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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
In other news, I have 66 responses for my survey. Still need 40 men to respond, and since I have nothing to show off, flashing won't work. The one person it would work on does not study in the country, so he doesn't qualify, but I still kinda want to listen to him talk because he's funny.
I have 69 responses and everyone around me is telling me to close responses right there xD
Hallie wrote: "In other news, I have 66 responses for my survey. Still need 40 men to respond, and since I have nothing to show off, flashing won't work. The one person it would work on does not study in the coun...""flashing wont work"😭😭😭😭 ma'am thats not what i meant
edge wrote: "Hallie wrote: "In other news, I have 66 responses for my survey. Still need 40 men to respond, and since I have nothing to show off, flashing won't work. The one person it would work on does not st..."HAHAHAHAHA
😭well congrats on the 69 responses! i'd do the 40 boy surveys for you if i could (i have a bit to show, but it doesnt mean i would ugh can you imagine)
Hehehe thanks. It's 71 now, so agh, it was fun while it lasted. Lol, I don't even want to imagine!
I should stop saying "I need men" out loud. I got 2 today and N has been pestering random guys she knows to fill.
High Scores
Here is another instance of Hallie getting roasted by her practical coursework for Psychology.
So after Depression, Anxiety, and General Health questionnaires giving me unsatisfactory scores, we were doing our last experiment for the semester (and course) - Youth Problems Inventory. We did the scoring and other calculations before the teacher started asking, "Who has scores between x and y?" When people raise hands, she gives them interpretations like low level, average, above average. The very first domain, which was family life, my score was quite high. She asked who has above 30, and I was the one person raising my hand. She looked at me and said, "Your grade is 8 and you require counselling." Next domain, which was teachers, scores were above average, but acceptable. Next domain, social life - requires counselling. People had already started laughing by then, with one girl saying, "It's hard to believe Hallie is the one requiring therapy out of all of us."
I mean, just because I have my academic life sorted does not mean I have the rest sorted out :/ Anyway, there was only one other guy who kept getting "requires counselling" so the teacher kept looking at both of us. Except that guy is a foster child, met with an accident and was in a coma for a while in the past, had half his faced disfigured during recovery, and had crappy grades in high school due to lack of interest and support from family. By the final domain, I just looked at the teacher and asked, "46, so requires counselling?" Yup. Overall total: The guy had high and me, even higher with requires counselling. Prof started annoying him to talk to someone and I slid away but everyone else gave me looks. Uhh yeah, I'm sort of fucked up. N was legit asking me why I look depressed half the time. Often makes me wonder what they'd have thought of me when I was in high school. At least I like what I study now and don't have toxic "friends". Major upgrade from depressed, if you ask me.
So, I have 89 responses now. I only need 8 female responses, which I can manage unlike the 24 male responses that I need :/
I'm honestly really sick. Fortunately, majority of my classes are over and I only have one (or two) presentations left along with two practical submissions, so I can afford to take days off.
But also, I need to be there for responses...
Why do I only see a small rectangular box, lol?
Some asshole entered random rubbish in my survey again -_- Same dude. Like get a life, man. If he could just fill it once properly, it would have been so helpful for me because I need about 18 male responses now, but no, he had to fuck around with it twice.
My brother is having a surgery tomorrow :( He'll be okay because he's him, but I hate that he is so sick that he even need it :(
My mum and dad are making my already high anxiety even worse, and it's making me break down into tears 24 hour a day.
Hallie wrote: "My brother is having a surgery tomorrow :( He'll be okay because he's him, but I hate that he is so sick that he even need it :("Spent the last half an hour saying, "But nobody told me!!!!!!!!!!!" It's legit 6:40 PM. Why am I only knowing this now?
Hallie wrote: "My mum and dad are making my already high anxiety even worse, and it's making me break down into tears 24 hour a day."And I'm stuck with my dad back home. Mum's at the hospital and brother honestly does not want me around. I spent the weekend and Friday alone at home only to freak out about my dad coming back home and ruining my peace of mind.
I don't even mind being home alone. My anxiety comes from having my family around.
Apparently my brother told my mum not to bring me to the hospital because I'm sick too. Somehow I ended up with parents who don't listen and try to guilt trip me into visiting.
But I don't want to see my brother in a fucking hospital bed with a billion tubes poking into him. I want the guy who lifts him shirt up and asks, "Hallie, do I have belly fat?" and "Do you think I should get a haircut?" and "Isn't this 'fcuk' shirt cool?"
Apparently they haven't brought him out yet so my parent don't know how he is :( :(
Somebody tell me how my brother is :(
Mum rushed in the morning because he had a 103 fever, so I got to uni, called her and yelled, "How is heeeeeee?" It was weird, but turns out it was gone so all's cool.
Hey there! Been so long. How are you? I just read the recent comments you made here. Idk what's happened but I'm hoping it's not as bad :/
Hey!!!! How're you doing? I just have a bunch of stuff going on and it's stressful, but it hopefully should get better eventually. (Long story short: Got into my dream Masters program = Awesome! Not sure how to pay for it = Not so great. Almost about the graduate = Awesome! Exams = Duh Hallie, that's inevitable, but also meh. Brother so sick that he had to get surgery = Awful cause I
I'm going to visit my brother at the hospital. Skipped the rest of my classes (cause literally nothing is going on), and taking a book for him from home.
He's fine :) I walked into his room and the doc was there telling Mum that he is doing fine. And the guy even helped me code some of my data.
The way my dad contradicts his own words through his actions has got to be his biggest red flag.
I desperately want to move out, but he keeps gatekeeping AND he doesn't want me to accept my offer at City. (view spoiler)
Ugh, my Abnormal Psychology textbook triggers me :/ I love Psychology, but I get triggered so often that I won't be able to actually practice as a psychologist. People don't seem to understand that about me for some strange reason (even though literally every screening test shows that I have issues).
Discord Blabber
So, I was studying on Discord when some guy asked if he could join the private channel I was in. I told him that he could and also did not have a problem with him having his camera on. After he was done, he started to ask if I have a study buddy and whether I could study with him. I already do have a pretty decent guy, but this guy kept pleading. Turns out he used to study with a girl with the same name as me in a different server, so now he feels some kind of comfort. *forehead slaps* Well, I'm not letting go of the great guy I have.
Eventually, he texted again and reveals that he is from London. Fuck my life. Then he asked which my favourite place is here, and when I said it's name, he proceeded to ask whether I know two other places - one of which I live right next to. I mean, I can get there in 15 minutes by walk. It's about a mile away from my house. My brother was born there. That place is pretty much synonymous to where I live because everyone at uni know that place better (since it's one of he hubs here) and I live in the residential extension of it. Lol. He then said, "Those are nice places, too." Yeah, I know. I like there, Sir. The second place he mentioned gives me full-blown panic attacks, so no, I don't think it's a nice place. Really congested and has too many bad memories associated with it.
There is more to the story, but the guy seems a bit ugh. "You're different from other girls. I didn't expect this from you" kinda bullshit. And he asked me what psychology has to say about solipsism - whether it is a positive or negative trait, and when I said that it is not a field that gives a concrete right or wrong about a philosophical idea, he legit asked, "Then why do we have criminal psychology?" *forehead slaps again* Dude, that's not philosophical, nor do criminal psychologists determine whether what the criminal did was wrong or right. They analyse, understand, and predict their behaviour and try to understand why they did it and whether they realise that what they did was wrong. He said, "Lemme rephrase that question" but gave up in 3 seconds. Glad he did because he had nothing that made sense anyway.
He also tried to give me backhanded advice, which I certainly did not appreciate. I said, "Oh don't ask" when he asked how life is, and he went all, "Is it too much work? I used to have a lot of things piled up too. You just gotta face it. Blah blah. This worked for me. That worked for me." Dude, I'm so bored I spent the entire day during uni work even though I don't have anything due except for my dissertation, which I can finish in a day. The least insane person in my family is in the hospital and I'm trapped with the most insane person. Then when I said that I didn't like what he was saying (he asked, by the way), he was all, "I thought even you might be going through a lot of things in life, so that's why I just said all of that." I asked him to not to assume what I'm going through, and he was like, "I mean in terms of academics". Bruh, academics is the best part of my life. I love what I study; the work is a lot, but I love doing it and it's extremely satisfying, especially since I no longer have to do Irish. Jeez.
In other news, since tomorrow is a Monday and I'm not going to uni except for exams, what do I eat for breakfast? Scrambled eggs with the wrong proportion of all ingredients except for the eggs, or a pack of chips? Or should I just go to the hospital where my mum will get be an actual breakfast?
I don't know why I'm phrasing everything like this. It seems weird, but I don't know why I'm just not motivated to live again.
Now another guy is moving here in a few days, so he asked me where I live. I gave the same hub as the vague landmark (because of course I'm not going to give the place I stay to strangers on the internet), and he said, 'Near *insert name of place that is 18 miles away?' No sir, that's on the other end of the city...
Hallie wrote: "Hey!!!! How're you doing? I just have a bunch of stuff going on and it's stressful, but it hopefully should get better eventually. (Long story short: Got into my dream Masters program = Awesome! ..."
Hey! I've been doing good. Got married actually. Life's totally flipped around. Kinda trying to get back into reading. I'm happy for you about the Master's program and that you're about to graduate real soon! Wishing you the very best for your exams! They are unfortunately inevitable. And I'm hoping your brother's surgery goes well. Is it soon?
Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Hey!!!! How're you doing? I just have a bunch of stuff going on and it's stressful, but it hopefully should get better eventually. (Long story short: Got into my dream Masters prog..."
Oh my gosh! Congratulations! That explains the absence. Aw thanks!
To-do List (for tomorrow and highly important, Hallie!!!!)
• Vacuum the house
• Finish dissertation
• Make ICT notes
Burger King has awful burgers. Should have gotten KFC.
My classmates are a whole different species. They keep asking me for help with Critical Theory and important topics for all other other subjects (like I would know!) and when I tell them that I've got stuff going on, they can't seem to understand. They were like, "Okay, can you do it on Friday? Sunday? Morning morning?" Like people please, I was in the damn hospital. The amount of pressure they put on my already broken self. Jeez.
Explained to dude that my brother had surgery and hence my life is a mess at home. Dude enquired details and knew what it was... How does that dude know every single thing on the planet? Well, I suppose not every single thing because I'm the one that informed him that All The Bright Places is a book and that it was adapted as a movie, but the number of things he knows never fails to astonish me.
Also, my brother actually got discharged from the hospital the day before the anniversary of when I went to the same hospital. I had a surgery from there (a stupidly minor one, though) when I was 8 on this day, so I remember him doing stuff for me because I couldn't.
Aaaaand since he's back from the hospital, I'm out on the couch again after about 11 days of having the room all to myself. I fell asleep in this corner that my parents think is an odd place for me to fit in (Mum thinks I could just make it a room for myself and Dad keeps searching for me and ends up saying, "Little one, how did you even find this place?" Anyway, I fell asleep there last night and was abruptly woken up in the middle of the night by a seemingly worried mother. She woke up to help my brother with something and on the way to get something, she didn't find me on the couch and went all, "Where on earth is my other offspring??" before remembering my new spot. Needless to mention, she was not happy and chased me back to the couch. I swear she would have carried me there.
I also spend 23 out of 24 hours per day being upset or crying, so ughh.
Since I have an asshole for a dad, I now have to defer my entry to City until next year :/My current uni is also engaging in some really shady crap two months away from graduation.
I got good grades the entire time, did internships, worked my ass off, got into 3 unis into the coolest courses to exist in this universe, and I can't go :(
I've been crying for days and I panicked so bad I could barely speak at one point. I have no idea what to do anymore.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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and your mom should leave your dad (if she wants to, i mean what if she loves him). good luck on the moving out. i hope you find a less toxic place to stay (hide spoiler)]