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Archived Workshop No New Posts > Feedback on Self Published Epic Sci-fi Fantasy, Description "Please"

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message 1: by Reno (new)

Reno Bastian (Calapsic) | 6 comments This is From a three book series I am writing. It's a very long adventure for a pantheon, and Existence. It's an attempt at delivering a sensation with the story. I wanted to to have the reader as the main, character. I have only finalized the first 50k, on the second 50k now. I wanted some feed back on how it sounded. I am still getting use to good Reads so i could be doing this wrong but, here goes.

In a time when no Humans are allowed to inhabit a planet and by law must be eradicated.
You find yourself returning to your home as a God, where there is no reality! Consciousness is the state given to the astral being of one's existence. If reality is only what you consciously perceived by sight, and perception is a thought! There is no reason a sun shouldn't fit in your hand!
It begins instantly in a time when nothing or no one was alien. The universe had rulers and the Gods knew their names. When beings battled with the titles of Gods, and brought shame to such a name. Universal backlash, finds those whose names once brought fear to all! The greatest beings to ever be known to existence, The humans, The Conquerors of Existence!
They are now prizes and trophies to be captured and hunted down among the stars and displayed before the Universal hand, by any species, fleet, union or world. The captor rewarded, and the human relieved of existence. An ancient creation of man, has its own story to tell, in the name of your freedom.
You must suffer the weight of judgement, while maintaining the perfection you left helpless to the laws of existence. All while allowing what must be, to be.
All in the name of the Maker.

Again, as I say the book was written for the reader to be the main character, I know, sounds impossible.


message 2: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments If I was doing it I'd drop the first two paragraphs. Then maybe do something like:-

The beginning. A time when nothing and no one was alien. In those times the universe had rulers and the gods knew their names. But, battle-hungry beings brought shame to the word god, and the Universal Backlash found those who knew no masters before that day.

It found humans, once the conquerors of all, and made them trophies to be hunted down among the stars. Whoever captures a human receives a great reward, while the human is deprived of the burden of existing.

This is the world into which you come, naked and afraid, to suffer the weight of judgement and maintain the rule of right. You, my friend, must allow the universe to have its way with your frail body.

All in the name of the Maker.


message 3: by Reno (new)

Reno Bastian (Calapsic) | 6 comments Jane wrote: "If I was doing it I'd drop the first two paragraphs. Then maybe do something like:-

The beginning. A time when nothing and no one was alien. In those times the universe had rulers and the gods kne..."
I am beyond thankful! For your time and also, your advice. It flowed lovely. I have considered it, and will act on it. Thank you again.


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