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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
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message 25451:
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Hallie
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Jun 17, 2022 02:05AM
The thing is I actually thought about the future for a change and did something towards it, but I don't know why I can't be happy. Like please just let me experience it for once. Please.
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People who don't know say he's just worried about you. Umm... Is that why he phrased it as, "Don't you have sense? I'll kick you." Worried?
And then proceeded to act like nothing happened. As if he didn't just crush every single thing I've spent 10 years dreaming about and 3 years working so hard.
N was scared for me at one point because she was afraid I'd go do something to myself. I want to. I really want to.
My uni (well, my department, to be precise) wants us to retake a round of exams that we already took. I mean, we finished the damn thing, went home, celebrated the fact that we'll only have finals and we're actually done, and the stupid Assistant Director announced that we're all going to have to write it again. They made up some lie about malpractice and kept trying to urge us to stop protesting and just write it. Excuse me, we sacrifice sleep and hallucinate for this. What do you mean "Nothing will happen. Just write!"? I was sick on the last day (in pain, almost threw up, parents freaked and asked if I wanted to skip, also hadn't eaten or slept in days because I was so upset with everything going on in life), and they just said that all that I did needs to be repeated again but with no legitimate reason. A prof unofficially told someone that the final year students will not have to write, but since it isn't official yet, we don't know. I'm exhausted.
I'll probably just go kill myself or something.
Oh, and brother seems to be improving :) He has lost too much weight and isn't really eating enough to regain it, but he actually felt hunger for the first time in weeks yesterday, so I'm counting that as a good sign.
Not sure what to do in life anymore. Might as well die and mark my words, Dad has my blood on his hands.
I haven't felt this lost and hopeless in three years, and this time, I actually did things right.
D keeps calling me to rant about how irresponsible she is for losing the methodology that a different Psychology professor wrote down for her. I'm here panicking - pain, tears, and whatnot - while listening to her say, "What do I do, Hallie? He's going to screw me." Sis please. I've been emailing our unhelpful guide and haven't received a single response so I finished the whole damn dissertation on my own and turns out all of it is a waste because I'm not entitled to happiness in my life.
Why couldn't it have been me and not my brother? I could have just died without medical care.
I just want something that I gives me some happiness. I just want to be not sad. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not even Japanese but I'm soo sad that Shinzo Abe was assassinated today. I was concerned enough when the first thing I woke up to was that he was shot, and I was really hoping he'd recover despite him being in a critical condition. I don't know why but I always liked him, especially when he was the Prime Minister of Japan. I'm honestly not aware of an controversies about him so I can't comment on his abilities as a political figure, but I do recall him becoming great friends with many international politicians (former US President Obama included), and I truly admire him by just seeing how much effort he puts. I think he screwed up relationships with the Kim Jong-il, but the North Korean dictators alone can jump off a cliff for all I care. It's just so sad and tragic :(
Meanwhile, we're having another PM step down because politics...
Also, since I'm not going to be of any use to society, to all those who strive to make do something with their lives, always be in the good books of Madame Tussauds. Kind of savage, lol.
Excuse me, I've had a terrible stomach ache, puked twice this morning, and my headache is celebrating its 6 month in my head. Nothing else is going any smooth at home, so I'm just lost.
Finals Weeks 'cause My Uni is a Pain
I have finals and the first one was chaotic. The invigilator in my exam room was extremely strict, which is fine, but she developed a vendetta against me for no rational reason. She called me out like three times in the three hours I was in there.
The first was when the exam had just begun. I had barely written half the page, and she said, "Sit straight. Sit in the centre." Okay... I tried to follow her instructions even though I was already in the centre and my lower back hurts a lot due to the fact that I've been sleeping on a wooden couch without cushions for weeks, so sitting and doing strenuous activities have been a bit difficult. But it's fine. Examination hall. Later, I guess I unconsciously changed positions and she said the same thing to me again. She believed I was trying to let HR cheat off of me. Umm okay... My final straw was when I was almost done with the paper. I just had two points left to write down, but I couldn't remember what they were. I was trying to recollect them, and had the question paper on the left and my answer booklet on the right. I was flipping through my answer booklet while staring at the question paper while attempting to recall what I read last night, and she literally yelled my name. Now, this lady has never taught me. She has met me once about ten days ago when I was defending my dissertation. The only other time there were instances of my name being mentioned with me physically present before her was today. She learnt my name? What in the world??? It was a nightmare and I wasn't even doing anything wrong!
The bigger story today was one of my classmates getting caught cheating. He actually got caught with little chits with him during our practical exams two weeks ago. The same teacher who caught him then was his invigilator today and he got caught again. She informed the assistant director, and they told him that they cannot let him write the paper, but he is allowed to write the remaining ones this semester. Just repeat this one next semester. He got pissed, started fuming, retorted that he wouldn't write the remaining exams, cussed at the teacher who caught him, stood up, pushed her aside while she tried to explain to him that they will go lenient on him despite his second time getting caught, put up him middle finger at her, and stormed out of the room. The dude is candidly an actual arsehole. I kid you not. The first day of uni, he refused to introduce himself and appointed the person sitting beside him to talk instead of him during the introductory sessions. And one time, HR tried to talk to him, and he said, "I'm superior than all of you on an intellectual level, so I don't want to talk to any of you." We were narrating all of this to one of HR's friends in a different department and he said the obvious: "Yeah, so superior that he needs to cheat."
He was been cheating throughout the semester, so G was actually wishing that he would get caught. She was glad because justice is finally served. My entire class believes he should receive a more severe punishment not because he cheated (that's alright, many of us have and but everyone who has admitted it and even changed), but solely because of the way he treated the teacher. He was clearly in the wrong, so why blame it on her?
I have this as my my pfp on Discord, and this dude there thought it was me. When I told him it's from Google, he said, "Don't lie." Jesus!
Hallie wrote: "Why do I only see a small rectangular box, lol?"its a hug emoji smh lol
Hallie wrote: "I desperately want to move out, but he keeps gatekeeping AND he doesn't want me to accept my offer at City. [spoilers removed]
"
(view spoiler)
Hallie wrote: "I'm not even Japanese but I'm soo sad that Shinzo Abe was assassinated today. I was concerned enough when the first thing I woke up to was that he was shot, and I was really hoping he'd recover des..."oh he was SHOT i thought he just died or something
Hallie wrote: "Finals Weeks 'cause My Uni is a Pain I have finals and the first one was chaotic. The invigilator in my exam room was extremely strict, which is fine, but she developed a vendetta against me for ..."
lol omg one time i did a survey thing in one of the classes of another teacher (we're allowed to do that) and i was told that i can come in and do the survey so i did and after i did my introduction the teacher SHOUTED at me to get out bcause i ddi not ask for his permission??? i swear
edge wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Why do I only see a small rectangular box, lol?"its a hug emoji smh lol"
Ohhhhhh! LOL!
edge wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I desperately want to move out, but he keeps gatekeeping AND he doesn't want me to accept my offer at City. [spoilers removed]
"
[spoilers removed]
"
I have considered it way too many times now. It's intrusive welp
edge wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I'm not even Japanese but I'm soo sad that Shinzo Abe was assassinated today. I was concerned enough when the first thing I woke up to was that he was shot, and I was really hoping h..."Nah, someone used a handmade gun to shoot him.
edge wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Finals Weeks 'cause My Uni is a Pain I have finals and the first one was chaotic. The invigilator in my exam room was extremely strict, which is fine, but she developed a vendetta ..."
Ugh that sucks! Something similar happened to me in high school, too. It's so annoying.
Bruh, I swear, teachers and people of authority -_-
Also, it was my farewell party today. My finals aren't even over, but we had a farewell party.
My second worst nightmare :( Class picture.
Fuck it, my campus is huge and I'm a tiny person. I'm hiding.
Choose the correct answer: Is my deteriorating physical and mental state a product of anxiety, or am I coming down with something?
I mean, I wrote a 3 hour paper in about 2 hours and this is the first one I don't feel completely awful about, but I haven't felt so good since the the morning. So far, it has just been G asking me, "Do you need a Dolo? I can give you one?" and N saying, "See? I told you." I'm not sick but I look and feel like shit. I don't have a temperature, I'm not in severe pain apart from my usual headache, but it feels like I'm dying? And I'm scared I won't die because I don't know what to do if I live.
Picture Day
It has been an awful day. I don't even want to narrate half of it, but I do want to rant about one particular thing. It's bitchy, but whatever.
So a year ago, P called me a bitch and implied that I was two-faced. That I'm nice to other people and rude to just her. That it's impossible to believe how I can be so polite to others when I'm so rude to her. That I act like I hate her but am super nice to others.
Fast forward to a few days ago when my classmates wanted to click a class picture. When someone posted about it, P was the first one to say, "Dude, I was just thinking about this in the morning. Can we do it please??? *puppy face* I'm leaving the area the day our exams get over, so I would love to have a picture with all of you as a memory."
Today was picture day. I finished the exam early, so I escaped and went down to get food with G and another girl - both skipped with me because majority of them hate G and don't know who the other girl is. Guess what I learnt from them!
Both of them are in a friends group chat with P, N2, and two others. Apparently, P was saying stuff like, "God, this is so silly. What's the point of clicking a class photo when half of us don't even care for each other? We have no bonds. Blah Blah. So lame." In the main group, she was all, "Please, my precious classmates <3"
And I'm the two-faced one??? The double standards?? Bruh, everyone knows I'm rude. It's my love language. I'm sarcastic and half the time, I don't mean the insults that I shoot at people. People who actually vibe with me would understand that, but she clearly did not. I'm just really pissed at her hypocrisy. In addition to that, she backed out from the plans she had made with the group of friends I mentioned above solely because I was hanging out with them. She realised I would be there and said, "I'm not coming. I'm full and I'm broke."
Wow.
She (P) sent G a passive-aggressive message saying how she loves her dressing sense, is a queen, blah blah. G rolled her eyes the entire time and didn't reply (as of last night, at least). She spoke about how despite their differences, she admires her and stuff. Funny, because the conversation that led to P and me fighting began with G. P was talking about how G is an ass for not sharing notes and I said, "Well, she probably has her own reasons." And from there the conversation went to how she has no nice friends and stuff. And I'm the two-faced bitch, lol.
Last night, my mum came out to the living room at 11:30 PM (after everyone but me had gone to sleep) looking like a frightened nun at the convent asking, "Hallie, did you just cry?" Apparently she heard a dog or some creature make a noise outside and was adamant that it was me, so she ran out despite my brother saying that he can differentiate between animal noises and Hallie noises rather well. I don't know whether I should be happy or offended by this, lol.
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Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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