it's personal discussion
300+ views
>
A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 25001:
by
Hallie
(new)
Apr 28, 2021 07:31AM
So many assignments... My head hurts...
reply
|
flag
I dropped the laptop on my wrist (on the bed), and I did not expect it to be bruised like this. It barely even touched me. Not complaining, though. The pain feel a bit nice.
Hallie wrote: "Not complaining, though. The pain feel a bit nice."This is how everyone knows I am supposed to be at a mental institution.
How am I to explain to anyone who asks about this bruise? It's...
I applied to five internships, have one more application to work on, and am 150% certain that I will not get a single one :)
So, through some miracle, I got one of the jobs. I'm going to take it even though it's unpaid because I need that experience on my résumé.
Well, I got another job... I'm stressed already, but I have one more to apply to :)
Am I biting more than I can chew? - yes. Should I stop? - no
Not Sure What To Call This
Last night, I was pacing around with music on when S texted on Instagram. I decided to take some time before checking the messages, but it went on to 8. S usually doesn't send messages in bulk right at the beginning of a conversation, so something didn't seem right. I decided to check what's going on, and I sort of regret it.
Turns out, our classmate's mother passed away. Apparently she had a heart attack. We were kind of close with the classmate and therefore we knew her mother quite well. She was a really sweet woman, and it's just so sad - especially since the classmate was pretty close to her mum. I'm really bad at remembering what people look like, but for some strange reason, I was able to picture her perfectly. I can't picture my own mother that way and I see her every day. S was going on to say a few words about her, and that's when I realised that I had totally forgotten that my classmate had a younger brother. I've really cut off majority of my past, but it still impacts my personality.
Anyway, S thinks we should talk because everything is so overwhelming. This is the third person we know from school that we've lost in the last one year, and I dealt with two other deaths on my own. Three if you count my grandfather, but I did talk to H and S when he was in the hospital with my mum, and I was all alone at home with exams in exactly a week and a grandfather in the ICU. It didn't impact me much because while I did not expect him to pass away then, I still cognizant of the fact that he would not be around for too long since he was already old (and a very lovely man, I must add. No one can ever dislike him, and if anyone does, my *family hating* ass will fight them. Period.)
Now here's the thing - I'm afraid to talk to H and S. With uni and everything that happened over the past one year, while I desperately want to talk to someone who knows my past, I panic just trying to imagine the lives of my friends. It's fucked up, I know, but my brain is super fucked up. I want to talk to them, because in high school, they were the only ones I was comfortable talking to (like when my grandpa passed), but all of a sudden, I don't feel comfortable talking to anyone again. I'm really not sure what's going to happen, but I'm scared.
I got another job :/ What do I do, lol?
Also, S and I might do a research paper or article together combining Law and Psychology. We're waiting for our semesters to get over, but I can't wait!
And while I only have assignments and the final exam left in my Coursera course, two of my applications for financial aid got approved, so now I have 3 courses to finish right after this.
Plus, I have a dissertation and a research proposal for uni along with assignments, presentations, and evaluations. My head is spinning just thinking about it, but I also like keeping myself so busy.
How do I have 98% in class when I've attended all class? xD
I am going to need a lot of therapy to deal with fuck ups that each member of my family did to me.
I will never understand how they actually do it. I'm legit traumatized by so many incidents, and some of that shit continue to occur. It's toxic, controlling, disgusting, and of course, psychologically scarring.
I really, really want to tell someone. There are 3 people I'd feel comfortable talking to about it, but I don't want to bother them (I'm to disgusted by it to tell two of them and I haven't spoken to the third in a year even though I miss them so much).
My stupid ass Googled UCLA instead of UAL. I'm so embarrassed.
Why is the Oxford uni website considered unsafe for my browser?! It's Oxford. I'd give my soul to go there.
I've been looking at unis again for further studies. I still haven't finished my second year, but I want to get in somewhere good and move into a dorm or something.
I don't think I'll get in anywhere, though :( I might have to look into unis outside London, but I still doubt I'd get in anywhere.
DMU only has an investigative video journalism course? Why??? :(
Today has been slightly productive since I finally finished my main piece for one of the magazines. I still need to do one for another magazine, write 3 blogs posts for that one, and decide whether or not to take the third job - all by this Friday. Plus, I have tons of uni work and my skin is getting painfully bad. Send roses to my funeral, if anyone is reading this.
Should I or should I not take that job? I'm not getting paid and it's not in line with my goals, but it could help me with interviewing and pitching stories. Besides, it's on music.
I'm feeling really sick. Not COVID sick, but so physically and mentally tired, head spinning, blurry vision, and nausea.
Speaking of COVID, H tested positive even though she literally never leaves her house. No one else is sick, so it's strange.
Work, Work, Work
Uni is killing me, and I did not need three internships right now. At this moment, no. Hell no.
So I have to turn in my dissertation in less than 2 or 3 weeks, but I'm sort of stuck. I need to analyze, code, and interpret about 60 newspapers. Then I need to actually write the paper. I have this major crisis that I haven't figured out how to solve yet, so guess what's always in my nightmare. I started writing the introduction and methodology, and also planned out what and where I should write stuff, so at least I'll be able to write it fast when I'm done with the analysis.
I thought I'd write the literature review part tonight, but then I remembered that I have a meeting for one of my internships tonight. Fuck time zones :/ I hope it gets over early so that I can work on it. It's at 10:30 PM, and I'm not sure how I'll even manage without waking anyone up, because expect me, everyone in the household sleeps like grizzly bears.
I also have two series of exams next month as well as finals in July (why is it so late? Uni is a bitch -_- ), and I do not know a thing. I planned out the next two weeks to alternate between studying and working on the dissertation, but guess what - my Lit professor gave us our presentation topics. I need to present it on Tuesday, which means I need to read the play and since my topic is on the historical background of the play, do research on that tomorrow. I also just realized that I have to turn in another research proposal next Monday, and the prof might ask us for our updates on it tomorrow. Welp. I'm royally fucked.
I fought with Dad again, so watch me starve while Mum keeps buying and making the food that I like :/
Apparently my grandma thinks I'm still 8. Cute :)She asked my mum if all my baby teeth fell out and have been replaced by permanent teeth, and Mum was like, "Mother, she has two wisdom teeth xD And braces."
I have not eaten a single thing in 48 hours, so this is getting fun. I made myself two cups of iced tea last night, and surprisingly, it was good. May or may not be because I haven't eaten.
I'm down to 6 more papers to write about. I might actually be able to get this done by tomorrow!
74 hours now. I'm still alive, surprisingly. Who would have thought my underweight possibly anaemic ass could live 3 days without food?
I'm so disappointed. I think the scholarship that I applied for is only available for unis in the US :( The assistant director of my department was the one who sent it to us and said that we're eligible to apply, but it doesn't seem like an international one to me.
I am going to fail this semester :'(
I just realized, in the final week of the semester, that we don't really have much in Journalism theory class. What on earth has my professor been teaching that he's behind schedule and hasn't covered half the syllabus???
P just called to devise a plan to not fail the semester, and said that she sent my Journalism notes from last year to our juniors. Apparently they said that whoever made the notes is God xD Kids, she's an atheistic bitch! xD
Hallie wrote: "P just called to devise a plan to not fail the semester, and said that she sent my Journalism notes from last year to our juniors. Apparently they said that whoever made the notes is God xD Kids, s..."Funny this is the last thing that I posted about.
P accused me of being a two-faced bitch. Apparently I'm deliberately hating on her and am sarcastic only to her and not anyone else, so I hurt her and "touched her nerves". She says she doesn't want to tolerate me anymore but simultaneously says that she fucking cares about me.
I asked her what part of the conversation hurt her, and while initially she said that she is not my life coach and that I'm so spiteful that I can't even see what I did wrong, but when she finally told me, it was just frustrating because I said that bashing myself but she took offense of a joke I make with everyone (all the way from H and S back in school). She even made the same joke herself. I was purely disgusted, so I muted her on Instagram, turned off read receipts, and seen-zoned her when she texted me with notes yesterday. Normally, I'd thank the person because I really like thanking people, but while it feels really weird to not do that, I'm not going to talk to her. If she doesn't want to deal with me, she doesn't have to. I never liked getting attached to anyone at uni on the first place. This just proves it.
Excuses
My uni organized a two-day seminar/workshop over the weekend on mental health during the pandemic. Cool, but they made it mandatory for Psychology students. I usually join stuff like this and let them play in the background, but this time, I realized that I couldn't - not without compromising my dilapidating mental health.. I checked the poster and it had something listed on it that made me panic really bad. I've had a history of panic attacks due to that, and it only gets worse every time I think of it. So even letting it run in the background would send me spiraling and I do not have the time or energy to deal with more shitty stuff right now. On Saturday, I checked if I could join and simply mute the incoming audio, but it was a live event and hence not possible. I decided to not attend even though they threatened to count our presence towards our final grades. That is, in no way fair, and I reserve the right to argue if they actually proceed with the plan.
What annoys me more is the fact that at any educational institution here - not just mine - demands its students to reveal personal and private matters before judging it and deciding whether or not to give them some exemption or relief. Until we spill out something we are not comfortable talking about to someone who sits and "evaluates the situation", it isn't considered valid. I wouldn't be surprised if this issue extended even beyond academia into other domains.
I, in all honesty, am not one bit comfortable explaining myself in this situation. I haven't told a single person so far and I'm not exaggerating when I say that it eats me every single day. I've gone to great extends just to avoid the things that trouble me, and all the work I do is to gather up just enough courage to confront and beat it. I know that if I keep working and actually accomplish what I need to do, I will certainly be able to kick it in the ass in exactly 5 minutes. Until then, I simply want to lay low and prepare myself. Should I really be coerced into revealing my conflicts and strategy to someone? No, absolutely not. In this case, I need to come up with a lie that could excuse my absence.
On the other hand, if you think about it, how else would people be held accountable for their actions? If I don't reveal the reason for my specific behaviour, how would we determine what is right and what is wrong in the society? Also, how would we be able to trust people? A rapist could have a 'personal reason' for raping someone (if anyone is going to come at me for phrasing it this way, I would like to clarify that I am, in no way justifying any rapist's actions. I'm bringing to light cognitive distortions, environmental factors such as lack of awareness, opportunistic perspectives such as unemployment, personal history related like sexual abuse faced by the perpetrator themselves and so on that can explain why it was committed, but never as a reason to excuse it), and while revealing or hiding it would never justify it, it would also not serve as an legitimate reason. In another case, if a person commit something immoral and refuses to reveal the reason for their intentions for judgement, wouldn't the world be lacking in a justice system? If a person commits first degree murder because the victim happened to - let's say - date the former's partner after a bad breakup, excusing the murderer without question if they cite the reason for their crime as "personal reason", how is it fair to the victim? Similarly, in the academic sector, if a student/researcher cites personal issues for plagiarism, that would be awfully convenient, too. All of this simply would cause a stunt in the advancement of the society.
However, one thing that is quite evident is that all of this depends on the degree of seriousness of the repercussion of the action. For instance, not attending a seminar would cause no one harm (well of course, if it is by someone who cares for my feedback on the seminar and requested my presence, then they would be disappointed and hurt if I had promised to go and backed out with no warning), but plagiarism would certainly lead be stealing someone else's intellectual property, poses ethical issues, and hampers progress in that field. This is circumstantial and how excuses are to be assessed should purely be based on the circumstance and how the action has an impact on other domains or individuals. It wouldn't be fair to extend the same regulations everywhere.
No idea why I even wrote this and I'm sure no one read it, but I just felt like writing it for absolutely no reason.
that was really well written! your thoughts are pretty interesting
Aw, thank you! I was just rambling on xP
I keep going the extra mile during presentations and while it manages to finesse appreciation from professors, it's honestly a scheme to compensate for my poor public speaking skills xD I stuff in extra, detailed information that will, for sure impress the professors, so that they forget that I've been stammering the entire time.
I did so bad on my tests that I'm terrified now.
Also, my weird Mum and brother decided to order food for us while I was busy, and they ordered fucking mushrooms for me. What magic mushrooms have they been smoking to choose mushrooms for me? -_-
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
More...
