Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Query Letter Feedback
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It's short. Which is good. It's a bit telly though, and third person very distant. Can you inject a bit more excitement into it? Eg, Anza is faced with the horrible (insert better adjective) choice: save her family and friends – or – save the future (generations).
Also, your sentences need more variety. They all start with subordinate clauses:
In the sleepy border town
In the days and weeks
As her friends and neighbours
When Anza discovers
If that's indicative of your writing style in the book, I would imagine agents would disregard it. Make it much more active. And if your book is like that, re-edit.
If anyone has any feedback on this query letter, I'd appreciate it. There are actually two major storylines in this manuscript, but the advice online seems to be to pick one plotline for query letter purposes so I'm trying this version first and the other storyline second and see which ends up stronger:
Dear Agent,
I am seeking representation for my soft sci-fi historical drama, RED HAIL, complete at 100,000 words. [Personalized sentence about agent's taste or MSWL page here]
In 1960, in the sleepy border town of Galina, Arizona, sixteen-year-old ANZA KEARNEY watches blood-red hail fall from the sky. In the days and weeks that follow, everyone around Anza begins to exhibit frightening symptoms, a plague more like a curse than a physical disease. As her friends and neighbors turn on each other in their panic, the immune Anza joins a handful of townspeople in an attempt to find a cure before Galina dissolves into paranoia and chaos. When Anza discovers the otherworldly origins of the plagues, however, she will have to decide whether to sacrifice future generations in order to save her friends and family in the present.
As a character-driven soft sci-fi novel taking place in a realistic historical setting, RED HAIL will appeal to readers of EIFELHEIM and other novels combining speculative fiction and historical drama.
[Brief writing credit paragraph here]
Best Regards,
Name