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Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Help With a Query | Fantasy/Horror
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REVISION (I decided to try a different approach after reading blurbs from books that I like):Seventeen-year-old Sasame Kai's city isn't as amazing as people pretend it is. A giant wall protects the city from the flesh-hungry mutants living on the other side. Sasame wanted to save her city, and a secret organization gave her that chance. The catch is she has to hunt down people that have immunity against the mutation virus so their blood can be used for a stronger antidote.
Things were going fine until Konan entered her life. Her agency has strict rules against personal relationships, but there's something about Konan keeps her wanting to know more. She thought being eaten alive was the worst thing to look forward to. But that's nothing compared to dealing with a persistent boy while avoiding the spotlight of her agency. Insubordination equals death.
Her agency won't let her just walk away easily. Can Sasame help save her city while keeping Konan alive, or will she be forced to choose? Her loyalty will be put to the test in more ways than she's prepared to handle.
I've been told you need to repeat the protagonist's name frequently, at least every paragraph. There's probably little value in giving her last name. I'm not sure that you have the stakes plain enough. "Hunt down for blood" could easily sound like donating a few pints, which is the opposite of what I believe is the case. Maybe 'their bodies drained of blood' to try and make it clear that she's basically responsible for innocent people dying.For the last paragraph, I suggest simply 'Her agency won't let her walk away." No need to soften it. Based on the rest of the thread, I think this is the best one yet, though I do feel it needs a little more 'punching up' as it lacks some energy. I feel I know the story and the stakes, so I think you're on the right track, but different adjectives, perhaps rearrange some sentences, and I think it can be more energetic while keeping the structure you have now.
Keith wrote: "I've been told you need to repeat the protagonist's name frequently, at least every paragraph. There's probably little value in giving her last name. I'm not sure that you have the stakes plain eno..."Thanks for the advice, I'll add her name a few more times (where it fits of course) and try make the last paragraph hit harder.
Okay, I think I got this thing down (hopefully).Seventeen-year-old Sasame became an orphan when both parents were killed during a failed military operation against the flesh-eating mutants that threaten Caara Island. She was left to fend for herself, molding her into a cold, angry teen. Her hatred for the mutants grows daily. She refuses to sit and do nothing. She wants to save her city so she joins a magic and fighting academy to learn how to fight.
Her skills and determination catch the eye of a secret agency known as The Organization. They send her on a mission to hunt students at the academy whose blood is the key to making the antidote against the mutant virus. Sasame can't afford to be emotional about her victims.
But as she learns more about the students’ personalities, she begins to care for them. Now she's torn between saving her new friends and following orders. Her handlers are not happy. The Organization has strict rules against relationships. Insubordination equals death.
Sasame attempts to keep her new friends out of the spotlight of her agency. When questioned about them, she acts as if they are not important to her. She allows her emotions to interfere with her missions. She regrets hunting the teens she has come to care for and questions why her agency must murder innocent people for an antidote. The Organization answers by threatening her life, but her pride keeps her from backing down. If she goes against her orders, she will be forced to kill her new friends to prove her loyalty to her cruel employer and risk becoming the next target herself.
Sorry to say, but I think you're moving backwards. To a certain extent this reads more like a synopsis than a blurb. Too much history, though the stakes are a little better represented. We've completely lost that there are many POVs (unless you are editing them out). Looking back over the thread, I think you should focus on your comment here:https://www.goodreads.com/topic/show/...
List a series of bullet points, no more than a half dozen, that represent the biggest issues in your story. Then expand each with a sentence (two at the most) and you should have your raw material. This is a stab based on rereading this thread:
Seventeen-year-old Sasame is an assassin for The Organization.
The Organization works to develop immunity from the flesh-eating monsters outside the city walls.
Sasame must suppress her humanity in order to befriend, then betray, her fellows.
Sasame begins to feel an emotional connection to her victims.
The Organization will not tolerate anything less than complete obedience.
Sasame must chose: her humanity or The Organization.
I completely rewrote my query and included two more characters (not the full six). So now I have three in my query.-----
Seventeen-year-old Sasame hates the mutated undead more than she hates doing petty missions for her agency. Those flesh-eating bastards took her parents and left her with no one. She could've joined the military-style group that protects her city, but she wanted a more hands-on approach. An agency, known only as The Organization, employs her to hunt down those immune to the mutant virus. Sasame agrees knowing the immunity carriers' blood is the key to the antidote. She's trained to ignore her emotions to carry out her missions quickly. What she didn't expect is befriending her targets.
Seventeen-year-old Nevin lived his life under his parents' shadow—until they died. Now he spends his time trying to prove he's more than the idiot rich kid with no goals. Nevin has two goals, actually: Become a hero and marry his sweetheart. When the annual mutant sweep is announced, Nevin is the first in line to sign up only to be knocked back down. He has twenty-four hours to prove he's capable of protecting his city and his friends.
Seventeen-year-old Fang is an Okamikiin, a wolf-human hybrid that only cares about his friend Nevin and his crush. Fang's doesn't care about the mutants trying to break into the city. At least not until one of those mutants attacks his crush and he has minutes to rush her to get help before the virus sets in. He signs up for the military group with Nevin and finds himself in the middle of a battlefield. Now he once again has to safe his crush's life by sacrificing his own.
IMMUNITY is a YA Dark Fantasy novel complete at 80,000 words told from the points of view of six characters. A standalone novel with series potential, IMMUNITY focuses on a group of teenagers doing whatever it takes to not only save a city but survive in an apocalyptic world.
Well, you might get dinged for being 'too long' but I think it does an admirable job of introducing the characters and setting their stakes and obstacles. I do have some suggestions...I suggest deleting "An agency, known only as".
I think you need a few words to make it clear that Sasame's job leads to people dying. I think making that clear heightens the suspense.
"Nevin has two goals, actually:" might read better as "Now he has two:"
I think this:
"Now he once again has to safe his crush's life by sacrificing his own."
be changed to this:
"Now he once again has to safe his crush's life by risking his own."
'Sacrifice' implies a spoiler and you don't want to spoil in the blurb (save that for the synopsis).
You might want to leave off 'seventeen-year-old' since it is so repetitive. You could describe your book as YA/NA, which would hint to the age. In any case, I don't think any agent will make a decision on whether to request the MS based on the age of the characters.
In your case, I believe you are better served by having the 'too long' blurb, so I urge you to resist anyone who reflexively tells you to go with the 'standard' of 100-150 words.
Great job!
Thank you, Keith. I'll revise it a bit more to give more clues to what Sasame is actually doing
I edited it a bit to remove some errors------
Sasame hates the mutated undead more than she hates doing petty missions for her agency. Those flesh-eating bastards took her parents and left her with no one. She could've joined the military-style group that protects her city, but she wanted a more hands-on approach. An agency employs her to kidnap those immune to the mutant virus. Sasame agrees, despite knowing the agency kills drains victim brought to them. The immunity carriers' blood is the key to the antidote. She only cares about helping to save the city and avenging her parents. What she didn't expect is befriending her targets.
Nevin lived his life under his parents' shadow—until they died. Now he spends his time trying to prove he's more than the idiot rich kid with no goals. He has two: Become a hero and marry his sweetheart. When the annual mutant sweep is announced, Nevin is the first in line to sign up only to be knocked back down. He has twenty-four hours to prove he's capable of protecting his city and his friends.
Fang is an Okamikiin, a wolf-human hybrid that only cares about his friend, Nevin, and his crush. Fang's doesn't care about the mutants trying to break into the city. At least not until one of those mutants attacks his crush and he has minutes to rush her to get help before the virus sets in. He signs up for the military group with Nevin and finds himself in the middle of a battlefield. Now he has to save his crush's life by risking his own.
"agency kills drains victim brought to them"?In my opinion (for the little it's worth), I think it's fine. I think you need a grammar/spell checker (person) to go over it. I am far from an expert at that, so don't rely on me to catch everything.
Good luck with your querying!
Hey! Sorry to drop in on you, but I noticed something: You have mentioned a military group and an agency without giving them a name.
In my opinion, those sorts of names aren't that helpful in a query and are likely to be marginal in a synopsis as well. The name may factor large in the novel, but isn't conveying any useful (i.e., decision making) information in the blurb.
I just read through this whole thread for the first time and I just want to say good luck! With all the thought and effort you're putting into it, you'll get it down.
Ime wrote: "I just read through this whole thread for the first time and I just want to say good luck! With all the thought and effort you're putting into it, you'll get it down."Thank you :)
I hit SEND right at 4pm EST so we'll see come January 31st. I think they're picking 16 out of 200. Odds aren't that great but at least I pulled the trigger. Plus I got some new followers on twitter