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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
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Hallie
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Jun 15, 2020 01:41AM
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How did you spend your quarantine?Screwing my sleep schedule, being a mess, and listening to my brother repeatedly say, "What the fuck?"
But then, one day, Professor, I spent the whole day trying to get an obstinate bitch to understand that getting affected by society's harsh remarks is not a weakness (but according to her, it is, but mental illness isn't), and that giving up is not a weakness. Bitch claimed she has experience and since she got through it, everyone should because 'mental illnesses can be cured and weakness cannot' and boy, her entire view was fucked up!
Like bitch, I'm majoring in psychology. P backs me up. V backs me up. People who actually know shit back me up. So just shut the fuck up and listen.
I told her to educate herself, and she's like, "I have all the knowledge and beyond."Uhhhhh... Clearly not, because people like you are the reason why society's so screwed up.
I'm in the final episode of 13 Reasons Why, and I accidentally spoiled it for myself. Now I'm more mad and upset than I was.
I've been saying this for the past four years now, but I need help, yet I don't want to get it.
That sounds so annoying smh.I hate getting into pointless arguments.
It sure was.Me too. Unfortunately, I tend to get sucked into them way more often than I wish.
Snacks and Gifts
I'm not sure if I mentioned this before (I have a feeling I did), but during the first couple of weeks at uni last year, I didn't make friends. I vehemently refused to make friends. A few tried to get me to talk, but I sat in the back and read during all my free time, ate lunch alone, hung out with myself, and blah blah blah. So on the first day, we were doing introductions, and I saw this group of "cool people" and thought to myself: "If I'm making friends, I want to be friends with those people."
Of course, that didn't happen. That day, there was a book being passed around for us to fill in our contact details. Someone passed it to me and told me to pass it to the next row of students. There was one of the "cool kids" sitting there. She was really badass with amazing people streaks in her hair. All I had to do was go to her and tell her, "Please pass this over to those who haven't filled it," in my most calm and confident voice. As I got near her, I was so intimidated that I dropped the book in front of her and ran back to my seat in the corner without speaking. And eventually, I was pretty sure I earned the hate of the cool kids because I did well in Literature.
I was even paired up with the girl later in a class for a group project. I was still so intimidated by her that I couldn't bring myself to ask if she needed my help with the chart she was making even though I wanted to help. I was pretty sure she didn't know me even after it was over, and while working with her, I was sure she hated me. However, during our second assessments, she came over to me and asked if she could borrow enough money for a cup of coffee and was friendly to me. Just a little while later, I heard her screaming from outside the exam hall (I was inside) at her friend, "I don't have cash. Why don't you understand?! If not for Hallie, I wouldn't even have this coffee."
I moved on, and it was soon October, a day before our athletic meet. This uni takes sports and athletics rather seriously, so I'm told we have this pretty grand. The members representing our school were too little, so many begged everyone in our class to join during practice. The sports coordinator was so humiliated that he locked himself up in a room for hours after seeing that there was no one willing to march. I was in Irish, so I got there late, but when they started practice, I joined and marched. The teachers saw me and others and were pleased, but disappointed in the ones who didn't join. So the next day, our director made it mandatory for every single student to take part unless with a legitimate reason for not being able to. By the end of the first day's practice, I fell sick. It became worse the next day, and the event was going to be on the following day. My mum was getting implants, so I went to uni anyway so not to be a bother at home, but asked my teacher if I could sit out of practice and just support them from the stalls. She was fine with it, and my friends pretty much made it clear that I wasn't going to take part since I was pale and red and dizzy and boiling. We went down and were waiting for orders when the "cool girl" randomly started talking to us. At some point, she said, "Hallie looks like she's thinking, 'What the fuck am I doing here?'" And proceeded to tell me how disastrous her day was. She couldn't attend class because of some issue with customs, so she explained that. Once again, I moved on from that.
One month later, during our practical finals, I was waiting for SF to finish her viva so that we could grab something to eat when the cool girl (from now on, referred to as N), once again began to be friendly to me again. This time, she was genuinely curious about me, and tried to get me to open up and whatnot. The next semester, she got even more close. I initially thought she was doing it just because she knew I was the topper and needed my material, but eventually, she would try to mingle with me a lot. I fell sick again in February, and she immediately texted to know if I was okay and why I wasn't in class because I'm always in class. She got me tea sometimes, talked to me often, and through quarantine, became my ideal friend. A lot of people ask me for help because they think I'm smart or something (pfft lies), but she is the only one aside from P who helps me out through simple ways. One time, I gave her my answers for a hardcore paper, and she immediately told me not to waste my time doing the softcore one because she was already doing it and told me that she would it to me when she was done. And she did. She sends me memes, makes sure to ask if I'm okay, often texts to make me less lonely, and is one of the cutest people on the planet. I keep laughing at how frightened I was of her, and when I told her, she burst out laughing, too.
She finally managed to get back home to her family after three months of being stranded in London, and I'm super happy! Yesterday, she texted to ask what I like because she wants to get me something from there. Today she made my day. The conversation went like this:
N: My mum likes you.
Me: She knows me?
N: I told her about you and showed a picture of you, and she said you look pretty and that you're nice.
N: But she said you're getting too thin. She thought you're from elsewhere. So she said she's going to make snacks for you when I come back.
Is that mother not the sweetest person on the planet?! I swear N totally deserves her! Really, that was just so sweet. Whenever I tell my mum about my friends and show her what they look like, she points out how the flaws that I have are perfect in them. I mean, two years back, I showed her a picture of K, and she said, "Oh, let me look. Her teeth are straight! Look, they're perfect!" Geez, thanks for pointing out that mine aren't, Mum! N's mum, on the other hand, seems so pure and awesome! And N is a sweetheart!!!!! I could die now!
I really want this COVID-19 shit to end so that we can finally go back to uni! I think it'll help take my mind off the things that are bothering me, and people like N always help me distract myself.
Good for you! N sounds really sweet, and I'm happy for you. :))
Where do people get cute clothes from? I don't like buying clothes, but I'd love to ditch the t-shirts for something more comfy and cute.
How about I drop out of uni and make alcoholism my career? I do have more potential.
It's my cousin's birthday!!!!!! :)And Ariana Grande's birthday!!!!!!! :)
And Blackpink is having a comeback in a couple of hours!!!!!! :)
June 26th usually has all the best things every year!
Phoenix!!!!!! It's been so long!!!! How are you doing? I've been having a major existential crisis, but whatever - I'll deal with it. Hope things are too bad for you.
Hallie wrote: "It's my cousin's birthday!!!!!! :)And Ariana Grande's birthday!!!!!!! :)
And Blackpink is having a comeback in a couple of hours!!!!!! :)
June 26th usually has all the best things every year!"
There's a spoiler, and Jennie already sounds amazing!!!!!! Aghckckckhfkdgdjdkdhdvdjjdjdkd!
Pleaseeeee! I want this song before I die!!!
Well, I can't say I'm satisfied, but I suppose it's still better than terrible. Hope things get better, though, cause you, my friend, deserve only the best!
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
I just use meh for anything tbh
1. Need alcohol.2. Need alcohol.
3. Need alcohol.
4. Need to hang myself.
Luck and Luckier
Yesterday, I was on my bed reading by myself as my brother was doing something for my dad on the computer when Dad walked into my room and say beside me. I continued to mind my own business, and all of a sudden, he grabbed my foot and inspected it. Crazy! It's not like I have overgrown toe nails or anything because I cannot stand overgrown nails. He held my foot and said, "Small toes."
And that's how I know that my dad's old and is becoming senile.
He let go of my foot and grabbed my palm to inspect. Then he mentally compared it with his before saying, "According to astrology, you're lucky."
What do people do with old, senile grandparents again? My dad isn't a grandpa, but he's getting there.
In other news, I have a rash on my arm, and conveniently lathered it with cold cream, only to realize that it had expired. Lovely! :)
I'm bored, so I typed 'How to be cool' on Wikihow, but ended up clicking on 'How to be a cool loner'. Minus the confidence part, and turns out I'm already one.
I've been feeling like I'm on my period. Like I smell period blood all day. Except my period got over last week, so it makes no sense.
Hallie wrote: "I've been feeling like I'm on my period. Like I smell period blood all day. Except my period got over last week, so it makes no sense."Help with this? I already feel like shit. I don't good at all with this added....
Dream Friend
It's been one whole year, and I've finally got WiFi back! I finally don't have to worry about conserving my data. Woohoo!
Anyway, last night's dream was weird, but I want to write it down because I can't remember the last time I remembered what I dreamt about.
It didn't have much at all. A friend and I were out having dinner, and a random guy came over and started hitting on me. Someone yelled something and I woke up, but I was getting a lot of strange compliments. What's weird is that I don't usually get dreams like this, and I don't know who that friend is. I have no idea what her face looks like, and I don't think she is anyone amongst my current set of friends. That's what bothers me - who is she? I know it's got to be someone I've seen in my life, but who?
N texted last night asking if I was fine because I haven't texted at all for a while. "Once in a while, text me so that I know you're okay."
My mum legit told me to cut my hair. Not as short as I'd like, but there's hope. And it's reallyyyyyy necessary because my hair is so dead that my split ends have split ends :/
What the fuck?!?!? I think I have my wisdom tooth growing -_-
I've got fucking braces to fix my teeth because there wasn't enough for the ones that I have to grow. Now there's more coming?!?!
Now that's one more thing to stress about :/
In other news, today's my dad's birthday.
No, my dad turning old doesn't distract me. Do I need to get this tooth extracted? Can I let it be? Ughhh
I thought I'd ask my brother, but turns out his never erupted..... And he's eight and a half years older than me, so when I asked him, it got awkward for him.
If my calculations are right, I got 51 out of 60 in my Irish finals, which is decent considering how I knew absolutely nothing and sold my sanity to start and finish the entire thing on the last day. I'm not sure what my final grade will be, but I'm glad that I'm definitely going to pass that class now. Just 6 other classes to worry about.
My appointment got cancelled again... Fuck you, coronavirus :/
Updates!
I cannot deal with life anymore. Brief highlights of a small portion of what's been going on the past few days.
• My mum sprained (I think? Everyone knows Welsh is not my strongest suit) her back and was sick, and of course she'd go all, "I'm dying! Oh dear, I'm dying!"
• Obviously, my dad was an absolute asshole the entire time. He kept ordering me around to do stuff for her even when he was closer and had absolutely nothing to do. Then he kept yelling at her. And the hypocrisy went to such an extent that he said she didn't sprain (or whatever that Welsh word is supposed to mean) her back, but suffers from gas because she puked. The next morning, he changed his *well informed* diagnosis to high blood sugar levels (even though my mum has never had high blood sugar levels and she knows this because, unlike him, she does a checkup at least once a year). He legit said, "What do you know?!" Like my mum doesn't know what's going on in her body.
• A lot of screaming. A lot of fucking screaming and yelling. I swear I spent most of my time trying not to cry and running off before I broke down because I'm not allowed to have feelings in this household. No kidding - quoting my mum, "Hallie is the only one doing anything for me. All you do is yell."
• Anxiety attacks, anxiety attacks, and anxiety attacks.
• We had a quick meeting to check in at uni. I really want to go back.
• Owing to the pandemic, the internship requirement for credits has been scrapped, so we need to do two fucking online courses from that annoying portal which has nothing but the most boring courses. While the courses are actually pretty interesting, the instructors are terrible at presenting and the content is really redundant. The same courses would be better on any other platform, but this one is terrible.
• The wisdom tooth/braces situation isn't going good at all.
Why is my Instagram recommendations full of mental health posts? I don't even search for posts like that, but somehow it's flooded with posts on anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, and help resources.
Hence Disproved
The number of backlash I receive every time I say that I don't like my parents is hilarious. Nevertheless, I'm never going to retract my statement: they are controlling hypocrites. My mum is better, but my dad is the worst. In his mind, he is just omniscient and uses his past to establish that he is superior to everyone. He isn't. No one is. Yet he conveniently twists words, gaslights and emotionally abuses everyone in my family. There are times when he is right, but his tendency to force house lifestyle and opinions on everyone takes away any credibility. Today, I had the perfect opportunity to call out his bullshit, but I didn't - because I know it would have been futile since the guy can't admit, for even a split second, that he is wrong.
This is from page 493 of this thread. On April 7, I was pissed at him for this:
Yes, I have terrible sleeping habits now, but my insomnia is a lot better than it used to be when I was really little. I had so much trouble falling asleep when I was 4 or 5. It was so bad I used to cry for no reason just so that my vision would go blurry and finally black before I fall asleep. My parents hated me for that, but they never once tried to understand why I did it. I legit used that method to fall asleep for years before I once got punished by my dad. Shortly after that, I got a pillow that I always slept with. It just made it easier to fall asleep; no need to cry. I've been taking it around everywhere I go for more than a decade and today, he just tells me to get rid of it because it "has insects inside it and causes my colds because that's what the doctor said". I'll tell you the real reason why I fall sick: I fucked up my immune system (story which people are familiar with) and every time he clings on to me when he is sick, he passes the disease to me. Every single time because I always fall sick right after he falls sick. Coincidence? No.
Why is he such a fucking hypocrite? :/
I still struggle. I've been a total loner since I graduated from school 1. School 2 had been hell for me. I repress most memories from those two years because I can't deal with them. This thread saw me break and change to someone owing to the people I hung out with. I went from 'Ew cigarettes. Why would anyone ever want to smoke? Makes no sense and the health hazards! Oh my!' to "Fuck everything. I need a fucking cigarette and ten bottles of whiskey." I was unofficially told by the experts at the mental health institution here that I suffer from severe anxiety, which doesn't surprise me whatsoever. I owe every single friend I made on Goodreads because they were the only ones I could call "friends", aside from H and S, who only know half the story. I was very lonely outside my life here. I developed trust issues and didn't want to repeat the mistakes I made during those two years so I refused to make friends at uni for a while. It was crazy - people tried talking to me, but I was so hostile and simply refused to go further. It took a while, but I think I've started making friends. I'm not sure if they'll last because I never got close enough to figure out whether or not I should call them my friends. I'm still invisible there and I'm still known as the loner who is always reading. Sure I chose the lifestyle and I'm not going to complain about it because at the moment, it feels perfect for me.
Trust issues - that can fuck your relationship with people. I'm always afraid to seek help because people have harmed me whenever I begged for help. The past bothers me a lot. I overthink and overthink. I stress over the events in the present. I'm terrified of the future. And I keep all of this inside me. Sometimes I yearn for something to hold on to when I'm losing my mind, tossing and turning on my bed late at late hours. Just a hug. One hug. One little hug. I don't even know how to hug because I rarely ever get to hug people (my dad's strangling doesn't count). So just one hug.
That's what Cuppy was. A stuffed giraffe I use when I'm extremely lonely. Just holding him for a while gives a small sense of comfort and relief that can break the flood of thoughts in my head. I'm not completely dependant on him, but when things get bad, little things help. And, of course, the pillow is an absolute necessity that allows me to get those few hours of sleep every couple of days. So when my dad told me to get rid of it, I was obviously annoyed - especially after remembering how he had treated my childhood insomnia.
What I've been doing for the past three months is hiding it - just like I have to hide everything that matters to me, because if not, they will take it away from me. Anything I like, anything I'm interested in, anything I'm passionate about - they try to destroy it, so I keep secrets. I hide so much that I'm a whole different person. Anyway, what I do is wrap it in my blanket and leave it as a messy bundle on which I sit/rest on the entire day. He thinks I got rid of it, but I just hide it from obvious sight.
A little while ago, I was casually existing in the kitchen, and Father Almighty (geez, how do people think I'm Catholic?) walked in and said, "Your cold is now gone, right?" My mum began to say, "But she never even had-" Dad interrupted and said, "It's because you ditched that small pillow thing." And then proceeded to explain how little things like that will make a huge difference and that the bacteria/insects (he is yet to decide which) was the cause of my colds. It's gone now because I don't use it.
Joke's on him because I use it every fucking night. He walked out for a minute and my mum was like, "But you sleep with-" "Yeah, exactly."
I never had chronic colds on the first place - at least not since I started uni. The last time I actually had chronic colds was in year 12 when I was stressed and done with life. Mind you, neither parents did anything to help, and I was a 16 year old idiot who couldn't go to a hospital on my own because they'd ask for an adult. I don't even remember how I recovered, but that was followed by other strange health issues I can't figure out even to this day.
The last time I fell sick was in January, and that was right after my dad himself fell sick. It was also pretty cold and I was outside a lot during that time. I was perfectly fine halfway through February. I've had occasional visits from allergies during quarantine, but never a cold, so he doesn't even know what he is talking about. He made up a non-existent condition just to impose his draconian rules in this house.
He thinks he proved himself when in reality, I disproved him. I should have done it - exposed his bullshit and hypocrisy. I regret not doing it. The words were burning in my mouth, but I shut it tight. "Come on, I've got to show you something." I could have taken him into the bedroom, revealed the pillow under the blanket while my brother stares and Mum grins. "I sleep with everyday and you said so yourself that I've recovered from something I never had on the first place. I haven't had a cold in nearly five months, but I sleep with everyday. There are no insects or bacteria crawling into my nose, Dad. Just nonsensical bullshit that you think is right but is just your hypocritical opinion. So stay the fuck out of my lifestyle choices."
But then it's a terrible situation and N, the only person I'd want to crash with even though I'm not extremely close to her, is back home with her family up in the North of the country, so I can't afford to get kicked out right now. So yeah, I shut up. One day, though, I will. One day. Maybe I'm person, maybe through text, maybe over a phone call, maybe in a suicide note - I'll call him out.
I can't decide what online courses to do, and I'm supposed to fill it out by this evening. I'm nowhere near close to figuring out what to do.
My results came out - I got perfect scores in 7 out of 10 subjects. I'm not the topper this time, but I do still maintain the highest GPA for the year.
I..... Did not realize we had an assistant director in our department.
Since when? Questions me, who has officially completed one whole year at uni.
I had a panic attack the minute I realized that results were out, and I still haven't calmed down even though I didn't flunk anything.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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