A Solivagant on the Inselberg Showing 24,101-24,150 of 25,493

[[deleted user]]

*group hug*

[Empress X]

*hughughug*

[[deleted user]]

*hughughughug*

[Empress X]

*extrahugsforgoodluck*

[[deleted user]]

*extraextragoodluckhug*

[Hallie]

😶😶😶

[Hallie]

I just want to die right now.

[Hallie]

I didn't go to uni today because we're celebrating an asshole's birthday there, and I hate that man too much to stay back for 6 more hours for his bullshit. I also regret it, and both sides of the fence are danger, so I'd just like to drop dead.

[Deepthi]

Um... Hallie... could you come online in Discord...?

[Hallie]

Yeah sure.

[Hallie]

I'm done.

[Hallie]

Low blood sugar? High blood pressure? Low blood pressure? Anaemia? Stress? I can't figure out.

[Hallie]

Or did that fever do more harm?

[Hallie]

Am I just relapsing again?

[Hallie]

I can't afford this.

[Hallie]

I can't afford crashing. No, I can't crash right now.

[Empress X]

Hi, do you need someone to talk to?? *virtual hug*

[[deleted user]]

*hugs*

[Hallie]

Thanks!

But I don't think it will help to talk, so I'd rather not bother anyone.

[Hallie]

Give me a break...

[Empress X]

Okay. Hope things get better. 😊

[Hallie]

Thanks.

[Empress X]

You’re welcome. :)

[Hallie]

Fuck you, Mum.

[Hallie]

Fuck you.

[Hallie]

I was talking to F outside my Irish class when someone came and said hi to her. I've legit never spoken to her the past semester even though she and I had been in the same group for some presentation, so I wasn't going to bother, but then she greeted me and shook my hand.

So I told F that I didn't realize she knew of my existence, and she was like, "Dude, everybody knows you. You're the topper. Your name is too popular right now."

[Hallie]

[Hallie]

I slept for more than 12 hours, and yes, that is weird because I'm an insomniac who doesn't sleep well.

[Hallie]

I just got on my Instagram account and deleted all photos with me in it because that's how much I hate myself.

[Hallie]

Like I can't stand my ugliness anymore.

[Hallie]

Did I mention that theatre classes suck at uni because he makes us jump around and dance?

[Hallie]

I spend most of my time questioning whether I entered the right class.

[Hallie]

Theatre

I swear the instructor keeps getting weirder and weirder.

On the first day, he made us walk around at different speeds and said, "You know how paintings are so colourful? I want your introductions to be colourful. Talk about your happiest and saddest moments."

And yes, I fabricated some stuff because there is no way I'm telling a group of strangers that when I popped an entire packet of pills into my mouth and downed it with a bottle of cough syrup that had another packet of pills dissolved in it so that I would die, but that moment when I woke up and realized that I was still alive was the saddest thing I had ever experienced.

People talked about their whole life story and P even mentioned how she was diagnosed with clinical depression, but I said the vaguest thing ever.

The guy got even weirder the next class and began teaching dance steps, and it just did not work with some of us. As if I'm not already failing this class...

Oh, and one of the introductions was interesting, though. This guy doing a computer science major (I think) talked about how his happiest moment was even he first did weed and continued to talk about his time at rehab (which, according to him, was just a meeting place for drug addicts to get more drugs). While he was talking, a classmate beside me told me that the situation reminded her of AA meetings, and holy fuck - she was right! He concluded saying that he had stayed clean for a year now, and everyone started clapping while she and I just stared at each other because the resemblance was uncanny.

Oh, and that instructor is just soooo weird.

[Hallie]

P's cousin committed suicide and she's devastated while I don't know how to help. It's her birthday tomorrow, and my plan was to annoy her, but that could be too cruel right now.

[Hallie]

P: *desperately tries to find my writing page on Instagram*
Me: Just give up already. You won't find it.
Friend 1: What are you searching?
P: This woman's page.
Friend 1: I'll help.
Me: Still won't find it.
Friend 1: Trust me, I'm a good stalker.
Me: Lol, I've been hiding myself all over the internet for the past ten years. You're too predictable for me.
Friend 2: Both of you are searching, so I'll help too. Check her private account. She must have followed it.
P: She hasn't.
Friend 1: Bitch.... Hasn't followed her own page.
Friend 2: What the fuck, Hallie?
P: Just tell us already.
Me: Now why would I do that?
P: I give up.
Me: For once she has done something smart.
Friend 1: Okay fine, I quit.
Friend 2: Gah it's impossible to find! I can't do it anymore.
Me: :) :) :) :D

[Hallie]

I keep thinking today's Sunday.

[Hallie]

I'm so ugly :(

[Hallie]

I wish I could be pretty :/

[Hallie]

Ignore This

Things that I wish I had:

• Straighter hair: The truth is that I actually have straight hair. When I was younger, it was really straight, but thanks to school, I was forced to braid it every single day for 10 years. Due to that, my mum started forcing me to wear those braids even at home, so now she won't let me walk around without them. I hate those braids, so I always wear my hair in a pony when I go outside, but she complains about that, too. This braiding thing gave rise to beach waves or whatever you call it. I hate these waves - not only are they annoying, it's really hard to tame my hair. It just pisses me off so much. I want that straight hair back :/ Also, the baby hair really annoy me, so I actually want to be able to let down my hair because it's both comfortable and makes me feel a little less crappy.

• Less acne: "It's just a phase. Everyone gets acne." Here's the thing - I've had acne since when I was ten. From the looks of it, it seems like a hormonal problem because natural and topical remedies never work. Trust me, I've tried. My stupid mum, once again, keeps blabbering about turmeric, but all that does is make my face all yellow, but has absolutely no effect on the acne. And these things hurt. They pop and bleed even if I don't touch them, and they never actually heal. They stay beneath the surface of the skin in such a way that they appear to be there, but I can't do anything about it.

• Bangs: I did have fringes, but they grew longer. I really, really loved that hairstyle - no matter what bullshit my bitch of a mother kept talking, so I really wish I had that, maybe in a style even better.

• Straight teeth: Well, I do have braces and my teeth are looking a lot better already, but I do wish I get those straight teeth soon without braces. This is the only thing that does not seem impossible because I really can see and feel my teeth aligning, and my orthodontist is usually pretty pleased with how it's working. A lot of people at uni often ask why I have them on the first place because, "Your teeth look fine." So I'm not really worried about this.

There are also things that I'm fine with, like:

• Weight: People body shame me a lot. Every single day, there is always someone who points out that I'm too skinny and that I don't look like I eat. Well, fuck them. I'm fine with my size and weight. Sure I need smaller clothes, but hey, I can crawl into tiny spaces. And I'm not that short either, so I can still reach bookshelves. Maybe I'm all bone, but I'm fine with it. It doesn't bother me at all. Joke's on you :)

[Hallie]

One of my classmates legit gave me the number of a therapist who works somewhere near my house even though I told her I would never go. She just thinks it's a good idea if I need it.

[Hallie]

And I do need it. Except I won't do it.

[Empress X]

Honestly me.
Like it’s probably good for anyone but I wouldn’t dare. :p

[[deleted user]]

Hello

[Hallie]

Empress X, oh lol.

Hey Faith!

[Hallie]

I just had to clean the campus with some of my classmates. My friends had fun, but I wasn't even supposed to be there.

And one of my classmates randomly talked to me again - mainly because she wanted my notes because somehow my popularity when it comes to notes has increased owing to the title of "topper". She did buy me a cup of tea, though, and I really needed that since I'm too broke to buy one for myself.

Except, this was what happened in the past. All of this - having friends, trying to get along with people - that's what fucked up my life before. I could feel anger and anxiety while I was in psychology today, and if I hadn't already been familiar with what she was teaching, I would have lost my shit.

[Hallie]

I get to be a lonely, insignificant piece of crap for the rest of the week :)

[Hallie]

I feel so drained...

[Hallie]

We're going on an industrial visit tomorrow :)

[Hallie]

I have a really bad feeling about it, but it's a newspaper publishing house, and I do want to be there.

[Hallie]

Hallie wrote: "I have a really bad feeling about it, but it's a newspaper publishing house, and I do want to be there."

My prediction skills scare me.