Another blurb in need of help, fantasy

[K.A.]

Writing my novel was a greatly relished test and lesson. Blurb writing is punishing work I greatly detest at this point. I'm hoping to get the knack, but until then...help! I want to change up what I currently have to a shorter, punchier blurb. I know I failed in this little attempt, however, if you could push me in the right direction with any thoughts or questions you notice should be asked and answered. Thank you!


In need of a wild landscape filled with mythical creatures, cursed cities, and unlikely heroes? Join Thistle on an unexpected adventure into a strange and magical existence known as the Reaper realm. Discover why an elven assassin traveled across space and time to find this seemingly ordinary woman, and why the pair must flee a horde of ethereal minions unleashed to hunt them down at all cost.

[Jessica]

There are a couple nuggets of gold in there, methinks. I assume Thistle is your MC, the eleven assassin mentioned? So maybe something along the lines of:

Thistle has been given a new assignment: travel across space and time to locate a woman. An ordinary woman? At first the job seems beneath his elite skill set, but when a horde of ethereal minions is dispatched to hunt them down, Thistle and his new companion find themselves in a fight for more than just their lives.

?? I'll think about this some more after I've finished my coffee. Cheers!

[Roughseasinthemed]

I wouldn't start with a question like that, the time for the question is at the end, the will he/they won't he/they dilemma. Take the personal out of it as Jessica has done in her rewrite (which I like).

If you want to stick with yours, suggest, 'unlikely hero/elven assassin Thistle travels across space and time to the strange and magical Reaper realm; full of mythical creatures and cursed cities.

He teams up with an ordinary woman, and together they fight blah blah whatever …'

Could do with a bit more insight into them, and why they are fighting the minions.

[Jane]

I'd go somewhere a bit this way.

When Thistle steps into a world full of mythical creatures, cursed cities and unlikely heroes, she finds herself in the middle of a perilous adventure. Her only ally is an eleven assassin, and, in order to complete their quest, the pair of them must outrun a horde of demonic minions sent to hunt them down.

[K.A.]

Thank you all so much, you've given me a lot to think about! I'm off now to play with the blurb. =D

Also, love all your suggestions!

[Jessica]

Let us know what your next draft looks like. Have fun with it!

[K.A.]

I definitely will! I'm trying to have fun with it, haha. Once I get over the frustration hump I'll probably do okay. You'll be the judge =D

[Melonie]

Nicely done, Jane!! Can I send you all of my blurbs to write for the rest of forever?

[K.A.]

Sorry, the holidays dominated this last week. Here's my first attempt after returning to work. I copied all of your suggestions to my doc and used them to guide me on content. What d'ya think?

"When Thistle is spirited across time and space to a strange world full of mythical creatures, cursed cities, and unlikely heroes, she's unwillingly caught in a struggle to save existence. She quickly learns that this new world has designs upon her very soul, and the only being she can trust is an elven assassin enslaved to the very Reapers hunting the pair down at all cost."

[A.S.]

I like the second version you posted. I just think it needs a bit more. I can't seem to put my finger on it exactly. Something that shows a bit more of the danger and that time is running out. I mean you have her only alley being an elven assassin that is enslaved to the Reaper who is hunting them down. Maybe a twist in there to suggest that maybe he is not that trust worthy. Consider adding something like the quote below or along those lines.

"The only being she can trust is an elven assassin. Will he help her to stop the Reapers who are after her very soul or will he sell her out? "

[K.A.]

A.S. wrote: "I like the second version you posted. I just think it needs a bit more. I can't seem to put my finger..."

Loved this idea!

My husband returned from work and helped me tweak it, greatly so I think! As I was going to post the changes, I saw your post, A.S., and we mulled on a question for the ending over dinner prep. Here's the result:


Spirited across time and space to a strange world full of mythical creatures, cursed cities, and unlikely heroes, Thistle becomes ensnarled in a struggle to save existence. Along the road, she quickly learns that this new realm has designs upon her very soul, and the only being to trust is an elven assassin enslaved to the very Reapers hunting the pair at all cost. Will he help her in the end, or simply fulfill his mission by delivering her to his master?

[A.S.]

K.A. wrote: "A.S. wrote: "I like the second version you posted. I just think it needs a bit more. I can't seem to put my finger..."

Loved this idea!

My husband returned from work and helped me tweak it, great..."


Oh my goodness. This revised version you just shared now has me wanting to buy the book. Now that is blurb. Reading it, I don't have that feeling " something is missing but I cant put my finger on it". So in my opinion (which my professors say " You are not a doctor YET so you have no opinion) I love this revised version.

[K.A.]

A.S. wrote: "Oh my goodness. This..."

Thank you very much! I think we have a winner, haha!

Thanks all for your wonderful help!

[Jessica]

I agree! This last version is such an improvement! My only feedback is the sentence ending "...Reapers hunting the pair at all cost." That sentence is just so long (IMO).

What about "...and the only being to trust is an elven assassin enslaved to the very Reapers hunting her." It only shaves off a few words but tightens it up a bit.

Regardless, I really like this rewrite. Great blurb and sets a nice hook!

[Pam]

Agree with Jessica.

Also this sentence - "in a struggle to save existence." sounded as if a word was missing - is that meant to be 'her existence'?

[K.A.]

Jessica:
They are hunting the pair, not just her. Once he spirits her away, they are both being hunted by Reapers. And I have a hard time leaving off the "at all cost" because they are sparing nothing to hunt the pair down.

Pam:
They are working to save all existence, not just to save her.


Any suggestions to clarify both points succinctly?

...to save the whole of existence?

[Jessica]

Hey, it's your blurb and if you're attached to those two sentences, then by all means leave 'em be. I can't think of any alternatives beside what was already suggested, so if those changes don't grab you, it's okay.

The most important things are that it hooks the reader (check) and that you like it (sounds like a check). I think the current rewrite is intriguing and accomplishes what you want. Are you going to please everyone with your blurb? Probably not. So go with what you like.

[K.A.]

Jessica wrote: "Hey, it's your blurb and if you're attached..."

Thanks for your encouragement, I'll obsess otherwise!

I thought about your suggestions and my husband agreeing with everyone on the "at all cost" (lol), and tweaked it thusly:


Spirited across time and space to a strange world full of mythical creatures, cursed cities, and unlikely heroes, Thistle becomes ensnarled in a struggle to save the whole of existence. Along the road, she quickly learns that this new realm has designs upon her very soul, and the only being to trust is an elven assassin enslaved to the very Reapers hunting the pair. Will he help her in the end, or simply fulfill his mission by delivering her to his master?


I really appreciate everyone's help! I'm much happier with my blurb and feel more confident in approaching such writing in the future.

Thanks again!

[Roughseasinthemed]

Just one more comment, if I may. Two 'very's in one sentence grates. I'd lose one.

Sorry, two comments. You have three sentences. The first two begin with a subordinate clause which immediately delays the action. I recommend starting with 'Thistle is spirited … and becomes …' Not even sure you need 'along the road'. Less is more. Especially for blurbs.

[K.A.]

Roughseasinthemed wrote: "Just one more comment, if I may. Two 'very's in one..."

Thank you very much for catching that! =D

[Roughseasinthemed]

I was waiting for someone else to comment on the very very. As they didn't, I couldn't let it go …

[Noor]

I just wanted to chime in with others and agree that this last version is awesome!

One thing is bugging me, though, how can the realm itself have designs upon her soul? Maybe the realm endangers her soul or... something... I'll come back if I actually think of a better word, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.