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~Look Down, You're Talking to Your Highness~[R]
Alright, so you ARE forbidden. But why is that?
I was trying to look up pictures of one character for something and despite Safe Search being enabled at the library one of the first results was a super explicit hentai picture of said character. Like nice Google, I don't want to get kicked out of the library. And mind you, I wasn't searching up anything strange. I literally just typed in that character's name and the show they're from.
Hunter (Totally NOT a communist ☭) wrote: "Alright, so you ARE forbidden. But why is that?"Because Mom doesn't think it's very fair for me to take up other peoples' computer time over the summer when there's more people who want it and I have the opportunity to go to the library. I mean, I don't actually have to go to the library, but making a decision to not go means I am making the decision to have no electronics for the day, as Mom puts it. Does that make sense?
Yeha, but still stupid. Not like ytou can play Sims at the library
I don't really mind, it's only for one more month anyway. I can wait.
message 11957:
by
Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛
(last edited Jul 05, 2018 12:12PM)
(new)
Mom's been making us eat this $4 diet for the past two months and I am already so sick of it. It is exactly what it sounds like and I am so sick of eating literally nothing but ramen, cheese and crackers, and PB&J. I barely get any variety. And I know I shouldn't complain about it because at least it's food, but I am so sick of eating literally the same thing over and over again. Surely it couldn't hurt Mom to splurge just a little bit and let me have some pizza or something? I tried to convince her to get lunch-meat sandwiches at the store today but she didn't seem very eager. And we do get cereal but my brothers literally eat it all in one day. I am so sick of eating this stupid diet and I wish I could have some kind of variety. Mom knows how to make stuff like pizza but never wants to make anything herself. Not to mention I'm sure eating those three things day-in and day-out isn't very healthy either since I'm missing out on a lot of other nutrients that I need. You might think I'm exaggerating but I assure you I'm not. Last week I ate four bowls of ramen and then five peanut-butter sandwiches. And then there was a random cheese and crackers thrown in there because I was feeling ~fancy~
I blew up at my mom for making me eat her $4 diet. She literally got me nothing but sandwiches and cheese and crackers; no noodles or bagels. And she knows I went through seven or eight years where I couldn’t even look at a sandwich because I was so sick of eating them so much and I bet it’ll happen again the way this is going. She made a pizza but it was so disgusting and I should’ve known better because I despise homemade pizza. And I was already really upset and bummed out over something that happened earlier but of course that doesn’t matter. She doesn’t care and neither will my friends. The only thing I can do is try not to cry about it. I’ve been feeling so upset lately and everything is building up on top of everything else and I want to cry thinking about it.....
But I’m not going to because it’ll just be a cry for attention, having a breakdown like this.
What happened earlier that made you upset?
It’s really stupid, but....you remember how my best friend and I made plans to go hang out this weekend? I asked her about it earlier as a reminder and she said she was going to be busy for the next few days getting settled in with her boyfriend at his house, so she’s cancelling our plans and she doesn’t know when we’ll be able to hang out again. I should’ve expected this from her because she always cancels our plans due to being busy, but I guess I was so hopeful this time around that I forgot that part. It’s not her fault she’s busy though. I’ll just let it go and sooner or later I’ll stop being sad about it. I think it’s petty to be upset over this anyway, I mean it’s her life and I have no control over it.
There's nothing petty about being upset over cnaceled plans. If you get angry at the person then yeah that's kinda immature, but being upset you don't get to see a friend is rational.
My mom and I kept arguing over stuff last night and pretty much all day today. I told her I wanted to watch something to make me feel better and that when I’m upset, I like to watch something funny. But she kept trying to make me watch more of that anime I dislike along with an hour-long show of hers and I just didn’t feel like dealing with that. I could only pick one thing and that set me off and I told her I didn’t want to watch anything with her if that was how it was going to be. I’m still feeling really sour about it but I hope going to the library way later today will help me feel better. Maybe I’m just overreacting again.
And I also saw something on Tumblr that made me feel like my sexuality wasn’t valid and I started questioning my gender again and I hate thinking about things like that so that definitely didn’t make me feel any better.
Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "And I also saw something on Tumblr that made me feel like my sexuality wasn’t valid and I started questioning my gender again and I hate thinking about things like that so that definitely didn’t ma..."Bah who cares what other people think? you do you.
What do you mean you're questioning your gender? I thought you always identified as CIS female?
I cried myself to sleep a few nights ago. My mom scolded me this morning for being so rude and irritable lately and told me to cut it out and I just told her I wouldn't be able to and then I left. I know she's going to try and make me watch something with her tonight and it's just going to end up in one big fight again. The worst thing is, I'm not even sure what I'm upset about anymore. My mom making me do things I don't wanna do? My mom not taking my feelings into account? My best friend canceling her plans with me? Being utterly ignored on GoodReads for no good reason? A combination of all of the above? I'm so upset and angry for literally no reason, and the worst thing is, I don't know how to make myself feel better. I really am a horrible human being.
You're not a horrible person. You just have a string of bad luck with people.
Hunter (Totally NOT a communist ☭) wrote: "Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "And I also saw something on Tumblr that made me feel like my sexuality wasn’t valid and I started questioning my gender again and I hate thinking a..."I've been questioning my gender for a few years now, actually. I've just shoved those thoughts aside because to be entirely honest, A. I think it's just a phase honestly because I don't even know what I identify as, and B. I really don't like the gender-support community on the Internet. They are really harsh towards people who don't fit their standards of gender identity, believe it or not. Like I know a transgirl who was insulted by her own kind on Tumblr because she wasn't 'trans enough' And I don't even know what I identify as. I just know that sometimes I don't feel like a woman. But I'm worried about making an announcement, gaining support, and then realizing it was just a phase and getting blacklisted and destroyed by the gender community on the Internet.
That lack of support is one of the biggest reasons why I've kept this extremely quiet about myself.
I mean, the fact you emphasized 'cis' tells me all I need to know about how you would feel if I legitimately came out as trans or genderfluid or something.
Hunter (Totally NOT a communist ☭) wrote: "You're not a horrible person. You just have a string of bad luck with people."This isn't bad luck. I literally can't calm down from this and the littlest things lately have been making me feel upset. I don't know what to do anymore.
Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛ wrote: "I mean, the fact you emphasized 'cis' tells me all I need to know about how you would feel if I legitimately came out as trans or genderfluid or something."Well, are you not CIS female? Would that not be like me saying I'm CIS male?
You don't say it like 'CIS' though. It's just cis dude. The fact you're saying it in all caps make it sound like you're trying to hammer into my head that I'm cis or something. It'd be like me telling you 'but you can't be into boys, you are STRAIGHT'
I've seen people elsewhere do it in caps *Shrugs* I didn't known if it was an acronym or what.That wasn't my goal. i just wrote it as I've seen others do.
I don't think it is. I have literally only seen it as cis. And this isn't even what I wanted to discuss anyway.
I remember two years ago in August I got sick with a stomach bug but didn't realize it at first; I just thought my stomach hurt super badly because it always does. I went downstairs to watch TV and I was in a lot of pain. I could literally not move. I then threw up in front of the couch two hours later because I was sick and I was too ill to clean it up. I just laid there. Obviously I was too sick to move, otherwise I would've made it up the stairs to the bathroom. Mom came downstairs to get ready for work and when she saw what I had done she did literally nothing but yell at me for refusing to clean up the vomit or making it to the bathroom in the first place. It seemed like she genuinely believed I made that mess on purpose just to spite her. She wouldn't listen to me tell her I had literally never thrown up on the floor before in my life ever because I'm not that kind of person, if I was too sick to even throw up in the sink a few feet away from me, I was too sick to clean the vomit up, and that I legit didn't know I was even sick, I thought I was just in pain. She eventually cleaned it up, scolding me all the time, telling me that if she came home from work and I had thrown up on the floor again and refused to clean it up, she would punish me severely. I did throw up a few more times, but luckily by that time I sucked it up enough to go get a bowl from the kitchen to throw up in. I was so ill that one of my brothers gave me the computer and I didn't even have the energy to click the mouse. That is how much pain I was in and Mom expected me to clean up after myself? That's one of my favourite stories to tell people about my mom because I think her behavior that day was extremely uncalled for. It's not like I actually did have the energy and just left it there for her to clean up. And I literally did not know I was sick. She might as well have been yelling at a toddler or a dog for doing the same exact thing. I don't think I'm in the wrong here.
Sometimes I seriously wonder what's wrong with your mom. That's not how a mom should act towards her own kids.
I guess maybe she thought I was lying? Since I've lied about stuff before but not to that level. It annoys me because lately she's been trying to play 'Perfect Mommy' and make us sack lunches and take us out to do fun summer things and give us things to make us feel better when we're sick and I know I should be enjoying it but it's really getting on my nerves because it is far too late for her to start playing that card now. If she wanted to play that role, she should've started doing it on day one instead of trying to do it now when we're starting to get far too old to be cared for like that.
message 11977:
by
Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛
(last edited Jul 07, 2018 10:59AM)
(new)
I remember when I threw up at Wal-Mart a few weeks ago she was pretty annoyed but I think the only reason why she wasn't more annoyed was because she wasn't the one who had to clean it up. And I also did say I felt really nauseous, likely from what I ate, but in my defense, I thought I was just feeling sick and wouldn't actually throw up. I bet she assumed the same and at least she didn't call me out for being a liar or thinking I did it on purpose.
I didn't really want to talk about going to All-Day Anime this year because I feel like nobody who reads my journal particularly cares, but Mom said I should write it down anyway so I'll still remember it even when I'm old, and I realized she had a good point, so here it is. I arrived a bit late, not super late but I wasn't expecting to see the event starting about five minutes earlier than it was scheduled to. At first I was excited to see all of the people that were there since it was a much bigger turn-out than last year, but I quickly realized that the only reason why there were so many people was because one girl had to bring her younger siblings with her. And despite the large amount of people, unlike last year, nobody really seemed interested in interacting with each other or doing any activities. Everyone just kept to themselves. The only two people there in cosplay were me and that thirteen-year-old boy.
I spent most of my time colouring these two anime pictures and just listening to the people around me talk. The first anime we watched was Fairy Tail but nobody was paying much attention to it. I eventually started to amuse myself by watching that thirteen-year-old boy mix up every single drink that was available at the event into a cup mixed with tea and crushed-up potato chips and then drinking it. He made me drink some too. I also watched some Vines with people and watched them make buttons, but overall the whole atmosphere seemed....I don't know, it just seemed like despite the large amount of people there that nobody really wanted to do anything.
One of the reasons why I wanted to cosplay was because last year they had a cosplay fashion show where the cosplayers walked down a runway and had their pictures taken, but we didn't do that since only two people were cosplaying and it would've been a waste of time. I understand the idea, but it seemed like a huge waste of my time to spend so much time and money on that cosplay outfit and not have people take my picture or anything like that. People thought the Alter-Ego my mom made was really cool, but that was only because of the design. I had the feeling nobody knew who I was or what series I came from, which disappointed me with how popular the game franchise is currently.
They didn't order enough pizzas because I don't think they were expecting that many people to be there, but I'm probably just complaining because there was enough slices for everyone, I just ended up getting the really small slices of pepperoni; I don't really like pepperoni pizza and wanted cheese. The pizza gave me very bad heartburn but I was expecting that.
As we ate we had switched the anime over to Assassination Classroom and the thirteen-year-old boy asked me if I had seen the anime prior to the event and I answered in the affirmative, saying I had seen the anime and read the manga both. He was impressed and told me it was a really good series. Although we eventually had to turn it off because we saw that scene where Koro-sensei gives Miss Vitch a massage and the leader of the event said that anime made her feel extremely uncomfortable so she turned on The Devil's a Part-Timer instead, and I found that to be kinda funny because there's not really anything weird in Assassination Classroom that would make people feel that level of discomfort, but whatever. I got a good laugh when a character in that anime said something like: "Don't worry about it, I'm a part-timer," And some random guy walking by said: "Roll credits,"
We were supposed to watch a movie later in the day like last year and I was actually looking forward to this year's movie, but almost everybody ended up leaving early and the few people that were left weren't very eager to watch the movie, and even though I like The Devil's a Part-Timer, I was worn-out and felt ill and just wanted to go home. If they weren't going to watch a movie, then fine by me. I ended up going home early and told Mom all about it.
I'm not even sure what to make of this year. It wasn't really boring or terrible or anything, but it wasn't as fun as last year was. I suppose I still had fun, as I don't regret going, but perhaps I just set my standards too high? Maybe next year's will be better?
It's that time of year again for Vacation Bible School! I see some of the kids in my neighborhood getting ready to go. I always get so excited when I see them and hope they have a good time!!! Some of my best and happiest memories from early childhood came from going to Vacation Bible School! If only I wasn't too old, I'd still go to this day!
How come? If you're a Buddhist it wouldn't really make sense, would it? Not that I'm saying you should be banned, but I guess I don't see why you would?
I thought I've said several times before I was raised Christian? I wasn't born a Buddhist, obviously. I converted in middle school but when I was younger my family was incredibly active in the church scene. Went every single Sunday and we also attended Wednesday night worship and dinner. And I also went to Vacation Bible School as a result.
I am so sick of being ignored pretty much everywhere on this site. At first it was just with my friends, but now I'm being ignored in groups that don't even have my friends in them. Like this one group, I have asked several questions that have gotten blatantly ignored. My RP requests go ignored, and I have some collabs with people and they don't even bother to follow up with me on them to see if I'm actually doing them or not. What a freaking joke. I'm so glad I decided to go to college this year. Evidently I'm not welcome on GoodReads anymore.
I know you were but I meant why would you still go? If that makes sense.:\ once Midori is approved I'll design her room and we can play. I know you're excited for that.
Because I wanted to? I actually like a lot of the aspects of Christianity. In fact I'm actually kinda jealous Christians are like a huge community in their neighborhood and have dinners and parties and such. Buddhists just don't do things like that in a huge group like that. And I love fancy church outfits. I headcanon a few anime characters as being Christians (sorry, I know that might be offensive to you...)
message 11985:
by
Elizabeth ♛Smart Girls Love Trashy Books♛
(last edited Jul 09, 2018 11:38AM)
(new)
CNN is currently releasing the next series in their really long series focusing on all the different decades and this one is about the 2000's. It is going to be so surreal. I mean, I know stuff like this! I lived it!! Although to be honest, last night's episode was super underwhelming. It was about 2000's television and I felt like they could've explored more? Like the other decades talked about all sorts of genera while this one focused more on comedies and dramas. Which is fine, but still. Maybe the next episodes will be more exciting? Next week is going to be about Bush's response to 9/11 as well as the event itself, and then the week after that is going to talk about all of the struggles Bush faced during his second term, like Hurricane Katrina. I'm also so excited to see the new intro!!!! The intros are always the best part of these series and I'm already picturing all of the 2000's events they're going to show. Mom said they'll likely have an image of the towers falling down and that really famous picture of Katrina that I refuse to believe is a real picture, and I told her in a horrified voice: "Good things happened in the 2000's too, you know!"
And I wasn't specifically referring to the Brides group, you know.
I was just asking, since you left and all I didnt think you'd want to go back. I'm not a mind reader after all :p Nah, I dont have a problem with it. Why would I? Saying someone is Christian by itself is no harm and even if they were to do bad things doesnt mean it's saying Christianity is evil.
HeckI.would LOVE to go to cultural festivals. It's something I've wanted to do as long as I.can remember
I know. But I lnew you said you felt ignored by your friends so I wanted to reiterate how eager I am for our RP
I already know you're excited for our RP though.
Someone here at the library smells like movie theater popcorn.
Darn right it's a keeper. I'm going to tell people about this for the rest of my life https://twitter.com/wxdam/status/1002...
Bleh, I tried to get into my college account with the username and password that college scout gave to me(it's my actual username and password) but the site won't accept it. And I can't reset anything or even create a different account because I need this one paper that I don't have with me currently and I get the feeling I probably don't have anymore.....ugh....
Ugh I'm soooo bored right now. Nobody wants to RP or talk with me. At least I have that fanfic I need to write for Tumblr by Saturday, that'll keep me busy.
This entire summer I haven’t felt like....myself. At first it was just general annoyance that came with having my brothers home constantly, but then it escalated and now I’m either extremely angry or extremely sad, there’s no middle ground. I’ve been trying to spend a lot of time with my mom to make myself feel better, but I feel like it only makes me feel worse. Everytime something good happens, it gets ruined by something bad. I keep bursting into tears at the slightest thing and I hate it. I’m not a crier, yet I started crying in the shower yesterday. I have never cried in the shower before, not even at my lowest point. I feel touch-starved; I desperately need a hug but nobody delivers. I need to talk to someone, not even about my problems but just in general to make myself feel better and I have no-one. I keep having nightmares night after night from how upset I am. The only thing I have are my fanfics but I lack motivation to keep working on any of them because they are absolute garbage and utter trash and I know it, the whole world knows it.
My mom and I keep getting into fights over pointless stuff. Lately she’s just annoyed I keep bashing her anime she’s making me watch, but in my defense I am so not in the mood for it. She dislikes talking to me about anything but that anime in some weird scheme to get me to either leave her alone or talk about something she likes. You can probably imagine how well that works out.
If I had to compare my current feelings right now to a metaphor, I suppose I would say I feel empty. Hollow. I feel strung-out like someone took out my brain, heart, stomach, blood vessels, everything that made me human. I feel like there is nothing left inside of me. I feel like a ghost half of the time.
And worst of all, not only does nobody care, but nobody even notices. Maybe they have more inportant things to do, maybe they think it’s just a cry for attention, but I’m worried about this escalating out of control and it ending with me doing something I’ll later regret.
Mom and I started arguing and I ended up crying afterwards like the piece of garbage that I am. I mean, I was being punished for being bad and I have the audacity to cry about it? She suggested that I look into getting myself some therapy because it seems like I really need someone to talk to, which is exactly what a therapist is paid to do. She said there are even affordable ones that I’ll be able to pay for.
But I don’t know if I want to go to therapy. If there really are cheap therapists, why are things like depression and anxiety so widespread in my generation? Either they don’t exist or they don’t work. If I am going to go through with this, I’ll need a very detailed list of recommendations.
And also.....I don’t think I want a therapist. I want a friend, someone I can talk to about my day and my interests, someone I can hang out with at their house or around town to get my mind off stuff, and of course someone I can hug. A therapist won’t do all of that, because they aren’t my friend. They’re just supposed to make me feel better. What if I start talking about how stuff like my fandoms make me really upset? Are they going to suggest I cut myself off from stuff like that? Will they even know what I’m talking about in the first place?
I don’t need a therapist, I need a friend.
At your first mention of therapists I was going to say "They may not be able to afford them or think they don't need them or something", but later..you have a point. Talking can only go so far; you need to have a connection with people.
But at the same time, being with my friends clearly isn’t helping. I’m either ignored or not being taken very seriously. Maybe.....I could sign up for a trial session? After all, that’s all it is and there’s no harm in cancelling if I realize it’s not working for me, right?
I'm guessing you're talking about others.If it's a trial I say go for it.
I mean, almost everyone has been ignoring me, both in real life and on the Internet....Most therapists offer a free trial session so you can test out their services and see if they work for you, so I hear.
Couldn't hurt to try
Exactly, hence why I'm going to.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
The Kingdom of Little Wounds (other topics)Anastasia's Secret (other topics)
The Crown's Game (other topics)
Cinder (other topics)
Mechanica (other topics)
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Because I'm technically not allowed on it. If I get on it when someone isn't on it because they're asleep or something, I will get in huge trouble.