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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
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Hallie
(last edited Oct 23, 2019 03:48AM)
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Oct 09, 2019 01:01AM
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So we're having mental health days today and tomorrow, and I volunteered for psychometric tests that we're conducting tomorrow. Not sure what made me volunteer, but I've always wanted to experience performing tests on people, so hopefully I'll enjoy it.And we have a flash mob today for suicide prevention so we get to watch that.
And apparently I didn't do that bad in my Literature paper. I'm third highest, but the teacher understood that I ran out of time. She said I wrote plenty for the first answers that I attempted and only couldn't do the last one.
So we need to wear white tomorrow as part of the psychology department, and I just realized I don't have many white clothes. There's one, but it's more of a journalism themed one.I'll probably have to wear my hoodie from school, but it's only half white and has the logo in front, so everyone will get to know I went to that fucking place.
F is more concerned about Coffee Boy than I am, and both of them are chastising me for being a nonchalant bitch.
Even though I haven't actually talked to him for a week.
I was studying for my lit test when he texted and began to tease me with something I texted, and I told him to shut up (teasing of course). He actually shut up. So 😅 I do not know how to handle situations like that.
Hallie wrote: "Phoenix!Sara - Haha yes xD I still stand by that, though ;P Good! That way you can get rid of the phonies. Uhhh.... *laughs nervously* There isn't really enough tea to spill."
Don’t we all... I just feel cleansed now from all the fakes LMFAO. Same everything is so dry nowadays - tea wise lool. Nothing interesting is happening ;-;
Alex ~They/them~ ~Annabeth Chase and Alex Fierro are the best~ wrote: "sara wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Ugh I have to wait till tomorrow to go :( And I'll probably have to skip class or go to class with this messed up thing, and I doubt the orthodontist will even be there...."Hey Alex!!
sara wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Phoenix!Sara - Haha yes xD I still stand by that, though ;P Good! That way you can get rid of the phonies. Uhhh.... *laughs nervously* There isn't really enough tea to spill."
Don..."
😅 Haha sounds like quite a relief! Lol, I honestly have a better social life now, though, but my life prior to uni was so pathetic that things that normal people would deem mundane seem interesting to me.
On a different, I'm losing my mind right now.Why?
Well, world mental health day and psychology major with crappy mental health. I'm at a talk on suicide and I just cannot deal with it. I'm crying. I want to leave, but I shouldn't. And our results came out and I decided to check them just before the talk, and uh, I started contemplating killing myself because I expected better in two subjects. I'll have to talk to the teachers later about it.
Disappointing Results
Today was just exhausting..... I skipped breakfast again, but turns out I don't really need breakfast anymore. I can survive without food for a while. I mean I've been living on rolls this entire week.
Anyway, so I went up to class and P saw me and said, "You look nice!" Of course I replied saying, "I don't think so." Knowing me, she just told me to shut up and sit down. Then our Psychology teacher came in and asked if we made our charts for the stalls, and that was when we realized that we lost ours. So P found this chart lying around in one of the classrooms that belonged to one of my group presentations, and we made it in about 15 minutes.
Next we had the talk on suicide. P had vanished so I just followed F and her friends, and when we reached the hall, I went all the way to the back. So there's this girl in my classes who is from the same place as my parents, and I'm just curious to know which part of that place she is from. Is she from the same place as my parents? I kind of want to know, but she rarely ever shows up to any class. However, since her attendance is too low, she is now forced to come.
This girl happened to be blocking the way to the seat I wanted to sit in, but when I requested her to move, she went over and sat in that seat. That was a waste, but I left one vacant seat beside her and sat down. Then she asked me if that would count towards her attendance, but I wasn't sure. She said she was sick and clearly she wasn't lying. So I told her that she should just leave and go to the dorms and told her that I would give her proxy if the sheet comes around. She took me number and left after asking me to call her once the talk is over.
And I got the seat I wanted. Some of my classmates occupied the seats beside me, so I wasn't stuck with random strangers. I was reading most of the time anyway and only looked up when P called me (like where did she even come from???? I didn't know she was there!), and wanted me to go over to the front to sit with her. I said I'm fine there.
As I posted earlier, I checked my results right before the talk started. The guest had just arrived and I was there disappointed with myself, wishing I would just drop dead. The whole talk was suicide this, suicide that, and the guy was sooooo boring. I just couldn't handle it. I could feel myself tremble in anxiety, and I just went nuts.
Once it was done, I called the girl to inform her. Outside, P was there looking dejected. She began to rant about her marks too, and guess what - most of my classmates had the same problem. The teachers gave us different information and when we wrote that, they say they expected something else which was not mentioned in any way. I could not even view my papers properly because the website is just too glitchy for me.
I want to fight the teacher who evaluated my journalism paper because I honestly believe I should get more than she gave me. I mean I doubt she can read my essays and say, "You should have written this and this," because I feel like I've written more than what was asked. But I don't think she really likes me, so I doubt she'll give me marks :/
However, my lit teacher gave me more than what I deserve. I couldn't finish my paper and ended up writing only a couple of lines for an essay question. Yet she gave me 6 out of 10 (which I don't really deserve), and gave me full marks for all the other questions.
We had been instructed to go to the open theatre, but since no one was there, P and I grabbed rolls and ate near the place they were going to perform the skit and flashmob. P was in the skit and I wanted to see how she does. After we finished eating, a senior handed me a poster to hold up. 'A' saw me hold it and said that she wanted to take a picture of me holding that because I look so cute, but of course I refused. P did great, though. I was kind of breaking internally because the skit hit me too much, but then things went fine.
We rushed to the stalls for our psychometric tests and not many people came to visit any of the stalls. We mostly just wandered to other stalls and did tests of each other. We actually had two stalls per table, so while we did each others' tests, everyone got to know that I'm fucked up. They said they were worried about P's anxiety because it was rather high, but then they scored mine and the two people performing the test were just like, "Wait a minute! What?!?! No that can't be.... Shit, this girl has severe anxiety! Hallie, get help! Your anxiety is way too high." P couldn't stop laughing at me. I heard one of them say, "Congratulations! Your anxiety level is very low!" So I turned and asked, "Who is that weird person that has low level of anxiety?" F looked at me with a peculiar look and said, "Me. What about you?" Yeah, not surprised. You should have seen how cool she was during the exams while I literally had steam coming off my head.
Then our literature teacher called us to class for about five minutes. When we went, P told me that this guy in our class keeps making her take responsibility of something she can't really do much on. She told him that she did everything in her power and that he should talk to our teacher, but he kept saying that she isn't a good representative and that she wasn't helping him. Now this is bullshit because she works so hard for the whole homeroom class when the other rep does absolutely nothing. I'm not saying this because she's my friend; she is actually a really good rep even though she was forced into it.
Our teacher walked in and turns out somebody told another teacher that she had not given them the marks that he/she deserved. That teacher told our teacher, and this made her cross. She began to lecture us on how she reads every answer and gives what they deserve. Then she whipped out her phone and said, "Here. I'll read some answers. Lady Macbeth is one of the most fearful and frightening female characters in English Literature. Albeit initially portrayed deviant from female stereotypes, we are also shown a vulnerable side to her personality. Her ambition, persuasion, and malice easily make her one of the most formidable female characters. The changes in her personality over time is another plausible depiction of the effect of guilt on a person's life."
I started listening to it and thought - Hmmm.... Then I heard the second sentence and realized that she was reading out the introduction from my paper. I was just staring at her like holy fuck! 'A' seemed to have realized that was me and patted my shoulder while P kept giving me strange looks. She also read another girl's answer. Then she continued, "This is the quality of some of the answers. Look at the language and their analysis! This is what I expect, and for such answers, I've given full marks. I even took screenshots of these and showed the director, and she agreed that these were really good and said we should give them something more challenging. If anyone thinks that their answers are as good as these, then come to me and I'll give you full marks for it. You want to know who wrote these? Hallie and *insert other girl's name* There are some people in this class who write extremely good: Hallie, *insert four other names*. Now that you can view your papers, go around and read their answers - see how well they've written. Then go tattle to other teachers."
Me just sitting there like 'I don't exist......' At least two teachers like me.
She was just about to leave when P stood up and complained to her about that guy's demeanour. He stood up and began to argue as well, and things got so messy. The teacher supported P, but she began to cry. 'A' and I tried to calm her down, but as soon as the teacher left, she stormed out. I should text her when I get home, though.
My mum's back, but I foresee some yelling between her and Dad soon.
This just reminded me of P yesterday. I was leaving after French when she was outside my classroom dancing, and when I said goodbye, she called me closer and just hugged me.
To-do List
• Book for 'A'
• Bring writing pen
• English seminar
• Online creative writing course
I have one seminar to present and another assignment to submit today, and I'm here downloading Joker without even starting either of them.
I'm super sick so I'm not going today.
We actually had an athletic meet today. Since I was too sick to go, I missed that. Apparently it was fun.
hallie! i hope u feel better babes <3
Why is my dad being a total asshole lately?
Oh no, don't hug me! I'm probably contagious!
I don't think my fever actually broke like my family believes.
Coffee Boy is back!!! :) I can get my alcohol now :)
I haven't been able to post stuff, so no way to update events happening in my life. Not like anyone cares....Anyway, I was supposed to go out with Coffee Boy last Tuesday, but I had to cancel at the last minute because my Literature teacher extended my class, so I couldn't. So he called me when I was in the bus.
So as soon as I picked up, he said, "What's up?" I said, "Nothing much." And then that guy said, "Okay then. Bye!" And he hung up! He legit hung up! I just stared out of the window like whaaaaat when he called again and said he was kidding. And spent the next two hours telling me to "get the fuck out of my house". I was going to go yesterday, but guess who got her period two weeks early :/ I don't feel safe going.
Oh, and I got my certificate for the creative writing course, so I suppose I can use it to do a few jobs. I was planning to save that and move out by next year because this household is only getting worse.
HALLIE DID YOU READ THE TYRANT'S TOMB YET
I am so unmotivated. I've got a gazillion assignments due the end of this month, and I just can't seem to start any of them....
Oh guess what! My Psychology assignment is due tomorrow, not the day after. Great! Now I've got to hurry up with my analysis of Inside Out.
I'm pathetic.I got so drunk that I puked in front of Coffee Boy :/
What???? Is MCR returning or something?
Lies Over Lies
Gosh, it's been so long since I posted one of these. So here's the full story from yesterday.
I lied to my parents to go out with Coffee Boy. I was scared - yes, but it was the best decision I made for yesterday. My dad was home because he was sick, and seeing the condition of the house when I got back, I'm sure my mum and brother had been suffering.
Anyway, I actually called my mum from uni on Wednesday and asked if I could go for a *group study* with F, P and others. It was sort of believable since I do have exams starting Monday, which I'm going to fail by the way. She agreed, so I told Coffee Boy, and the plan actually worked. The only truth I told her was the name of the place and that I took the subway nearby. I told her that P would come to the station near my place, and that I was going to pick her up from there and go to another girl's house.
Instead, I went all by myself, waited for him to reach the subway I got off, follow his instructions because I tend to get lost really easily, get on his bike and hang out with him all day. Dangerous? I'm 18 and I don't have the liberty to leave my insane household. That's the least of my concerns.
So he picked me up, but before going to his house, we stopped at a cigar store because he needed a new lighter. That took almost forever and I was standing in the sun looking at my phone for quite a while before he dragged me into the store. Out of all the days the sun could be out.... Apparently he likes 'the way I hop on the bike'. Whatever that's supposed to mean. He was telling something but I just blanked out for some reason I don't quite understand, and he laughed saying, "You know, sometimes I think you just die for a short while and need to be revived by someone."
When we reached his house, I got off the bike and he saw that there was a spider on his jacket. Turns out he doesn't really deal well with that insect, so I just calmly brushed it off and that really surprised him. Candidly, that surprised me as well because I don't really like spiders either, but I just did it like it was nothing. Really strange... He introduced me to his older brother and a friend before going to his room. We talked for a while, played some music, smoked a bit, and then went out to get some whiskey. So I had kept inside my jacket to hide it from his brother, but when he went to the kitchen, his door was locked. His brother seized that moment to ask what I was studying and where, while I had a bottle of whiskey concealed in my jacket. Fortunately he was back to save me from any further conversation. Except with whiskey glasses. His brother raised an eyebrow when he saw that. We just laughed nervously and pretended it's for water.
And boy, did I drink! It wasn't really too much, but for a newbie like me, it was. Besides, I don't drink - I chug it down like beer. He was so surprised to see how I drink. I mean, he had two shots and I emptied the rest of the bottle. For the first time, I had to let someone else claim the 'I'm the worst at this' title. Coffee Boy wanted to take a look at the contents of my bag and he found my literature notebook. When he opened it to read, I said, "My handwriting sucks." He was like, "Nah, it can't be as bad as mine." So there was a challenge and he read out what I had written. Then he gave me one of his books and I started to read. All I could say we was, "What?! Whaaaat?! What the fuck is this word? Were you drunk when you wrote this?!" I was forced to say that he won that round... After a while, we went out for lunch, but the place he wanted to take me was closed, so we went somewhere else. I was still rather drunk. Here's the embarrassing part. He got us tea and went to get a takeaway when I just threw up because I was still way too drunk to be out.
We went back after I finished my tea and I puked once more before eating half of my share. I kept apologizing profusely, but he understood and kept telling me it wasn't my fault. And boy, he is just so good at taking care of people! He just let me sober up after that. Although when I told him to keep me from saying anything stupid that would indicate I'm drunk to my parents if they called, he just said, "You sound pretty much the same. You're so silent you don't really sound drunk. It's like adding zero to zero."
And I found out how he knows C from my class. He knows way more than I do about him even though he hung out with him only for two days. So now that that mystery has been cleared, I can now die in peace. Apparently after he met him even after he met me - at an entrance exam that I didn't go to.
We went out to get one more cup of tea each when my brother called. I didn't hear my phone ring, so I didn't pick up. Then when we sat down to drink, he sent a text, and that's when I realized he had called. He wanted to know where his power bank was and whether our charger was working. He asked where I was and I'm just like, "Still there. I'll come after a while."
So we went back again, watched a couple of videos, scrolled through some memes, and then he dropped me home. I told him that he should just drop me at the subway, but he wouldn't listen and took me close to my house instead. Boy, that was just so much fun! I'm sure I bored him to death, though.
Now here's what astonished me - the amount he smokes. Initially he got four cigarettes when he picked me up. I only took a couple of puffs, so let's not take into account the sharing. He got one each time we got tea, so that's another two. Then he got one more while I was resting, and that makes seven in total. And he told me he'd get one more after he drops me, so if he did that, it's eight cigarettes in less than eight hours. Which looks like a bit too much to me.
So yeah, that was it. I came back home to a sick dad, tired mum, and annoyed brother. And the bullshit lies that I fed them were simply so epic I outdid myself. Later that night, P texted asking what I was doing and that she's unable to concentrate on studying, and I was like, "I wasn't even home all day. At least you tried to study." She didn't believe me. Like Hallie and not home?! Impossible! Then she thought I was at a bookstore or something, and didn't hold back from frowning when I said I had gone to meet a friend. Like, um, Hallie, you have us as friends too, but you don't seem to give a damn about us. Yeah, that's what I am.
Hallie wrote: "Lies Over LiesGosh, it's been so long since I posted one of these. So here's the full story from yesterday.
I lied to my parents to go out with Coffee Boy. I was scared - yes, but it was the bes..."
Wow that’s a lot of cigs LMFAO. I smoked a cig not that long ago but it felt like my lungs were dying so I promised myself I’d never do it again. Everyone says it’s addictive but I legit never felt anything so I’m like ???
Myks - Haha I can't believe I guessed that right xD I just said whatever came to my mind. Anyway, oh my goodness, yay!!!!!!!!! It's gonna be awesome and it's gonna be just what my playlist needs right now!!!!Sara - I know, right?! Haha I'm strange because I didn't feel that even though, according to him, most people actually do feel like their lungs are dying. Either I'm not doing it completely right, or I'm just weird. About the addictiveness, I honestly didn't feel it the first time I tried it either, but then I think I now understand why one would get addicted.
Shine - In all honestly, that's actually a good thing!
I have two exams tomorrow, but I have no motivation to study. Ironically enough, the chapter that I have to study is 'Motivation and Emotion'.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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