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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 21601:
by
Hallie
(new)
May 03, 2019 07:09AM
S wants to have a small party for H. I want to do it too but this whole uni stuff has got me so depressed and overwhelmed that I don't know.... And I'm going to cry any minute because I think that uni will reject me again, and I just can't take it.. And my parents keep reopening wounds I tried to heal with their subtle remarks.
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I'm still unable to write that birthday song for H and everything is just driving me nuts.
My parents say it's my fault, but they have no idea. They have no idea how many evenings I spent crying instead of studying because they were outside fighting and sometimes dragging me in as well. They have no idea how freaked I was during every single exam because my abdomen was hurting so bad and I was bleeding even though it wasn't that time of the month. They have no idea how hard it was to concentrate with the delusions and paranoia.
I can't go one freaking day without thinking of killing myself.
In 2017, I went two days: August 9th and November 14th. I remember the dates so well because I had actually planned to kill myself on August 10th and November 15th. I didn't go through with it in those days.In 2018, there wasn't a single day.
In 2019, so far, no luck.
Robert wrote: "Have you ever heard of ironic rebound?"That's probably exactly what this is. Although I did think about it and cry over it for weeks before everyone around me got fed up, so...
@Hallie....You should seriously try to... *struggles to find words* I mean, just ignore your parents for some time. Not the best idea, but it'll help for some time.
As for H and S...Just try taking someone's help here..? For writing that birthday song.
Take someone you trust, and do it. I'm sure they'll help
Kind of hard to ignore them when my dad literally traps me with his hands around me while he says the stuff and my mum..... Well, my mum does what she does.As for the song, nope. I want it to be from me. It's actually a tune that I came up using her discarded idea, so I couldn't possibly involve someone else except to listen to it to check if it's any good.
Hallie wrote: "Kind of hard to ignore them when my dad literally traps me with his hands around me while he says the stuff and my mum..... Well, my mum does what she does.As for the song, nope. I want it to be ..."
:(
Ah... okay :)
Just give it to her on her birthday and see if she likes it (which i'm sure she will)
But it sounds terrible. I can't emphasize enough.
I do not laugh at my own humiliation. I try to kill myself over it.
And I already insulted her enough on her last birthday, and since she turns eighteen, I want to do it right.
Hallie wrote: "But it sounds terrible. I can't emphasize enough."Come on...
She might like it though!
One of her friends has made the gift with her time and effort regardless of what all she was facing that time.
I'm sure she's going to be grateful for that :)
Let's take a look at it this way. If I've thought of lending someone a helping hand, it still wouldn't be tantamount to actually helping them out, would it? So it's not always the thought that matters; sometimes it's how well you do it.And once again, I'm telling you, it's terrible. Like terrible terrible.
Okay, now I'm more afraid of everything.
H is weird!!!!! Her mum just called mine asking about my dentist because apparently she wants braces to straighten one crooked tooth no one even notices, and she wants to do it at the "same clinic Hallie for hers from". Like seriously?! Her house is too far from here!
Hallie wrote: "Let's take a look at it this way. If I've thought of lending someone a helping hand, it still wouldn't be tantamount to actually helping them out, would it? So it's not always the thought that matt..."Not really.
:/
Come on...
I would give another example, but I'm very sensitive about it right now, so I'll do that some other time.On the other hand, I think getting her checked to a mental asylum would be good thing...
I nearly swore at her. Gosh, someone take away my ability to swear else I'll hurl every colourful word I know.
This day is just full of surprises.
Hallie wrote: "I would give another example, but I'm very sensitive about it right now, so I'll do that some other time.On the other hand, I think getting her checked to a mental asylum would be good thing..."
Sure, np :)
:/
I took a quiz for which mental disorders are you here for fun, and I ended up getting depression, which is... True.
"I've been outta sight
I've been worried 'bout you lately
Runnin' outta time
Wishin' you would come and save me."
~ Bad Idea, Ariana Grande
Don't know what you're thanking me for ;)
Is your heart beating?Are you still breathing?
If you're still feeling
Remember you're still living.
The oxygen is free
So take it all in
And clear your mind
Remember you're still living.
Deepthi wrote: "Very funny."But seriously - don't mention it.
Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "Very funny."But seriously - don't mention it."
*nods*
Me: I'm an atheist! I don't believe in God! Blah blah blah blah blah!Everyone: Shut up, Hallie!
Me: *screws up everything in life and becomes a bag of failure and disappointment*
Me: *has a panic attack*
Me: I want to kill myself. *ingests household inedible substances, makes lacerations on hand, tries to choke self, ties and unties a noose from the ceiling but still unfortunately remains alive*
Me: Please give me directions to the devil so that I can sell my soul to make the failure into success.
I'm not going to get into uni 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
One good thing about my school is that it's a Catholic school but is not the slightest bit anti-LGBT. Other than some students who still need to be informed that homophobia is bad, I'm happy that they bring in trans guests for major events, give them all our support, and completely ban anti-LGBT+ comments in the whole school.
Please take me in! I swear I'll be one of those alumni you can be proud of. Ask my old school; they'll tell you I'm not that bad.
Hallie wrote: "One good thing about my school is that it's a Catholic school but is not the slightest bit anti-LGBT. Other than some students who still need to be informed that homophobia is bad, I'm happy that t..."That's actually great tbh! :D
You're lucky actually...
India as a whole is... well... superstitious and dumb and all these things... :(
Deepthi wrote: "That's actually great tbh! :DYou're lucky actually...
India as a whole is... well... superstitious and dumb and all these things... :("
Yep, we are! Most people would expect them to be against them because they take their Catholic teachings rather seriously (or so the people who attend the meeting tell me), but it's awesome that they are totally supportive. So religion is not an excuse to be homophobic and people like this make humanity less pathetic :)
Aww.... Although did they not legalise gay marriage last year? That's a step forward.
Please life! I'll give up happiness to go there. Please just let me go to that uni.
Hallie wrote: "Deepthi wrote: "That's actually great tbh! :DYou're lucky actually...
India as a whole is... well... superstitious and dumb and all these things... :("
Yep, we are! Most people would expect them..."
:D
But some people (like my family, unfortunately), aren't exactly supportive of LGBT+ :(
I feel like an outsider sometimes at home, because, hey, my soulmate's one of them, and I'm not against him.
That sucks :/ To be honest, I don't know if my own family is supportive. It never pops up, but since they're not opening against it, I'm going to hope they are supportive.
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