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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 21801:
by
Hallie
(new)
May 14, 2019 09:38PM
I'm dead inside, though.
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Hyper at Midnight
The weirdest thing happened. Well, the second weirdest thing because the first would be being asked out on a date by someone who has actually seen my hideous face.
Anyway, last night, my brother said he would be late, so even after my mum went to bed, I stayed up for a little while listening to Dangerous Woman before finally placing my phone in my bag, turning off the lights and crawling into my bed. I couldn't sleep, so I walked around the room for a bit before trying to sleep again. Amidst my many thoughts, I remembered that I had forgotten to lock my phone. I've been doing it every night now because I keep trying to murder myself, so I freaked for a minute and went to the hall to take my phone out of my bag.
I had just typed in the password, locked the apps I want to lock, and put a 'fake' lock when I received a text from the uni I wrote the test for the day before yesterday. It said that I was selected for the next round, which is a personal interview, and gosh I went nuts. I didn't expect that I'd clear this test on the first place, and somehow I did. I think they let most people pass so that could be how I got through.
I was so ecstatic I couldn't sleep. I walked around the room for a really long time thinking about this and then tried to sleep. At around 12, my mum came in to see if my brother had come back, and I waved at her. She was like, "Why are you still up?" I wanted to tell her about it, but then I realized that she wouldn't really care unless I failed, and since I did pass this, she doesn't care. So I let it wait till today morning. I was right, though. She just said, "Well, literally everyone gets in this round."
Which is not completely true because the guy who wants to go on the date texted saying that he didn't get in. I was surprised because I thought he would get in, and I wouldn't. However, he did spend the last two years studying in Wales (and he confirms that school there sucks big time), so I suppose that could be the reason they were so hard on him. He still wants to grab coffee, though, and I legitimately thought I had put him off with what I said yesterday.
Although I'm still hoping I'll get into the other uni want to go to, but I don't think I will so that just makes me super depressed :(
It's my nephew's first birthday, and my cousin is throwing a huge party to which he invited us like a billion times, but we're not going because Hallie is a fucking dumb, lazy kid with no hopes in getting a proper degree or job.
Mum: Everyone gets rejected in the interviews. It's so hard. Hallie won't make it.Me: *texts H and S with stuff I think I could probably answer for standard questions* I'll probably mention their reputation as the top institutes, talk about the impressive infrastructure which seems very conducive for me, and include that my brother studied here and has nothing but good memories to talk about.
H and S: Dude...... That's really good....
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
Think of it this way Hallie, if you get in the uni you will be able to be away from your mother and those that put you down(Also it'll mean you're smart too)
Not really. I could probably stay out a little longer with excuses, but I'm still stuck with them, so now I'm actually not looking forward to uni as much as I used to. And if I get into this particular one or the one I want to go, then I'd actually have to pay my dad, but if I don't get in, I'd have to bear the patronising eyes. I suppose the the former is better than the latter, but this is all just so tiring right now.But you're still right :) If I get in, I can finally do what I've been dreaming of since when I was 10, study what I love, get a job (hopefully something I love again), move out and cut ties with them. So yeah!
So, look forward to doing that. PROVE TO THEM THAT YOU'RE SUPER AWESOME :D make them feel bad for the shit they put you through. Follow your dreams(There was an ant on my arm)
Meh, but I'm not awesome so I've got nothing to prove. What?! An ant?! How dare it?!?!
I freaked out and shook it off :D
Ugh, fine prove to them that you can take care of yourself
☯Phoenix~They/them-I'm here, I'm queer, and I wanna have chocolate-Having Transgender friends isn't a pass from being transphobic☯ wrote: "Ugh, fine prove to them that you can take care of yourself"
Hallie wrote: "☯Phoenix~They/them-I'm here, I'm queer, and I wanna have chocolate-Having Transgender friends isn't a pass from being transphobic☯ wrote: "Ugh, fine prove to them that you can take care of yourself..."
I wish for once my parents would stop mentally and emotionally torturing me.
Even though they know how hurt I am.
I'm not going to get into that uni and before I applied, both of them actually did not want me to apply to it or go there, but now knowing that they are going to reject me, they keep pushing me to that and telling me how I should have studied harder and got into that one.
I wish everything would just fall back into the right place. But it won't. It just won't.
Gah I'm supposed to be dead. Why am I not dead?
Hallie wrote: "Gah I'm supposed to be dead. Why am I not dead?"NO
"Here's my dilemma
One half of me wants ya
And the other half wants to forget
My-my-my dilemma
From the moment I met ya
I just can't get you out of my head."
~ My Dilemma, Selena Gomez
Hallie, I'm gonna scream at my computer :(
That fucking uni I wanted to go to can burn to the ground for all I care.
So this lady at the uni I actually wanted to go to decided to patronise me and spit out atrocious lies that infuriated me so much I was this close to yelling at her before snapping her neck.
Oof, what did she say? If you don't mind me asking
Hallie wrote: "So this lady at the uni I actually wanted to go to decided to patronise me and spit out atrocious lies that infuriated me so much I was this close to yelling at her before snapping her neck.":/
Deepthi wrote: "Hi btwIt's sorta been long..."
Hey! A lot has been going on here, but I did miss you!
☯Phoenix~They/them-I'm here, I'm queer, and I wanna have chocolate-Having Transgender friends isn't a pass from being transphobic☯ wrote: "Oof, what did she say? If you don't mind me asking"
First she acted as though my application was pathetic. Second, she said that I was applying there only because all other universities rejected me and asked what those universities said when they rejected me. Third, she said that I didn't come in for the interview thingy, but the truth is I went there every single week for the past one month and they kept telling me to come back later. Now they refuse to let me in, but they say that they did allow people with the calibre as me few weeks ago, which is a huge lie because when I asked her to tell me when exactly they did that, she mentioned the same week I went, and that time she - the same fucking lady had not let me in to attend the interviews.
So yeah. I said I wanted to punch her and my mum even agreed that she deserves it because everything she simply had no manners.
Yep. And unprofessional and I'll make her last for sure :) I know just how to.
My school is connected to it, which is why I wanted to go there on the first place, but since it's connected to it, I know some dirty secrets. And there was this girl who committed suicide in front of their gate last year, and while they officially stated that she was depressed after a breakup, there is something fishy about the way they addressed it. And there's so much more.
Just rambling to myself xP Ignore me.
Although to be honest, all I'm doing is crying and thinking of dying.
it's personal
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