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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 24751:
by
Hallie
(new)
Sep 26, 2020 10:05AM
My front tooth has a cavity :/ I noticed it months ago and told my mum, but she said I was being stupid and that's how front teeth are supposed to look like. I told her so many times and she never listened. I'll need to get it filled, of course, but I'm just upset that it's in the front. I don't even understand how that happened - especially because I always brush and floss twice a day :(
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And I finally got those elastics, so that's fun. While it is making my mouth sore, for now, it's a lot less painful that I expected it to be. I guess I've been preparing myself for so long that I expected way worse.
I'm also very, very stressed out about my exams starting Monday, and everything is so hard to deal with.
Sorry about all that, Hallie. I hope you're okay though!
Ugh it keeps getting worse, but I'll just deal with it.
"When this Corona shit is finally over, let's go to Vietnam. Do you like strip clubs? No? Okay, them we're going to a strip club."- N, late at an ungodly hour when we have class early in the morning
Flashbacks
My anxiety is getting worse the longer I'm forced to stay at home. My dad started emotionally abusing me again yesterday - once again, not my fault, which he would have realized if only he had paused to think and apply some common sense. This time I got super mad and yelled back, and even though I had figured out what the problem was and how to solve it even before he realized there was a problem, I was a little late and he started yelling that I was irresponsible and made stupid claims. So I told him to shut up. Just shut the fuck up because he had no fucking idea what I had done and not done. My brother came over, arrived at the same conclusions as me and said, "Papa, think for goodness' sake."
Now Dad never bothered to apologize, as always, and is pretending nothing happened, but I'm having severe physical symptoms along with flashbacks and the inability to feel anything but pain.
My exams got over on Wednesday and they were terrible. The whole online exams idea was so chaos chaotic and I could have done so much better. They stressed me out so much sound and that added to the other problems I had was already getting too much. I was hoping to be able to relax after it, but hours after I was finally free, I was delivered more content for upsetting flashbacks by my brother. The next day, my dad did the honours. Last night, I got into a debate with someone who might be my senior from uni on Twitter, and while we both only disagree on a part of it, I was kind of worried. It turned out okay, though, and my friend was really pleased with the way I dealt with it. That extended till the morning today.
It's also S's birthday, but the poor girl has a quiz while I somehow managed to get a long weekend from uni. One of her friends from A-levels contacted me because she and a couple of people from S's law school, wanted to make a video for her with her closet friends and she remembered H and me. We didn't do it, though.
Basically, been having bad days.
Uh, idk if you remember me..?But hi?
Deepthi!!! Hey! Of course I remember you! How have you been?And Alexxxxxx! Hey!!!!
Ummmm..... I'm starting to doubt that these elastics aren't working. I know through multiple sources that they are terrible, but they aren't terrible at all for me. My mouth was a little sore on the first day, but after that, everything was fine. Nothing hurts. No pressure. Nothing.
I know it's been just a little bit over a week, but I don't feel anything. Am I just lucky?
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
I just realized that my uni decided to conduct a physical graduation ceremony. They decided to delay it just so that our seniors don't need to have a virtual graduation ceremony.
Of course not everyone, but it looks like they tried their best.
Uhhhh okay, I'm starting to consider taking loans to get through uni. My parents are going to kill me for thinking about it, but this is getting way too out of hand.
We have to take the Rosenberg Self-esteem questionnaire for Psychology, and my stupid ass got a score of 1 :/ Apparently we have to discuss these scores in class.
And that Mac decided to act up again even though I've only had it for two weeks, so it's back at the store again -_-
I have an interview later today, and I'm freaking out so much!
I mean, I was jobless during the entire summer and now, when I'm having a meltdown 24/7, I have two places shortlisting me.
Can someone please shoot me in the head? I'm the world's most stupidest person in spite of not being a flat earther.I have a webinar today and I scheduled the interview at the same fucking time :/
And I'm so scared for the interview. Why can it not be written? I mean, it's content writing. Assess my writing?
And it had to be during the weekend, didn't it? The very time this whole fucking family decides to annoy me :/
It's over. I doubt I'd get the job, but it went better than I thought it would.
I just know it. I know I'm going to die soon.
Cause it hurts so much and I can't breathe.
Hallie wrote: "I just know it. I know I'm going to die soon."me too
Anyways, hi!! It's been awhile, how are you???
Erin! Hey! It has been quite a while. I've been pretty drained mentally lately, and it's turning into bad physical symptoms. How have you been, though?Alex!!!!! I miss you too! My brother was talking about the US elections, and every time Texas came up, I'd go, 'That's where Alex is from! I wonder how they are.'
Honestly, I feel that so much and I really hope that things become better for you because you really do deserve to be happy and just okay overall. I've been pretty okay although I keep trying to avoid dealing with my derailing mental health by throwing myself into my job so not the best XD
Aw thank you so much! You deserve the same, too.I've been doing the same, so I feel ya. I hope things get better for you as well.
I've been sick for about 2 or 3 weeks straight now, and I'm so done with life.
Docu-drama
Every introvert's least favourite activity at school has surfaced in my life - group projects. My department usually tends to give us individual assignments, but occasionally we end up with group projects, too. Now usually those are also evaluated individually, but we officially ran out of luck there.
For journalism, we're supposed to make either a short film or a documentary as group of 4 or 5. Someone invited me into their group because I talk to exactly two people in the batch of students I can choose from and N as well as P are in a different batch. I knew one girl in the group and I managed to get my other friend into the same since she didn't know people to form a group with either. My lovely teammates believed that making a documentary is simple, so that's what we're doing. Things went silent for a week and a half before I finally mustered the courage to ask what we're going to do it on.
Well, that went splendid. We decided to appoint a leader to organise and lead, and that's when the girl who invited me to join said, "Hallie will do it." We decided to schedule time to discuss after our class, and even though two people had some unforeseen events that prevented them from joining, the girl I mentioned earlier (let's call her AP), when asked about the leader, once again said, "I think Hallie is the best." Even though I have no qualities of a leader. Even though another girl (D) is more dynamic and persuasive. I'm guessing the reason she insisted that I should be the leader is that I'm one of the toppers, so I'll actually have an idea as to how we should be doing this.
And turns out I'm the only one who bothered to do some research. I get opinions from the other two, but I feel like they are trying to take the easier path to just make a documentary. We decided that the topic would be mental health, so I said that we should probably incorporate some interview style techniques.
D said that we can't do interviews, so we should just focus on presenting information like reasons for decline of mental health so that we don't get judged. AP made a valid point that we might be able to do better on environment than mental health, and if we're not going to go creative and do a small interview, then she is absolutely right. If our only purpose is to disseminate information through narration, then we shouldn't be taking a topic on human interest. Mental health is more personal and making a purely educational documentary on it would be an absolute waste. Documentaries usually tell a story; it is a non-fictional film that dramatically documents reality. If we do what D says, we're just making an educational film - just a couple of extra elements thrown into our Psychology teacher's everyday class with PowerPoint presentations. I think I need my teacher's help to explain this to her, though, because I don't want to be imposing.
Also, I already hate being part of a team. I watched a couple of tutorials as well as documentaries, and I feel like I'd be able to do better alone, or maybe one other person if I want to be creative but not show my ugly face. I know camera work will be a hassle, but I'd be able to work with a storyboard and have better control over the outcome. Same goes for editing. The reason this is getting hard is because we are not at uni, and are stranded in different parts of the country. D and I are the only ones in the same city. If we could meet up personally, then it would have been a lot more easier to coordinate, but stupid COVID simply had to mess up our lives.
Aside from that, I'm still sick. I'm supposed to be studying right now, but my head is spinning too much to read from the annoying PDF I have for a textbook. And my cousin is coming over in four days, so that is going to be interesting. I'd like to quietly drop dead, please.
Part 2 of my classmates are on crack:"I'll do the voiceover. Hallie can also do it."
Haven't you heard me speak?! My voice sounds like an annoying toddler. How people's ears not exploded hearing my voice is the biggest mystery in the world?
Although now there's a whole argument over the topic -_- This is why group assignments are a pain.
Ah, my dear friend Hallie. It has been quite awhile since I've seen your comments, I wonder what you've been up to! Reading all of the things in the time I was absent I see quite alot! I'm glad to see that life is still playing with you like a kitten with a feather. In a good way of course, the kitten is very interested and wants nothing more than to pull everything together for once! :)
Heyyyy! Some of my favourite people!I haven't been on lately. I've been a super bad wreck for ages now, and I'm so exhausted. I'm not sure how to continue life, but I also kind of enjoy education and the people at uni. I have this major inferiority complex because I never really wanted to go to this uni, but I also don't think I'd have survived this pandemic without the people I know from this place. So living in a conundrum with constant stress and coursework and anxiety.
Also, I yelled at my dad the other morning and the rest of my family was so proud. He was being insane and unreasonable, so I got extremely angry. A bit too angry because he was legitimately ruining my life. Not the 'Dad, you're ruining my life by not letting me go to my friend's place.' Like literally making decisions would have significant impacted the rest of my life without my consent. He wanted me to repeat my whole second year at uni so that we could go to his hometown (which everyone knows I hate) while he stays back here and works. Basically, no legitimate reason. We can't go because I have classes to go to, so his *solution* is "You knows what, Hallie, repeat the year which you worked so hard on. It really doesn't matter if you lose a year, have to pay the fee again, struggle through this semester and the next all over again, not graduate with the only people who actually attempt to tell you to stop giving up on your life, just to go to a place where all your relatives will bitch, annoy, and spread fake rumours about you because they don't like the fact that you are your mum's daughter."Like wow, Dad. I told him he could go die in his hometown but to leave me out of it. I should have added, "Are you in drugs? Do you need help?"
This happened in the early hours of the morning. I woke up, yelled at him before he went off to work, and went back to sleep. Later, I heard my mum tell my brother, "Hallie gave your father a good dose today, and he totally deserved it. I just stood there letting her because it was so necessary. Like who tells that to their daughter? That's just absurd." And my brother agreed that my dad was being stupid. Everyone I told this to fails to see reason on my dad's side. I mean.... Should I get my dad to do s drug test? I've always believed that he wouldn't drink or do drugs no matter what, but I can't think of any other explanation.
Also, I need to get a cavity filled tomorrow. It's kind of a rare case and even the dentists couldn't recognize it as a cavity. Or understand how or why it happened. There's a theory, though. Basically, I'm scared :/
And that documentary thing is going down the drain. I really hate group projects -_- It's due tomorrow and it's a whole fucking mess. Everyone keeps saying, "Oh Hallie, you've done a great job at pre-production!" But they didn't bother to actually follow everything I did. Instead, they just bitch about one team member to another, and I'm so sick of it. If only we had the choice of doing it alone; I could have done so much better. Now I'm going to fail :(
Hey Hallie 💜 how are you doing now?
Oops careful there Alex! xD *hugs back* How have you been?Hey Delphinia! It's been such a long time! I've been sick and stressed and sick and stressed. No big deal. How have you been?
It feels like Goodreads has gotten a little bit of its life back ever since Lillian came back :D
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Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
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