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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
message 1701:
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Artsy
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Aug 19, 2017 07:19AM
What do you mean?
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I mean I just don't know what to say.
Has anything anyone has said to you helped at all?
Oh dear, that probably sounds so rude! I'm so sorry everyone! I really do appreciate you all doing this for me!However, I'm just a phony. I'm really not 'don't-worry-things-will-be-alright' type, because once I fix my mind on a certain opinion with all pieces of my broken heart and cold soul in it, it's next to impossible to change it. Some of my opinions are flexible and have changed unexpectedly over time since I let in room for change (suicide itself was one of them), but if I'm really determined and block out that change in view, I will never change it (like my atheistic beliefs, where I would be cynical even if you brought down God and made him prove he exists in front of me). And fortunately, this falls into the latter.
I think I'm actually going to wake up tomorrow. Perhaps a larger dose will do the trick?
Hals. Pills taste bad. Think about it. You don't want them in your mouth. So no.
Things just look blurry to me. I'm going to go now.Thanks!
And sorry!
Do you guys mind if I delete a couple of your posts here?
After Yesterday's Failed Attempt
Obviously, I survived. Apparently it takes more number of pills to get rid of me. It's okay, I have a whole bottle and no one needs them; they won't miss them, and probably won't even remember, which gives me all the impunity to abuse those pills even though I did notice that my head hurts and I feel slightly nauseous. So maybe a few more might be enough. Either I'll die, or I'll land in the hospital, or in jail.
Anyway, thanks for all the concerns. I sort of feel guilty for destroying your peace of mind - I'm really very sorry. I really, really want to die. And no, I don't want to talk about because if I do, I'll never hit the post/send button. I can't give up on it; I spent a month seriously planning it.
Meanwhile, I present to you - my parents - fighting over disowning me. Mum says, "She's your daughter!" and Dad says, "I'm busy. You're her mother!" And she and my brother gave me all the motivation. I just wonder what they'll be saying after this. "She's your daughter! You take responsibility!" "No, mothers are supposed to take responsibilities!"? Well, lucky for you, Mum and Dad, neither of you have to humiliate yourselves for me. Just think of a way to explain to anyone who asks how your daughter is, or what she wants to become (not like you could answer that right)
I'm listening, Hallie. I see what you mean. Please, this isn't the only way.
So is Maya and Jingle. You guys are so sweet! Ugh you deserve much better than me!
GOODNESS ALIA YOU REQUESTED A PRAYER FOR ME?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!?!!!!!!?!!??!?!?
That's why I was so apologetic :(
You are who you are, and we love you for it.
Okay, my brain is going to explode with all the thoughts I have. I'm not mad, though. Just a bit shocked and.... I don't deserve it.
To-do List
• Learn more chords
• Learn to hack systems
• Learn to um, I don't know, die in one shot?
I'm glad you're not mad. I'm glad you're thinking. I'm glad you're considering what we've said and done.
Yes, you do deserve it. Fully. 100%. Kim agrees. So do Lexie, Brittany, Maya, Jingle, Masi, Lillian, Kavy, and everyone else.
We love you, Hallie.
I have to go now, but I'll be praying for you the whole time. And I'll be back soon.
Hallie I'm really sorry about your parents, I can relate to how they can hurt or affect you even if they don't see it. Is there any way you can tell your parents why this is hurtful? (Alternatively, I have a friend who's been using it to spur her to grow as a person so she can walk out of the situation the moment she's 18.) I might not understand entirely what you're going through right now, but what I can say is we love you and you deserve to exist, period.
Alia [full hiatus until 8/19] wrote: "I'm glad you're not mad. I'm glad you're thinking. I'm glad you're considering what we've said and done.
Yes, you do deserve it. Fully. 100%. Kim agrees. So do Lexie, Brittany, Maya, Jingle, Ma..."
I couldn't be mad even if I wanted.
I'm only doing it because your reactions scare me. And something else.
Well, no one knows who I really am.
You really don't have to worry about me.
Jingle ❀彡 wrote: "Hallie I'm really sorry about your parents, I can relate to how they can hurt or affect you even if they don't see it. Is there any way you can tell your parents why this is hurtful? (Alternatively..."The last time I tried, they ignored me. That's what I wanted to do, but then I realized it wouldn't work. I can't grow up and walk out of their lives because even if I do, I'll still be waiting outside to give them a piece of my own medicine.
It's after 12:30 am there!
They scare you? :O How? I'm sorry about that, it's not my intention.
Hallie wrote: "Okay, my brain is going to explode with all the thoughts I have. I'm not mad, though. Just a bit shocked and.... I don't deserve it."Sorry to jump in so randomly, but you don't deserve... what? Love? Concern? Bullshit. You're a breathing, thinking individual. Your life is yours to do with as you will - we all have that right - but that doesn't mean those who know you won't be upset. Girl, you're so close to being an adult it's like a skip and a jump away. You know what becoming an adult means? A fresh start. You can move away. You don't have the expectations of others looming over you. You can free yourself from the idea of what others expect you to be like. It is so liberating. Yes, there is the chance for self destruction and for you to royally screw up, but everyone does that at some point. Honestly I think if you do go through with killing yourself it would be a horrible waste and society would have failed you. But still, it's your choice.
If you do decide to kill yourself, though, before I do so I just wanted you to know how much I enjoy your title. I love geology so when I read "inselburg" what does not come to mind is the lonely mental image of an isolated mass of rock, but rather the strength associated with it. An inselburg is a massive rock formation made of a rock tougher than those around it. That is how it stands tall when everything around it has been eroded down. It is literally the strongest rock around. And a solivagant standing on that rock has a view clear around them. They picked the highest, strongest point to stand on. They are an adventurer wandering, braving the world solo. Yeah it can paint a sad image, but honestly when I read it I find it empowering and inspirational. It's a beautiful image to me. I've wanted to share that with you for a couple weeks now but never wanted to pop back in because there's always some kind of serious conversation here. So... yeah. Thought Id share now
Hallie wrote: "It doesn't matter. I had a pill this morning. It might or might not work, but there are chances it will."Hallie no pls no
Hallie wrote: "Jingle ❀彡 wrote: "Hallie I'm really sorry about your parents, I can relate to how they can hurt or affect you even if they don't see it. Is there any way you can tell your parents why this is hurtf..."I'm so sorry they didn't listen... this is terrible for me to say, but even if it's so you can pull a Lucy and Prim (not sure if you remember what is gonna happen to them 'rents) I believe that you should keep going. There are people out there who do want to listen, and I think turning out as great as I know you'll be is probably the sweetest revenge you can have.
Yes it is xP
No, Hallie! Don't die! I already lost enough GR friends! I don't want to lose you too!
I got a message from Goodreads. Again.
Just let me be. Please. Just let me stop.
Write, Hallie, just write. Listen to your friends. Just don't give in to the dominant side. Write, read, sing, dance, do whatever but just throw those pills away. And those penknives.
Ohhhh who am I kidding? Better delete this thread.
Hey, I just wanted to let you know that you'll always have me, and you'll always have us.
Well *clears throat* in this case I don't care about double standards. I just hope you'll stick around - which I certainly will do, just to annoy you.
Did I hear annoy me? That's not possible by you!
Mays! Jingle! Random story I found amusing:My mum asked me for some crackers yesterday, and when she was taking it out of the jar, one of them fell on the the floor. I picked it up and was about to go to the bin to throw it, and she grabbed it out of my hand. I told her that it had fallen down and that she should not eat it (my mind was thinking of Easton and Raven xP), and Mum said that nothing happened to it and that she wanted to eat that one. I couldn't stop thinking about our roleplay at that time xD
Alright, that sounds silly!
Oh right, it's my cousin's first wedding anniversary! And it's the birthday of one of my friends here. She's not online a lot now, though.
Alright, just tell me when you learn a new hack :)That's not silly at all! I'm starting to giggle over here. Well, what happened in the end? Happy wedding anniversary! I've never actually been to one, and I missed my cousin's wedding as well. Happy birthday to your friend!
Also, I've been meaning to tell you this for some reason. My sisters and I were playing cards yesterday on the floor, and we never wear socks at home. One of them was very distracted and didn't notice my foot next to her, and she completely freaked out. I swear, it's just a normal foot but she got so jumpy, and I got so confused. The other sister was plainly amused. She's still avoiding my foot, for God's sake and you know what I've been doing around my sister all day? DOING KARATE KICKS.
I'm trying to hack into my neighbours WiFi right now xD Well, she ate it and I screamed, "No!!! You can't eat that!!! It's contaminated!" How weird is it that the child is telling this to her mother? xP I've been to all weddings of my cousins till now except this one, and I was sort of looking forward to seeing him get married. It was pretty upsetting when I found out I couldn't go. You actually know that friend :)
Haha xD I should try doing something similar to my brother deliberately!
I need to start an anonymous blog. My doubt is where. Tumblr? I don't know.... I already have Tumblr, and I don't want to log off my account. Blogspot? Bad idea.
If I make a secondary blog on Tumblr, will anyone be able to view my primary blog by some means? Can I act as though both are not related at all?
Good luck on that! True, it's supposed to be the other way around, but oh well. I see...at least you got to meet his wife :) One of my wishes is to be a bridesmaid one day, I don't know why but I'd be overjoyed if someone picked me. Well now I'm tempted to stalk every one of my friends to check their birthdays xDAs for a new blog, what about WordPress? Ok actually don't mind me, because I've never used it and I don't know what I'm talking about.
Hi, Hallie :) I'm sorry for scaring you earlier. I'm still curious to know why, but you don't have to say if it brings you anxiety. It's good to hear that you're thinking about the roleplay XD (but omg yes, I love the nugget choir so much ahaha)
WordPress is pretty cool. I've never used it, but people I know have, and they've said its easy and fun. Maya what do you mean?! Yes you do know what you're talking about if you're suggesting it :) You all are so smart and don't give yourselves enough credit. :)
Mays, I have children as parents xD After nine months, but better than never. Oh, I was once a little bridesmaid! I just went there on the day of the wedding, and I didn't even know what I was supposed to do xP But you can be mine if I decide to leave this and marry some day! Her name starts with A and ends with Y, and has the same letter repeated twice. I should check WordPress out! I only checked Weebly. Maya!!! Of course I know you know what you're talking about!
Alia, well, I don't know. Some sort of anxiety just built up. I don't know how to explain it. Oh, that roleplay is amazing even though I ruined most of it.
1. Sorry for the late reply, I've had a few things crop up 2. Omg that is so funny xP I actually feel like scolding Easton for that five second rule myself - no idea where he learnt he learnt it from *smh*
3. You definitely didn't ruin the rp, in fact it's one of my favorite rps ever.
4. #teamweebly
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Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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