Resolved

[J.P.]

Here are my New Year's resolutions:

If I have to put up with one more book written by a clueless author who thinks all twenty-somethings have nothing better to do than get falling-down drunk and hook up, I'll slap her silly!

If I find myself reading one more book whose sole story line is a pregnancy, I am going to find the author, tie her down on an examination table and leave her there!

If I have to put up with one more book written by an author too lazy to look up the definitions of the words she uses and proofread her own sentences, I'm going to super glue her hands to an eighth-grade English textbook, because Honey, you should have learned that by eighth grade!

ABOUT THIS BOOK:
The story line is packed full of so many contrivances it's like walking through an old-time five- and ten-cent store. The characters aren't complex; they're ridiculous caricatures. Is the billionaire hero carrying the burden of a tragic past? Is he a player? Is he a lover or a lout? Does the heroine suffer from the injustices of an abusive childhood, or is she a skank? And by the time we're halfway through, who cares? I just wasted my time.

I get it. You're young, your life experiences have been limited and your writing reflects that. Well, guess what! We're tired of reading the shriveled-up works of unenlightened minds.

My suggestion: forget about web pages and social media. Get out in the real world and actually speak face-to-face with one hundred people. Make some real, live friends and have some real experiences. Then choose one of those experiences or something you've learned from a living human being to write a truly engaging story.

On the other hand, maybe you're an older, experienced writer who's been dumbing-down her work on purpose. Congratulations--you've succeeded.

[P.I.]

Funny but mean review and NY resolutions. I'm not that author (eek!) though men always hate my books in any case so I know how bad a negative review can hurt and how disheartening it can be. But I also know it's frustrating to read a badly written story so hopefully among the fury and tears someone here has learned something positive. But what the hell do I know?

[J.P.]

P.I. wrote: "Funny but mean review and NY resolutions. I'm not that author (eek!) though men always hate my books in any case so I know how bad a negative review can hurt and how disheartening it can be. But I ..."

Thanks for your comments. Funny, I like; mean, I can see.

I was having a bad week, having read three potboilers in a row, all focusing on a pregnant girl and a clueless baby daddy. You can only do a thing so many times before lashing out!

As an aside, I'm a novice writer, too (I hesitate to call myself an author until somebody besides friends and family thinks I've written something worthwhile). I've also suffered the slings and arrows, but mainly the damning-with-faint-praise kind.