Query: Seaglass - Book 1 of the Deadly Sin Chronicles

[Frances]

Hi all,

Looking for some feedback on my query. Please respond to this post with any help. Thank you.

Dear agent,

Valentina has trained to be a demon hunter for the last eight years with only one thing in mind: vengeance. She infiltrates the city of Seaglass to hunt down the demon who slaughtered her family. In the midst of an attack on the city, Valentina saves a squadron of Knights from a rampaging fire demon.

Tarquin, the commander of the Knights, is desperate for help. Demons have left his beloved city in ruins leaving a trail of destruction and murder in their wake. Tarquin thinks he’s finally found the perfect solution to the kingdom’s problems, Valentina. He will risk losing the love of the only royal family he has ever known to help Valentina succeed.

What Tarquin doesn’t know is that Valentina hides a secret of her own. She is possessed by one of the most powerful demons in the world, Astraea, the Deadly Sin of Lust. Valentina’s inner demon has her own desires in mind for the kingdom. Nothing will stand in Astraea’s way except perhaps, the “deliciously tumble-worthy” commander. In the end, what will Astraea choose---to save the kingdom or destroy it?

SEAGLASS is a 77K young adult fantasy novel and will appeal to fans of Sabaa Tahir and Marissa Meyer. This is the first book planned in a series of books and my debut novel.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

[Roughseasinthemed]

Bit turgid.

Suggest rewording. Trained to be a demon is not a gripping intro. And it's not really relevant that she trained for eight years. Minor detail.

Valentina infiltrates … might be better.

Love of royal family? Unnecessary. How many people know royal families?

'Tumble-worthy'? Uh.

Main points. Valentina is bent on vengeance to destroy the demon who slaughtered her family.

She meets commander Tarquin who wants her help as an expert demon hunter.

But Valentina, the demon hunter, is also possessed by a demon. One who is fascinated with the kingdom, and … with Tarquin.

Astraea calls the shots. What will she choose?

Not suggesting this as blurb, but rather a suggestion as to what the main points of your novel are. Sounds interesting.

[Frances]

Roughseasinthemed

Thanks for your comments. They were helpful. Especially, the ones about pairing down the language and making it simpler. I will revise and repost when I get a chance-- currently working on a new novel.