard to make things right
but in the end
nothing I did was ever good enough

I wanted you to stay
I wanted you to say everything's going to be okay
I wanted you to know
that your worth more than the men you claim to love
I needed you to know
that I'm still on your side
rooting for you
despite losing you

I tried so hard to be fine
tried so hard to be the one to pick you up
when the world came crashing down
because I
I love you still
despite how much you've hurt me
despite how you broke me
I tried to be there for you

but you didn't care
you disappeared
and someone I don't recognize is there
so come back to me
prove me wrong
tell me you still love me
tell me I'm still your child

don't choose him over me
please don't choose him again
I'm falling and breaking
and you seem completely okay
but you'll break again
and this time I won't be there to save you

[[deleted user]]

wow, so cool. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFqOu...

[Erin]

MelonPie ❤︎ wrote: "wow, so cool. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gFqOu..."

thanks! and interesting video!

[Erin]

Could be triggering, self harm and suicidal ideation
(view spoiler)[ I tried to kill myself last week
was so tired of trying
that all I could think about was dying
They said I had a seizure
but I don't remember it
I freaked out my brother
and even my mother
and that's the only reason I regret it
I said I was living for them
but I guess I gave that up
cause I was too tired to go on
and too angry to think I belonged
and I was too sad to believe
that maybe the world was better with me in it
and I had tried for too long
to pretend I was strong
but I'm not
No, I'm not
The truth is I'm falling apart
and I can't stop
I keep on crashing
and making the same old mistakes
relapsing over and over again

Yeah I tried to kill myself last week
went straight to the hospital
was staring out the back of an ambulance
They said not to fall asleep
but I was so tired
so I kept staring and staring
praying for the first time in a long time
that I was really going to die this time
Do you know what it's like
wishing for death
knowing there are people waiting on you
waiting for you to come home
when you don't want to go home?

I didn't want to come home.
I spent a week in the hospital
and not once did I want to come home.
I'd imagine cutting myself
as I scratched and scratched at my skin.
I was ready to die.
I was ready for my life to be over.
And yet here I am,
still alive.
I don't understand why.

I forgot about college,
forgot about my dreams,
forgot about my friends,
forgot about my unfinished stories,
the books I've yet to read,
the songs I've yet to hear.
I forgot that there will always be
another reason to live.

But the sad truth is
I still want to die
because I'm broken
and I'm sick
and I still believe I'm beyond help
and that is not something I can easily change.
People give me advice
and they tell me to live
and they say that they're here
but when my thoughts get to be too strong
I am always alone
and I am always one step closer to not waking up.

I'm just so done with myself.
I just turned nineteen and I've tried to kill
myself more times than I've celebrated my life.
I don't want to celebrate myself anymore.
I dread my birthday
and the year that follows it.
I'm so tired of existing
but nobody will let me die.
I am miserable and nobody understands.

You're Not the one seeing things and hearing things that aren't there. You're Not the one who forgets how to breathe. You're not the one with an asshole for a father and a mother who makes you feel guilty for being alive. You're not the one who can't handle loud noises. You're not the one who can't handle when people touch her suddenly. You're not the one who can't stand being around her family but spends money so they show up for her birthday. You're not the one who acts like me like I'm this selfish bitch who only thinks about herself and what I want. And what I want is to die, no matter how many people it might hurt. All I've ever wanted was to be able to let go and die. (hide spoiler)]

[Erin]

do you ever think about the way things used to be
back when you didn't know
that I'm so fucking crazy
back before I knew the voices weren't my friends
back before I knew how much I'd want it to end

[Erin]

am I just a dead girl walking
voices in her head
plans left undone
am I just a ghost
am I even here
tell me, can you see me

[Erin]

I can't write a full thing write now so here's shorts lol

[Erin]

I know I screwed with your head
fucked up one too many times
just because I thought I was better off dead
I traumatized you
I fucking broke you
cuz I didn't want to be the only one

is that what you think
is that what you believe
because I'd do anything to go back
to when I just wanted to run away from home

[Erin]

I wish I ran away when I was little
so that I grew up without your voice inside my head
telling me to kill myself
I wish I fucking left
before things got so bad

[Erin]

They say hate's a strong word
but that's how I feel for him
He hurt my sister
and he screwed up my family
and I can't forgive him
cuz there's no fixing it

[Erin]

I just want to cry
all of the damn time
cuz I wish I was dead
but I still want to live

[Erin]

ghosts
you see ghosts
and I hear voices
you feel things
and I make them disappear
weren't we so good back then

[Erin]

I tried to save you
but it only made things worse
I tried to fix you
but it only made it hurt
and you didn’t care about me
cuz you left so easily
but I’m over it
and I’m over you

cuz now I’m crazy
but I can’t tell you why
cuz I’m still losing my mind
and I’m erasing everything
and leaving it all behind

and I tried to be someone else
and I tried to change your mind
but there’s no going back
or reading between the lines
cuz you really fucked up this time
and I really fucked up this time

you broke me
over and over again
you broke me
and took control of a girl I can no longer recognize
and you broke her
and stole everything she had
and you didn’t give a damn
No, you never gave a damn

and I’m crazy
but I still can’t tell you why
cuz I’m losing my mind
and I’m erasing everything
and leaving it all behind

I’m erasing you
and our stupid mistakes
and the fact that I ever called you a friend
when you so easily erased me from your mind

and sometimes
I still black out
and you take over
and rearrange the things in our head
and you take control
and leave me to deal with the mess
this stupid mess

but I’m still the crazy one
and I still don’t know
why I’m losing my mind
but I’m erasing everything
and leaving it all behind
leaving you behind

cuz I’m over it
and I’m over you
and I tried to be someone else
and I tried to change your mind
but there’s no going back
or reading between the lines
cuz you really fucked up this time
and I really fucked up this time
Yeah, we really fucked up this time

[Erin]

when you broke me

When you broke me the first time,
I told you I loved you
as if somehow I could lessen the blow
as if somehow I could pretend my love made your words not sting.

When you broke me the first time,
I was on my hands and knees
praying to a god I didn't believe in
because if they could forgive me,
if you could forgive me,
maybe I could forgive me too.

When you broke me the first time,
I told my siblings I was okay,
even as I felt the anxiety taking over,
even as I felt my body trembling,
even as I fell to the floor,
forgetting how to stand
when all you did was tear me a part.

When you broke me the first time,
I forgot who I was,
tried to forget who you were,
tried to drown a bottle of prescription pills
in hopes you'd finally be happy.

But when you broke me this time,
I stared at the scissors
that I once would've used without a second thought
and I became stronger.

When you broke me this time,
I stared at the pills and locked the box back up
and moved it out of site
so that I would be safe from myself,
from the words you told me when I was just seventeen years old.

When you broke me this time
and the nightmares started
and the flashbacks started occurring daily,
I choose to fight back
and not let them convince me I wasn't good enough.

When you tried to break me this time,
I let you
because I always let you
but I didn't let you get far enough to pull the trigger
to convince me to swallow the pills
or cut my skin
or run until my feet bled.

When you tried to break me this time,
I survived you.
I survived your words
and your toxicity
and the way you tried to shove your hands around my throat.

I survived you,
and for once I felt proud of myself.

I'm still learning how to forgive myself for loving a narcissist
for loving someone who destroys you
for saving someone who rips you to shreds
for giving so much to someone who only knows how to take.

But I survived you back then despite you trying to shatter me
and I will survive you now,
and no matter what tricks my trauma tries to play,
I will continue to survive you.