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[kavi ~he-him~]

Awww I'm sorry Hallie.... *hugs*

[Hallie]

So This Is Turmoil

Alright, day 2 of cried myself to sleep till 1 am. And last night, my brother decided to play music after the lights were out and jump around the room that we shared without his shirt on. More than disturbed, that I don't know, just made me feel worse. I had tears in my eyes, and it had been quite a while until I finally found the courage to order him to get to sleep. And he initially replied, "I can't sleep. Why aren't you asleep?" Excuse me, but I'd love to know how I could fall asleep with annoying music being played and the noise of a little "older" brother jumping around and hitting himself. And a part of me was hoping that he'd notice me, and help, but that didn't happen. I just lost hope in the last person I wanted to trust.

Okay, so he finally decided to lie down and I still couldn't sleep. Instead I was crying over everything. No one's - okay no one in real life would care if I was gone. It wouldn't make any difference. My brother could have his own room - he's free to leave his things all over the bed; my mum doesn't have to buy anything from outside for breakfast; my dad doesn't have to pay my fees and other expenses. Speaking of expenses, my library membership expires in less than a week. I told my brother, and he told me to submit the petition to the higher authority. I'm scared to ask my dad. And it's all the more painful when I think that I can't have any physical books anymore. I used to have the money to pay the fee twice, but Dad took it all and returned only 1/8th of it, so.... That isn't enough.

Also, for the past three days, I've been watching 13 Reasons Why. I finally finished today, and it was - it was amazing. It was just so good, and even though the only thing Hannah and I have in common is the loneliness, I can relate to her. The problem is that now the only thing that I can think of is me with my wrists slit. Sometimes the picture is when I'm doing it, how I'm going to cry, how I'll force myself, and other times, it's a picture of my family finding me like that and how they'd react. Of course, the last thing they'd think they weren't the reason since my parents think too high of themselves. They think I love them more than anything and they are my best friends, but actually, they're the ones I want to leave the most. That isn't the case in the series.

I don't know what to do. I'm going out of my mind. My capricious mood swings are not a good sign. I don't know whether I should get help. And if yes, from whom? The thought of going to a shrink is best to impossible. I keep talking to myself; I can't understand what I'm saying - it doesn't make sense. I'm paranoid. I'm sceptical about everyone. I think everyone is out spying on me. They are always moving. I'm cynical when people try to......

[kavi ~he-him~]

*hugs* I'm sorry Hallie....

[Hallie]

Kavy :(

[kavi ~he-him~]

*hugs*

[Hallie]

Hey Kavy, if I disappear, would you take care of one of my groups?

[kavi ~he-him~]

don't disappear Hallie :(

[Hallie]

Late Night Email

Okay, it wasn't late night - just almost ten or something, but I sent H an email. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey, if you're there! I don't mind if I get a late reply, but I have a question, and I want a serious and candid answer.

Do I act my age? I mean, when you talk to me, or do anything with me, do I appear as a 15 year old? Do I have the maturity of a 15 year old, or just a whiny 5 year old?

H: Usually u act like ur 30 but with the sudden attack of these questions u seem to be 10 Wat happened

Me: 30? Seriously 30? I said I wanted a serious and CANDID answer. And why would that make me seem like 10?

H: Lol okay fine fine u definitely act ur age. You act as a matured 15 yo. But it's quite surprising u r asking me this. Wht s with the sudden curiosity

Me: You're honest right? Anyway, it's probably bedtime for you. Goodnight! :)

[Hallie]

Kavy, would you?

Masi, well, I don't know... My roleplays are really suffering. I don't feel like replying to them. I could be more boring then usual.

[Hallie]

I don't know. I haven't talked with you enough to judge that.

What about you guys? How old do I sound like? I really need to know, and I'll tell you why later.

[Hallie]

17? I sound like a 17 year old?

It's better than Liam. He told me that he thought I was at least 20.

[Hallie]

So my dad and mum are the only two people who still think I'm 5? Especially my dad.

[Hallie]

I act like a teenager. Okay, I read books, I don't like dressing up, makeup is out of question, but I still act like a teen. And my brother acts way more jejune than me. That behaviour by them is what's breaking me these days.

[kavi ~he-him~]

Hallie wrote: "Kavy, would you?

Masi, well, I don't know... My roleplays are really suffering. I don't feel like replying to them. I could be more boring then usual."

I would

[kavi ~he-him~]

Hallie wrote: "I don't know. I haven't talked with you enough to judge that.

What about you guys? How old do I sound like? I really need to know, and I'll tell you why later."

15

[Hallie]

To-do List

• Fix the calendar in my bedroom - punch a hole so that the month can be changed from January to April
• Toss the bottle of expired iron sulphate tablets to the trash can before I shove it down my throat
• Please, Hallie, reply to those roleplays
• Work on Helping Hands
• Write something

[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

Awe you left Free Role-play :(

[Hallie]

Oh I'm so sorry about that! I should have at least told you before leaving :( I had too much on my plate, and then things just started getting more worse.

[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

I had finally replied(Because I had just noticed it and remembered that it was my turn)

[Hallie]

I'm so sorry! We'll do something else someday! What can I do to make it up for you? Maybe beat up the idiots messing with you?

[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

Lol, no. Maybe we can continue in PM. I'll message you the whole conversation from the RP because I actually enjoyed it

[Hallie]

Alright :) I might not be able to answer right away, though.

[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

Okay. Should I just message you all the role-play incase you've forgotten so far?

[Hallie]

That would be helpful, but only if you're really free. I'll have to find the group and then check it, so if you don't mind, it would be easy to check on minor details later. But only if you're free!

[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

Okay

[Jaxon(Jax)[They-He]]

Im gonna actually send you a link then

[Hallie]

That'll be fine, too :) Thanks a ton Cyn!

[sara]

I think you sound 15. How about me? My mental age is apparently 20, and I was like cool then

[Hallie]

Yay 15! You sound like you're 24 or something, Sara! xD Yep, the same age as my brother, but my brother acts more like a 2 year old.

[Hallie]

[sara]

omg XD i'm no way near 24. XD atleast I do sound like an adult ahah

[blue]

XD

[Hallie]

sara wrote: "omg XD i'm no way near 24. XD atleast I do sound like an adult ahah"

Better sounding like an adult now than like a child when you're an adult xP

[Hallie]

Don't walk away, don't walk away,
Ooh when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away,
Ooh when the heart is yearning
Don't walk away, don't walk away,
Ooh when the world is burning
Don't walk away, don't walk away,
Ooh when the heart is yearning

~ Carnival of Rust, Poets of the Fall

[kavi ~he-him~]

My mental age is 6 😂

[sara]

Hallie wrote: "sara wrote: "omg XD i'm no way near 24. XD atleast I do sound like an adult ahah"

Better sounding like an adult now than like a child when you're an adult xP"

way true x

[[deleted user]]

I don't know about my mental age...
I don't know what I am anymore...

[Hallie]

❄️Small beans (Kavy/Kavya) of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "My mental age is 6 😂"

Haha xD But I don't think so!

[Hallie]

Masi [That's my name] (S.B.QP) wrote: "My IQ is 3. 😅"

Where did you check your IQ? Just curious.

[Hallie]

PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "I don't know about my mental age...
I don't know what I am anymore..."

*hugs Shine* You're an amazing person!

[Hallie]

I'm going mad. I'm really going mad. Please don't report this to Goodreads, or tell me not to do it. I might feel better if I put down what I just did here.

(view spoiler)[I went incognito and searched up 'How to kill self'. (hide spoiler)]

If I don't appear on Goodreads for a long time - let's say about a month or so - without any prior notice, then I'm gone. Just take care of my groups for me.

[[deleted user]]

Don't! One day Loliepop will find out and will be sad for life! As well as I!

[kavi ~he-him~]

Hallie wrote: "❄️Small beans (Kavy/Kavya) of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "My mental age is 6 😂"

Haha xD But I don't think so!"

I took a quiz on what my mental age is XD

[kavi ~he-him~]

Hallie wrote: "I'm going mad. I'm really going mad. Please don't report this to Goodreads, or tell me not to do it. I might feel better if I put down what I just did here.

[spoilers removed]

If I don't appear o..."

Hallie pls don't do it I can't lose you.....pls.....

[Hallie]

❄️Small beans (Kavy/Kavya) of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "❄️Small beans (Kavy/Kavya) of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "My mental age is 6 😂"

Haha xD But I don't think so!"

I took a quiz on what m..."

Those quizzes are bogus xP

[Hallie]

Shine always manages to get me by mentioning Loliepop! And every time I think of jumping off the floor, I remember Kavy. You guys are the only people keeping me alive.

[kavi ~he-him~]

We love you Hallie ^^ we're a team. TEAM GOODREADS

[Hallie]

The thing is I don't feel like a team with anyone except you and Shine right now. And I'm beginning to feel like I'm losing both of you as well :'(

[[deleted user]]

How can you lose me and Kavy?

[Hallie]

I don't know... Just drift apart? You guys might find cooler friends, and eventually I'll be all alone.