Beta Reader Group discussion
Covers, Blurbs, 1st Line, Query
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Please help me with my query letter :)
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Hi Jennifer, this is a good start to a query letter. Here's a great article on writing a successful Query: http://www.writersdigest.com/online-e... Some suggestions:
You will want to add a short to the point bio at the end of the letter highlighting in no more than 3 sentences: Any degrees or certifications related to your work as an author/writer, previous publications, and existing fan base{(i.e. if you have a few thousand twitter followers, or followers for existing work that would be a good fan base for this novel) Note, if you don't have a large following then leave this out}.
You may wish to remove the part about the rain and flooding in your second last paragraph or clarify why it is so important to the story earlier. You start out with a character driven description, move into the setting/rain/subgenre and move back to character driven.
You may want to reconsider the phrasing 'apocalypse-style' or emphasize that genre at the beginning of the letter. Apocalyptic literature is very specific subgenre of speculative fiction/fantasy which looks at the end of civilization as the result of a disaster (usually human caused). Perhaps you mean their world is thrown into chaos as the result of natural disaster?
On a side note: You may (or may not) have too much going on in the book if you're dealing with YA issues like sexuality, family, and friendship on that level and a rising apocalypse. Which is the focus - the growth of characters as a result of the apocalypse or the growth of characters as they resolve YA problems?
You can have both, but which is the focus? Typically, in apocalyptic works, survival kicks in and takes over and it's about exploring how individuals retain their humanity (morality, complexity) in the face of survival of the fittest type conditions. In the face of something that intense, YA sexuality tends to be a sub-plot level.
If you care to discuss further, don't hesitate to DM or email me directly agent(at)catherinemilos(dot)com.
Disclaimer: I am not a literary agent. I am a published author and editor with 10+ experience in the field.
Hi Catherine,Thank you very much for your comments, they are extremely helpful. I would love to discuss it further, I'll send you an email later tonight.
Thanks again!
Jen
Hi Jennifer,I think what you have here is very well-written as a synopsis, and it would certainly make me want to look further into the book. As a query letter, however, I think it's too long and detailed. Most conventional wisdom on query letters is that the discussion of the plot should be about 3-5 sentences and should leave out subplots that would take longer to explain. Because I find the idea of the rain intriguing, I'd suggest focusing the query letter on that element and sidelining or cutting out most of the content on the relationships in the book. You can still describe it as an LGBT YA in the last paragraph, which will show the agent more about the main character and relationships than you describe in the plot. Hope this helps, and best of luck with your querying process!
Thank you Ozzie! I really appreciate the advice!I've recently updated my query, what do you think about this:
Dear agent,
When the rain starts, it’s simply an annoyance.
But then it doesn’t stop.
Seventeen-year-old Simon Myers is sure of two things: he’s not gay and the world is not ending.
He just happens to spend a lot of time studying the muscles of his childhood friend, star quarterback, Jay Griffon.
And it just happens to be raining. Every single days for weeks.
As the downpour continues, the complaints and jokes about the weather begin to morph into whispers of fear. Simon’s school closes. The grocery store on his street is broken into. A man is shot in broad daylight and the police are nowhere to be found. The electricity goes out. The water gets higher.
Simon doesn’t know if the rumours of a global flood are true, but he does know that there’s no way in hell he’s going to let his family drown. And a kiss from Jay before the end of the world might be nice too.
THE SKY SHATTERS is an LGBT young-adult speculative novel, complete at 77,000 words. It will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s More Happy Than Not and Rainbow Rowell’s Carry On.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jennifer Mannering
Hi Jennifer,I think this version is a lot stronger than the first one. Personally, I think you could just cut the first two lines and start with "Seventeen-year-old. . ." That's an attention-grabbing first line, and it gives you a way to introduce the character and the rain issue at the same time. As far as the rest of the plot description, it might be a good idea to make Simon a little more active and focus more on what he can/wants to do, since as written it seems more like things are happening around him but he isn't driving the plot forward. Even so, this version reads much better than the first so it seems like you're on the right track!
Jennifer, I know you've written on another forum, but I'll stick to this as it seems the most recent.Actually I like the rain intro. Reminds me of García Márquez. I don't like x-year-old blah blah as an intro. Each to our own.
It's better shorter, but it seems a bit lightweight now. You may have cut out too much! I know. Can't please any of the people any of the time! Can you add any action, suspense, dilemma, tension?
Hey Jennifer! Honestly, I love this query -- I also think you could cut out the first two lines for a stronger hook, but besides that it's just about perfect. Also, I'm an agented YA writer, so let me know if you ever need anything! :)
Dear agent,
When the rain first starts, it’s simply an annoyance. When it doesn’t stop, it becomes a threat to all of humanity.
Seventeen year-old sci-fi geek Simon Myers has always found relationships confusing. He’s toyed with the idea of becoming a monk, but he’s not sure that he can pull off the shaved head and brown bathrobe combo. Plus there’s the small fact that he’s not quite sure if monks are allowed to be gay. Not that he’s gay. He’s probably not. He just happens to spend a lot of time studying the muscles of his best friend, the uber-popular womanizer, Jay Griffon.
Late one night Simon stumbles upon a secret that Jay’s been hiding, a secret that devastates Simon and drives a wedge through their friendship. They don’t speak for months, and Simon is forced to watch from the sidelines while Jay becomes romantically-entwined with the sharp-tonged cheerleader, Trish O’Brian.
Trish doesn’t understand why Jay, a devastatingly handsome star quarterback, would waste his time being friends with Simon, but she doesn’t give it much thought. All that matters is that her plan is working: she’s shimmied her way into Jay’s life in her tightest jeans and skimpiest top, and now she’s going to use him to escape her chaotic home life. She has to hurry though, because a social worker has already begun circling her family, ready to tear Trish and her five year-old sister apart.
As tensions between Trish, Simon and Jay begin to rise, so does the persistent ferocity of the rain. Streets begin to flood, schools are closed, and panicked families begin to flee town as violence erupts throughout the neighborhoods. Through twists of fate, Trish, Simon and Jay are thrust together, and they must overcome their rivalries to focus on a more pressing issue: survival.
The Sky Shatters is an LGBT young-adult fiction, complete at 77,000 words. It is written in a quirky, humorous tone and focuses on the human side of catastrophe, with the increasing conflicts of the main characters mirroring the increasing chaos of the collapse of civilization. The story is unique in that it is one of very few apocalypse-style stories to feature a homosexual main character, and one of the few stories to focus on the lead-up to an apocalypse, rather than the aftermath. The Sky Shatters will appeal to fans of Adam Silvera’s More Happy Than Not and Rainbow Rowell’s Carry On.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Jennifer Mannering