Help with YA Fantasy Query

[Kayla]

Hello all, I am hoping to get some feedback on my query letter for my YA fantasy novel.

Havenforth is changing. The sorcerers have left the High Magic Council, the royal family has been slaughtered, and families find themselves torn apart as the demons and fairies descend into war. In the human world, however, Cassie Keller knows nothing of fairies and demons, but she does know change. With fourteen moves in fifteen years, Cassie’s life is one perpetual disruption, but when an accident puts her in the hands of the Fairy Trafficking Prevention Board, Cassie finally learns why.

She is a foundling, a child smuggled from Havenforth to the human world and sold to exiled demons hoping to build a family. Most fairies are killed when their demon caretakers learn of their race, but not Cassie. Instead, the Kellers insist on protecting her. Even as they are arrested for her abduction, the Kellers do everything in their power to ensure Cassie has the chance to experience Havenforth as a fairy instead of having her powers sealed.

A “good understanding of magic” family will fund her education, but their charity has its limits. If her true parents are not found within the year, Cassie will have to display exceptional accomplishments for their continued patronage or have her powers sealed forever. The terms seem reasonable until Cassie discovers that she is abysmal at magic, even worse at manners, and her Recovery Agent has clearly forgotten about her. And then the Demon Regency Coalition begins destroying villages deep in the heart of Havenforth. Anyone with demon connections becomes a suspect and any demon prisoners, the Kellers included, find themselves suddenly facing execution.

THE FOUNDLING is a 105,000 word young adult fantasy novel designed to be the first in a series. I chose to query you due to your work with Victoria Aveyard on Red Queen and Elly Blake on Frost Blood. Like these works, THE FOUNDLING centers on a young female protagonist as her magical gift sweeps her into a politically tumultuous world, and places her at odds with the only life she has ever known. It also takes advantage of the complex lens through which millennials view their world, addressing intimate issues of family, friendship, and finding one’s place, whilst also taking on the greater conflicts of social justice. Due to these similarities, I believe fans of both Aveyard and Blake would enjoy reading THE FOUNDLING.

I am 27 and hold a Bachelor of Arts in Political Science as well as a Master of International Affairs, and am currently employed with the City of Royal Oak, MI. This is my first attempt to seek representation for my writing, and I look forward to hearing from you with any questions or requests you may have.

[Keith]

First, and likely most painful: it's too long, particularly the blurb. Lots of stuff here on blurbs, you should read them. The rule of thumb is 100-150 words.

Based on my reading, you just want to hint that there is series potential. You want to ensure that your first book can be standalone. If the agent/publisher knows they must buy a series when they are first approached then your work has to be pristine to get their attention. Besides, if your first book doesn't sell, there won't be a second, so best to try and find a way to have a satisfying conclusion to what readers you do get. Presuming you sell any at all, you can offer the sequels on your web site electronically.

I think you are good to show comparisons with existing works, but I don't think you need to explain that connection as it should be evident in your blurb. The last sentence in that paragraph is redundant.

I think you can cut the entire last paragraph except for "I look forward to hearing from you."

These things suck! Welcome to the pain!

[Cimone]

I agree with Keith about tightening paragraph 4. It's good to have comparison titles, but no need to describe the similarities in detail. I think you can just mention the other books briefly. If you do want to talk about the themes in the book, that's the right paragraph to do it (I think...), but separate it from the comp titles.

I'd say that the plot can be described in two paragraphs rather than three, so see if you can make it more concise and clear.

To me, the last paragraph is okay, because some agents ask you to describe youself.