Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Help for my Query Letter!
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Some thoughts...Does the Kroger really take an integral part in the plot? If not, just leave that out or go generic with 'grocery story'.
I'd just say she needs to travel on-foot from Alabama to the safe zone in Kingston, TN. I'm not sure that you need to repeat that she has a foul mouth and suggest you leave off "After a fair amount of cursing, "
I suggest "changing the dead" -> "changing just the dead"
I don't think "This is my first novel." necessary gets you anything, those words could be used for something else.
Regarding bio, my understanding is if you have nothing to offer just leave it off. If there is something about your background that is relevant, then add that (e.g., yours is a forensic novel and you've been a coroner for decades).
Thank you so much for the feedback!! I have been struggling with this so much, so your advice is much appreciated. The thing is, it's mainly a story about friendship (between her and her travel companions), and I have no idea how to make that sound not-cheesy. It doesn't help that my environment is the antagonist, ugh. I'll try another version and post it tomorrow!
okay, here's an updated version. I'm still having trouble with the stakes, but maybe this one is marginally better?Lex Hightower has a foul mouth, a mean smoking habit, and a big problem—some lunatic bombed the South and the resulting nuclear fallout is reanimating the dead.
When she finds out there’s a safe zone on the edge of the Tennessee-Kentucky Line, she’s thrilled to leave her shitty workplace full of aggravating survivors. But there’s a catch: the grocery store she worked in is in Alabama, and since the fallout affects cars and their functions, she’ll have to walk all the way there.
Lex gathers a few cartons of cigarettes, a metal bat, and the two people who annoy her the least, and sets out on the journey to the Line. Ex-friend, ex-meth addict Brian and naïve-but-well-intentioned Tony aren’t ideal travel companions, but she’s willing to do anything to get to safety and some damn peace and quiet. A two week trip on foot? Easy.
At least it would be if the clumsy corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day.
It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving X’s on buildings and people.
It would be if the nuclear fallout, the dust, weren’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
THE DUST is a New Adult paranormal novel complete at 86,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Hi Natasha,Basically, it's a character driven novel that focuses on building relationships between the main trio. That's truly what I'm struggling with, since "forming friendship" sounds really boring. Especially when zombies are involved.
Plot wise, a group called "ox" is going around and tagging buildings with X's. Not a big deal until they start seeing people with X's on their arms...and Lex herself almost gets kidnapped by them at the midpoint. Additionally, the dust is making all sorts of changes to both the living and the dead. Corpses get stronger and smarter over time, and the survivors end up with wild bodily changes, like not needing to eat and faster-than-normal healing. There's also a huge plot twist related to the dust and the survivors' bodies, but I don't want to spoil it here (or in the query!).
All of this is brought up in the novel of course, but it really and truly is a story about a girl who learns to let her guard down with two people. I'm just not sure how to convey that....any tips?
No, this is great!! Seriously, thank you so much. I'm going to mull it over tonight, and try out your ideas. Thank you!!!-Jessica
Hi everyone!Sorry it took literal months lol, but here's my revised query! Please tell me what you think :)
Nineteen year old Lex Hightower has two of the worst jobs in Alabama: part-time grocery store employee, part-time corpse killer. In the six weeks since some lunatic bombed the South, she’s spent most of her time beating back the radioactive dead and reluctantly helping useless survivors in Kroger.
She finds out there’s a safe zone on the edge of the Tennessee-Kentucky Line, but she’s not thrilled to walk two hundred miles on sore cashier feet. But when she finds out that the food reserves in the store are almost gone, she makes her mind up. Time to go to the Line.
Lex grabs a few packs of cigarettes, a metal bat, and the two survivors who annoy her the least, and sets out on the journey to the Line. Ex-friend, ex-meth addict Brian and naïve-but-well-intentioned Tony aren’t ideal travel companions, but she’s willing to do anything to get to safety and some damn peace and quiet. A two-week trip on foot? Easy.
At least it would be if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day.
It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving X’s on buildings and people.
It would be if the nuclear fallout, the dust, weren’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
THE DUST is a New Adult paranormal novel at 90,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Is Kroger that important to the plot? I think it is cleaner if it just ends with 'useless survivors'.I think the end might read better thus:
At least it would be if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day.
And if a mysterious group weren’t carving X’s on buildings and people.
Not to mention, the dust from the nuclear fallout weren’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
Thanks for your feedback, Keith! I kind of like the parallel structure of the end though...it's much more dramatic :) I agree about the very last line needs tweaking though. Thank you!!
I agree that Kroger is unnecessary. Sounds like a place rather than a store name for those of us unfamiliar with it. Walmart might have had a different impact, but I'm not recommending you use that! Is her age relevant? Maybe, but it sort of flattens the impact of the intro. If you do decide to go with it, then it's Nineteen-year-old Lex … Me, I'd ditch it.
I think there's some repetition with 'Time to go to the Line' and 'sets out on the journey to the Line'. I'd either ditch the first, or stop the second after journey.
Similarly, I thought two hundred miles on sore cashier feet and two-week journey on foot (by foot?) sounded a bit too samey. Maybe cut the first at miles, and add the sore cashier feet to the two-week trip?
Also, the two buts in the second par jar slightly. Cut the second?
I think the last three pars/sentences are fine. Leaves us with a sense of 'what next?'
At the part that says "if the nuclear fallout, the dust, weren't changing...", I like the parallel sentence structure, but that sentence is unclear. In fact, I think it might be stating the opposite of what it's supposed to state. If you're implying that the stakes are high because dust is changing the living, the sentence is worded incorrectly. It's worded to suggested that if the dust were changing the living and not only the dead, things would be easy, which means that instead, the dust is only changing the dead.Or, if you're implying that it doesn't change the living, my above statement is irrelevant. However, if that's the case, I think the sentence is a little hard to understand. I suggest you use a different sentence, but keep the repetitive structure, because that's cool.
Thank you Cimone and RoughSeas!!! I'll tweak it and post the redone version here :)
Okay, super late, but here's my next version! This one has an author bio and I'm shaky on it because I'm not good at describing myself... Here it is!Dear Agent,
Nineteen-year-old Lex Hightower has two of the worst jobs in Alabama: part-time grocery store employee, part-time corpse killer. In the six weeks since some lunatic bombed the South, she’s spent most of her time beating back the radioactive dead and reluctantly helping the useless survivors at Kroger.
She learns there’s a safe zone on the edge of the Tennessee-Kentucky Line. She’s not thrilled to walk two hundred miles on sore cashier’s feet, but when she finds out the food reserves in the store are almost gone, she makes up her mind. Time to get out of Kroger and on the road.
Armed with a few packs of cigarettes and a metal bat, Lex grabs the two survivors who annoy her the least, and sets out on her journey. Ex-friend, ex-meth addict Brian and naïve-but-well-intentioned Tony aren’t ideal travel companions, but she’s willing to do anything to get to safety and some damn peace and quiet. A two-week trip on foot? Easy.
At least it would be if the corpses weren’t getting stronger and smarter every day.
It would be if a mysterious group weren’t carving Xs on buildings and people.
It would be if the fallout wasn’t just changing the dead, but the living as well.
THE DUST is a New Adult paranormal novel at 91,000 words.
I am an ex-Kroger employee as well, but thankfully wasn’t chased away by radioactive corpses. I’m currently pursuing a BA in English Literature with a minor in Creative Writing. I live and work in Auburn, AL with my Basset Hound, Jinx.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
I think the first two paragraphs are good, but the third one almost serves no purpose. I'm not sure why she took those two characters with her and why you included them. Why does she need them to survive exactly? questions are not really advisable in queries. They are more like detractors. I assume those two secondary characters are important for your manuscript, but I don't think you would lose anything from this query if you removed them. Also, your bio doesn't give us any relevant info besides that you were a kroger employee. I would also remove the radioactive line from it. As far as I'm aware, those are usually for publishing credits or why you're the person to tell your story info.
@Leland, thank you for your comments! The other two characters are basically the mains, so it felt wrong not to include them D: Maybe I could include a line that it's silly to think she could go by herself?I actually agree wholeheartedly with you about the bio. I'd normally leave it off, but a competition I'm entering on Friday demands one. I have no publishing credits and I've never been in an apocalypse before, so this is the best I could come up with haha. Is the current bio okay for when agents/editors tell you you have to have one?
Hard to say. It's usually recommended to limit the number of named characters in a query if you can. Even if you added that line they seemed tacked on at the end.That's odd that they would require the bio. I've been told by many authors that they've it out and still got published. But I suppose it works for that.
Hi guys, I'm entering the query trenches! I'm abysmal at these, so I'd appreciate some feedback on my first effort. Here it is:
Lex Hightower has a foul mouth, a mean smoking habit, and a big problem—some lunatic bombed the South and the resulting nuclear fallout is reanimating the dead.
When she finds out there’s a safe zone in Kingston, Tennessee, she’s thrilled to leave her shitty workplace full of aggravating survivors. But there’s a catch: the Kroger she worked in is in North Alabama, and since the fallout effects cars and their functions, she’ll have to walk all the way there.
After a fair amount of cursing, Lex takes a few supplies, a metal bat, and the two people who annoy her the least, and sets out on her journey to Kingston. A two week trip on foot? Easy.
At least it would be if the clumsy corpses weren’t getting smarter and stronger with every passing day. And if a mysterious X’s weren’t appearing on buildings and road signs. And if the nuclear fallout, the dust, wasn’t changing the dead, but the living as well.
THE DUST is a New Adult paranormal novel complete at 86,000 words. This is my first novel.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
P.S.- does anyone know what to do about a bio section? I have no publishing credits haha. Thanks in advance!!