Query Letter feedback please

[Surrly]

I have a query letter that I'd like some feedback on. Is it clear, concise (and if not why not) and does it make you want to read the book?
THANK YOU!!

Dear (Agent name),

I’m writing to you because I read you have a soft spot for quirky and odd stories. I think I’ve got just the thing: MY MOTHER THE CADAVER: A ROAD TRIP.

Cloe Bishop would shoot herself in the arm to be a famous artist. Too bad it's been done before. Despite years of trying, her shock-art career is dying. When her most recent show tanks, she surrenders to her father's wish: quit art and work on her stepmother's campaign for senator. Then Cloe's estranged mother, Patty, dies and is mistakenly donated to science. Cloe gets an idea to save her career: find her mother’s body parts and photograph the journey for an astonishing exhibit.

Teaming up with Chick, the body broker, she charges across the eastern seaboard, barging into surgeries, stealing appendages, and body checking everyone in her way. And is that her mother’s ghost calling to her from her periphery? Of course, she must tweet the journey to the world if she wants to build her audience. Guilt gnawing at her, disaster hounding her every stop, and unwittingly tweeting herself into infamy, Cloe rushes toward notoriety, risking life, limb and sanity for a glimmer of success.

My Mother the Cadaver: A Road Trip turns the actual world of body brokers on its head exploring themes of what it means to be a human being, the desire for immortality through fame and accepting oneself no matter how badly the world thinks you stink. It's a novel of 90,000 words. I believe fans of Razor Girl by Carl Hiaasen and Second-Hand Souls by Christopher Moore would totally dig it.

Thank you,

[Roughseasinthemed]

'Soft spot'? Ugh, no.

Was it clear and concise? No. Would it make me want to read it? Maybe, if the query letter was pared down. It is far too busy. Too much detail. The last par doesn't match up with the preceding two pars. Slow it down, and pick out the salient parts. Is the senatorial campaign necessary to mention? Patty's death is the key.

[Surrly]

Thanks for the comments. Would love more specifics though.

"'Soft spot'? Ugh, no."
Thanks for this. This was actually a quote from one particular agent so that's why I used it but it's nice to know how others view it.

"The last par doesn't match up with the preceding two pars."
This is great. I'm assuming you mean it doesn't match up because it talks about theme and maybe you don't see the connection between the story and the theme. Either way, I'm cutting out any mention of theme in the next revision.


"as it clear and concise? No...Maybe, if the query letter was pared down. It is far too busy. Too much detail."

This is where I need more detail. To sum up in a clunkier way:

Cloe's career is failing and has to do the thing she's been avoiding: work in politics for her father/stepmother (that's why I used the word surrender to indicate she was finally giving up on her dreams).
But she gets an idea to save her career by collecting her mother's body parts. In order to get them, she has to travel over the country, raiding surgeries, stealing appendages and knock people around. And she thinks she's going crazy because her mother's ghost is talking to her.
And the tweets are important because the story uses them as interstitials between chapters (and she tweets something deemed horrible by society and is labeled a pariah).

And I hint to all that in 168 words (1st two paragraphs). So what needs to be pared down? What can I lose here that would enhance the summary of the story?

Happy to tear this up and rewrite it but I need a little more detail as to what could go and what should stay.

Thank you!

[Roughseasinthemed]

Actually your response is a lot clearer about what is happening. I appreciate the drama of shooting herself in the arm as an intro, but the way you've just described it makes much more sense.

I'd build on that. I still don't think the tweets are important in your query. That's how your story may be structured but not what it is about. Concentrate on what it is about.

Chloe's career as a shock artist is failing. She has to do/surrender …

When her mother dies … she grasps a last chance to save her dreams and begins a gruesome (insert better adjective) search for her mother's body parts to revive that once brilliant career with the most original exhibit ever. Her mother's cadaver.

But, at what cost? She becomes a social pariah. Was it worth it? What did she gain and lose?

That sort of thing.

[Surrly]

Cool. Thanks for your time, Roughseas!!!

Can anyone else help me???

[Kelley]

This sounds intriguing! I agree the second paragraph could be tightened. Stick to the basics (MC's motivation and shift into action).
The third paragraph is great! I'd just drop the one sentence: 'of course she must tweet...' It doesn't seem necessary since tweeting is mentioned in next sentence. Also 'unwittingly' could be dropped.
Last paragraph... I'd tighten up by cutting 'actual' and 'themes of.' I'd also reword 'accepting onself no matter...' to accepting oneself despite what the world thinks.
You've nailed intrigue, action, and stakes. Best of luck!

[Surrly]

Thank you, Kelley!! Very helpful.