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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 24951:
by
Hallie
(new)
Mar 12, 2021 06:18AM
Work has been so bad lately and they haven't paid me yet even though I told them that they should have according to the contract, so I can't even quit.
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I finished watching The Queen's Gambit yesterday, and unlike SF said, Beth and I are barely alike.
The only thing we do have is common is the affinity for alcohol and drugs.
SF also said that I remind her of Sherlock. Why do I keep getting tagged as the intellectual child prodigies when I'm the dumbest person on the planet?
Hallie wrote: "Work has been so bad lately and they haven't paid me yet even though I told them that they should have according to the contract, so I can't even quit."Ugh still on day 35. Should I deal with the next 25 days, or should I demand my pay and quit?
Hallie wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Work has been so bad lately and they haven't paid me yet even though I told them that they should have according to the contract, so I can't even quit."Ugh still on day 35. Should ..."
Aaaand for the first time in my life, I got a salary. I'm kinda proud at the moment xD
Does anybody know how to forget someone?
20 days. I need to get through 20 days.
I have to give the proposal for my dissertation on Monday and I can't even decide on a topic yet. Nor do I have the motivation to do anything.
Hallie, you idiot, you need all of this to get into City or Goldsmiths -_-
I quit my job :) I just cannot deal with it anymore.
People keep telling me that I have a pretty smile and that I don't show it enough, but I have no reason to smile. I don't even know how to smile.
I really wish they'd all just stop lying to me. Like please, stop giving me those fake compliments so that you can make me feel better for a bit before reality crashes into me.
Morning Call
This morning, P texted me asking for the email to our uni's IT department because she got logged out of her university account and isn't able to reset it. I had the same issue last Tuesday, so since I had gotten it resolved, she wanted to know the procedure.
While I was explaining how ludicrous and frustrating they are, she said she wanted to talk to me and asked if she could call. As usual, I freaked. That girl has got to stop phrasing it in such a way that I feel that all my secrets have been exposed. Anyway, I said I was free and when she called, she started with, "I wanted to talk to you. Yeah, I wanted to talk to you because you're a bitch. You're a badass bitch, so I needed to talk to you."
P.... What the....?
Turns out her boyfriend (well, ex-boyfriend) broke up with her yesterday, so she called me today and told me all about it. It was all, "I wanted to tell you yesterday, but I was crying so bad and I don't think I could have handled you then." Good for you, because after having a hearty laugh at his immaturity, I also want to break the guy's legs :)
In other news, two of my classmates got tested positive, and HR and N usual hang out with them. I'm worried for all of them. As for me, I'm dead inside - as usual.
Uni and Uni
I think I actually had a decent day today. No flashbacks, no crying over things I can't control; I had plenty to distract myself. I should just immerse myself in work from now on. I did have a few brief periods of anguish, but I suppose I could have avoided those if I had done something more productive during that time. I believe uni and academics was what pumped me up. Yes, there were some inconveniences, but I managed to get through them.
It all starts with that fact that I finally got a new laptop. Technically it's Dad's, but he said that it's for both of us, so I'm treating it like it's my own while keeping in mind his convenience when he does use it. We got it yesterday, which was perfect timing because I had a presentation today that required us to switch on cameras. We usually keep them switched off except during presentations and exams. My phone, as I've completed before, has a mind of its own and refuses to work. I'm unable to install any apps and even though I got rid of many other heavy apps and documents, the storage space won't budge. So over the past few months, I've been attending classes through my mum's old phone, and the problem with that one is that it just randomly switches off. One second - the battery shows 100% and the next I get the battery down message before it powers off completely. I have to keep it plugged in at all times, and recently, that won't work either.
Yesterday, I was wondering how I'd be able to position my phone such that I can ensure that it is charging and connected to my headphones with a cord because the Bluetooth in that won't work. Simultaneously, I'd have to deal with my notes for the presentation, too. It seemed pretty hectic, but that's when the laptop arrived. I spent that evening testing its functionality and prepared for the presentation in about 20 minutes. I barely put any time or effort into it.
This morning, after oversleeping and eating breakfast while my Psychology professor talked about the process of labour (my brother was so annoyed xD), I downloaded the desktop version of the app and set up everything. The presentation was in the next class, so I quickly looked through the beginning of my material again before setting up my notes and textbook while the others did their presentation.
I was the last person who was supposed to do it today, so I had time to observe how the others were doing. The girl before me literally just read out the whole thing and my professor was not all that satisfied with that. That's when I showed up to ruin everyone's peace of mind.
My presentation was on Sylvia Plath's The Disquieting Muses. It has 7 stanzas in total, and another girl was assigned to do it with me. She was supposed to do that first three stanzas while I was to do the remaining four. The other girl did not show up to class. I asked the professor if I should just do the first three, but she said that a general overview of those would suffice with emphasis on my part. Fair enough. I began.
I explored Plath's life and her relationship with her mother in brief, and then connected those events that could have inspired the poem. I skipped the details in the other girl's part, but when it came to mine, I decided to give some information that seemed useful from my perspective. I also talked about how Plath's mother, Aurelia, felt about the poem at the end. When I finished, my professor said, and I quote, "More than a presentation, Hallie's presentation was like a proper English Literature lecture. Good work."
I screamed internally. Aghhhhh! It felt so great - not because she praised me, but I was really satisfied with everything that I did. My cam was on and I looked so fucking ugly, but I just enjoyed the whole process. I did get nervous while reading out the stanzas, but it was fine. Usually I detest presentations and always hate myself after I'm done, but boy, this turned out to be my best presentation in my entire life. I'm just so pleased. N2 texted me a few seconds later saying that it was really good and informative. N, being somewhat close to me now, obviously texted that it was good, too. I would have gone into more details, but I'm sure everyone was actually fed up with this. It was still 10 am - who gives a fuck about Sylvia Plath except, well, Hallie.
Elated by that, I was looking forward to doing something productive the rest of the day. I decided to work on my researches, and since I had spoken to one of my teachers yesterday, I was expected to give updates today. The next two hours were going to be for an extremely redundant class on employability. The faculty is just so boring and keeps doing the same damn thing over and over again. It's basically to prepare us for job interviews, but we've been doing the same activity for the second semester in a row. Nobody cares for it and getting credits for it is a piece of cake, so I usually just do anything but listen to her.
Turns out she was sick and cancelled, so I had the opportunity to peacefully work on my researches, but did I do that? Nope. What I ended up doing was blasting music and working on my website/blog. I started making a blog on WordPress to build my portfolio. What I need to make is one that focuses on journalism, investigation, and analysis of current events, but I want to get the hang of this first before diving in to something so intricate. Hence, I'm making one that's more personal with reviews on literature, music, movies, books, and random writings.
Since I could not figure out the theme on my phone, I'm yet to launch it, and as I have a laptop, I realized that I could work on it. So there you go - two hours of Spotify and meddling with WordPress. That was honestly frustrating, though. The music was great - especially since a friend sent me a playlist - but WordPress was being a pain. I want a dark theme, but all the ones suitable for writing in the free version have light themes. There are, of course, paid ones and others that can be installed, but that requires a business plan, which is not worth spending my money on right now. There is one free theme which is dark and can handle writing, so I went with that. Unfortunately, even though I could customize the background as dark coloured, the background of the post itself remains light, and that vexes me so much. While it can be altered by installing a plugin or playing around with the CSS code, that, once again, is only available for the paid business plan. I also can't install SEO plugins, so it's truly annoying. So far, this is what I've figured out, but hopefully I'll be able to sort it out.
Here is the next annoyance that popped up: my skin. My skin has been really bad lately. I've had severe acne, rashes, and dry skin. It's truly horrible and even painful. My skin is literally peeling off and it hurts. I've been applying a medicinal lotion, but it hasn't stopped. It's the reason why I wasn't very happy with having to turn on video for the presentation. Mum and my brother finally saw what I've been talking about for so long. Mum says that she will get to a new lotion to apply whenever the other one dries off.
After lunch, though, I did work on the researches. I was supposed to propose a topic today since my teacher told me how to proceed with my interests, so I spent Irish class looking into it. My Irish professor only taught for about 5 minutes, so I had plenty of time. I was initially going to propose comparing the representation of serial killers in the Netflix series Mindhunter and in news reports, but after listening to her offer tips to find a topic, I reverted to the topic I had thought of but decided not to do for the other research project.
Now, this teacher is really hard to please. She is almost always in a bad mood. That's why I was so afraid to talk to her. Finally, I gathered the courage to put forth my proposal, and she said it was a good topic and that I could move further with it. I need to decide the title now. L also wants to do something in crime, but she will probably look into documentaries or something. At least mine got accepted. Whew!
Hi Hallie! Sorry, it's been a while. Thought I'd say hi :) How are you?
Hey Aqsa! Please don't apologize :) Although, it's been so long that autocorrect doesn't remember that you aren't 'Aqua' xD I've been on a rollercoaster. How about you?
Hey! Hahaha, well I wouldn't blame it lol. Kinda similar, been a weird time. How are you now? I'm okayish and just trying to ease back into this community.
Haha yup. Now, I'd say it's a mixture of freaked out and exhausted. I've been showing up here rather sporadically myself, so I sort of understand. We're glad to have you back, though! :)
Yes, I was actually surprised to not see so many new pages, but kinda hopeful about catching up as well. I barely remembered this group's name, but your thread I remembered. Would you like to talk about that? Seems like a bad combination Thank you, it is good to be back :)
Haha. And aww that makes this thread feel so special :D It's just that I've had so much to do at uni and this online mode gives me extra time to overthink. I try to distract myself with some kind of work, but my thoughts tend to interrupt whatever I'm doing, too, because I get triggered by the most random things. I don't know if I'm being sense, but words, sounds, and activities manage to bring up flashbacks, so I've been freaking out over silly things that somehow make me panic? As for exhausted, I've been trying to do extra work to compensate for the experience I'm missing out thanks to the pandemic, but when one thing I did started out bad, trying to find other ways to make up for it requires more effort and time. But it's kind of the only thing keeping me sane at this point, so I don't mind having to work a bit more harder. I'm actually worried that I'm not working hard enough.Yay!
Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot of the same. Do you think perhaps you need to give time to those thoughts that keep invading and just process them? Or have you already done that? I'm here if you need to talk and let them out this way :)As for the work, that's actually a good way to stay productive and a bit focused elsewhere especially with all the things triggering you. However, it is also vital that you give yourself some room to breathe. It's okay, just take it one step at a time and just allow yourself to do what you can. You will catch up.
Hallie wrote: "Come on, teeth. I'm only 19 and I already got one at 19. We need the ones that already exist to close the extraction spaces - not new ones."
I have all 4 and I'm only 16!!!
I have all 4 and I'm only 16!!!
Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot of the same. Do you think perhaps you need to give time to those tho..."Aw I'm not really special! Yep, I did. It worked when I went back to uni because after a few days, I seemed to be able to deal with them without too many repercussions, but then came lockdown 2.0 that brought it all back. I think there are a few other things I need to try before I resort to talking to others about it, but I do appreciate your caring offer :) Thank you!
Yep, noted! Most of the work is aimed at building a portfolio for my Masters, so I feel this sense of assurance that it could all be worth the effort. Or not, but fingers crossed.
Kaidence "Fuck you, and you, and finally you" wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Come on, teeth. I'm only 19 and I already got one at 19. We need the ones that already exist to close the extraction spaces - not new ones."I have all 4 and I'm only 16!!!"
Whaaaat??? My 28-year-old brother has none xD
Oh, and I love your name!
Mum forgot to wake me up again, so I overslept and woke up just in time for my first class. That ended up getting cancelled, and now there's a huge mess in my routine. Ha fun!
Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot of the same. Do you think perhaps you need to give time..."You've been for me. Your welcome :) Take your time. Lockdown can resurface distress and issues again. I hope your methods works :)
It probably will be, good luck!
Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot of the same. Do you think perhaps you ne..."Lies! xD Fingers crossed.
Thank you!
Oh, have you read anything interesting lately?
The Speaking Horror in a Literature Lecture
Professor: Would anyone like to speak on their interpretation of these lines?
Professor: Anyone?
Professor: Since it's very monotonous to have just one person talking, all ideas and perspectives are appreciated.
Professor: Class?
Professor: Anyone?
Professor: Can somebody respond?
Professor: I'm waiting.
Professor: Class?
Me: Could it be that while doing these, their actions are scrutinized by the society and the media?
Professor: Yes, exactly! *continues to talk on it* Alright, moving on to the next line. What do you think is the meaning of this? Hallie, why don't you give it a try since you got the first part right.
My last surviving braincell: *hangs itself*
Prof, I only spoke because no one else would for an awkwardly long time despite your persuasions and I was afraid you'd lose your patience....
Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot of the same. Do you think p..."Haha, oh you!
Ha, no! Have you? I haven't read anything in a while, and I am currently reading Lore which is now turning out to be a disappointment if it doesn't pick up soon. Any interesting recommendations?
Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot of the same...."xD
Unfortunately, same - nothing in the recent weeks. The last memorable one I read was Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 last year. I actually did have a book in mind that I thought you'd enjoy, but I was in class and I forgot what it was :/ I'll let you know as soon as I remember! Hope Lore picks up soon! I'm going to stalk you for a review.
Hallie wrote: "━━━━━━━━ Let's find a light inside our universe now ━━━━━━━━
━━━━━━ Where ain't nobody keep on holding us down ━━━━━━
I know very few people here; I must confess I'm very bad at making friends..."
I just realized you started this journal on my 12th birthday
━━━━━━ Where ain't nobody keep on holding us down ━━━━━━
I know very few people here; I must confess I'm very bad at making friends..."
I just realized you started this journal on my 12th birthday
Ooh, I personally think that's rather cool! :D Gives the thread something special even though it has quite a lot of bullshit in it.
Orthodontics Ramble
Firstly, notifications being down is pretty annoying. Goodreads usually fixes things like this pretty quick, but it's been going on for days, so I'm assuming it must be something bigger.
Secondly, if anyone is reading this, you're free to stop. I'm just going to be talking about my braces because I've hated them for 2 years, but still have them.
So here's the thing: I was told by my orthodontist that I might get them off in about 4-5 months. This was back in February. Well, not like I have a choice to not continue. I had to get four teeth pulled out, and those gaps are yet to close. According to her, I could get my braces off when they close. I went back in last month and discovered that I was the first patient for orthodontics that day. Cool! Just as I was looking around at the emptiness of the waiting room, the receptionist said, "Now your doctor's name is XYZ. Dr. ABC isn't there." And just like that, my orthodontist left :(
She was pretty nice and always made me feel very comfortable, so I was scared about what would happen with my teeth. I still am. I've had these for 2 whole years, and since I was forced to get them, I do not enjoy them one bit. Of course I want them off early, and now you're telling me my orthodontist changed? And this was her first time at the clinic, so I was legit her very first patient here.
She did give me power chains, which certainly did hurt for days and made my mum panic because I kept having headaches (she was worried I got COVID). I actually did want power chains, though, since they do quite a good job when it comes to closing gaps. It's been almost three weeks and my next appointment is in 11 days, but I like to believe there has been a great amount of progress.
For starters, the top right extraction gap is so tiny. It's there but it's almost not there. Just a little bit more and the teeth will be touching. I'm pretty sure the power chains are responsible for that. Similarly, the lower gap also seems to have gotten smaller. The top left gap is probably around 2-3mm wide, but I'm bad at judging spaces, so it could be more or less. The bottom right gap is the one that is closing the slowest of all and even the teeth there seem to have moved pretty well owing to the power chains. I heard that power chains lose their power after about a week, so the magic has slowed down over the past two weeks. I still have a little more than a week before I go back, and hopefully, I'll get new ones again that could close the top left one and bring the ones to the position this one currently is in.
I'm so ready to get them off.
My clases got suspended right in the middle of one of the most boring and redundant class we have because one of the directors of a different department passed away. We were doing this dreadful task on identifying our strengths and weaknesses for job interviews, and I was dying when she said, "Did you guys receive the news? Dr. *insert name*, the director of the school of EE (what is this course called again?) passed away. Classes have been suspended."
Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to deal with a lot..."Thank you, I will check it out :) Haha, let me know if it comes back to mind! Yes, damn, Lore got so unbelievably intolerable in the middle, but thankfully it has picked it. The protagonist is just so unstable and hard to connect to. Haha, please do! This gives me a solid motivation to do it :)
Yes, Goodreads notifications have been really annoying as well lately. I wonder if it has to do with the new changes they are trying to introduce.Aww, that sucks. It does sound scary. It is hard to trust another dentist just like that. I've never had them so I'm not so sure, but this sounds good that those power chains helped speed the process. Do you feel positive about them now? Good luck with your next appointment :)
Oh no, that's sad :(
Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Aqsa wrote: "Well, you're so special, how could your thread not be? It makes absolute sense, I completely get it, I've had to ..."Cool :) Definitely!
Aqsa wrote: "Yes, Goodreads notifications have been really annoying as well lately. I wonder if it has to do with the new changes they are trying to introduce.Aww, that sucks. It does sound scary. It is hard ..."
It could be. Many have been complaining, so hopefully they will find a fix soon.
Indeed it is, since even though the new one is equally as competent (or at least I like to believe so), she does not know of my history (or any of the other patients for that matter). It does seem like she is doing her best to understand and take note from the other doctors at the clinic, who know the dental history of my entire family since we've always gone there, so I think it should be okay.
Yup, power chains are perfect for these. The only concern would be if it is too powerful, which could end up damaging the roots, but it's pretty common for people to get it because in most cases, it's fine. Although to answer your question, nope - still hate them xD Sure, I'll have a better smile by the end of it, but I personally thought the bad smile was just a natural part of me and never really had a problem with it. So I guess I'll never actually be completely happy with them.
Yeah :( I learnt later than at least three people who work at my uni passed away in the past three weeks. Fortunately, no students, but honestly, except for the security and higher-authority board members, majority the other staff members, the umbrella under which all these deceased fell under, are the coolest and most understanding people I've ever known. It's pretty sad we're losing the good people in society.
I just applied for financial aid for more courses on Coursera when I already have two in progress. I should really finish those as early as possible. The new ones are on Python, which is usually a part of engineering and applied sciences majors, but I've always been interested in coding, and it would definitely help in my field, too. Also, I sort of want to compete with my brother because he works with Python 24/7 and thinks it's the only valuable skill in the world.
I swear the media in this country -_-
When I'm having a bad day, I really do have a baaad day.
My journalism professor tried making small talk with me; I died internally.
Alex!! Heyyyyyyy! How've you been??
Hallie wrote: "Alex!! Heyyyyyyy! How've you been??"i've been great!! what about you?
That's awesome! I'm miserable :') It'll be fine, though.
My results finally came out and fuck - I did not expect this! I actually passed all my classes, and my grades are pretty good. My lowest, surprisingly, is in literature, but I'll make sure to not run out of time this semester.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
More...
