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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 25251:
by
Hallie
(new)
Mar 04, 2022 06:33AM
N said I was being the same sad bitch as yesterday and gave me a hug.
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For months, D has been fighting with her boyfriend and crying over it. He called her a liar. The girl legitimately cannot lie. Not one bit. She's like my mum - too pure and I don't know... They just speak their mind and don't bother with deception (which is one of the things that gets my mum in trouble with my dad, but I honestly love that about her. It's super easy to trust what they say because they simply cannot lie to save their lives.). So she asked me if I thought she was a liar, and honestly, her tone sounded like he was gaslighting her. The guy is nice and he was pretty good to her, but something just isn't right with their relationship anymore. I told her that his opinion about her shouldn't matter. She hit me with 'But I love him. You've never been in a relationship, so you wouldn't understand.
HR is always trying to keep me company because I'm always so fucking alone and sad.
Also, uni demands that we go in tomorrow even though it's a Saturday. I honestly really want to sleep in, but apparently I can't.
Also, humiliated myself in front of my juniors and classmates this morning, so RIP Hallie.
And I have to write two research proposals by tomorrow.
Hallie wrote: "For months, D has been fighting with her boyfriend and crying over it. He called her a liar. The girl legitimately cannot lie. Not one bit. She's like my mum - too pure and I don't know... They jus..."They fought again and she started crying. She left me alone to leave her, and HR, who had seen her fight on the phone while talking to me, asked why she left. When I explained without the gist, she pretty much said the same thing that I've been thinking. I told her how D had said that I wouldn't understand and she said, "You're right, though. If she's telling you that, then maybe I should tell her 'cause I have experience and she can't use that against me."
ALEX!!!!!!!! HEYYYYY!!!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!!! *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*
How do I politely tell my classmates to leave me the fuck alone?
Like people, please. You're graduating in about six months and you still can't seem to use Google.
"Hallie, what are the assignments? Can you send me a list?" "Hallie, if you find anything on the assignment, can you send them to me?" "Hallie, which textbook are you referring to?" "Hallie, can you show me your assignment for reference?"
I get that sometimes people can miss stuff out and I don't mind helping them out at all. But the thing is that they ask this every fucking time and when I'm struggling to find the motivation to do things myself, it's hard to keep helping them.
Hallie wrote: "ALEX!!!!!!!! HEYYYYY!!!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!!! *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*"HALLIEEE I MISSED YOU TOO!! *hugs*
kavi + alex + noir ~ve|vim~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "ALEX!!!!!!!! HEYYYYY!!!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!!! *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*"HALLIEEE I MISSED YOU TOO!! *hugs*"
HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY IT MAKES ME WHEN I LOG ON TO SEE YOU HERE ^^
Someone please tell D that I'm tired of listening to her complain about how tired I am. Please. I'm not in the mental state to listen to anything anymore.
Also, my Media Management prof is such a pain. She does not know the subject. She admitted it. For the past two weeks, she has been teaching us stuff that we've been doing for the past five semesters and she gave us a history on management with a bunch of names. That's for the School of Commerce. We're the School of Arts, Humanities, and Social Sciences. If I wanted to know about the different types of management, I'd have done a Bachelor's in Business Administration like my fuckbuddy.
Hallie wrote: "kavi + alex + noir ~ve|vim~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "ALEX!!!!!!!! HEYYYYY!!!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!!! *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*"HALLIEEE I MISSED YOU TOO!! *h..."
I'VE BEEN GREAT! YOU??
kavi + alex + noir ~ve|vim~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "kavi + alex + noir ~ve|vim~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "ALEX!!!!!!!! HEYYYYY!!!!! YOU'RE HERE!!!!! OH MY GOSH, I'VE MISSED YOU!!!!!! *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*"HALLIEEE I MISS..."
YAAAAYYY! I'M SO GLAD TO HEAR THAT!!!!
Me? The opposite... Barely surviving.
Just random stuff, I guess
Why does my social circle have such complicated lives?Says me.
Anyway, parents went to cousin's engagement party on Friday and came back this morning. They are so annoying. Also, my mum left her handbag containing her phone, duplicate ID cards, charger and debit card at my uncle's place, so now they will have to send it through the mail. And this woman kept saying, "It's an old phone, though! There's no money in the card, though! I have the original cards here, though!" Woman, why are you like this?!?!? How are you supposed to pay for stuff and how the fuck do you expect me to charge my stupid phone when Dad keeps hogging my charger because you left yours in fucking Wales? -_-
Also, she claims that my cousin looked around asking, "Where's Hallie?" I don't believe her. I legit haven't seen him in at least 6 years. Besides, my brother is closer to his age.
Anyway, on Friday, I went to grab breakfast at the uni food court at 8:15. My first class starts at 8:30 and since my block is a bit far, I was late by 5 minutes (with the rush at the elevator and everything). By 8:32, I received 4 messages and 3 missed calls from my classmates asking why I wasn't in class yet. I' not sure whether I should be flattered or annoyed at myself for this goody-two-shoes facade I have. Apparently D was freaking out because I wasn't there. Except guys, it was 2 minutes... If the professor (who is absolute shit, by the way) wasn't there, I would have walked into class yelling, "People, I'm 5 minutes late. What is wrong with all of you?" I'm pretty sure if SF didn't act like this is the Middle East and actually show up to class on Fridays, she would have contributed to my phone blowing up like that, too. *sighs* I need a drink.
I have a bunch of assignments to finish but I can't seem to focus. I get too restless to do anything, so I haven't been able to do anything.
Broke glass Sunday night. Stayed up till 12 crying while picking up shards.
My life is literal fucking mess right now, and I'm high-key wishing that I get hit by a bus.
Need to go to a dermatologist tomorrow. My skin continues to burn and peel off.
Hallie gets along with most people in class. Also Hallie is always fucking lonely in class.
I went to the derm and now I have 6 fucking medications just for my face... And 3 for hair, which I haven't bought yet. And he recommends a black peel, but I think that's too much money just for my ugly face.
I'm on my way to uni just to submit one assignment and attend one class -_-
Hopefully I can go home after the class so that I can work on my assignments and dissertation.
So, my GPA dropped a bit, but it's still high. A 0.8 more would have made it seem ideal, but I didn't get my best scores in the papers I wrote when I had COVID. It has made me even more upset, but I still have another semester.(Don't know what GPA scales are like around the globe, so I converted my grades on a 10 point scale. I got 8.92 in my fifth semester and I've always had above 9, so that's what I mean.)
Also, I fucking hate SF. Not literally, but her absenteeism makes me feel so lonely and shitty, and while G keeps me company, she is part of the group with P and since I apparently "hate" P (her words, not mine), it's awkward when I'm in proximity with her.
D is also around a lot but I often wish she isn't because she's loud (which is fine, but I've just not felt well enough to handle that much noise around me), and she can be kind of clingy/possessive which freaks me out.
Hallie wrote: "D is also around a lot but I often wish she isn't because she's loud (which is fine, but I've just not felt well enough to handle that much noise around me), and she can be kind of clingy/possessiv..."I've told her about it, but she still often keeps trying to invade my space.
Hallie wrote: "Also, I fucking hate SF. Not literally, but her absenteeism makes me feel so lonely and shitty, and while G keeps me company, she is part of the group with P and since I apparently "hate" P (her wo..."Coming back to this - what pisses me off the most is her dependency. On the one day every week that she shows up, she needs me there. If I'm not in class, she'll text asking where I am. She'll call to say come soon. She'll say she's feeling lonely and bored without me around.
All that is natural because I do feel the same when I don't have anyone I'm comfortable with around either, but also give me a break? I go to uni every single day even though I live on the other end of the city (SF's house is really close to our uni), and she comes one day every week and expects me to keep her company. This is probably pretty selfish and egoistical, but what about when I'm bored and lonely. I can't go home like she can, so when my classes get cancelled, I'm an actual loser on campus.
All of this makes me feel so glad that as long as I don't fail, I'll be done in about 4 months. I like these people and they are sooo much more better than the group I hung out with at my second high school, but I want to leave for my own selfish reasons.
And also I need to get out of my house. I really need to. Either I need to move out, or I need to die. There is no in between.
On Friday, I lost it at D. She does this thing where she keeps saying "Hi Hallie" even if I say hi back. I'm usually minding my own business at that time, so it tends to get on my nerves a bit. Anyway, in Critical Theory class, the professor asked if anyone has read Hard Times. Of course I've read it but I didn't really want to talk. I just kept quiet and she was about to move on when D looked at me and asked, "Have you read it?" I nodded, and this girl legit decides to point at me and yell that I've read it. I quickly told her not to say it and she apologized. Then she looked at me and asked, "Did you not sleep?" I really just wanted to be left alone, so I said that I did and went back to listening to class. At the end of the session, while the professor was dealing with something, I was doing something on my phone when she asked, "Are you fine?" I kind of lost it and said, "I don't want to talk! Please!"I might have been a bit harsh on her because she was only concerned, but honestly, I don't even care at this point. I just can't deal with life anymore.
Later, N, who had been working for some events a uni, came by to give me a hug because "I look dead".
Also, I trimmed my hair at 12 AM. Not sure if it's even. I don't really care. I'm just going to roll with it.
Will Smith slapping Chris Rock at the Oscar and then winning an award is my topic of obsession for the day. I was legit watching the scene on repeat and 15 minutes later, he just got an Oscar. After slapping a guy on stage.
Basically, I cried all night, almost cried on the way to uni, got to class, opened my email, and realized that I had an offer letter from Birkbeck for Investigative Reporting.
Not G saying, "You're the only one to get into uni and be so miserable."
I do not have the energy to be alive today. Too exhausted. Can't do a single thing. Want to die. No energy. This is all that has been running in my head and boy, I feel dead! The last time it was this bad was when I had COVID.
Everyone who has been saying that I look tired/sick/dead for the past three weeks must have jinxed it. That is the only possible explanation. Totally not me staying up late crying and having to wake up early to get to uni across the city, or me conveniently skipping meals, or not drinking enough water, or ruining my own peace by ruminating over stuff I don't need to be thinking about.
ALSO GUYS GUYS GUYS ESPECIALLY LIL AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!! Remember how City University rejected me and I listened to Lil's amazing advice and asked for feedback. They initially did not respond, so I annoyed them with another email and they took a second look at my application. Now I have an interview :) It's on 22nd and I need to prepare so much!!!!
Plans for Easter break - figuring out how not to mess up this interview.
Hallie wrote: "ALSO GUYS GUYS GUYS ESPECIALLY LIL AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!! Remember how City University rejected me and I listened to Lil's amazing advice and asked for feedback. They initially did not respond, so I..."
OMG!!!! I'm so happy for you!!!!
Lillian wrote: "Hallie wrote: "ALSO GUYS GUYS GUYS ESPECIALLY LIL AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!! Remember how City University rejected me and I listened to Lil's amazing advice and asked for feedback. They initially did no..."
Thanks!!! I swear this is because of you!!! *hugs*
Hallie wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Hallie wrote: "ALSO GUYS GUYS GUYS ESPECIALLY LIL AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!! Remember how City University rejected me and I listened to Lil's amazing advice and asked for feedback. They ..."
*hugs back* I'm so glad it worked out!!!
Lillian wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Lillian wrote: "Hallie wrote: "ALSO GUYS GUYS GUYS ESPECIALLY LIL AND EDGE!!!!!!!!!!! Remember how City University rejected me and I listened to Lil's amazing advice and asked for ..."
:)
Still have to do the interview, but I'm glad I got this far.
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