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[Hallie]

Dad: Thanks to the lockdown, everyone staying inside is very healthy.
Me *with crippling anxiety and depression, trying not to cough*: Mhmmm

[indi ♡]

omfg that's a whole ass mood

also I'M RELATED TO WALT DISNEY WHAT

[Hallie]

Wait, what?!

[indi ♡]

yeah!!

[Hallie]

Walt Disney is related to the Queen?!

[indi ♡]

no, no! i'm related to both of them through two different ancestors lol. i mean, if you dug deep enough, they probably are related through a different ancestor as well!

[Hallie]

But if they both have you as a common relative, so in some complicated manner, they would be related to one another because you're a link. That's what I meant.

[Hallie]

People are insane -_-

[Hallie]

Survey Time

I'm going to do one of the surveys that I did back when I first started this journal to see how many things have changed. I've changed a lot and I know that, but I do think I might end up surprising myself. Previously done as "Surveys at Dawn".

• How are you, really?
Terrible.

• How do you feel right now? What are you thinking about?
I feel like I should drop dead this instant, so well, thinking about how to accomplish that.

• What’s your favorite dessert?
I don't have one.

• How old are you?
18.

• What have you learned today?
Uhhh that while writing a CV, one should be professional and factual?

• What was your favorite subject in school?
English!

• What do you do?
Uni.

• What are some of your favorite books?
To Kill a Mockingbird, Harry Potter, Divergent and so on

• What are some of your favorite movies?
The Shawshank Redemption, It's a Beautiful Life, Spirited Away.

• If you were going to write a book, what would you call it and what would it be about?
I'm not sure what I would call it, but it would be about the dirty politics of a magical kingdom.

• What’s one of the scariest things you’ve ever done?
Tried to off myself. It's not as scary as being alive itself, but it was still so scary.

• What accomplishment are you most proud of?
Topping finals last semester.

• Are you married?
No.

• How did you meet your spouse / girlfriend / boyfriend?
I don't have one.

• Do you think it’s better to get married when you’re young or better to wait a while?
Wait a while.

• Do you have any kids?
No.

• Have you ever thought of adopting?
No.

• What do you do for fun?
Read, write, listen to music, watch whatever I'm in the mood for.

• Do you like traveling?
No.

• If you could visit any country in the world, where would you go?
Japan, Singapore, Canada, Australia.

• Who are some people you’d like to meet someday?
A lot of my friends on Goodreads.

• If someone asked you to give them a random piece of advice, what would you say?
"Please, for your own good, don't. I give terrible advice."

• What’s one of your favorite habits you have?
I don't think I have one.

• What are some things that make you really happy?
The right books, the right songs, perfect grades.

• What are some things that make you really sad?
Everything.

• What are some things that scare you?
Life, heights, enclosed spaces, confrontation, public speaking, commitments.

• Do you like to plan things out in detail or be spontaneous?
Spontaneous. Planning never works for me.

• Are you a religious person?
No.

• If you could go back in history, who would you like to meet?
Sylvia Plath.

• Would you rather live in the country or in the city?
The city.

• What was your life like growing up?
A mess.

• What were you like in high school?
A silent and dumb nerd, I guess?

• Do you have any brothers or sisters? How many?
I have one older brother.

• What’s your favorite part about today so far?
Today sucks, so nothing.

• Who in your life has influenced you the most? How did they do it?
You know, I can't pick a single person. So many people have come and gone, and in that course of time, everyone has played their part in influencing my life.

• What’s your favorite joke?
I don't have one.

• Have you ever tried sushi? (Did you like it?)
No, but I hope I can one day.

• Do you like spicy food?
Yes.

• How do you like your steak cooked?
I don't eat steak.

• Do you have a favorite number? Any particular reason why you like that number?
9, because I was born on the 9th.

• If you were a type of animal, what would you be and why?
I don't think I could ever be any other animal.

• What’s one of the strangest things you’ve ever done?
I have an endless list, but the one that strikes me the most is throwing a knife at the wall.

• What kind of vacations do you like?
I don't know.

• What are some of your major goals in life?
To become a crime journalist and make lots of money.

• What are some of your smaller goals in life?
Oooh, to build up my writing page and put out my songs for the world to laugh at.

• What do you like least about yourself?
Everything.

• What embarrasses you?
My existence.

• If you could try out any job for a day, what would you like to try?
Music artist or a crime investigator.

• What’s your earliest memory?
I can't remember.

• What’s the best decision you ever made?
Opting for the majors I'm doing at uni.

• Who’s your best / closest friend?
Uh H and S, probably?

• What do you think people think of you?
That I'm a bitch, but a smart one. I agree with the former, but the latter isn't true.

• What were your grades like in school?
Decent.

[Hallie]

I just updated my keyboard, and I regret it.

[indi ♡]

aww, poor hallie ):

is it okay if i rant here? i'm stressed the fuck out and i need someone to talk to

[Hallie]

I'll get used to it xD

Sure! You can also PM me if you want.

[indi ♡]

okay so i'm just gonna put the whole thing in spoilers, cause there are some things that could be triggering to people, and i don't want to trigger everybody here.

***trigger warning: mentions of rape, pregnancy scares, and female anatomy and menstruation***

(view spoiler)[

so. i was raped in the beginning of march. i've had an iud since november, and my rapist was my ex-boyfriend. i'm not going to go into too much detail about that evening, but i know he didn't use protection--he never did, since i had an iud and he claimed it was fine.
i was technically supposed to get my period a few days later, but i remembered my doctor had told me that it was normal to miss a period here and there on the iud. i had missed my period in december, due to the fact i bled most of the month of november, but that was normal too.
fast forward to the beginning of april. i start my period, and it's normal for a week. it tapers off, i think i'm done with my period, and then it comes back a few days later. i've now been bleeding for two and a half weeks, which has never happened before. my period is like clockwork--my cycle is 29 days and i only bleed for a week.
what really threw me off was the inconsistency of my bleeding. some days it was medium, other days it was nonexistent, and other days it was heavy. again, it had never happened to me before.
then yesterday, i woke up to a sharp pain on the left side of my uterus.
i called my ob/gyn office, talked to the nurse practitioner, and basically she said to keep an eye on it and go to the emergency room if my symptoms got any worse or if i started bleeding heavily.
i did my research and it turns out that if you're showing the symptoms i am and you have an iud, most times it means either the iud is misplaced within the uterus or you're pregnant. and since i was raped a month ago, there's a major chance i'm pregnant.
most women who do become pregnant with an iud show symptoms like me--they miss the period that falls after they become pregnant, and the period after that lasts for a few weeks and is inconsistent in its bleeding, and there's typically a sharp pain--not cramps--on one side of the uterus.
if you become pregnant with an iud, there's also a 53% chance of it being an ectopic pregnancy, which is where the fetus begins developing outside of the uterus, and it can lead to severe internal bleeding, organ damage, and even death.
so i've been really anxious about this, as one in this situation may be. i'm 18, i'm a senior in high school, i have my whole life ahead of me... and i could be pregnant. my boyfriend has been my rock--he knows about what happened to me, and he continues to support me and promise that no matter what happens, we'll figure it out. i don't want to be pregnant yet--i wanted to wait for a while before i have kids--and i really don't want to be pregnant with my rapist's child. i know that everything happens for a reason, but i'm terrified. i told my mom this morning and she said she'd get me a pregnancy test on the way home from work, but it's still scary. i just don't know what to do.
anyway thanks for coming to my tedtalk xx

(hide spoiler)]

[Hallie]

Oh fuck :/ I'm so sorry.... I do hope things work out well!

[indi ♡]

yeah... it's really really hard to deal with and i'm just terrified right now. plus i'm in a ton of pain and i have work at 10:30 until 4 and i don't even want to go because of how badly i hurt.

and i really really love my job, so the fact that i'm in enough pain to not want to go to work is saying something.

[Hallie]

I can imagine. Maybe you should take a day off for the best?

[indi ♡]

yeah

i went in to work and talked to my boss and she sent me home cause she wants to make sure i'm okay and since i'm already immunocompromised she doesn't want me to get covid-19

she did tell me that i could talk to her about anything if i needed to though, so that was really nice. i could tell she genuinely felt bad about sending me home, but i understand it.

anyway. i'm gonna go rest up a bit since i feel lightheaded and dizzy so i'll be back later lol

[Hallie]

That's good. Take care!

[indi ♡]

so mom scheduled a lab for me at 1:30 (to see if i am indeed pregnant) and i'll be seeing my gynecologist after, seeing as either way i need to get my iud removed.

i despise needles and i'm terrified.

wish me luck...

[Jon]

((I am sorry but I am not sure if I am allowed to just text in your journal out of nowhere, Hailee. Do I need permission or some special status? *looks at you*))

[Hallie]

Elizabeth, agh sorry I'm late. My brother and I spent the evening trying to figure out how to get real food, so I forgot to check. Hope it went well! I have needles too, so I understand why :(

Jon, oh yeah sure! You don't need permission or anything (that would not work out well with me xD). Feel free to comment whenever you want to :)

[indi ♡]

so it's been like eight hours since i got home lol but i've been busy.

so i'm not pregnant, it's not anything serious. there is still pain but they don't know what's causing it. i have an ultrasound scheduled for tomorrow.

i'm still really upset though because i called my boyfriend after i got home, and then he started working on taxes cause adulting. i understand that. but then he must've played some games or something and then gone to bed, because he hasn't texted me since like... 8? and now it's 11. so i'm here, stressed out because of the day i've had (i had labs done, a really painful pelvic exam, found out i wasn't pregnant, etc. it's been a rollercoaster of emotion.)

the weird thing is that he always calls me before he goes to bed. no matter how tired he is. and he didn't do it tonight, so i got concerned, so i messaged his mom and she said he had gone to bed a while ago. i know i'm overreacting, but we call every single night without fail, and i've been on an emotional rollercoaster today, so i really wanted to call.

needless to say, i'm exhausted and have been crying for a while and i'm upset and hurt and exhausted but i know i'm not gonna sleep unless he calls me. so here's to an all-nighter...

it would help if i had at least somebody to call, but i doubt anybody would want to call me when i'm such a mess.

so i'll be on and off for the rest of the night, if anybody needs me.

[Hallie]

That's good, but since the pain still persists, I wonder what is causing it :/ Hope you feel better soon, though! Hey, you've been through a lot in your life, and you've bravely fought against all of them. You'll get through this too! :) Sorry about your boyfriend not calling. Maybe he had a reason? I wouldn't really know. Albeit I do hope you can rest soon. It wouldn't be good to stay up all night. *cough cough* Hallie *cough*

[Hallie]

On a completely unrelated note, how on earth did three new people view this thread?! I'm sorry for them.

[Jon]

It's okay, you don't need to feel sorry for me, Hailee. XD It's a nice place to have found. No regrets whatsoever.

[Hallie]

I'm not so sure about that, but pleased to me you :)

[Hallie]

To-do List

• Complete Communicative English assignment on The Open Window - due tonight
• Complete Literature assignment on Wollstonecraft - due Friday (and send to L)
• Communicative English assignment on idioms - due Saturday
• Journalism assignments: PPT - due Saturday and critical essay - due Monday
• Read The Mysteries of Udolpho
• Finish Origin
• Practice guitar
• Get some real sleep because you look like you've been doing drugs for the past one month, Hallie
• Study!!!
• Update writing page
• Send notes to D

[Jon]

Haha i see symptoms of not having the highest self esteem :-P

[Hallie]

Turns out it takes 2 seconds for people to figure that out about me.

[Jon]

Only a particular category of people, I guess. It's just about observing the similarities really m

[Hallie]

Oh no, it's pretty easy with me. It really doesn't take much.

[Jon]

Aw. I hope you can find people who'll raise it exponentially!
Just btw, i envy the fact that you're so organized as to have a To-Do List. It's very impressive.

[Hallie]

Haha futile attempts have occurred.

Well, it's just so that I stay motivated and don't forget what I need to do xP

[Jon]

Haha oopsie, but that's better than no attempts whatsoever. :-P

As I said, it's awesomeeeeee.


Could you tell me if Alex has been online lately?? Or Lys? Do you know Lys? I'm asking because it's been years since I talked to them and 'back in the old days', they used to be one of my closest friends ever, that is before I decided to delete my GR account 2 years ago.

[Hallie]

I actually think it's worse than no attempts.

xD

Alex comes on sometimes. They will definitely love to see you back :) They'll see your message soon, but I don't know when. I don't know who Lys in, though.

[Jon]

Aw but making an attempt can go both ways, no? The best someone can do is hope that it goes in a positive direction, rather than a negative one. And the fear of it going negative is probably what makes you wanna stay in this.... zone of low self-esteem that you are used to. But how do we move towards success if we are too afraid to fail?

((and now I'll shut up, I am not sure if you'll take kindly to some random stranger advising you about stuff after generalizing it :-P I'm sorry about this outburst of apparent wisdom.))


And oh okay okayy. I hope they do see my message. I am not sure they'll recognize me, though, because I change my name so much, sometimes it's something related to Harry Potter, sometimes Percy Jackson, sometimes Game of Thrones. So... It's hard to keep up. I am very indecisive.

[Hallie]

I beg to differ. Since we know for a fact that nothing is going to change, that would be a waste of time and energy.

I'm sure Alex will, but I hope the other person does too! Haha I can relate.

[Jon]

But are we sure? How? And why? Because it's so normal? I mean.... I get that it's rooted in place, sort of, and it'll take more energy and time than usual, but if someone's willing to try, my friend, isn't it their energy which is being used? What if they believe that you're worth it, even if you yourself don't?

Haha samee. Now that I think of it, I think, when I left, a couple of years ago, this journal of yours was still very much in existence. And I am remembering it sort of. Or maybe it was some other Hailee. XD I used to have my own journal here too, you know.

[Hallie]

As a matter of fact, we are sure. That's how things just work with me. I'm an obstinate person, so I can tell you for a fact that some things will remain the same no matter what. Well technically, time and energy will be wasted on both sides. I actually meant the other party when I said that in my previous comment, but looking at it, it's a waste on both sides of the fence. So even they believe I'm worth it, their belief is wrong, and in a long run, they will realize it's not and will regret having wasted their time and energy. The right answer here is just don't try; it's redundant. No amount of time and energy wasted will change anything.

I honestly had no idea who you were before you left, so I don't know... Well, if you're confident of the spelling, then it could be a different person because mine is spelt Hallie, and perhaps even pronounced differently.

[Jon]

Hahaha well then, Ms. Obstinate, maybe you won't even realise that a change is underway, until it longer is.
I think you are underestimating all the good hoomans' ability to care.

I am genuinely sorry if I am being rude or inconsiderate, or just creepy. I won't feel slighted if you tell me to shut up/get out. So please do make it clear if I am being one of those things.

Haha okay okay. My name used to Albus Perseus Jackson (or something of that sort) and my journal used to be 'After All This Time?'
And no I am not confident about the spelling, but yes maybe you're right.

[Jon]

And oh my god, you have Zuzana and Loliepop in your friend list!

[Hallie]

Ah no, I also know that can't happen with me. I just know myself better than anyone else.

Oh that's fine! I'll let you know if you ever happen to cross the line.

Hmm... I don't really remember talking to you. I mean, I knew of your existence, but I don't think I've spoken to you before.

Oh yeah! Haven't talked to Lolie in a long time, though.

[Jon]

Haha okay okayyyyy. If you say so :-P

Thank you, that's very generous of you :-) I wouldn't wanna offend you or anyone unknowingly and have them hold a grudge because I stupidly didn't realise it.

Okay okay. Makes sense. And same. I think I knew of your existence too haha.

Okay okay. If you knew Lolie when she was here, it's awesome. I talk to her every couple of days. She misses Goodreads. The old days.

[Hallie]

xP

I understand, and anyone can inadvertently do that.

Haha

Oh cool! I hope she is doing good!

[Jon]

Exactly, anyone can.

Yesss, she's doing amazingly. Back when she was here, I was just a 15-16 year old lol. All of us have changed so much.
Were you a part of the Taco Chat?
And it's nice talking to you :-)

[Hallie]

Mhmm.

Lovely! :) I was 14, so I know what you mean.
No, I wasn't.
Weird.... I mean nice talking to you too :)

[Jon]

Haha nice okay xD
Oof haha sorry :-P

[Hallie]

:D

[Hallie]

To-do List

• Complete Communicative English assignment on The Open Window - due tonight
• Complete Literature assignment on Wollstonecraft - due Friday (and send to L)
• Communicative English assignment on idioms - due Saturday
• Communicative English assignment on CV - due Saturday
• Journalism assignments: PPT - due Saturday and critical essay - due Monday

• Read The Mysteries of Udolpho
• Finish Origin
• Practice guitar
• Get some real sleep because you look like you've been doing drugs for the past one month, Hallie
• Study!!!
• Update writing page
• Send notes to D

Reposting since my annoying teacher added more assignments are ruined our peace of mind.

[Hallie]

I really need to go to the dentist, but I can't. Thanks COVID-19 :/