Revised query for YA

[Keith]

I feel this is better from what I remember last time (it might have been better to add to that thread rather than start a new one, for that continuity), but it still feels wordy to me. And 'unimaginable' just doesn't sound very strong.

[Jessica]

I also think this is better than last time! But the second paragraph feels off--why is the government after her father and brother, and not her? The last paragraph is also off. It's supposed to be the most exciting part of the query, but it falls flat. This is much better, but I think you need to up the excitement of the actual words/sentence structure...but the stakes are definitely there!

Don't give up! I know query writing sucks :(

[Cimone]

I agree with Keith and Jessica. The second paragraph is in past tense; is this describing events that took place before the start of the novel? If so, I think it should be shorter. If it's during the novel, I think you should put it in present tense.