UPDATED: help me fix my poopie query LOL

[Keith]

I guess it depends hugely on targeting the right agents. If you aren't sending it to people receptive to this sort of work, it will be dismissed out of hand. I can't say that I've seen any work like this in paid publishing (but plenty free on the Internet), so you might find it hard to find any agent/publisher even willing to consider it, no matter how stellar your prose is.

I think, at the very least, you need to put at the very top that this is a BDSM oriented work with cannibal and snuff elements. That will serve to screen out most readers that won't be interested right there.

Having said all that, your prose is rather awkward. I also get the impression you're not a native English speaker. Your names might be common in Russia but they are a mouthful for me. I think you'd be better off using their first names only.

I'm not seeing any sort of real obstacle to overcome and it isn't clear who the 'hero' is (Matvei? Valeriya?). Then you introduce Nikita at the end, which almost seems to be a separate, independent story.

Finally, as a blurb, it's too long (100-150 words is the sweet spot). As a synopsis, isn't providing spoilers.

I hope some of this helps...

[Paul]

"His being a vor v zakone and a pahkan."
If you are targeting Russian agents this may have traction otherwise id suggest 90 percent of agents have stopped reading by now.

If they did continue to read on this sentence would have been the death knell.
"With his hand tightly gripping his erection, he releases anonymous horrors upon her and watches her struggle."
either this is a one off release of horrors upon Valeria or it reads like he is walking around with his penis in his hand for the entirety of the story.
To be honest the entire query is nonsensical.

[Paul]

vor v zakone and a pahkan. Are not terms in common usage that i'm aware of. I had to google them. Id certainly refrain from using them in query letter where there is any chance that the agent wont be familiar with them either. They no doubt see a lot of queries and will not be wasting time researching terms. By all means use the terms in the body of your MS where you will have a chance to explain their origins and meanings. "Russian Mafia" conveys the same information without the ambiguity.

The story line is not very clear the message is lost in a lot of superfluous information that needs to be culled.

"Valeriya asks Matvei for help, Matvei develops a violent, one-sided obsession, and Nikita doesn't like her but has his own issues to deal with."

This passage that you wrote in your reply is a much more concise description and delivers the story line without the guff.

[Kat]

"Similar works include Marquis de Sade’s Juliette."

This could be a problem. I was told never to comp to literary classics: it signals inexperienced/unfamiliar with your genre.

[Keith]

@Smoppet, you shouldn't edit your existing post, you should create a new entry in this thread. By overwriting the earlier post people can't look back and see what the subsequent comments were about.

[Laura]

For me, the new query (I never saw the old one) lacks voice.

Also, why is she afraid to call the cops? Seeking out a mob boss seems scarier to me.

"He tosses numerous hurdles at her for sexual pleasure." This made no sense to me.

"His enforcer, Nikita, thinks Valeriya is dangerous, but pursues the issue no further as he has issues of his own to deal with." I don't understand how this fits into the story.