Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Does my Query grab your attention?
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Minor things. I suggest "Mia knows it's up to her and her friends" and "She's counting on her heart"One 'problem' is its length at 224 words. Supposedly the sweet spot is 100-150 words.
That being said, it reads compelling to me.
Keith wrote: "Minor things. I suggest "Mia knows it's up to her and her friends" and "She's counting on her heart"One 'problem' is its length at 224 words. Supposedly the sweet spot is 100-150 words.
That bei..."
Hi Keith,
Thank you for your suggestions. They are awesome! :)
I was worried about the length too. I might have to trim it a bit, especially if I add a paragraph to the agent.
Thanks again.
One more minor thing--you could probably cut the first three sentences without losing anything. Just start with "16 year old Amelia Sawyer..."
I thought about that, but I feel it helps set the tone. Writing these things is maddening. Even if it's perfect, if an agent is busy or just got a manuscript that sounds similar, you're out of luck. I've read examples of queries that broke all the rules, yet still got an agent and publisher. Too cute for one agent isn't cute enough for another. No doubt when they read it during the day and possibly even during the week matters. ON top of all that, you need something that's unique, but not too unique, builds on something yet isn't too derivative. It might as well be random...
Jessica wrote: "One more minor thing--you could probably cut the first three sentences without losing anything. Just start with "16 year old Amelia Sawyer...""Keith wrote: "I thought about that, but I feel it helps set the tone. Writing these things is maddening. Even if it's perfect, if an agent is busy or just got a manuscript that sounds similar, you're out of luck..."
Yeah, I'm having a hard time deciding to keep it or not. Some people like it, and some people don't. Getting an agents attention is tricky! But you're right, Keith, it depends on a lot of things, timing, etc. I guess I'll just have to go for it and hope for the best.
Thank you both for your help. :)
I agree Keith, querying is maddening. It almost completely depends on factors you can't control, and it's largely unfair. You just have to do your best :(As for the line I said to cut, I think it's just a little too cheesy. It also doesn't quite fit the tone--we go from "aww" to "slavery" within a couple of lines. That's why I would cut it, but it's up to you, OP :)
Btw have you checked out QueryShark? I'm studying those examples extensively and it's really helping me!
I'm glad you mentioned QueryShark. I'd seen it a year or so ago and forgot, now I'll have to invest some time on it.Thanks!
Natasha wrote: "I don’t think 224 words is too long for a query. Based on the ‘wins' of the QueryShark blog, up to 250 words seems okay. That being said, you want the most effective 224 words on the page. I would ..."Hi Natasha
Wow. Thank you so much for taking the time to give me so much of your advice. Your suggestions are fantastic.
I was thinking of changing this line: "When her worst nightmares come true," (Someone really close to her gets the virus)
"When the next virus victim is again someone so close to her.." or "Can she save the most important person in her life, and in turn her entire precinct?"
Do you think it's quite repetitive?
"When Mia's father...", "When her worst nightmares...", "When lie and mysteries are revealed...", "With nothing left to lose...", Lost in despair..." etc. Or do you think that is okay?
Keith and Jessica, I would love your input too. :)
Thank you guys, you are all awesome!
Jessica wrote: "I agree Keith, querying is maddening. It almost completely depends on factors you can't control, and it's largely unfair. You just have to do your best :(As for the line I said to cut, I think it..."
I agree with you now. Thank you!
Yeah, I came across query shark a while ago, but I need to read it again. Thank you for your help! Best of luck for your query letter. :)
Keith wrote: "I'm glad you mentioned QueryShark. I'd seen it a year or so ago and forgot, now I'll have to invest some time on it.Thanks!"
Me too!
I think this query reads like too much of a synopsis, and I'm not really seeing your unique spin on this particular trope. The first paragraphs seems a bit long winded for just telling us about your mc. I'm not exactly hooked yet. You need a hook in the first line. For the second paragraph, we should have known what she wanted in the first paragraph. The third paragraph is way too vague. What stands in her way? It seems like she just does things with no obstacles. What happens if she fails? It's way too vague.What separates your story from the likes of Divergent or Hunger Games for example?
http://agentqueryconnect.com/ is useful for help with queries.
Leland wrote: "I think this query reads like too much of a synopsis, and I'm not really seeing your unique spin on this particular trope. The first paragraphs seems a bit long winded for just telling us about you..."Hi Leland
Awesome, thanks for the advice!
Haha, I've definitely got my work cut out for me. Query letters are the hardest thing ever!
Natasha wrote: "I’m glad you found it helpful! Long time query reader, first time poster haha!I think that your problem here is you’re worrying too much about the sentence structure and length without getting th..."
Oh my gosh. You are awesome. All your help is amazing. Thank you!
I took some notes and had another attempt. If you don't mind, would you take a look at what I came up with and tell me if it's any better? Or on the right track. :)
Sixteen-year-old Amelia Sawyer is a daddys girl in the truest sense of the word. Under the protection and guidance of her father, she grows up in the persecuted Southern precinct, dependent on the North for the weekly life-supporting Antidote. When her father is killed by the Vermune virus, Mia leans on her best friend Dan as they seek answers through The Movement—a Southern rebel group fighting for equality.
The Movement reveals that the North have been targeting Southern households with placebos—everyone's life is at risk. As The Movement meticulously develops a plan to take control of the Antidote, disaster strikes. Mia is forced to take action to save not only those closest to her, but in the process, decide the fate of her entire precinct. She must, however, rely on a Northerner to pull it off. Can she trust him, not only with her life but with the fate of all her people?
THE MOVEMENT is a Young Adult, Dystopian novel, complete at 116,000 words.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
P.S. If anyone else wants to provide feedback, feel free. Thanks! :)
I like the new version! But I'm confused about who the Northerner is--is it Dan? If so, there's no reason she wouldn't trust him, right? If not, a name will help differentiate Dan from the Northerner.Also, I believe it's "daddy's girl" and "targeting Southern households with placebos" sounds weird. Instead of "targeting," maybe "supplying" would work better?
I just want to say that you're a legend, Natasha. Your examples make everything so clear, and you obviously know what you're doing. Thank you so much
Jessica wrote: "I like the new version! But I'm confused about who the Northerner is--is it Dan? If so, there's no reason she wouldn't trust him, right? If not, a name will help differentiate Dan from the Northern..."Hi Jessica
Awesome advice. Thank you!!
:D
Jessica wrote: "I just want to say that you're a legend, Natasha. Your examples make everything so clear, and you obviously know what you're doing. Thank you so much"She so is, isn't she? :)
Natasha wrote: "I’m getting to know your story. Great news! You’re on the right track!One vital piece that you need to clarify in your query what constitutes THE CHOICE. Basically, you can always tell where The ..."
Yay. Getting there, slowly. Haha.
Awesome advice. You are seriously amazing. I am so grateful for all your help, thank you. I'm going to go and work on it, mull it over, revise again, and again. Might be back on here in a few weeks haha.
Thank you again, Natasha! :D
Natasha wrote: "You got this! I'm happy I could help. :)Take your time - it's a slow process. But definitely be confident that it is improving and it will get there."Oh, thank you! :)
I'd simplify the first line, Lee the hook really to the point:The only thing worse than contracting (insert name of virus), is having the antivenom privileges taken away.
Natasha, I really enjoyed your examples and found them helpful.
So, I'm going to try to make my comments in your blurb, but since I can't make italics or bold, I hope it's not too confusingIf there was anything worse than contracting the Vermune virus, it was the all-consuming inevitability
(How can inevitability be all-consuming? The inevitability of the privileges being taking away? Inevitability of dying without the Anecdote? In that case, it's curious that you worded it "that came after...")
that came after having your Antidote privileges taken away. Sixteen-year-old Amelia Sawyer has been taught to be all the things a leader should be: courageous, strong and confident, but with the protection of her father and her best friend Dan, she’s never had to exhibit any of these qualities. Yet.
(I like this--setup that she's got skills in theory, but hasn't put them to the test yet. Nice)
Born in the persecuted Southern precinct, slavery to the North is the only to secure a life-supporting weekly dose of an Antidote that battles the Vermune Virus. But when her father falls victim, grief is not the only thing that consumes her. Lost in despair, Mia leans on Dan as she discovers her strengths, and seeks answers to why more people are falling victim. This search leads her to The Movement—a Southern rebel group fighting for equality.
After The Movement learn the North is distributing placebos and everyone's lives are at risk. Mia becomes central to their plan when she befriends, Will, a Northerner, and whether she is ready or not, she must grow into the leader she needs to be to save not only those closest to her, but her entire precinct. She must, however, rely on Will to pull it off. Can she trust him, not only with her life but with the fate of her entire precinct? She is counting on her heart and hoping against hope that it knows what's best
(Might you think about combining the sentences "She must, however..." and "Can she trust..."? The sentence "she must..." seems a little unnecessary on its own.
Like, maybe-- "forced to rely on Will, she must place not only her life, but the life of her entire precinct in his hands--hoping against hope that her heart knows what's best."
Hopefully that at least gives you an idea or two?
Your scenarios sound interesting, it's really just having that rather confusing bit in the first sentence that threw me.
All feedback appreciated!
Set in a future where society is segregated into two precincts, the Southerners are slaves to the Antidote and consequently the Northerners that produce it.
Mia Sawyer, a daring sixteen-year-old Southerner, with an impulsive streak that could get her in trouble, dreams of one day living free of the North. Instead, she is forced to endure slave-like conditions in return for a weekly dose of the Antidote. But when the Antidote fails to combat the Vermune virus, and her father dies, Mia is determined to find out why. In her search to uncover answers, she is led to The Movement, an underground Southern rebel group determined to regain control of their lives and free themselves from the North.
After a number of chance encounters with a boy from the North, a forbidden romance begins to blossom. Seizing the opportunity this connection could provide, The Movement leadership quickly bring Mia into the fold. It isn’t long, however, before doubts about the boy’s true motivations come into play.
Mia’s world is complicated further when her best friend is struck with the virus. Now she must decide between putting not only her life but many others on the line. Can she trust the Northerner and rely on his help to save not only her best friend but her entire precinct?
THE MOVEMENT is a Young Adult, Dystopian novel, complete at 98,000 words. (Personalize here)
Thank you for your time and consideration.