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Archived Workshop No New Posts > Take a look, please, on the description of my book.

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message 1: by Maria (new)

Maria Evan English is not the native language for me. Please, could you see the description of my book. Perhaps it is poorly written. Perhaps this description is not very interesting.
The book was translated by the professional translator, but the description I did by myself.
Thank you in advance!

"This is a story about time travel for children from 6 to 12 years old, but their parents might find it interesting as well.
You will join the adventures of a boy named Christopher, a girl named Sophia and their friend Duke, a very friendly retriever dog. By chance, they find themselves in an air balloon that flies them to Fairyland where mysterious events happen. On their journey the children meet good and evil scientists, as well as a gnome with a dubious reputation. Finally Christopher and Sophia want to find their way home, but first they would have to solve a lot of mysteries.
This is a story about the different ways of measuring time and about a true friendship. Reading this book your children will learn that they should look after their friends. There are also many amusing facts about the creatures that never get old. And a helpful advice on how to make different clocks: not merely mechanical, but also sundials, water clocks, hourglasses, aromatic clocks etc..."


message 2: by Dwayne, Head of Lettuce (new)

Dwayne Fry | 4333 comments Mod
Wordy. It could use some heavy tuning up.

A suggestion: Join the time travel adventures of Christopher, Sophia and their retriever, Duke, as they find themselves in an air balloon that flies them to Fairyland. They meet good and evil scientists, as well as a dubious gnome. Through this book you will learn about measuring time, creatures and about friendship. You will also learn how to make your own clocks!


Roughseasinthemed | 60 comments Dwayne's is good. Go with that.


message 4: by Jane (new)

Jane Jago | 888 comments I think Dwayne has it. No further fine tuning needed.


message 5: by Lauryn (new)

Lauryn April (laurynapril) | 10 comments I agree with the other comments. Maria, your version is perfectly legible, but Dwayne's is smoother and has a better flow. I also like that his is shorter. I think sometimes the best blurbs are the ones that keep things brief.


message 6: by [deleted user] (new)

Maria wrote: "English is not the native language for me. Please, could you see the description of my book. Perhaps it is poorly written. Perhaps this description is not very interesting.
The book was translated..."


Dwayne's is good, but all I can say is leave the ""This is a story about time travel for children from 6 to 12 years old, but their parents might find it interesting as well." part out of the description. Other than that you are fine Maria.


message 7: by Sheen (new)

Sheen Reyes (sheenfrancisreyes) | 4 comments Dwayne's sweet. But if you just want to tighten yours...

"This is a children's story about time travel. You will join the adventures of a boy named Christopher, a girl named Sophia and their friend Duke, a very friendly retriever dog. By chance, they find themselves in an air balloon that flies them to Fairyland where mysterious events happen. On their journey, the children will meet good and evil scientists, as well as a dubious gnome. To find their way home, they have to solve a lot of mysteries.

This story shares the different ways of measuring time, offers many amusing facts about the creatures that never get old, and provides helpful advice on how to make different types of clocks - from sundials to mechanical clocks. Above all, this story is about a true friendship."


message 8: by Maria (new)

Maria Evan Dwayne wrote: "Wordy. It could use some heavy tuning up.

A suggestion: Join the time travel adventures of Christopher, Sophia and their retriever, Duke, as they find themselves in an air balloon that flies them ..."


Thank you very much, Dwayne! You really helped me!

Roughseasinthemed, V.M. Sawh, Lauryn, Trelas, Sheen, thank you very much for the advices. I edited the description of the book!
I love this community and this group. I learned so much just by reading the forum. Thank you!


message 9: by Reno (new)

Reno Bastian (Calapsic) | 6 comments Maria wrote: "English is not the native language for me. Please, could you see the description of my book. Perhaps it is poorly written. Perhaps this description is not very interesting.
The book was translated..."
It's nice.


message 10: by David (new)

David Just one suggestion: 'hot air balloon' is more evocative, and sounds more natural to the native English speaker, than 'air balloon'.


message 11: by Maria (new)

Maria Evan David wrote: "Just one suggestion: 'hot air balloon' is more evocative, and sounds more natural to the native English speaker, than 'air balloon'."

Thank you, David!


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