Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Desperately Seeking Help on my Query!
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Hi Natasha,Thank you so much. You are exactly right with both of your comments and suggestions! The issue with this query has consistently been making all the pieces flow in a way that makes sense without writing a book:) I inevitably leave important pieces out.
Thanks again!
How about this?Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away.
But Alex’s power causes Zoe skull-crushing pain.
Alex discovers her ability is the result of the Gemini Curse—and one twin causing the other pain isn’t its endgame. The Curse demands one twin be sacrificed—or both will die—if they desire the same person. For Alex and Zoe, that person is nationally-ranked junior cyclo-cross racer, Lucas Baylor. Although Lucas likes Alex, she vows to stay away from him. Anything to protect Zoe from the Curse.
But avoiding Lucas isn’t enough to keep her sister safe.
When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she fears someone is hunting twins born into the Curse. And she suspects it’s the Gemini Killer—a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown. Only Alex, through her ability, knows he’s coming for either Zoe or her next.
Stopping the Killer won’t be enough. To save each other, Alex and Zoe must break the Curse.
Another great suggestion. There is definitely that aspect to the book. I'll have to think on how to add that into the query without adding too many more words and complications ... Thanks so much for you comments. Super helpful!!!
So I had an agent comment on the query above, which means back to the drawing board. Here is what she said:"
THE GEMINI CURSE has a lot of conflict in it: a curse, superpowers, a love triangle, and a serial killer. All this plot splits your book into two: a story about a Curse that threatens the lives of two sisters, and a story about a serial killer who threatens the lives of two sisters whose lives are already threatened by a curse. (See what I mean?) Right away I advise you to streamline and see where you can make your story as clean and straightforward to pitch as you can."
With this in mind: Below is yet another version. Thoughts?
Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson is a mess. Her black-painted nails are chipped. She can’t race her bike without wanting to puke. And she reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away. But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat.
When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she suspects it belongs to the Gemini Killer—a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown.
As Alex searches for a way to control the voices in her head and stop her sister’s pain, she discovers she and Zoe are not the only twins with this “problem.” And the Killer knows it. He hunts inflicted twins and saves one from a lifetime of pain by killing the other—which means to save her sister and herself, Alex must not only find a way to control her ability, she must outsmart a killer.
I find this version a whole lot easier to make sense of. I didn't comment earlier because I was so confused I couldn't make sense of what you were trying to convey.It seems very positive that you've had personalized feedback from the agent. Did the agent ask you to respond with an updated query?
BTW, this:
she discovers she and Zoe are not the only twins with this “problem.”
Seems rather redundant since you just told us "He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown. "
Good luck!
Sigh, yes, the query is killing me. And no, I paid for an agent to critique it. Although she did ask I send it back once I nailed down the query. So that's good. Thanks for the comment. You're right about the redundancy. Thanks!
I'm curious. If you don't mind, could you tell me (PM if you'd rather) how much and who you used? I decided to wait for my editor's changes before I post my query here for everyone to critique. Given the glacial pace of that process, it will probably be May before I'm ready to query again.
I've done several actually, which is why I know my query is not working. I've done them through Writer's Digest and through manuscriptacademy.com. Prices vary.
Is seems like your opening is spending too much time on character intro. Your hook is buried in the last two paragraphs. But right now I don't see it at all in the first. I would start with your conflict right off the bat. Right now the first paragraph is all setup and character intro.
Hi leland,Yes, a lot of agents have said to tell who the characters are then get to the plot. So that's what I'm trying to do.
While I won't say disregard completely, a whole paragraph on just characters just seems like too much. It's just that there's really no hook there at the moment. Most queries I see don't do spend that much time on characters.Normally it's just sentence or two(short ones) on who the character is.
A logline with your hook at the beginning just might help.
Point taken:)Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away. But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat. As Alex searches for a way to control the voices in her head and stop her sister’s pain, she discovers other twins who have suffered from this very curse—and one twin always mysteriously dies.
When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she believes it belongs to a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown. Alex suspects the Killer is hunting twins born with this curse—which means to save her sister and herself, Alex must not only find a way to control her ability, she must outsmart a killer.
Maybe if you break it out visually a little? And wind up with questions?Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away.
But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat. As Alex searches for a way to control the voices in her head and stop her sister’s pain, she discovers other twins who have suffered from this very curse—and one twin always mysteriously dies.
When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she believes it belongs to a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown.
Alex suspects the Killer is hunting twins born with this curse. Can Alex must not only find a way to control her ability? Can she outsmart a killer?
I've always been told to stay away from the rhetorical question. Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away. But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat.
As Alex searches for a way to control the voices in her head and stop her sister’s pain, she discovers other twins have suffered from this very affliction—and one twin always mysteriously dies. When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she believes someone is hunting twins born with this curse. And she suspects it’s the Gemini Killer—a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown. Only Alex, through her ability, knows he’s coming for Zoe or her next.
To save her sister and herself, Alex must find a way to control her ability and outsmart a killer. Otherwise, only one twin may survive.
I think for every way of doing anything in a query/blurb you will find supporters and detractors, each more passionate than the next.Do you want affliction instead of infliction? The latter implies agency.
To me the second paragraph is too wordy. I think you can combine
"When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she believes someone is hunting twins born with this curse"
and
"And she suspects it’s the Gemini Killer—a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set."
The last sentence in the second paragraph might read better as simply "Alex is sure he's coming for her and Zoe".
I decided to have a little fun, sorry if this is taking you in a different direction than you are looking for.The Gemini Killer has decided to “save” sixteen-year-old twins Alex and Zoe, but his cure is definitely worse than the disease. Alex can read minds, to the point that her mind is crammed painfully full. Zoe can shield Alex from this barrage, but her own mind gets bludgeoned in return.
After the Gemini Killer’s latest victim is found buried in her hometown, Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” and she knows that she or Zoe are next.
As Alex searches for a way to control the voices in her head and stop her sister’s pain, she discovers she and Zoe are not the only twins with this “problem.” As Alex and Zoe try to stop the Gemini Killer, they realize the cute boy they are both crushing on might cause more than a little sisterly jealousy – he might just trigger the twins' Gemini Curse with his killer good looks.
Wow! I love a lot of this, but some of it doesn't quite work ... but let me think ...
Which one of the events listed is the one that kickstarts the plot, so to speak? Is it the moment when Alex hears the voice?
Yes, Alex starts hearing voices in chapter one.
Laura wrote: "How about this?Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe..."
Much better! This version kept my interest better than your other attempts. Not sure if it's been said, but how important is it that we know Lucas is a nationally-ranked junior cyclo-cross racer? Since it has no effect in the rest of your query, I suggest you cut that.
Natasha wrote: "I was a little unclear about this part:"It’s a supernatural prophecy that demands one twin be sacrificed—or both will die—if they desire the same person. […] Although Lucas likes Alex, she vows t..."
Yes, I think this is what's needed :)
I'm wondering if it's best to just omit Lucas altogether and focus on the relationship between the sisters, their "problem" and the serial killer.
Neuravinci wrote: "Natasha wrote: "I was a little unclear about this part:"It’s a supernatural prophecy that demands one twin be sacrificed—or both will die—if they desire the same person. […] Although Lucas likes ..."
Sorry Neuravinci, I'm not sure what you're saying ...
Does this catch your attention and make sense?Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away. But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat.
When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she suspects it belongs to the Gemini Killer—a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown.
As Alex fights to hold onto her sanity and Zoe continues to suffer, Alex searches for a way to control the voices in her head and stop her sister’s pain. But the cure might be worse than the disease. Alex discovers the killer is “saving” twins born with this curse—and he’s coming for Zoe or her next.
To save her sister and herself, Alex must find a way to control her ability and outsmart a killer. Otherwise, only one twin will survive.
Laura wrote: "Does this catch your attention and make sense?"It makes sense, but I feel like the 2nd & 3rd paragraphs are fairly redundant and could really be combined for better flow, especially the parts explaining about the killer.
So the question is if I condense those paragraphs is there enough to be interesting? Or is something missing? I feel like I oscillate between not enough and too much with this stupid thing.
One last attempt before stepping away and taking a break.Thanks to everyone who has weighed in on this! Queries are so freaking hard!
Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away. But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat.
When Alex searches for a way to control the voices and stop her sister’s pain, what she finds is worse than her affliction. A serial killer is “saving” twins born with this obscure “disease” by killing one of the set—and he’s coming for Zoe or her next.
As the twins fight to hold onto their sanity and stay one step ahead of the killer, they confide in crush-worthy Lucas Baylor. But Lucas’s attention causes the killer to change his M.O. With threatening notes and mind-splitting thoughts, the killer lets the twins know he’s now coming for them both. Which makes Alex wonder - is there’s more to Lucas than his killer good looks.
Only one thing is certain: to save her sister and herself, Alex must find a way to control her ability and outsmart a killer.
Personally, I like this and would read the book.
Yay! Sounds like maybe I'm getting closer!
Oh, I was only saying that I agreed with the other poster..and I replied incorrectly. When I replied, it created a snippet of the previous post, which I had been trying to reply to.
Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away. But for Zoe, blocking thoughts feels like getting bludgeoned in the head by a baseball bat. Alex is determined to find a way to control the voices and stop her sister’s pain. What she finds out is worse than her affliction. A serial killer is “saving” twins born with the “disease” Alex suffers from—and he’s coming for them. Worse, Alex doesn’t know which one he’s targeting: her or Zoe.
As the sisters fight to stay one step ahead of the killer, they confide in their crush: Lucas Baylor. But Lucas’ attention causes the killer to change his M.O. With threatening notes and mind-splitting thoughts, the killer lets the twins know he’s now coming for them—for both of them.
This makes Alex wonder—is there more to Lucas than his killer good looks?
You don't have to use your last line of "Only one thing is certain: to save her sister and herself, Alex must find a way to control her ability and outsmart a killer. "---you've made that clear, and I think ending with the little "killer good looks" and a mystery is a better hook.plus, bringing in controlling her ability is another thing, which I don't think you've made it clear she can do so in previous paragraphs. So don't add in yet another plot point at the end.
Thanks, I was actually wondering if I need the last line or not. I've been going back and forth.
Dear Agent,
Because you are seeking commercial YA with plots that keep you guessing, you might be interested in my debut novel, THE GEMINI CURSE. It is a 68,000-word YA speculative thriller with elements of romance.
Sixteen-year-old Alex Swanson reads minds. That’s the nice way of saying people’s thoughts cram into her head uninvited. Her only solace is her identical twin sister, Zoe. When Zoe is close, the voices go away.
But Alex’s power causes Zoe skull-crushing pain.
Alex discovers her ability is the result of the Gemini Curse. It’s a supernatural prophecy that demands one twin be sacrificed—or both will die—if they desire the same person. For Alex and Zoe, that person is nationally-ranked junior cyclo-cross racer, Lucas Baylor. Although Lucas likes Alex, she vows to stay away from him. Anything to break the Curse.
But the Curse isn’t lifting.
When Alex hears a voice saying, “To save one, the other must die,” she fears someone is hunting twins born into the Curse. And she suspects it’s the Gemini Killer—a serial killer who targets twin girls, killing only one of the set. He just buried his latest victim in Alex’s hometown. Only Alex, through her ability, knows he’s coming for either Zoe or her next.
Stopping the Killer won’t be enough. To save each other, Alex and Zoe must break the Curse.
THE GEMINI CURSE is a standalone novel with series potential. It will appeal to fans of The Third Twin by CJ Omololu, The Killer in Me by Margot Harrison, and Whisper by Phoebe Kitanidis.