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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 21151:
by
Hallie
(new)
Apr 13, 2019 11:29PM
Not really, but thanks anyway :)
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:/I wish I could help somehow... :/
:)*pats back* I'm here if you want anything alright?
This is so random but I just realized that I rarely use the word 'please'.
My dad nearly gave me a fucking heart attack.
Aaand I just impulsively decide to change my Instagram bio because......?
Deepthi wrote: "Hallie, please.."Please! I'm begging you. Let me die.
I know I suck at Math, but this one I counted perfectly to 399.
Well, this whole journal is scattered with reasons and I'm already pre-occupied with searching for fastest methods to die, so the abridged version is: even though some people ignorantly beg to differ, I'm a worthless piece of crap, a monster, a hazard to the society, and a cold-hearted, sadistic who is better off dead, and is wished to be dead by everyone who has met me properly - that is, offline - where my draconian demeanour and diabolical actions are truly showcased without any mask.
I was going to chose a day to wish I could skip to, but the only day I can think of is the day I die.
I am so bored and not in the mood to read anything, so ignore me.
Bet I'll just cry to sleep for the seventh night in a row.
*hugs*I know I can't do much, but I guess I can at least be there for you...
I can't even do that much for someone else...
Yeah, I couldn't sleep all night and I'm regretting not killing myself, so I should do it before they exhibit my failure to the entire world.
You're not a failure. At least not to the people here on GR.
Please! You haven't seen my list of failures yet.
Me: I'm failing.H: Shut up you'll be fine.
S: Hal.... It'll be fine.
H: Let's change the subject.
H: Let's talk about BTS. That irritates you.
Me: Ooooohhhhh! Ummmm........ Did you know that uhhhhh..... There was a lady who kept pushing her son on a swing for like 2 days straight and wound up killing him from dehydration.
I am officially the world's worst and most annoying student/friend.
I feel horrible and I want to die. Thanks for helping me stay alive, but I wish you didn't do that.
Fuck. Why didn't I do it? I should have done it.
This wasn't worth living for. Fighting back furious tears - it wasn't worth living. I knew it was a mistake. I knew I should have had all those pills days ago. I knew I should have left.
Every Thursday, we have this class where they speak of random "values" topics. One day, a teacher from Physics gave the most excellent talk on failure. It was so good and it inspired so many of us. I wish the same talk was delivered personally to my parents in an enclosed room.
But of course they'd blame it on me and my phone because you know, the pain I endured while writing every single exam when I was bleeding without being on my period is nothing compared to what they endured in the 20th century.
The tears I cried, the anxiety and depression that nearly killed me multiple times are not valid.
Funny, because two years ago, I was still disappointed and beating myself over getting 95%. It's so fucking funny that I didn't feel any better then.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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