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A Solivagant on the Inselberg
She sees them walking in a straight line, that's not really her style.
And they all got the same heartbeat, but hers is falling behind.
Nothing in this world could ever bring them down.
Yeah, they're invincible, and she's just in the background.
And she says,
"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.
I wish that I could be like the cool kids, like the cool kids."
~ Cool Kids, Echosmith
Hallie wrote: "She sees them walking in a straight line, that's not really her style.
And they all got the same heartbeat, but hers is falling behind.
Nothing in this world could ever bring them down.
Yeah, they..."
Me everywhere - real life and Goodreads.
Think about Loliepop. What if she finds out you're dead when she comes back on GR?
She'll get it. She won't miss me that much.
But then, the Duck RP won't be the same...
Hallie wrote: "❄️Princess Kavy of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I'm sorry for still being here. I'm sorry for existing in this world. I'm sorry for even ..."I do need you Hallie. You're one of the ppl keeping ME alive....if you leave....I need you Hallie I love you too much
As I recall, you and Loliepop quack a lot on GR.
❄️Princess Kavy of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "❄️Princess Kavy of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "I'm sorry for still being here. I'm sorry for existing in this world. I'm ..."And I might be the cause of your pain someday if I continue. I'm really not worth it. Sorry Kavy :(
PinkLoki(Shine) RULER OF: CrimsonPeak, Asgard, Jotunheim, Midgard, AvengersTower wrote: "As I recall, you and Loliepop quack a lot on GR."Okay, let me be candid, that made me smile :) She can find someone else to quack with. And she still has you.
Why am I sitting and reasoning when I can easily go any swallow something that will end me? I don't know.... Oh, right! No suicide note. I've been thinking of all the creative kinds of notes I can leave. I'll stay around till I find one that will leave people who knew me think, "Maybe we should have thought about how she felt before we dissed her 24/7."
Hallie wrote: "❄️Princess Kavy of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrote: "Hallie wrote: "❄️Princess Kavy of BVBarmy/Books/Music ❄️~Maybe they'll leave you alone, but not me~ wrot..."No you will not. You are worth it Hallie. Pls don't do it
Hallie wrote: "Why am I sitting and reasoning when I can easily go any swallow something that will end me? I don't know.... Oh, right! No suicide note. I've been thinking of all the creative kinds of notes I can ..."Hallie pls don't do it pls.....*hugs*
Why would you even think that Hallie?
Thirteen Reasons
I hope I didn't keep it a secret that I love Thirteen Reasons Why. Both the book and the series. I wonder if I'll stick around for the next season.
Anyway, there are many reasons why I should end up like Hannah Baker, but let me be more dramatic (?), and list thirteen reasons why.
1. My parents don't have to spend any money on me: I'm definitely costly. Even though I try to go for cheap things, I still asked/cried for really expensive things. Besides, there was an unexpected medical expense when I was 8, which was extremely expensive because my dad took me to one of the best hospitals here (yeah, and I was going to wash the blood in the sink and go back to class). Then my education, school supplies and everything - and my dad owes me his own money. It's my pocket money, but we have an emergency and my dad had to borrow most of it. I had saved a lot, and he had left me only 1/8th of it. If I'm gone, he doesn't need to bother giving it back someday. I don't know what they'll do if they need any emergency money, though. Then my library subscription, the TV, Wi-Fi, bookstore.... They get to save a lot of money.
2. They get rid of extra weight: Isn't it annoying to travel with a person who gets travel sick faster than you can say 'no'? Well, I wouldn't know because I am that annoying person, and everyone has made that clear multiple times. Poof and no more carrying bags everywhere, disgusted looks, dragging a tired idiot around.
3. More space: That stupid study table which is always messy just takes up a lot of space! And that nincompoop who claims that it's hers barely even uses it.
4. Freedom finally: Besides, my brother can have the bed and room to himself. He can stay up a late as he wants without having to be ordered to shut up and sleep. He can wake up in the middle of the night and walk around, bang walls, blast any music that he likes without worrying. Tutturu!
5. Hair: My mum no longer has to care about doing my hair because I can't as it's long. And I always do the same hairdo, so she can take a break from it forever.
6. Friends: My friends can talk about k-drama, k-pop, Korea, Lee Min Ho, EXO (okay, I admit I like EXO) or whatever they want. Oh, I almost forgot Taylor Swift! They don't have to trouble themselves to help some idiot who won't get WhatsApp with all the assignments.
7. Teachers: It's one less person's paper to grade. Why would they not be happy? It might not be a lot, but in the time they have to read my boring projects, they could have a cup of tea (doesn't make a difference: My vice-principal was drinking tea in front of me while she listened to my speech -_- ). Oh, and my Math teacher need not worry about my poor performance in Math.
8. The general public: Hey, one less passenger on the bus! The girl is so thin, but she takes the whole seat! As if the bus isn't crowded already!
9. Family development: I'm the whole reason why my family isn't making a lot of progress. I'm the reason why they never moved to that amazing house we have up north. I'm the reason why they couldn't build their own house. I'm the reason why my parents aren't lavishly living in their hometown. I'm the reason why my mum can't visit her aged parents (Oh, grandma, please get better soon, even if I'm gone! You're a sweet person and don't deserve all that pain you have now. I'm the one who should have that kind of bed arrest. Sorry!)
10. Family fights: Why 99% of family fights are because of me! Fights between my mum and dad are because of me; fights between my mum and brother are because of me; fights between my brother and mum are because of me. And lately these fights have been increasing. No more of that.
11. No more crap talk: Ain't I just a silly girl with no significance? If I disappear, poof, no more crap from me. No more unfunny jokes or stupid stories from school or 'Really? I think you're a little wrong there!' Besides, my family is just obsessed with proving me wrong. And there will be a reduction in the number of racists in the world. (So much for saying that the makeup artists at school made a friend look like she was Chinese.) If I've ever made any comments that were racist, please forgive me. It was totally unintentional. I hate being a racist, and I'm ashamed that such comments even slip out from me.
12. The charger and criticism: The one and one charger in our house need not be shared by four people. Mum can use it when the battery runs low; dad after he comes home from work; brother every other time. "It's his after all." Oh, and criticism. Boy, all I ever do is criticise people for anything and everything. What a relief it would be to not hear all of that? Let's not forget the negativity, cynical approach, and sceptism.
13. Goodreads: Isn't Goodreads already having enough problems? The bullies and spam and inappropriate stuff and everything. The last thing you guys need is me. I'm trouble enough. "A person plans to murder you." There's no longer a need for a crappy reviewer, a dumb roleplayer, anb idiotic writer, draconian and irrational moderator, and a monster in whole. You guys don't need me in your lives.
And those are some reasons.
And you honestly believe this?
Is that how you think of yourself? You're NOT a monster!
Hallie wrote: "Sαяαн wrote: "oh and consider urself lucky that u have a brother. u wont even believe what anne's doing now! >.Ex-cah-use- moi, but no! Brothers are annoying as Hell; younger brothers are irritat..."
My little brother is the best..... Nothing like yours obviously.
Also, you should make a 13 reasons why not. (btw, I hate the concept of the show. I get that it's supposed to show that actions affect everyone. But it shows a person making these tapes to get back at people and ruin their lives. She didn't even give her parents a reason. Sorry rant over.)You can always move forward but you can't go back if you make the final choice. I dont know you personally Hallie, and I have yet to talk to you a whole lot. But I care about you. I value life. I'm always here to talk.
Hallie, you're an amazing person no matter what other people say. We all love you dude for who you are and we wants what's best for you. Please don't make a choice now and then you might regret it later. We all go through hard times and have to make a tough choice in life. But we can't let one choice affect our entire life and other peoples. We love you, Hallie.
Hallie wrote: "Thirteen ReasonsI hope I didn't keep it a secret that I love Thirteen Reasons Why. Both the book and the series. I wonder if I'll stick around for the next season.
Anyway, there are many reasons..."
Hallie, you are beautiful and everyone needs you. we need you, like I said I NEED you. I love you hallie and you are a family member to me.
HALLIE WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!?!??????????!!?!!!!! C'MON YOU HAVE A NEW SCHOOL TO ATTEND, A WHOLE CAREER AND WHAT HAPPENED TO SHOWING YOUR ACHIEVEMENTS ON YOUR BROTHER'S FACE?????? YOU CAN'T GIVE UP NOW!!!
I'm not going to reason with everyone here.But Shine, you don't know the terrible things that I've done.
And you guys don't need me. What am I going to move forward for? I don't have anything to move forward to. That's why it doesn't matter if it ends here.
The future is literally anything you want it to be. You wont get what you want in life unless you make it happen. So tell your family to stuff it and follow your dreams. Trust me when I tell you this. Life sucks! A lot of the time. But you have to find what makes it worth while. And if it's that hard to find something, than make something worth while. I'm a mess 24/7 but I make due.
(I hate typing on my phone. It takes so long. I will make a post in my journal, specially written in response/ regards to your situation as soon as I get off work.)
Life is constant. Life changes. Life will not always be good. But it wont always be bad either.
Guys just forget about me. I can't have a future, and I can't make it happen. If you're so keen, answer this: Would you rather see a person dead, or the same person alive hurting their mother when she's in a vulnerable situation?
The latter. It's not fair to you or her to take all that responsibility. What you don't realize is that even though you say we don't need you, it hurts us all greatly to know that you feel this way and to think that you might be gone- especially by taking your life. As distant as we may be, you are still important.
I should point out that I feel like an ass BECAUSE I did not read your 13 reasons until now. I apologize for having skipped over them. My excuse is that I wanted to get straight passed it and tell you how I felt. Now that I've taken the time, I want you to know that even though you struggle with those things and most of all you feel like a burden, there are other ways. None of those is a reason to end your life.
1. Money: Medical emergencies happen and yes, they are often pricey but they took you to the hospital because they wanted you to be okay. All of your supplies and expenses are a part of life. In order to cut down, you can look at what you want and what you need. Be more conscious on the impact. They wouldn't pay for things for you if they couldn't. If they make a fuss about it, really think about how much you need it. And if you're worried about your dad paying you back, tell him he doesn't have to. You can forgive debts.
2-5. Annoying, maybe but a burden, no.
6. They're your friends. They don't care that much whether you like kpop or Taylor swift as much as they care about you.
7. They're teachers. It's their job.
8. You aren't just another body. The people on the bus wont mind.
9. Families make a lot of sacrifices. It's part of being a family. It's not your fault, even if you are a reason to stay. Life happens and compromises are made.
10. Fighting is terrible. But it happens. Things get really hard for awhile but then you grow up and understand. Do your part and do your best. Then you take a bit of the fight away.
11. Seriously, no body cares about you talking crap. I get a kick out of reading your journal, even though it often makes me sad. You have the right to speak. All the power to you.
12. Charger, annoying- maybe. Criticism can be helped. It takes some work but you can teach your self to change the way you respond.
13. If you can't tell you have a lot of people here that care about you.
Things may be hard but its not worth it.
I haven't gone in detail with the reasons. Those are just glimpses. And that's not all: I'm being treated just as good as dead. I might as well be dead.
Besides, I'm supposed to die before everyone else in the family. Since they're always so interested in being right about everything, I should just help them say, "Told ya she'd die first!"
Why are there blood stains on my bedspread? Sorry I think I had too much of cough syrup.
Hallie pls don't do it. You have a whole future ahead of you. You have us pls don't do it *hugs* I love you Hallie
I really don't have a future, Kavy....
Hallie wrote: "Besides, I'm supposed to die before everyone else in the family. Since they're always so interested in being right about everything, I should just help them say, "Told ya she'd die first!""Hallie, I think Kavy's right. You do have a future ahead of you and it's up to you on how you create it. Do not give up I have faith in you. We are all here for you and if you need to talk to anyone, I am here too! I truly understand how it feels to be unwanted and useless. But why let myself think that way and why let people remember me as someone who gave up? You shouldn't either. I know you're so much more beautiful inside that people fail to see. Even yourself my love. Get a better mirror, look a little closer, and stare a while longer because YOU, Hallie, are WORTH IT!!!
Hallie wrote: "I really don't have a future, Kavy...."Yes you do Hallie. We all do. You are only 15. Hallie pls keep going. Do it for us. For us all
Please?
Jac (Azulea) is already trying to commit sucide and her reasons are exactly like yours and I'm NOT letting neither of you die!
Jac (Azulea) is already trying to commit sucide and her reasons are exactly like yours and I'm NOT letting neither of you die!
I'm a wreck! I'm some sort of anti-Midas machine! Everything that I touch turns into crap! You know what my future is going to be like if I don't stop? I'm going to kill myself some other day in the future because my family just crushed my whole dream even though I fought hard for it. That's what just happened to me! I was so excited for something, and bang, my parents appeared and snatched that one time opportunity. Only my brother even bothered to look at the advantages, but I was just ordered to tick in the box that I didn't want. And they're trying to push me into subjects that I'm not interested in. I said I want Science since when I crawled out of my mother's womb, and now they're all, "If you're not going to become a doctor, why do you need to waste your time drawing the respiratory system?" Or if I actually do flourish in that (highly unlikely), then my parents suffer. You know why? I'm going to make sure they suffer. And I think I should stop myself from doing that right now. If I grow up, that will happen. Also, if I die, it will teach my parents a lesson: They are just hypocrites and are not the "wonderful" parents that they assume they are. And I'm sure I'm not their only child saying thisWait, Jac? Jac as in the queen of aesthetics?? Where's her journal?!
Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And there's no tune. So I can't sing my note for my parents :/
Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And there's no tune. So I can't sing my note for my parents :/"Good things take time. And for that you need patience. You know even Ed Sheeran had such a terrible voice (you can search it up on the internet) and now he's one of the most successful people on social media. My point is, you need to embrace yourself and work on the things you aren't very satisfied with. You'll do great with time! I believe in you girl. <3
Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And there's no tune. So I can't sing my note for my..."The problem for me is I can't practice anywhere and I don't have a teacher. Even if I do use the internet for a teacher (which, I know, isn't a very good substitute), I still have no place to practice every day. So basically I'll be stuck with 'oh-my-goodness-my-ears-are-bleeding' voice forever.
Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And there's no tune. So I can't sing..."Yeah I understand what you mean. Kind of the same case with me but with learning on how to play the piano. From a very young age I've been really passionate about playing it. I loved everything about it but I didn't know how to play it. So I took help from the Internet and a few books. I'm of course not a professional but better than yesterday. If you are passionate about singing and want to improve, I know you'll find a way no matter how hard it is. Even your room is a head start!
Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And there's no tune. ..."I got to go to keyboard classes when I was young, but no voice lessons :( I'll have to wait until I'm alone in school and sing there, but such chances rarely come. And my parents don't trust enough to leave me alone at home (one of the reasons why I'm so 'dang it I want to die!'), so it's rare to be alone at home, too. This is literally the only thing that can keep me from not jumping in front of a train, and considering that I'm failing...
Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And th..."Aww no don't say that! If it makes you feel better, my parents don't really allow me to go out which sucks so I'm stuck at home. They think that the outside world is too 'dangerous' although I think the most dangerous place is at home with your thoughts. I feel like you too sometimes but hope is what keeps me going. I think that maybe one day I'd wake up and it'll be different. Of course things don't just happen by themselves we need to put the effort too. Everything takes time and I've learned to accept that.
I know that you probably get that a lot when people say that they know what you're going through but then really you're just thinking "No you don't know at all!" Truth is, I probably don't know what you're going through but what I do know is that we are both suffering through different kinds of pain. We aren't alone. Some people have way worse than us. Than me and you.
My advice to you is to keep fighting no matter what. Sooner or later you'll realize that what you were fighting for was for a beautiful cause.
![Jaxon(Jax)[They-He] | 4642 comments](https://images.gr-assets.com/users/1749715398p1/46156450.jpg)
Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out to sing. And th..."Tell someone about your troubles, councilor, teacher, or parents, Im sure they'll listen to you and try helping out anyway they can..they have to especially a councilor.
Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out ..."Well, I personally don't like going out, but I love it when they go out and don't come back until I want them to.
Look, I'm sick of fighting. I'm tired of being laughed at for fighting. I'm tired of being told what to do, when to do, how to do when I have my own ideas to do things. I'm sick of being taken advantage of (okay, there's something not right with this sentence, but I'll have to check it later), and I know that my "future" will not be as beautiful as you all say because I sank here and this will effect me there. Like it already is. I'm stuck using a phone with scratches and the keypad makes my fingers bleed. And next year, I'll be going to a school that isn't 5 minutes away from home, which means I might have to call/text mum if I'm late or anything, and I'm supposed to do it with ta-daaa! My phone which has glue instead of keys :/ And if some accident occurs to me (oh please let it happen!), it's not my fault because I could but had my phone and even press speed dial because glue does not work any good as key. I understand this is all imagined, but if it does, it's all because my emotional and mental state slipped into a deep, dark abyss due to them that I didn't get more than what I got in this test and lost my chance to get a new phone.
And I've never told you the way my mother treats me. Being the violent person, I'm surprised I haven't chopped off all her body parts and sent them to different planets in the solar system when I hear her voice.
C Y N O N I C wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Salina wrote: "Hallie wrote: "Listening to me sing right now, and darn it's so terrible! :( My voice is so terrible; it's like I'm forcing my voice out ..."Not possible. I'm done with my teachers; my parents won't listen, nor will they let others listen; no counsellors around.
Well then, talk to your trusty friends, Im always around, however due to the internet being stupid I may disappear but other then that Im always on
Cyn, you're going through enough. The problems with the bullies and everything - I don't think it's fair for me to share my petty problems to you.
it's personal
Books mentioned in this topic
Kim Jiyoung, Born 1982 (other topics)Lore (other topics)
The Glass Menagerie (other topics)
The Great Gatsby (other topics)
Orlando (other topics)
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You don't need me. You all would just move on. It's not like I'm helping you with anything. I've already caused trouble for enough people; I don't want to do the and to you.