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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
Except for my true friends, the rest of the world is just making me feel like crap and basically telling me to go die.
Even the watchman started talking about that uni and I started having a panic attack, but he wouldn't stop talking. On a different note, the whole reason that conversation started was because he was outside the door just as I reached home with the electricity bill, and he handed it to me saying, "For your brother," even though it has my dad's name on it. He mistook my dad's name for my brother's and I did correct him while Mum told him my brother's name a million times, but he still keeps making the same mistakes. But he remembers the name of my school every single time, so I'm not sure what exactly his deal is. And he's creepy sometimes.
I wonder if lover boy (really need to think of a good way to describe him) will forgive me if I kill myself before going out for coffee with him.
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
Don't do it Hallie, pwease, I need you, other people need/want you
No matter what angle I look at it, that's what I end up with.
*Huggles* I know it's selfish of me to ask you to continue living for me but still, I love your company
It's probably even more selfish of me to die leaving you behind, so I'm still the bad person here...
I mean when I was younger I called my friend fat and really messed with her feelings(We're friends now and she forgave me cuz, well I was a stupid kid back then)
Depersonalisation. Yep, that's the word.
Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Hi btwIt's sorta been long..."
Hey! A lot has been going on here, but I did miss you!"
same here...
how are you?
Hallie wrote: "I'm just truly pathetic."Same.
Deepthi wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Hi btwIt's sorta been long..."
Hey! A lot has been going on here, but I did miss you!"
same here...
how are you?"
Esh don't ask!
Hey I feel like absolute crap and my parents are probably going to their hometown for my cousin's engagement party (?). Coffee boy says he probably won't go to uni this year, and he's already one year older than me, so yeah.And my entire life is so messed up with everything going wrong everywhere....
I also forgot to mention that my phone as well as earphones broke, my baby group is losing members so fast I can't bear to look at it anymore, and I never bothered to pay my library fee, so I can't go there...
Thanks, Hallie....It actually made me teary after what all's happened/happening.....
It's.... nice to know that.... you're not replacable....
Not for everyone, at least....
That you too matter.... for someone...
What happened, if I may ask? You sound super upset and I barely see you around on your own journal, and now you're talking..... Like that. You've got friends who will always be there for you and need you
A... break-up.So, there's this guy on Wattpad (Leo), who had a crush on me, and confessed me to two weeks ago. And that was after he and his girlfriend sorta... broke up. We got into a relationship and all, and... on Friday, he messaged me saying that both of them got back together....
I mean, yeah. I get it. I'm replacable.
I do get that after whatever M___________ has done...
But.... another person too..?
Let's see..... So I was going to write a super long message for you, but something happened at home and I lost my train of thought, so *glares at family*. Anyway - nope. No, Deepthi, you're wrong. You are not replaceable. Personally, I have so many friends here, but none of them could replace you, nor could you replace any one of them. I used to think that was true, but I did make a friend who is from India, loves Kpop and is smart and whatnot. She was the exact same age as you were when I first met her, and when I met you, you reminded me of her. I almost thought you'd replace her in my life because she had been busy with school last year, but guess what - you didn't. You are just as awesome as her, but she is she, and you're you. You're Deepthi. Similarly, no one replace you. You can try to replace a real painting with a fake, but it won't be worth the actual painting, would it? Maybe a cheap substitute, but no one - not even the universe - can replace Deepthi. Not another person named Deepthi, not an imposter, just no one. Whoever in brought into your place is simply an ersatz substitute to fill in that void you left in that person's life, and trust me, it's their loss, not yours. Nobody, I repeat, nobody can take your place because you are a unique person who makes a deep impression in everyone's lives. Both Leo and M will be eaten by guilt and whoever they choose as a substitute for you will still be missing out on the best. So don't you ever dare think you're replace, because no - you're irreplaceable. I'm sorry about the breakup, though. It must suck and it does look like he just used you for a bit to fill in that position of a girlfriend after a breakup, and while it's no excuse because it ended up hurting you, he may or may not have done it intentionally. Either way, this whole incident is not worth crying over. You have every right to be mad and upset, but just like you, your tears are precious and it's not worth shedding over someone who probably doesn't appreciate and fully recognize what a gem you are. It's probably a bit too far-fetched, but I hate seeing my friends cry tears of sorrow. But I do love seeing them cry tears of joy, so one day, I promise, somehow, you will shed those tears of joy when the perfect person arrives and gives you the respect and love you truly deserve. Now, if you'll excuse me, *brings out iron rods*, I've got to go to Wattpad and beat the crap out of someone.
*hugs gratefully*Thanks, Hallie.... Really..
I mean, to be honest.... I don't know how to thank you enough....
Ssshhhh! No need for any thanking here! If you really want to, though, express your gratitude by being happy and enjoying yourself :) *hugs back*
I... guess that'll take some time tbh....But yeah, I'll try :)
And, about the beating-the-crap-out-of-someone part, I guess Felix is already doing it for you xD
Yeah, I know, but someday :) Hopefully soon but someday.Oh good xD Ha well, if he needs a hand, I already have my equipment out.
*nods and smiles* Thank you :)xD
I'll let him know ;)
Seat No.
Turns out of cousin's engagement party (?) has been preponed so my parents are leaving tomorrow instead of the day after like Mum explained to me this morning as I was trying to differentiate between reality and nightmares. Oh wait, reality is a nightmare. Anyway, the booking of buses now resulted in my family now jumping at each others throats, and while my dad keeps trying to pull me into it as opposed to my mum's effort to keep me out of it, these people still don't realize just how much they are hurting me.
So it started with my dad trying to book the ticket online on his own, but apparently the website changed his layout, and my dad being born in a different century and lead into this century by accident, his skills at understanding technology is not that great. That's not a problem, because I honestly don't expect everyone to understand how everything works these days. It can get confusing for people who did things without relying on the internet for half their lives, and that's really, really okay. I really do not mind having to teach my parents how to use a particular app or website if they don't completely understand how it works because they have legitimate reasons for not having the inherent talent of ruling the world with a smartphone. Besides, they were the ones who taught me how to use a spoon and wiped drool of my face and cleaned up my messes.
However, that does not excuse my dad's demeanour of getting pissed and not having any patience. Fact: He has no patience. He says he does and that if he didn't, he wouldn't be running the business, but when something does not happen in the next millisecond, he gets angry and starts yelling, which is both frustrating and unmotivating towards whoever is trying to help him. For instance, last year, when he got a new phone, he wanted to put his SIM from his old phone to the new one, and he simply had no patience. He kept yelling and acting like a madman even though Mum told him to shut up and sit down for a minute because I was still searching for the key to open his phone. He kept the box and the key somewhere, and I had to search for where it was while he was being totally unhelpful with his "This is a defective phone! What the hell is wrong with this?! It doesn't open! Why can't you open it? You're useless!" The problem is that he acts like he knows everything, gets offended when someone says (diplomatically too) that he is a bit lacking in that particular field, and refuses to appreciate the help when he clearly needs it.
This has been happening throughout my life, and I'm sure it has been happening even before I was born. So ultimately, my brother got frustrated with his acts and now doesn't like helping my dad out with things like that. My dad, on the other hand, refuses to see things from my brother's side and calls him selfish, arrogant and whatnot.
So when my dad couldn't locate the option he wanted, he called my brother, who was watching something under his covers. My brother got up, went there, said something and came back telling me to go book the ticket for him. When I went, he was still yelling and sitting there, and he wouldn't tell me what he wanted, or let me look around properly with his "No, not that." He called for my brother again, who sorted it out and left, but ten seconds later, he was summoned again. Finally, my brother told him to get up while he finished it, but Dad went into his bedroom with his phone while my brother was booking the tickets. Apparently my dad had told him to book the seats 17 and 18 for tomorrow and 15 and 16 for the return ticket. And he didn't even give him his phone for the OTP or answer questions that my brother asks, so my brother ended up booking 17 and 18 for both journeys.
Then my brother left to go anywhere but here. My mum had gone to draw money from the ATM and I was trimming my nails outside when I thought I heard him say something. When I poked my head inside, yep, he was ranting to me about how my brother was irresponsible for booking the wrong seats and kept fidgeting around the site ranting about that. So while I kept silently listening to him rant, Mum came back and said that she was the one who told him to book that because those were middle seats just like 15 and 16. Personally, from the layout, 15 and 16 are sort of in the middle, but 17 and 18 look more close to the exact middle. But yeah, I have very poor sense of judging layouts and stuff, so I'm obviously not going to say anything and incur the wrath of my dad. I think I've suffered enough for my masochism.
Anyway, Dad yelled and Mum calling her and my brother senseless blah blah blah, Mum pushed me aside and yelled back at him, so while they both started fighting once again (surprise surprise!), I went back outside to trim the remaining nails while fighting back tears. Except at one point, my dad yelled, "He's go senseless and yet you take money to go out and buy chicken for him."
Backstory time again! My dad is a "vegetarian". Not really, but he brags about it. He can't stand the sight of anyone else in the family eating egg without demanding 10 eggs for himself (not kidding - years ago, he called everyone idiots and made a humongous scene because there were only two eggs left and Mum gave them to my brother and me), and he does actually eat fish. The only thing he doesn't eat is chicken, prawn, and crab. He doesn't like chicken, I think? That's fine, don't eat it if you don't want it. No one's forcing him. My brother loves chicken, though. My dad says chicken is absolutely bad and stuff while my brother ignores that and eats what he wants. See, both my brother and I are pretty skinny. Me, because I just don't eat, and my brother because I doubt he's getting enough for his body. Everyone points that out, but now people say my brother looks healthier ever since he started eating at his office cafeteria. So yeah, that's that.
This morning, when my brother woke up, my mum asked if he wants chicken and that she would buy it if he gave her the money for it. He did, and in spite of my dad's "Ew chicken!" comments, she prepared it because my dad's fasting anyway, and he can't really complain about unfair treatment because no one told him to fast. Or not eat chicken. Remember my brother was the one who paid for the food.
But my dad, being the hypocrite he is, directly assumed that my mum had spent his money to buy it, and yelled at her for that. He has no right to accuse her of anything because ummmm..... He didn't pay for it; my brother did. In fact, my dad yelled, "If he wants it, he should pay for it," and my mum immediately retorted that he was to shut the fuck up because my brother did pay for it. She even showed him proof and gave him a mini lecture, and I wish she had slammed him a little bit more because he has got to stop assuming that he knows everything. The whole world has got to stop assuming things about others and patronising others based on their own prejudices, and in my family, my dad is supposed to be the first one to be taught that lesson.
This whole yelling and getting angry without knowing the whole story is the reason why I don't speak to him or have a proper relationship with my dad on the first place. Ever since I was born, I've always been scared of my dad, and while I thought it would get better as I grow up, seems like it just for worse because he drags my name into it even as a innocent 6 year old who has no clue what the hell in going on.
So yeah, that's the story for today. I'm candidly afraid what he's going to tell my brother when he comes back home, and I'm sure that if he opens his mouth, it's only going to make things worse, so if my dad actually has some sense, he would shut up. If he doesn't, he deserves everything he called my brother and Mum because amongst the three of them, he is sooooo in the wrong here. Oh, and uh this is going to be a super disastrous trip, and I have four predictions on its outcome:
1. Both will be exhausted and will get into a fight again (Hooray!!!!!!)
2. Mum will end up killing Dad.
3. Dad will end up killing Mum.
4. My brother and I are going to become orphans.
Deepthi wrote: "*nods and smiles* Thank you :)xD
I'll let him know ;)"
:D
Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "*nods and smiles* Thank you :)xD
I'll let him know ;)"
:D"
^^
And, *hugs again*
I... felt like you could use one rn...
Really, though, what do you mean my cousin is getting engaged??!!! And why on earth are my parents going? I don't remember them ever attending any engagement thingies of any of my other cousins.
For some reason all our relatives think my brother and I fight all the time, but after watching us for five seconds, they look so surprised when they say, "Aww they are such great and loving siblings!" What I don't understand if why they are shocked that we get along pretty well. I mean he's weird and stupid, and I like picking on weird and stupid.
So since my parents aren't going to be here all day tomorrow, should I meet up with coffee boy?
I actually haven't heard from him since Saturday, and I don't really think it's right anyway, so probably no.
Imma miss you after I graduate
I ish graduating this week and I might not be on for a while after graduation
Noooooo!!!!! I'm obviously proud of you, but I'm going to miss you!!!
I ish gonna miss you too
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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